Submissive Female Seeking Advice (Full Version)

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newsubbie31 -> Submissive Female Seeking Advice (11/2/2016 10:18:59 PM)

Hi! I'm a new submissive who's currently in a part time relationship with a Dom. Just to give you a little background:

I'm a submissive woman, and I've recently entered in to a part time D/s relationship with a very successful male Dom that is 23 years older than me, and is very experienced in BDSM. My relationship with my Dom is currently part time, as I live by myself during the weekdays for work, but go to his house on Friday night and stay till Sunday night, full time as a submissive. We originally planed to move our relationship in to full-time if everything works out. So far, our relationship has lasted almost 2 months.

Some questions/issues I had were:

1. My Dom makes me write a journal in which I have to write a page each day, including Fridays. The journal is basically about what I did over the week and personal thoughts. I feel writing the journal is boring and unenjoyable, I was wondering if I should tell my Dom this?

2. My Dom has a rule in which I am not to look at him in the eyes when he is talking to me and especially if he is giving me instructions for something. Is this normal?

3. More recently, my Dom has me wear a thin metal collar, which is fine with me. But occasionally, he would lock the collar (along with me) by the bedpost when we are sleeping. I sleep on the floor some nights but again I am fine with it because the floor is thick carpet, but I just feel it is dangerous being restrained while sleeping?

4. This is a little intimate but since I am anonymous I will ask anyways. My Dom and I agreed on no anal penetration of any sort, given that I am an anal virgin and my Dom said he will never force me in to anything. Lately, my Dom has been touching my butthole from time to time (i.e. during baths and inspection) and it is making me feel uneasy, would this be something I should bring up with him?

My Dom is on a business trip throughout the weekend and the following week so I was hoping to get some insight on the questions I had before we meet again. Thank you!!!



Alecta -> RE: Submissive Female Seeking Advice (11/2/2016 10:41:47 PM)

1. Yes, but he will probably still make you do it.
2. Yes, many people do this. Some will require you look at them when they speak to you and give you orders. Others may require you touch your toes and write everything they say down.
3. Talk to him. Many people do the same.
4. Yes, talk to him. But don't argue. Talk and listen and think. Don't fight. It seems like he is just trying to get you to be comfortable with that part of your body rather than force anything in. As Dom he would want you to trust him to the extent that he could literally be pressing on your ass and not penetrating and you would be relaxed and trusting. It is his job to get you to that level of trust and yours to let him try. That said, if he is failing to get your trust and you are still uncomfortable with it, and he does not want to accept this, then maybe that's the deal breaker for the two of you. But at least talk to him and give him the chance to lead you.



flyzride -> RE: Submissive Female Seeking Advice (11/2/2016 11:03:40 PM)

1. Two way communication is key to a successful relationship,,,it's a warning sign if that is not encouraged, a danger if discouraged. The journal is an exercise to develop thoughtful devotion and discipline in you, and gives Dom another level of insight into you, important given the distance, p/t nature of your dynamic.

2. Eye contact restriction is a real thing, either it works on you or it doesn't,,he'll decide whether it suits his agenda or not.

3. Another tool to develop devotion, submission and trust that he wil take care your safety.

4. He is respecting your limit while pushing your existing envelope,,,you are, or should be,,,constantly under observation and evaluation,,,what's working,,what isn't,,,in order to get you to be the submissive he requires.

This, and a great deal more,,is well documented in the basic literature for beginners,,,I take it you don't have a library and have not done any research on your own. Not a good idea.



TieMeInKnottss -> RE: Submissive Female Seeking Advice (11/3/2016 1:42:23 AM)

First, I highly suggest reading some of the books listed on here since you are new. While many of us are submissive by nature, there is still a challenge to "letting go" of control. As adults, we are accustomed to having a voice and freedom and making choices.

Reading between the lines but your issues have to do with comfort mostly. Yes, you need to be comfortable to feel safe but that is not the same as uncomfortable because you don't enjoy something. My last master (who I met on these boards) would always discuss, explain BUT the ultimate answer would be.."do it because that is what I said". Much like we will tell kids "because I said so" or "because I am the mom & I make the rules", he has the right to tell you to stand on your head. Granted, you may ask why or voice your opinion/reasons why you don't want to do it BUT...it IS his right as dom to say "just because". This is why you must have a level of trust and comfort before submitting. Your own child will quickly acquiesce to a parental command such as "do not run" because they have learned that their parent is looking out for them, knows what is best (yeah...I KNOW...this is an "ideal") so they do as they are told even if they desperately want to run or don't see any danger...but a kid who is unfamiliar with you is not going to just "do".



ThatDizzyChick -> RE: Submissive Female Seeking Advice (11/3/2016 3:08:18 AM)

quote:

1. My Dom makes me write a journal in which I have to write a page each day, including Fridays. The journal is basically about what I did over the week and personal thoughts. I feel writing the journal is boring and unenjoyable, I was wondering if I should tell my Dom this?

Yes, you should bring up all your concerns with him. The key to the success of any relationship is communication.
quote:

2. My Dom has a rule in which I am not to look at him in the eyes when he is talking to me and especially if he is giving me instructions for something. Is this normal?

Normal? Darling, by definition none of what we do is "normal" However such eye contact rules are not unusul.
quote:

3. More recently, my Dom has me wear a thin metal collar, which is fine with me. But occasionally, he would lock the collar (along with me) by the bedpost when we are sleeping. I sleep on the floor some nights but again I am fine with it because the floor is thick carpet, but I just feel it is dangerous being restrained while sleeping?

