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RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than ... - 10/2/2016 9:40:15 PM   
WickedsDesire


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RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than ... - 10/2/2016 9:45:03 PM   
WickedsDesire


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a big ask wicked

????

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RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than ... - 10/2/2016 9:45:31 PM   
LadyPact


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quote:

ORIGINAL: WickedsDesire
But I exempt ladypact & outside…None of the two asked that from me and none of those two are looking. If I see any of you/those two proclaiming the higher moral ground with nonsense things will a turn for the worse…both may feast on all who offer nothing at all conversely I ether the twin enable nothing of an existence I may enter with glory



In case you haven't noticed, I wasn't exactly waiting for your approval.




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RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than ... - 10/3/2016 7:19:09 AM   
littleclip


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Status: offline 		What happens at the end of a relationship, has a lot of factors contributing to it. Heck, I feel BAD for you folks if you ever had to put up with me if MP and I ever got a divorce. Seriously, if the folks on this board thought I cried, moaned, and bitched about the end of my relationship with tk,you guys ain't seen nothin' yet.
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RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than ... - 10/3/2016 8:05:29 AM   
Lucylastic


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If your ex turns into a stalking creep or worse, it doesnt help no matter what type of relationship you have

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RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than ... - 10/3/2016 8:21:42 AM   
Greta75


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl
So in your experience how has a breakup of a serious PE relationship been different than a serious vanilla one, if at all?

Thanks :)

A woman who feels her virginity is a gift, will be devastated and feel used and defiled, IF a break up occurs after she gift him her virginity. Quite common in my country where maintaining virginity is still like the holy scale of a "worthy" woman.

A woman who feels her submission is a gift will also feel devastated and feel used and defiled, IF a break up occurs, after she gifts him, her submission.

So it depends on individual. I process vanilla sex without feelings. Also, I often see my vanilla sex as Taking and not Giving. So it never feels bad for me in vanilla relationships.

But where submission is involved, I think I will take it extremely hard, as it is the meaning I attached to it and what it means to me. Which is also why it is not given easily.

It's about understanding how you process things and what things mean to you.

There will be plenty of woman where a d/s break up is no big deal too. If they start seeing submission as taking, ties together with why they feel submission is not a gift, because they feel they are taking alot from the guy by submitting to him, he is giving her alot and she is receiving. I mean, some women really gets off on submission. I don't get off on submission. That's why I see it as giving. It involves no pleasure for me, and all about the guy's pleasure.


< Message edited by Greta75 -- 10/3/2016 8:25:32 AM >

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RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than ... - 10/3/2016 8:35:32 AM   
longwayhome


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Status: offline 		Not sure that has to do with it being vanilla or PE.

I think the important issue is how deeply emotionally connected to are to someone, and whether you feel betrayed, abandoned or grieve the ending of the relationship.

Ten years, two kids and a house you built together is going to sting more than a bit of fun over the weekend with a mate. A sudden unexpected break might feel worse than a gradual drifting apart. Not sure it makes a difference whether PE was the basis of the relationship.

People have incredibly close vanilla relationships. The only way it's worse is if it's a PE relationship is if you hold back when it's vanilla and only really invest emotionally when it is PE (which is what, I think, Greta is saying).

Or am I missing something?

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RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than ... - 10/3/2016 8:41:08 AM   
Greta75


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Status: offline 		Longwayhome,

The complication of BDSM is, not everybody wakes up one day, and feels okay about getting pleasure from being humiliated or whipped. Even dominants I am sure don't wake up one day, and just feel good about himself enjoying to draw blood or inflict pain.

I think people go through alot of self-justification, before they reach a really comfortable place about their kinks.

So I believe there is a potential, especially for people very new into bdsm ,and have already experienced multiple vanilla relationships and it's break up, to feel like to share this more confusing and deeper part of themselves with someone, can feel kinda deeper than a vanilla connection and break up can feel more devastating.

On the other hand, you got a group of people who are very seasoned and very comfortable with their kink would feel there is no difference vanilla or BDSM.

That's why I also equate it to people who are not comfortable with sex before marriage and people who are comfortable with sex before marriage.

I feel like, the people who made the difficult decision of having sex before marriage when they don't feel comfortable with it, will be hit alot harder later, if the relationship doesn't work, compared to people like me who is all about sex before marriage please! Loads of sex! I need to test drive! It wouldn't hit me as hard at all.

I think there is a reoccuring theme. I really need to draw parallels to people who believe in abstinence until marriage, such people when they actually break and give up their virginity before marriage, it is with the trust that, this person will want to be with them for life. When it doesn't happen, it devastates them. And the key thing is deep trust.

It's different for me, because I don't need to trust a man to have vanilla sex with him ya know, so it's not a big deal for me since no trust needed is involved. Or the level of trust needed is only 10%. And I also feel like you could like be dating someone vanilla, be having loads of sex with him and not sharing with him anything deep about yourself. And that relationship could still function very well. Like, just need to be moving in the same direction. It's like how some marriages become like brothers and sisters.

