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Threatening release - 7/23/2006 5:29:47 AM   
puella


Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		I am going to try to keep as much of my own perspective out of this question as possible as I am genuinely interested in hearing others opinions and ideas on it.

What are your views on using the threat (not idly) of release as a method of behavior modification?  Do you think it is a viable and constructive tool to accomplish what you want done in your relationship and your submissive? What are your reasons for choosing to employ this method ?  What do you think are the drawbacks of this approach (if any)?

Thanks!
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RE: Threatening release - 7/23/2006 5:31:40 AM   
zumala


Posts: 1121
Joined: 6/16/2005
Status: offline 		This reponse is from the submissive side, obviously.
 
I haven't been in a situation where that has happened, but I can tell you that my initial reaction might be to question the relationship and consider asking to leave myself.  It reminds me of the parent that threatens to toss a teen out on the street if they don't (fill in the blank).  Highly unstable way to do things.  Not good in my opinion.
 
zuma

< Message edited by zumala -- 7/23/2006 5:32:23 AM >

(in reply to puella)
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RE: Threatening release - 7/23/2006 5:34:23 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		I am not, of course, a Dominant or Master. I would never want this used idly - it would make me question how much trust I could place in the other person, and their sincerity in general. But I know it would scare the hell out of me - and it appears it can sometimes be quite effective in modifying behavior, when I've heard (or read) it's been used with some others. I am taking for granted the "offense in question" has to have been a pretty big one (though perhaps not - some Masters and Dominants might be quirky, that way)...

- Susan 

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/23/2006 5:51:42 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to puella)
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RE: Threatening release - 7/23/2006 5:36:01 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		I see it the same way that I see those who threaten suicide in order to manipulate those around them. It says, I am not willing to act like a rational adult and do the work to resolve the problem....I am going to use myself as a tool to get what I want, hold my very presence over your head. If you don't do what I want you can't have me...na na na na na na. To those types I say "Have a nice life" or "Do you have a preference what type of flowers you'd like at the funeral?".

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to puella)
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RE: Threatening release - 7/23/2006 5:37:58 AM   
Jasmyn


Posts: 1234
Joined: 2/6/2004
From: New Zealand
Status: offline 		Puella ... I tend to think if they are been stubborn and won't submit to what it is I need/want ...then they are welcome to walk ... otherwise they accept and trust I do have their best interest at heart and get on with it.

As I've never had to threaten with the releasing of someone, I don't feel qualified to give a definitive answer as to whether or not this is a good tool to use to bring about a change in behaviour. ..but my gut tells me it could say more about the dominant than the submissive... but I could be wrong ...

_____________________________

quote:

"To learn the art of submission a slave must first give up the desires that drew him to submission in the first place." Mistress Jasmyn Jan 2005.


Visit My Website


(in reply to puella)
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RE: Threatening release - 7/23/2006 5:38:31 AM   
Areflectionofyou


Posts: 258
Joined: 4/4/2006
Status: offline 		One should never threaten unless they intend on following through on the threat.....my opinion
sincerely,
jennifer

(in reply to puella)
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RE: Threatening release - 7/23/2006 5:38:43 AM   
lilninotchka


Posts: 121
Joined: 8/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: puella

I am going to try to keep as much of my own perspective out of this question as possible as I am genuinely interested in hearing others opinions and ideas on it.

What are your views on using the threat (not idly) of release as a method of behavior modification?  Do you think it is a viable and constructive tool to accomplish what you want done in your relationship and your submissive? What are your reasons for choosing to employ this method ?  What do you think are the drawbacks of this approach (if any)?

Thanks!


This doesn't seem to fall into the behavior modification category, although that may happen as a result. Seems that this would be more of a firm, 'what I will and will not abide by' type of action. Not to be used for minor issues, but with larger, relationship ending issues. At this point, it becomes an ultimatum and thought, serious thought, needs to be undertaken by all involved.
Just opinion and personal perspective, of course

(in reply to puella)
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RE: Threatening release - 7/23/2006 5:38:44 AM   
MsIncognito


Posts: 742
Joined: 5/24/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: puella

What are your views on using the threat (not idly) of release as a method of behavior modification? 


