Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than a vanilla one?

Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than a vanilla one? (Full Version)

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Greatlilbabygirl -> Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than a vanilla one? (9/30/2016 3:38:58 PM)
So my most intense and longest lasting PE relationship just ended yesterday, and while it hurts and I feel all sorts of betrayed and stupid, it's not more so than any of my vanilla ones. In fact one vanilla breakup in particular was so painful while I was in college that it sent me to the psychologist. But this one has been different. Hard to explain, but unlike my vanilla breakups, this one has left me feeling empty, numb, almost like a part of my ability to feel sad or devastated is gone. So in your experience how has a breakup of a serious PE relationship been different than a serious vanilla one, if at all? Thanks :)

OsideGirl -> RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than a vanilla one? (9/30/2016 3:43:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl So in your experience how has a breakup of a serious PE relationship been different than a serious vanilla one, if at all? Nope. The fact that it's a power exchange relationship doesn't make it special or deeper. It's the individual relationship or person that determines how the break up feels. What does your husband think about you getting spun over the loss of another man?

Greatlilbabygirl -> RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than a vanilla one? (9/30/2016 3:51:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl quote: ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl So in your experience how has a breakup of a serious PE relationship been different than a serious vanilla one, if at all? Nope. The fact that it's a power exchange relationship doesn't make it special or deeper. It's the individual relationship or person that determines how the break up feels. What does your husband think about you getting spun over the loss of another man? The thing is I'm not all that spun. I had a friend contact me because she knows both of us and she made the statement that it can be harder and why she only does play partners and not full on PE anymore. My hubs took me out for breakfast this morning. 😊

kiwisub22 -> RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than a vanilla one? (9/30/2016 6:22:31 PM)
For me, I could see that a D/s relationship could be more intense, and harder to break up for the really simple reason that I've been a lot more honest/open with my partners. When I have more invested in these relationships, they would be more likely to cause pain. If I had been more open and vulnerable with my vanilla relationships I would have been more likely to be in more pain. Of course, if I had been more open and vulnerable in my vanilla relationships I might still be in one....

Greatlilbabygirl -> RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than a vanilla one? (9/30/2016 6:28:25 PM)
Good point ksub. I think that's the sentiment my friend was trying to covey. But as intense as this last relationship was, I think I may have been inoculated from the usual devastation and days of heartache because 1. I broke up with him and wasn't the one being dumped (which was a first for me) 2. I am still in a happy fulfilling relationship with my husband and I didn't have to face the being alone and unloved reality I did at the end of my previous monogamous relationships. Go figure that a more complicated poly relationship ended up being easier to get over than a monogamous one. Does that make me an awful person?

tamaka -> RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than a vanilla one? (10/1/2016 1:40:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl I broke up with him and wasn't the one being dumped (which was a first for me). Go figure that a more complicated poly relationship ended up being easier to get over than a monogamous one. Does that make me an awful person? No it makes you a person who was never really in a TPE relationship.

Greatlilbabygirl -> RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than a vanilla one? (10/1/2016 2:16:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tamaka quote: ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl I broke up with him and wasn't the one being dumped (which was a first for me). Go figure that a more complicated poly relationship ended up being easier to get over than a monogamous one. Does that make me an awful person? No it makes you a person who was never really in a TPE relationship. Right. Like my OP says, it was a PE not a TPE. It was never 24/7 or total because I'm married and my ex was my secondary. What's your point?

tamaka -> RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than a vanilla one? (10/1/2016 7:56:35 PM)
My point is he was never able to really get you 'under his spell' so- to- speak and if he did manage to he wasn't able to keep you there... which is why you were actually able to do the 'breaking up' and why it doesn't cause you to feel much that you did.

Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than a vanilla one? (10/2/2016 1:03:13 AM)
The depth is actually an illusion many people create within their own minds.

veronicaboundcd -> RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than a vanilla one? (10/2/2016 4:19:29 AM)
I think it largely depends on the dynamics of the relationship, either way. I had one that had me considering suicide, and I was the one who broke it off. It was never that great on the whole, but the bond formed between the two of us was one of those rare connections, and she didn't cope with the break-up well either. The circumstances and details have more to do with the impact than anything else.

LadyPact -> RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than a vanilla one? (10/2/2016 9:08:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl So in your experience how has a breakup of a serious PE relationship been different than a serious vanilla one, if at all? Thanks :) To me, it doesn't. There are a lot of factors that I prioritize over and above whether a relationship was PE or not to be the determination of whether or not something is going to matter to me more. A few of those being the quality of the relationship, itself, how much emotional investment you have in the other person at the time of the end of the relationship, whether you were actually happy with the other person at the end, so on and so on. I do think there are some people who believe PE relationships are harder to get over because they feel certain characteristics have never been present in their vanilla relationships that are present in the PE ones. However, this is very individual. Just like some people say they could never be happy in a 'vanilla' relationship because they need certain elements, rather than just want them. Also, I think some of the folks that insist that breakups of the PE variety must be worse aren't really looking at the entire scope of PE dynamics. They are looking at their experiences with PE dynamics and completely forgetting that not all of PE includes a romantic and/or emotional element. When that's absent, it's kind of like firing an employee. Might be seen by some as no longer engaging with one FB over another. Granted, harder on the person who lost the position at work, than the employer. (See how job loss is different between the two perspectives under writings on grief. I believe angelicaJ has a great link about this.) quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl Nope. The fact that it's a power exchange relationship doesn't make it special or deeper. It's the individual relationship or person that determines how the break up feels. What does your husband think about you getting spun over the loss of another man? This would have made a great poly thread all on it's own. MP's kind of seen the spectrum on this. If I were to put a piece of paper in front of him and asked him to write a list, in order of importance, of how "spun" I was over the secondary relationship ending, he wouldn't have a problem doing it at all. It can be tough to watch your primary partner actually grieve over the loss of a secondary relationship. Somebody mourning their secondary relationship just isn't the same as somebody who cries for fifteen minutes because they feel that they failed as a Dominant, takes a nap, and then bounces back. Huge difference between the two scenarios.