But D/S, deep trust is required, thus it's a huge deal. Like I need to feel 200% that I can totally trust this dude, before I can get into a D/S relationship. Trust is deeper, thus more hurting.

And somehow, I also feel, even though I could trust a vanilla guy with all my skeletons, explain to him the full extent of my bdsm kinks. Seems to have alot of emotional connection. But we aren't physically engaging in D/S or BDSM, and our sex is purely vanilla. I just don't feel close to him. Probably explains why I take vanilla sex so casually. I can't feel anything from it. And vanilla relationships always somehow feel platonic to me, even though there is sex involve.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 10/3/2016 8:56:01 AM >

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RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than ... - 10/3/2016 9:08:41 AM   
longwayhome


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Joined: 1/9/2008
Status: offline 		In other words when you have a vanilla relationship you don't have to trust so much, and when it is D/S you do. If you are into D/S, you might need a D/S relationship to get really close and that closeness doesn't happen for you if it's just vanilla.

I get that. I need to connect with someone in a specific way to feel really close.

But some people develop the 200% trust stuff you are talking about in a vanilla relationship. For you, however, you just don't get there without D/S. Makes sense.

So, all other things equal, it's still how deep you are into the relationship that dictates how shit you feel if it breaks up?

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Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than ... - 10/3/2016 10:39:19 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
But D/S, deep trust is required, thus it's a huge deal. Like I need to feel 200% that I can totally trust this dude, before I can get into a D/S relationship. Trust is deeper, thus more hurting.


Greta, if that's exactly how it has worked for you in ALL of your D/s relationships, I will be the first person to tell you how exceedingly happy I am for you.

However, it is my not so humble opinion that just because the D/s label gets slapped on something, doesn't mean that's how it's going to go. People always want to wave that "the trust is deeper, it's a more honest kind of relationship" around. If that's true, why is it that so many people have put a D/s partner out of their life for lying to them? (Seriously, start a poll on the subject and see just how many people answer that question in the affirmative.) Why so many threads about "Master is cheating on me"? How about all of those threads of "we finally had sex, why doesn't Master call me anymore"? Why the problems in the kink community about serial consent violators, the outers, the stalkers, the people who call the cops on other kinksters, and sixteen other things I could mention that these "oh, so virtuous, more honest, more trustworthy (just because they are into D/s) are doing.



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than ... - 10/3/2016 10:59:44 AM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline 		Along the same lines that LP said.....

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
I think people go through alot of self-justification, before they reach a really comfortable place about their kinks.

The same can be said for many many 'nilla relationships.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
So I believe there is a potential, especially for people very new into bdsm ,and have already experienced multiple vanilla relationships and it's break up, to feel like to share this more confusing and deeper part of themselves with someone, can feel kinda deeper than a vanilla connection and break up can feel more devastating.

Only because they are living a fantasy.
In many real life situations, even a minor fling can cause emotional devastation.
Kink is just a different type of relationship - it's no different to 'nilla ones.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
On the other hand, you got a group of people who are very seasoned and very comfortable with their kink would feel there is no difference vanilla or BDSM.

That's why I also equate it to people who are not comfortable with sex before marriage and people who are comfortable with sex before marriage.

Completely different ball of wax Greta.
Apples and Oranges.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
I feel like, the people who made the difficult decision of having sex before marriage when they don't feel comfortable with it, will be hit alot harder later, if the relationship doesn't work, compared to people like me who is all about sex before marriage please! Loads of sex! I need to test drive! It wouldn't hit me as hard at all.

That would be just you, not everyone else on this planet.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
I think there is a reoccuring theme. I really need to draw parallels to people who believe in abstinence until marriage, such people when they actually break and give up their virginity before marriage, it is with the trust that, this person will want to be with them for life. When it doesn't happen, it devastates them. And the key thing is deep trust.

The same can be said for any 'nillla marriage for lots of reasons, not just sex.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
It's different for me, because I don't need to trust a man to have vanilla sex with him ya know, so it's not a big deal for me since no trust needed is involved. Or the level of trust needed is only 10%. And I also feel like you could like be dating someone vanilla, be having loads of sex with him and not sharing with him anything deep about yourself. And that relationship could still function very well. Like, just need to be moving in the same direction. It's like how some marriages become like brothers and sisters.

Not many are like that Greta.
Maybe in your world they are, but not in the west.

Why is it always down to sex with you and nothing else matters much??
Some people need 200% trust before they have sex with someone even if they are not a virgin.
Just because you don't doesn't hold true for the rest of the world.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
But D/S, deep trust is required, thus it's a huge deal. Like I need to feel 200% that I can totally trust this dude, before I can get into a D/S relationship. Trust is deeper, thus more hurting.

D/s can be just as casual as sex behind the bike sheds where no trust is required.
There are many that have a part-time or casual D/s arrangement.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
And somehow, I also feel, even though I could trust a vanilla guy with all my skeletons, explain to him the full extent of my bdsm kinks. Seems to have alot of emotional connection. But we aren't physically engaging in D/S or BDSM, and our sex is purely vanilla. I just don't feel close to him. Probably explains why I take vanilla sex so casually. I can't feel anything from it. And vanilla relationships always somehow feel platonic to me, even though there is sex involve.