Although I'm not dominant, I don't think I'd want to have to threaten the person I'm in a relationship with to get them to get their act together. I think it's a good idea to make expectations clear at the outset and if one of those expectations is that release will be the result for poor behaviour (ie defiance or whatever the couple decides warrants release) but to have to be threatening it only shows the dominant isn't serious about that condition, IMO. 

quote:


Do you think it is a viable and constructive tool to accomplish what you want done in your relationship and your submissive?


I think it's ineffective if it's not followed through on. This is the kind of thing that can only be threatened ONCE before it becomes a meaningless, idle threat.  It's also the kind of thing that's pretty darn final so as a dominant you'd better be prepared to lose your submissive if you make this threat or you'd better reserve this threat only for the really serious deal breakers in the relationship.

quote:


What are your reasons for choosing to employ this method ?  What do you think are the drawbacks of this approach (if any)


Again, I'm not dominant but I think that many times this is used as a scare tactic which renders it ineffective.  The drawbacks are that if you use it in this way your submissive quickly learns that you don't really mean what you say and that will erode the D/s dynamic, IMO.

(in reply to puella)
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RE: Threatening release - 7/23/2006 5:40:09 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Good point, mistoferin.
Why couldn't they just work on whatever the problem is with their submissive or slave, instead? There might be some case where this might not work, though - like if someone has another Master and have not stated they are Poly, and the one Master didn't know it, or is married and lied about that, or ditto but has children, or is not interested in some aspect of bdsm they claimed to have an interest in that is really important to the Dominant or Master (whatever that might be), but actually never had that interest...in which case, I'd say the Master or Dominant might be completely justified.

Of course, in these cases, possibly the only thing adaptable, per se, to behavior modification (unless the Master-Dominant expects the sub or slave to get a divorce or leave her kids with relatives, or become monogamous) is the bdsm activity preference, I suppose. Still, I suppose these cases have happened, somewhere, to someone. 

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/23/2006 5:52:27 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Threatening release - 7/23/2006 5:43:42 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		It is not a threat, it is a consequence.

Cheeky banter is likely to recieve a slapped arse, that is play. If there is a problem, a REAL problem, then I expect my girl to be focused on resolving the problem as much as I am. Real problems, if not dealt with eventualy become relationship breakers, that is just the reality of the situation, it doesn't need stating or 'threatening'.

To use it as a threat, IMO is counter productive. The girl, assuming she cares about the relationship, will then be too busy worrying about the threat and being insecure that it gets in the way of her focusing on whatever the problem actualy is.


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to puella)
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RE: Threatening release - 7/23/2006 5:44:40 AM   
irishbynature


Posts: 551
Joined: 5/11/2006
Status: offline 		Zuma,
I totally agree...and besides, who would want to live in a situation of  feeling like you're walking on eggshells thinking you'll be released! With my temper, after a few hints of  'release'....feet on floor with the echo of my heels down the hallway as I walk out!
Warmly,
Irishbynatue


_____________________________


What seems nasty, painful, or evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, for those who have the vision to recognize it as such. Henry Miller


(in reply to zumala)
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RE: Threatening release - 7/23/2006 5:46:03 AM   
lilninotchka


Posts: 121
Joined: 8/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jasmyn

..but my gut tells me it could say more about the dominant than the submissive... but I could be wrong ...


Personal opinion is NEVER wrong! lol

What do you think this is really saying about the Dominant who uses it?

(in reply to Jasmyn)
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RE: Threatening release - 7/23/2006 5:49:25 AM   
lilninotchka


Posts: 121
Joined: 8/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse


To use it as a threat, IMO is counter productive. The girl, assuming she cares about the relationship, will then be too busy worrying about the threat and being insecure that it gets in the way of her focusing on whatever the problem actualy is.



This is true (of at least one anyway). It also erodes trust rather quickly.

(in reply to RavenMuse)
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RE: Threatening release - 7/23/2006 5:53:25 AM   
justheather


Posts: 1532
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline 		Fast reply...and please forgive me, Ive been up working all night so this might not be the most coherent post Ive ever made...(what was that thread about being a loser if you lose sleep over cm message boards...?)

Regardless of the power dynamic that exists between two individuals, I believe that in order to thrive people have a need to experience safety and security, at least relatively so, as their "baseline". For a relationship to thrive, for people to be able to communicate openly and honestly, for deep spiritual and emotional connection to exist, both people need to feel secure.

