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Apologising to Subby - 7/22/2006 8:28:36 PM

Avrilkiller

Posts: 45
Joined: 6/17/2006
Status: offline

Recently the question has come to me and my switch as to whether a Domme/Master should ever apologise to their subby/slave.
Not after punishments, or anything, but times when they recognize they made a mistake. Such as, I was handing a cigarette to my girl and it slipped from my hand too early, burning her palm. I said I was sorrry and if she was alright, and she was amazed. Apparently, her and a few others, both Dom and sub, think that a Dom should never apologise, even when they make mistakes or hurt their sub unplanned.

What's your take? Is it really unacceptable to apologise? As far as I've been concerned, I am in control of her, but I love an treasure her, and would apologise for accidents as I would anyone else I cared for.

Post #: 1

RE: Apologising to Subby - 7/22/2006 8:42:13 PM

reticence

Posts: 180
Joined: 2/28/2006
Status: offline

I absolutely agree with you. If an apology is in order, and apology is in order, no matter the dynamic or upon which side of the slash one identifies.

I am a bit leery of those that say a dom should never apologize. This would imply they never do anything wrong, never make mistakes. We are all human and when we make a mistake and hurt someone, of course an apology is in order.

(in reply to Avrilkiller)

Post #: 2

RE: Apologising to Subby - 7/22/2006 8:47:11 PM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

General Reply:

I dont think giving an apology to a person who is deserving of one makes the "apologizer" any less the dominant. I think it takes a very secure person actually, to apologize for something. Id probably respect them more for it.

(in reply to reticence)

Post #: 3

RE: Apologising to Subby - 7/22/2006 9:01:15 PM

SavageEu

Posts: 197
Joined: 7/8/2006
Status: offline

I have to agree, along the thought lines of 'We are still human'. I think that if saying you are sorry for screwing up somehow threatens you view of your self as less than dom maybe you need to ask yourself why would you feel that way.

Now if the sub thinks you screwed up and demands an appology for something you meant to do, lets say the sub hates being called names and you do it anyway either to try and break them of that or as punishment, well then I could see the dom refusing to apologise. And the sub probably just earned some extra special attention of the unpleasent kind.

In my head though, and I have done it at times, I did not feel less of a Master to a Pet by saying I screwed up and moving on. I made the mistake of saying 'please' once early on, still getting my footing at being dominant over someone. It took me an hour to calm her down.

(in reply to marieToo)

Post #: 4

RE: Apologising to Subby - 7/22/2006 10:03:40 PM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

Of course you should apologize if an apology is in order. Being a Dominant is no excuse for being ill mannered. We are supposed to take care of our subs and owning up to our own mistakes is part of that.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to SavageEu)

Post #: 5

RE: Apologising to Subby - 7/22/2006 10:17:17 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

I have to agree with the general consensus here..I find that Dominant who is capable of apologising is a more self aware and strong Dominant.One with no fear of, if it would be seen as weak ....Tempting

(in reply to Avrilkiller)

Post #: 6

RE: Apologising to Subby - 7/22/2006 10:23:31 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

Personally, if I make a mistake, I apologize. No matter if it is to a sub, a fellow dom... if I am wrong I admit it. My pets appreciate the courtesy. Besides, I see ti as stuck up to believe that just becasue you are dominant, you are always right. I know I am not, and I have yet to meet someone who is.

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 7

RE: Apologising to Subby - 7/22/2006 10:33:16 PM

Misstoyou

Posts: 1149
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Avrilkiller

What's your take? Is it really unacceptable to apologise?

As far as etiquette is concerned, I personally find it more unacceptable for a submissive or another dominant to attempt to define proper "dominant" behavior for me. As long as I'm not blatently ignoring agreed-to hard limits, by definition whatever it is I'm choosing to do *is* the behavior of a dominant woman.

_____________________________

~ Miss Marie

a.k.a. "mean Lady"

(in reply to Avrilkiller)

Post #: 8

RE: Apologising to Subby - 7/23/2006 1:48:50 AM

MissDiandSirHugh

Posts: 1158
Joined: 8/11/2005
From: Goondiwindi ( Qld )
Status: offline

We would always apologies when a mistake was made or in some way we were the cause of some small unexpected accident that no matter in what way may cause some harm to happen to some other person no matter what they are.
As already stated being Dom does not excuse the lack of manners or does it push them under the carpet at any time.

_____________________________

HoRoo for now from Us both and enjoy all you read even if you don"t agree with us or others.
Knowledge is no Burden to Carry

(in reply to Misstoyou)

Post #: 9

RE: Apologising to Subby - 7/23/2006 2:42:30 AM

MistressMaamNH

Posts: 211
Joined: 8/11/2004
Status: offline

Regardless of which side of the D/s fence you choose to reside, we are all first and foremost, human beings. With that comes certain givens. Not the least of which is, from time to time, we will make mistakes. Basic Human common courtesy means you recognize those mistakes, and express your regret for having erred.