Again, that's just the way you are.

I find your whole outlook on relationships and sex to be very off-kilter with most of the western world; most of it doesn't fit.


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RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than ... - 10/3/2016 11:23:31 AM   
Danemora


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
But D/S, deep trust is required, thus it's a huge deal. Like I need to feel 200% that I can totally trust this dude, before I can get into a D/S relationship. Trust is deeper, thus more hurting.


You really should have included the phrase "for me" somewhere in this train of thought. While I do agree with you that deep trust is required in BDSM and it is a huge deal, that level of trust is not the exclusive domain of BDSM practitioners. In this instance, you very much need to speak only for yourself for sure.

Last month, my long term BDSM relationship of 4 years officially ended. We switched and engaged in some edge play. I trusted this man with my very life...to the point of trusting him enough to engage in breath play (I HATE this term, but it's a point of reference generally understood...its not "play" in my honest opinion). Total deep trust and very much a big deal. This was truly the man I loved the deepest of anyone Ive ever loved. But at the end, it was peaceful. It ended with a massive violation of trust that required my ending the relationship. But there isn't the pain I'd expected. A bit of sadness that its over, but not the deep gash of hot pain I thought Id feel. I feel at peace and can say that I truly love him and wish him all the very best things in his life going forward.

To compare, the most painful breakup I've ever gone through was with the first man I ever loved in a 100% vanilla long term relationship. So painful in fact that I ended up one night with a loaded .357 barrel in my mouth while I contemplated all the reasons whether to commit suicide or not after he cheated on me. The pain was so unbearable that I was almost willing to splatter my bedroom wall with my own brains just to get it to stop.

My point is that pain is pain. A vanilla can hurt just as deeply at the end of a relationship as a BDSM person can. Two vanilla can trust one another just as deeply as two BDSM folks can. Relationships at their core are still relationships. BDSM, vanilla...at the core is still two human beings with thoughts, feelings, and emotions.


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RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than ... - 10/3/2016 1:36:30 PM   
ThundersCry2U


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Status: offline 		The taste of a gun barrel...
I`ve never understood why some people *into* BDSM think they have the market cornered when it comes to relationships.
There`s been an exchange of power in any type of relationship I`ve ever been in, in one form or another. I just never understood it was happening.

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RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than ... - 10/3/2016 1:45:42 PM   
OsideGirl


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Danemora


quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
But D/S, deep trust is required, thus it's a huge deal. Like I need to feel 200% that I can totally trust this dude, before I can get into a D/S relationship. Trust is deeper, thus more hurting.


You really should have included the phrase "for me" somewhere in this train of thought. While I do agree with you that deep trust is required in BDSM and it is a huge deal, that level of trust is not the exclusive domain of BDSM practitioners. In this instance, you very much need to speak only for yourself for sure.


^^^ This

And I'll add that if you feel that you don't give as much trust in a vanilla relationship, then that onus is on you, not the relationship.


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RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than ... - 10/3/2016 2:17:55 PM   
ThatDizzyChick


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quote:

Trust is deeper, thus more hurting.

While I agree you need more trust to let somebody tie you up than just to fuck you, I found the decision to have a child with the Fella required far more trust.

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RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than ... - 10/3/2016 2:23:09 PM   
OsideGirl


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quote:

ORIGINAL: ThatDizzyChick

quote:

Trust is deeper, thus more hurting.

While I agree you need more trust to let somebody tie you up than just to fuck you, I found the decision to have a child with the Fella required far more trust.


Hell, even getting married. You're tying your identities, finances and futures together in a legally binding contract.

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RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than ... - 10/3/2016 2:55:27 PM   
UllrsIshtar


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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: Danemora


quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
But D/S, deep trust is required, thus it's a huge deal. Like I need to feel 200% that I can totally trust this dude, before I can get into a D/S relationship. Trust is deeper, thus more hurting.


You really should have included the phrase "for me" somewhere in this train of thought. While I do agree with you that deep trust is required in BDSM and it is a huge deal, that level of trust is not the exclusive domain of BDSM practitioners. In this instance, you very much need to speak only for yourself for sure.


^^^ This

And I'll add that if you feel that you don't give as much trust in a vanilla relationship, then that onus is on you, not the relationship.




She did...

There is no generalization in that statement. Especially when seen in the context of her entire post, it's clear she's speaking personally, not generally.

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RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than ... - 10/4/2016 12:12:18 AM   
longwayhome


Posts: 1035
Joined: 1/9/2008
Status: offline 		To be fair Greta did say pretty clearly that what she made was a personal statement.

It's clear some people get deeper into a D/S relationship than a vanilla one because that is how they are wired or it's their conscious choice.

That's just not true of everyone.

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Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than ... - 10/9/2016 7:54:16 PM   
Numerans


Posts: 87
Status: offline 		Very informative AMA on Reddit concerning this subject:

I Recommend everyone checking it out!
https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/f5qjy/iama_girl_who_spent_roughly_16_months_as_a_full/

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Profile   Post #: 59
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