RE: Threatening release

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hizgeorgiapeach -> RE: Threatening release (7/23/2006 10:05:53 AM)
Fast reply, here. I figure if you're to the point of saying "I'm going to leave if" - then it's time to either shit or get off the pot rather than talking about it. I don't see threatening it as some sort of Sword of Damacleas, I see it as attempted emotional blackmail, and therefore a form of abuse. It's emotional blackmail regardless of which partner it springs from, or what sort of dynamic is in place. The understanding that not upholding your agreed upon responcibilities means termination of the relationship is a different animal - that's not a threat or a manipulation ploy - but it's also usually an up front understanding (at least I feel it is in a healthy relationship between adults) and it's not restated constantly - it's simply There, and it's a reasonable expectation. I've had that sort of manipulation attemped against me in the past. It didn't work then, and it's unlikely to ever start working in the future. Last time someone pulled that on me, in fact, I walked to the door, opened it, and said "Have a nice life." Much like Erin, though - I'm the person who, when someone starts threatening suicide, I hand them a loaded gun and tell them to make sure they don't miss, because I agree that the planet will be a much more pleasant little mudball without them on it. And yes - I really Have handed someone the gun and told them to go ahead! He didn't because he was bluffing, and I knew he was bluffing. But I had already decided I was simply going to call and have them send a body bag if by some miracle he wasn't bluffing. Who am I to stand in someone's way and decide for them whether they're better off living or dead?

popeye1250 -> RE: Threatening release (7/23/2006 10:36:32 AM)
I wouldn't do it. If I had a Collared slave, that to me anyway would be just like being married.

sharainks -> RE: Threatening release (7/23/2006 11:43:48 AM)
For me it would be a feeling that the dominant was not interested in working through whatever was wrong. It also has the feel of a sequence that is a relationship ender to me. That is, demanding, then manipulation, then an attempt at forcing the issue. If something is truly causing this many problems in a relationship a lot of heavy duty conversation about what both want out of it would seem to be more in order. Sometimes dominants ask for things that submissives, for whatever reason, are just not capable or willing to give. If one can't live without having that something, and one cannot live with giving it threats aren't going to solve it.

diamonddreamlove -> RE: Threatening release (7/23/2006 12:11:22 PM)
Threat of release should never happen only promise of release should the behavior continue. I personally would have difficulty with it being a threat or promise but then i would hope that if the circumstances were that serious we would have already been working or the problem and have an understanding of the consequences of continued misbehavior. Consequences not the end necessarily although given that type of choice well even subs and slaves sometimes reach limits on security levels and for me that would result in my taking a long hard look at if i wanted the relationship to continue. That would happen one time and if a second promise/threat occurred then it would be time to leave because i would feel i am not able to plz the Dom.

MistressMelissa -> RE: Threatening release (7/23/2006 1:07:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: puella I am going to try to keep as much of my own perspective out of this question as possible as I am genuinely interested in hearing others opinions and ideas on it. What are your views on using the threat (not idly) of release as a method of behavior modification? Do you think it is a viable and constructive tool to accomplish what you want done in your relationship and your submissive? What are your reasons for choosing to employ this method ? What do you think are the drawbacks of this approach (if any)? Thanks! I don't use release as a threat but more to clarify the rules of whats expected. I have a slave that needs to take medication for a very serious condition. She does not like to takes these medications and people of her condition are notorious for not wanting to take their medications. It is a condition of her service in my house that she will take her medications as the doctors have prescribed and she is monitored daily for medication compliance. Since without her medications she would not only be a risk to herself but to others in my house as well, I have little choice but to set these conditions. Likewise I have a submissive that has been in my service for 4 years now. When I informed her I was adding slaves to the house she was given the choice to accept this or she was free to beg release and move out of the house. That was not a choice either of us made lightly. She understands what her choices are and she has to live with what she has chosen. I will not sit and debate things with a slave either. I screen carefully and explain in great detail what I expect and what they can expect. Once here if they try to renegotiate the rules, that is not acceptable and they will be released from their trial period. Note I said slave and not a submissive. Slaves and subs are different critters in my book and thus they have different rules. If I have to micro manage and waste my time on someone who does not wish to live as they claimed, they are just wasting both our time and they should be released. I own slaves to make my life more comfortable, not too give myself something more to do. Neither do I own them for some romantic love affair. If I am going to accept responsibility for their physical and mental welfare, I expect their obedience in return. Like with any discipline, if you say you will do something you must carry it through to completion. If you tell a child you will spank them for doing X and they do X, you have little choice but to spank them. Failure to spank them would teach them that there is no consequence for their behavior and that is a very slippery slope. I also will have failed to keep my word. Bottom line is it's my house and thus my rules. If you find my rules acceptable then you have a place in my house. If you don't find my rules acceptable you are free to move out. I know how I wish to live and I will not compromise my standards. I would rather live alone than compromise who I am, so in my case it is a condition, not a threat.