Greatlilbabygirl -> RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than a vanilla one? (10/2/2016 9:27:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: veronicaboundcd I think it largely depends on the dynamics of the relationship, either way. I had one that had me considering suicide, and I was the one who broke it off. It was never that great on the whole, but the bond formed between the two of us was one of those rare connections, and she didn't cope with the break-up well either. The circumstances and details have more to do with the impact than anything else. I'm so sorry . I've been suicidal over a break up. I know how that feels.

WhoreMods -> RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than a vanilla one? (10/2/2016 10:22:24 AM)
Possibly giving the pervs in the house more credit than they deserve over relationships based on a power imbalance, but... In my experience, you drop your character armour a hell of a lot more for D/s stuff than you'd ever dream of doing in a vanilla relationship, which can leave you feeling a lot more vulnerable and exposed than you usually would when things turn to shit. This is just a modifier on the standard "the more you put into it, the more it going pear-shaped hurts" situation, but if you are taking a power exchange even halfway seriously, then you have already invested quite a bit in the relationship from the off.

ohthat1percent -> RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than a vanilla one? (10/2/2016 10:49:34 AM)
As others have said being an labeled D/s relationship has never made it harder or easier or the like to live or to end. Most of my relationships have been a concept of D/s but only 1 was ever labeled as such. It depends on the circumstances what the "hard" is in the breakup because living circumstances may cause the dependent party more of a acclimation to not being dependent. I think what's hard for many is the breaking of the "routine" so to speak, but again that occurs in non labeled D/s relationships. All in all, what makes it hard or easy are the people involved and how they "relationship," feel things, and control the expression of same -- even to themselves. All in all, for me, friends and icecream allowing me to vent - tends to help no matter what type of relationship i am in. In all actuality, i have found the break of friendships to be harder than most of the relationship breaks i have had.

WickedsDesire -> RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than a vanilla one? (10/2/2016 10:55:45 AM)
I wouldn’t touch you with a barge pole. I remain unconvinced you are ready, were ready, for any type of relationship. Usually the destructive relationships end badly and have the biggest impact on one, or the other, occasionally both. But I imagine you to have a bit of a turnover and I am further bewildered as to why you not and oracle of knowledge on such matters and have been taken aback.

Greatlilbabygirl -> RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than a vanilla one? (10/2/2016 10:59:28 AM)
I probably wasn't ready. Doesn't make the end of it any less significant. And I don't want you to touch me with a pole or anything else, so guess we both win there.

OsideGirl -> RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than a vanilla one? (10/2/2016 11:10:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ohthat1percent All in all, what makes it hard or easy are the people involved and how they "relationship," feel things, and control the expression of same -- even to themselves. Exactly. The example that I use whenever this comes up is my mother. My step father died 4 years ago, she still grieves and misses him. Emptying and selling the house last January virtually crippled her emotionally. They had the most vanilla relationship you've ever seen. So, you're gonna tell me that your relationship is deeper and more meaningful than hers?

LadyPact -> RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than a vanilla one? (10/2/2016 11:20:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl Exactly. The example that I use whenever this comes up is my mother. My step father died 4 years ago, she still grieves and misses him. Emptying and selling the house last January virtually crippled her emotionally. They had the most vanilla relationship you've ever seen. So, you're gonna tell me that your relationship is deeper and more meaningful than hers? I see this in the same way. There is NOBODY who will tell me that their "PE" of co-habitation of a few months or even, couple of years stands up against those married couples who have been together for DECADES. That whole "deeper" thing just doesn't hit the same mark.

ohthat1percent -> RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than a vanilla one? (10/2/2016 11:37:59 AM)
Osidegirl, For the people involved -- yes, it may be deeper etc than your Mothers, based on their own perception and people are allowed that.. The only way your Mothers relationship would be a comparison is if people were comparing. What I am trying to say is -- its not a competition and shouldn't be. Some people are very lucky to find that "soulmate" early in life, some people have to go through many relationships and ending before they do and each of those relationships have meaning to those people. What lengthy relationships have is more experience at longevity -- does that really equate to deeper meaning or depth?.

WickedsDesire -> RE: Is the end of a PE relationship really harder than a vanilla one? (10/2/2016 11:38:28 AM)
You do not understand listen better. I said you (based on everything you typed(but I could apply that to lots of people anywhere(and many can apply it to me))), it is not out with the realms of possibility I would consider an attached screaming nymphomaniac, or I may just get another cat. What is a relationship, why do people want them, who do they want them with, what do they mean to each of us, and so on. Why did it hurt so? How many have hurt so (when you have been in another relationship) and how many people does this time encompass.

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