Now, having made that disclaimer...there are certain situations with submissives where I do not apologize. Coming from the perspective of Female Supremacy, and having several submissives who have characters that are best trained through degredation and humiliation. In those situations, when simple things happen such as accidentally treading on their foot as I walk by, knocking their food onto the floor or a variety of other things, I do not apologize. Though My actions may have been unintentional, telling them they are not worthy of an apology from Me for such a petty thing, only serves to reinforce their perspective and training as being sub-human in stature to Me. I know that sounds completely contradictory to My above statements...but I see it more as a training tool to disregard their humanity in that situation.

MMNH

_____________________________

Let Me lay you softly, down onto the thorns...

(in reply to Avrilkiller)

Post #: 10

RE: Apologising to Subby - 7/23/2006 2:54:56 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

You maybe her Master but you are also human, humans fuck up from time to time. You have to take responcibility for your mistakes and do your best to fix any consequences. Often the first step in fixing any damage is apologising.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to Avrilkiller)

Post #: 11

RE: Apologising to Subby - 7/23/2006 3:56:54 AM

Estring

Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

A Dom should apologize when appropriate. I certainly have.

_____________________________

Boycott Whales!

(in reply to Avrilkiller)

Post #: 12

RE: Apologising to Subby - 7/23/2006 10:08:43 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

If you feel you did wrong and that you should give the other person an apology to help work towards rehealing and giving them the respect they deserve- then to not do so would be dishonest and wrong.

And generally, the doms who feel they shouldn't ever have to apologize are arrogant assholes who don't make relationships work in the long term.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Avrilkiller)

Post #: 13

RE: Apologising to Subby - 7/23/2006 10:20:10 AM

Cloudz

Posts: 836
Joined: 9/13/2005
Status: offline

Apologize after making a mistake?

Always, without question.

_____________________________

Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

(in reply to Avrilkiller)

Post #: 14

RE: Apologising to Subby - 7/23/2006 10:25:32 AM

BlkMastr4Slave

Posts: 1
Joined: 6/30/2006
Status: offline

Please note my response is a personal opinion and should not be taken as the letter of the law. In my opinion, I think it's healthy to show your submissive and those around you that although you have chosent to engage life as a Dominant or Master that the human in you has not left. The example you used of your Master accidently dropping a cigarette on you is a perfect example of showing how genuinely sorry he was for inflicting that kind of discomfort and pain on you. I don't feel it weakened him in any way, if anyting, it showed he had compassion and understanding. Surely the qualities that any slave or submissive would like from their Masters and Mistresses?

(in reply to Avrilkiller)

Post #: 15

RE: Apologising to Subby - 7/23/2006 12:20:33 PM

Sab

Posts: 325
Joined: 5/2/2006
From: Canada
Status: offline

[Quote]ORIGINAL: Lashra

Of course you should apologize if an apology is in order. Being a Dominant is no excuse for being ill mannered. We are supposed to take care of our subs and owning up to our own mistakes is part of that.

~Lashra
[/quote]

Say's it all :)

_____________________________

God blessed it and it brought me to her.

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 16

RE: Apologising to Subby - 7/23/2006 12:35:36 PM

diamonddreamlove

Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline

Can not imagine submitting to a Dom that can't apologise when an apology is warranted. Now if He were to apologise for giving a delicious spanking well then i would wonder lol.

_____________________________

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

(in reply to Sab)

Post #: 17

RE: Apologising to Subby - 7/23/2006 12:46:47 PM

scottjk

Posts: 335
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

An interesting thread. Mind if I throw in an intellectual twist?

I'm not going to do the 'me too' thing. Stating the obvious will not contribute. :)

What if, for the sake of argument, that rather than offering a verbal apology, the dominant takes steps to correct his/her mistake. I would think that would speak a greater sincerity then a verbal apology. To add to the above example, a prompt examination, triage and treatment might speak volumes. Would a verbal apology be specifically required, or would action be more significant?

(in reply to diamonddreamlove)

Post #: 18

RE: Apologising to Subby - 7/23/2006 1:52:17 PM

Estring

Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: scottjk

An interesting thread. Mind if I throw in an intellectual twist?

I'm not going to do the 'me too' thing. Stating the obvious will not contribute. :)

What if, for the sake of argument, that rather than offering a verbal apology, the dominant takes steps to correct his/her mistake. I would think that would speak a greater sincerity then a verbal apology. To add to the above example, a prompt examination, triage and treatment might speak volumes. Would a verbal apology be specifically required, or would action be more significant?

As they say, "Actions speak louder than words". An apology that isn't backed up by action or change, is meaningless.

_____________________________

Boycott Whales!

(in reply to scottjk)

Post #: 19

RE: Apologising to Subby - 7/23/2006 4:37:33 PM

Master96

Posts: 593
Joined: 2/13/2006
Status: offline

[Quote]ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
If you feel you did wrong and that you should give the other person an apology to help work towards rehealing and giving them the respect they deserve- then to not do so would be dishonest and wrong.
[/quote]

Even if I don’t feel I did a mistake, and my slave tells me she is hurt I apologies for sure.

[Quote]ORIGINAL: Estring
As they say, "Actions speak louder than words". An apology that isn't backed up by action or change, is meaningless.
[/quote]

Totally agree.

Making my slave happy is important to me as to make myself happy.

Master96,

(in reply to Estring)

Post #: 20

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