TemptingNviceSub -> RE: Threatening release (7/23/2006 4:25:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MysticFireTopaz quote: ORIGINAL: puella What are your views on using the threat (not idly) of release as a method of behavior modification? Do you think it is a viable and constructive tool to accomplish what you want done in your relationship and your submissive? What are your reasons for choosing to employ this method ? What do you think are the drawbacks of this approach (if any)? I am completely against using threats of release as a method of behavior modification. I would never employ this method, so I cannot provide any reasons for choosing to do this. Some of the drawbacks are that a submissive is very likely to resent the threat and take a walk themselves. I think it is also very damaging to the relationship and destroys trust. In addition, if the Dom/me uses the threat repeatedly, it loses its effect, like the "crying wolf" syndrome. In summary, I can't think of a single reason to use this method, but can think of several reasons NOT to. Lady Topaz Exactly!...if I, as a submisssive ,were threatened in such a way,not only would my trust in my Dominant be fractured,but any hope I may have had for the success of the relationship would be voided out, Thus the damage would be irreparable..I would walk....Tempting

aleshaDreams -> RE: Threatening release (7/23/2006 4:39:08 PM)
Personally I think a person can only cry wolf so many times, I think this would be counterproductive and the submissive could end up leaving far before You might expect. We want to know we are appreciated, cared for etc. to threaten us with loss is no more than a f*cken game in my mind and the first time I heard it I would go hummmm the second time I would plan leaving on my own before I invested anymore time into any service to One. Of course that is from my perspective as I desire someOne solid in my life - threats like that make me question how assured the Other is. imo of course.

SireThomas -> RE: Threatening release (7/23/2006 4:54:51 PM)
You are magnificent !

ichana -> RE: Threatening release (7/23/2006 4:55:23 PM)
Thank you, hizgeorgiapeach, for bringing out the "a" word. When one uses the threat of release to control the submissive, the relationship has crossed the line from BDSM to emotional abuse. I was in a relationship like that once. The Domme I served, with whom I was madly in love, would threaten to end the relationship whenever the going got tough. I'd always beg for her not to, promise to change, say whatever I had to so that I could continue to serve her. One time, though, she took it too far. She took the collar off and told me to move out. I did, and she was shocked that I moved all my stuff out and stopped acting as her submissive. While having a relationship "deal-breaker" is one thing (I don't think anyone would say "Stop cheating on me or I'll release you" is abusive), the constant uncertainty of never knowing when you'll step on the eggshell wrong and set her off is neither emotionally fulfilling nor healthy. It's been over a year, and I'm still not over it yet. So, I'm with everyone else. Threating release is not an appropriate (or useful) way to get a sub to obey.

Donnalee -> RE: Threatening release (7/23/2006 5:08:28 PM)
quote: the constant uncertainty of never knowing when you'll step on the eggshell wrong and set her off is neither emotionally fulfilling nor healthy. I agree with that, totally. It certainly isn't even on the same planet as wondering if you've pleased your partner - it just scary and takes the relationship back. In the getting to know a Dom online once, I said something untoward and his response was a threat to put me on his ignore list. I never trusted him again.