Within the realm of play/power exchange engagement/S&M, particularly if you are venturing into emotional and psychological stuff, there are certainly going to be times when that baseline of safety and security is not what you are acutely experiencing. Still, or even moreso, the baseline has to be there to go back to. The "default" setting has to be that of security.
I can imagine that somewhere there is a person, or maybe even more than one person who "gets off on" living in fear. I find it hard to imagine that this person would get off on it consistently over extended periods of time, as fear has a way of tapping one's physical and emotional resources, but an adrenaline junkie or over-thinker who just wants to full on go there for some discreet period of time might get something out of that situation. That sort of thing would almost certainly be incompatible with forming a life partnership.(But then again there are a lot of people out there who stay in/leave relationships for reasons other than the reasons I stay in/leave relationships.)

I, personally, can not imagine thriving under the constant threat of being "released". I just dont perform that well under pressure.

_____________________________

I want the scissors to be sharp
And the table perfectly level
When you cut me out of my life
And paste me in that book you always carry.
-Billy Collins

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Threatening release - 7/23/2006 5:54:23 AM   
ecstasy


Posts: 3
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline 		Depending upon the situation and the behavior modification, it could be an effective way of correction.  The down side would be the of course the over use of such threat.  Just as the little boy who cried wolf.  Transversely, using such threat for trivial modification would make me question the sincerity, importance and the general relationship with said Dom/me.

As a Switch i feel i can offer a unique perspective seeing both sides of the issue.  But of course... this is only one persons opinion.  

I would never use the threat of release for minor infractions. (I am sure that was probably implied but not specified in your inquiry).  If Daddy were to threaten release for something minor, then i would put serious  thought into the relationship and if He was truly the man for me if something minor would threaten such harsh punishment.  This of course does not mean that the issue necessarily IS minor.. to them it may be something of great importance, but that would be the issues reflected.  Is this the type of harsh discipline that i desire?

Not every Dom/me is the same... thats why there are so many on this website.. and there is no one RIGHT way to do things... only right for those involved.

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Threatening release - 7/23/2006 5:56:30 AM   
PlayfulOne


Posts: 1047
Status: offline 		I think it depends on what we are  trying to change.  Once upon a time my little one used to smoke, she quit long before we became a couple.   Should she walk in one day with a cigarette in her hand we would have a come to Jesus meeting on the spot.  It would be you can smoke or you can have your collar but you can't have both.  That would be a serious issue in the relationship that would merit release.

My general feeling is, we should be able to discuss issues as adults.  If things need to be dealt with by using threats then both parties need to take a serious look at why they are in this relationship.  I should be able to motivate my girl without threats (especially one that extreme) and she should contribute her part in the relationship without needing to be placed at gun point.

K
 

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Threatening release - 7/23/2006 5:57:41 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		I have 'fear play' (for lack of a better term) as something I am interested in. But true-and-honest-forever-threatening-to-dissolve-the-relationship is not the way I'd prefer to have any abandonment fear played out. Surely there would be other ways to play out a fear of abodonment, if either one of us wanted to ever explore that.

I'd want to know upfront, if possible, the kinds of things that would merit my release. I'd feel safer that way, overall, in the relationship - and feeling safe is important to me. 

- Susan 

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/23/2006 6:09:49 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to justheather)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Threatening release - 7/23/2006 5:57:52 AM   
sublizzie


Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline 		If it's only a threat and not something that is truly meant, then it's useless. But it could possibly be the slap-in-the-face someone might need to realize that things are BAD and they need to get their a** in gear and change quickly. However, if things have gotten to the point where release is the next step, how much of a relationship is there anyway?

(in reply to puella)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Threatening release - 7/23/2006 6:00:08 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		I can see it used perhaps once, and as others have said, it would need to be followed up on, it can't be a regular thing. That would take it from an honest and direct statement of possible consequences to a mamby pamby "I'm going to count to 3.... 1, 2, ........3......now, cut it out, I mean it......1....2....3........ will you stop that......*.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to lilninotchka)
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RE: Threatening release - 7/23/2006 6:02:56 AM   
justheather


Posts: 1532
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline 		I agree, Susan.
Fear plays a role in the dynamic I share with my significant other, but he does not hold the threat of abandoment over my head in some kind of scene-that-never-ends.

I think that would be terribly isolating for the dom.

_____________________________

I want the scissors to be sharp
And the table perfectly level
When you cut me out of my life
And paste me in that book you always carry.
-Billy Collins

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 20
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