akisha -> RE: Threatening release (7/23/2006 5:23:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: puella I am going to try to keep as much of my own perspective out of this question as possible as I am genuinely interested in hearing others opinions and ideas on it. What are your views on using the threat (not idly) of release as a method of behavior modification? Do you think it is a viable and constructive tool to accomplish what you want done in your relationship and your submissive? What are your reasons for choosing to employ this method ? What do you think are the drawbacks of this approach (if any)? Thanks! First... I have not read all the responces yet S so this is just my view on the OP If it was at a point that my Master was ready and willing to threaten to release me, I'd probably leave. It would be like my nilla husband threatening divorce or my boyfriend threatening to break up with me. If they are so unhappy that they will threaten to leave me, well then I'll just leave. If there is a problem it should be discussed. Now if I didn something I knew I shouldn't have then yes please make me sit in the corner, make me read the dictionary. whatever you want as a form or punishment but I think threatening to withdraw your affection is a chicken assed way to go about things. That's how things work for me. I don't believe in the "do it or I'll not want you anymore" method. I can understand that after telling the sub repeatedly that a behavior is unacceptable and she or he doesn't stop then yes by all means release them, but constant threats to do so would just breed a feeling of 1. He'll never follow through so why listen or 2. the sub will not feel stable in the relationship.

stanton -> RE: Threatening release (7/23/2006 5:34:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RavenMuse To use it as a threat, IMO is counter productive. The girl, assuming she cares about the relationship, will then be too busy worrying about the threat and being insecure that it gets in the way of her focusing on whatever the problem actualy is. Agreed!

ExSteelAgain -> RE: Threatening release (7/23/2006 5:44:35 PM)
The subject reminds me of a warning often used in gun safety. Never pull it unless you are prepared to use it.

shandra -> RE: Threatening release (7/23/2006 5:45:05 PM)
sometimes theres required behaviourial changes one has a very hard time making and if the behaviour makes the dominant party's life more stressful than is worth keeping one around then of course its an option, not even release per se it can be simply 'pointing- there is the door if you walk out dont ever return' and i wind up begging to be allowed to still obey/serve and try to change the behaviours that keep this scenario an option however i do not resent this as its a consequence which has already partly occurred and was never a threat

ownedgirlie -> RE: Threatening release (7/23/2006 7:06:19 PM)
~ Fast Reply ~ I know a girl whose Master used to use threat of release as a means to keep her in line. It made her quite neurotic, and was very destructive. Finally a time came when he threatened it and she said "Please, please just release me" because she could not stand it any further. Master has not threatened release, nor would he as a means to discipline, although it is known that if ever I do not wish to submit then he has no reason to keep me. There has been a time when my submission was called into question, and I was required to think seriously about it whether or not I wished to remain his slave. The result of that was that I came to understand my deep need to be his slave, and my devotion to him became clear. It was a turning point for me. If such an assignment came regularly, I do not think it would have had such a profound effect.

juliaoceania -> RE: Threatening release (7/23/2006 7:49:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie ~ Fast Reply ~ I know a girl whose Master used to use threat of release as a means to keep her in line. It made her quite neurotic, and was very destructive. Finally a time came when he threatened it and she said "Please, please just release me" because she could not stand it any further. Master has not threatened release, nor would he as a means to discipline, although it is known that if ever I do not wish to submit then he has no reason to keep me. There has been a time when my submission was called into question, and I was required to think seriously about it whether or not I wished to remain his slave. The result of that was that I came to understand my deep need to be his slave, and my devotion to him became clear. It was a turning point for me. If such an assignment came regularly, I do not think it would have had such a profound effect. Was your friend released by this "master"? or did he mend his ways?

ownedgirlie -> RE: Threatening release (7/23/2006 8:25:33 PM)
I think it was an eye opener. They have been together for years since that situation. They have both changed a great deal, having grown from past errors. He is a good man, and recognized his actions as damaging.

juliaoceania -> RE: Threatening release (7/23/2006 8:31:13 PM)
It sounds like they were both young, which there must be a large learning curve to emotionally handle being a dominant.

ownedgirlie -> RE: Threatening release (7/23/2006 8:38:41 PM)
Not young age-wise, no. He was a fairly "new" Master. He exudes power but made some errors in channeling it correctly. I'm in touch with her more than him these days, and glad to see her so happy now.

sweetnurseBBW -> RE: Threatening release (7/23/2006 8:46:22 PM)
As a slave I dont see it as a constructive way to modify behavior, there are much more effective ways. Emotionally manipulating someone to change behavior just instills doubt in the slave and doesn't accomplish a thing but creating distance between a Master and slave.

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