Discuss this with him, perhaps an ankle chain would make you more comfortable
quote:

4. This is a little intimate but since I am anonymous I will ask anyways. My Dom and I agreed on no anal penetration of any sort, given that I am an anal virgin and my Dom said he will never force me in to anything. Lately, my Dom has been touching my butthole from time to time (i.e. during baths and inspection) and it is making me feel uneasy, would this be something I should bring up with him?

Yes, you should bring up all your concerns with him. The key to the success of any relationship is communication.



OsideGirl -> RE: Submissive Female Seeking Advice (11/3/2016 9:09:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: newsubbie31


1. My Dom makes me write a journal in which I have to write a page each day, including Fridays. The journal is basically about what I did over the week and personal thoughts. I feel writing the journal is boring and unenjoyable, I was wondering if I should tell my Dom this?
I agree with others that communication is very, very important. But, I will also say that while it is important to communicate, keep in mind where the line is when it comes to topping from the bottom.

quote:

2. My Dom has a rule in which I am not to look at him in the eyes when he is talking to me and especially if he is giving me instructions for something. Is this normal?
It's not normal for me but it is normal for others. It's a personal choice thing.

quote:

3. More recently, my Dom has me wear a thin metal collar, which is fine with me. But occasionally, he would lock the collar (along with me) by the bedpost when we are sleeping. I sleep on the floor some nights but again I am fine with it because the floor is thick carpet, but I just feel it is dangerous being restrained while sleeping?
As long as he is there and has the key at hand, the danger is minimal.

quote:

4. This is a little intimate but since I am anonymous I will ask anyways. My Dom and I agreed on no anal penetration of any sort, given that I am an anal virgin and my Dom said he will never force me in to anything. Lately, my Dom has been touching my butthole from time to time (i.e. during baths and inspection) and it is making me feel uneasy, would this be something I should bring up with him?
You negotiated a limit of anal. He's trying to push that limit and my personal opinion is that limits shouldn't get pushed unless the submissive requests it. So, I would say yes, definitely bring up the fact that him toying with that limit is making you uncomfortable.





Greta75 -> RE: Submissive Female Seeking Advice (11/3/2016 9:13:13 PM)

1) Common yes
2) Common yes
3) Common yes
4) Alot of men do not register that no anal penetrations equal no touching of anal area. Many of them would rationalized that, they are just touching and not penetrating which is not the same thing. Men NEEDS specifics. EVEN if he was a dominant. So If you want to include touching of anal area a hard limit, you should definitely voice that out to him.

Last of all, there is no right or wrong way in BDSM.

There is only what is mutually agreed between both of you. For a healthy D/S relationship, you need to feel comfortable enough to be transparent with your dominant on your feelings on anything without fail and if he is the right one for you, he will address it in a manner where both can be happy with results.

So personally, all your concerns from point 1 to point 4 should be addressed to him directly and then you will get to hear his point of view on the matter. And then decide if you can live with it.

There is no right or wrong here, only compatibility and compromises, and what works exclusively between both of you, like any normal relationships.



Lucylastic -> RE: Submissive Female Seeking Advice (11/3/2016 10:22:15 PM)

OP
I cant give you any better advice than you have already been given, but Im wondering about your anal question.
Obviously you dont need to say it here, but it is something to think about.
Do you get any pleasurable response when he presses against your ass?? or does it leave you cold?
Is the unease due to it actually being played with, or is it more a feeling that you are worried he is gonna go to far before you are ready? or doess it make you about the "unknown"?

Have you done any personal exploration with lube or a finger, that might be a place to start, once you have discussed it with your Dom. If you are willing to push that limit.

All are valid feelings depending on your experience.
Not everyone is into anal.
I dont know about recently but the best book I have read about anal sex is
The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women: Tristan Taormino ... You can find it on amazon, and in kindle form I think
Good Luck






newsubbie31 -> RE: Submissive Female Seeking Advice (11/3/2016 11:51:22 PM)

Great advice, thank you! :)



newsubbie31 -> RE: Submissive Female Seeking Advice (11/4/2016 12:10:04 AM)

@Lucylastic

I appreciate the question and my answer is that anal sex is not something I am into or currently looking to try or explore. So no, I don't get any pleasure from being touched there but rather nervous. I've also never done any "personal exploration" because it is not something I am into.

It was one of the topics i've discussed with my Dom before and he understands. I don't think he is trying to pressure me in to anal either as he is very respectful. Based on other people's advice I might talk to him about it because it might be that my Dom doesn't know touching me there is making me uncomfortable.

Also thanks for the book suggestion, I will be sure to check it out! :)



Lucylastic -> RE: Submissive Female Seeking Advice (11/4/2016 12:28:56 AM)

:) I hope it helps, yes, I understand the discomfort in a few things, when limits are being questioned.
its an intimate sensation, it really helps to figure out how you feel about it, even jot down a note or write it out, so that you can tell him what bothers you about it. Through trial and error, my ex submissive had anal desires, but also had long time crohns. We got extremely intimate about it because medically we had to.
I also went thru my own issues it was a limit for a number of years. So I can understand where you are coming from as well.
Everything that you can give as a clue about your unease will hopefully give you both chance to get to reach a happy place.



DesFIP -> RE: Submissive Female Seeking Advice (11/4/2016 9:54:50 PM)

If things work for you, great. If they don't you need to tell him that.

A lot of the stuff he's doing are common with inexperienced dominants who read this stuff.

Journals didn't work for me. I've never been a diary person. I felt much better writing him emails and getting his thoughts back. Writing to myself just felt like mental masturbation.

Restricting eye contact also prevents him from sensing how you feel. Not only do you not get a sense of how he feels, but it blocks him from knowing about you. I'd ask him about why he's doing this and how it makes you feel.

But I don't get a sense that you're all that happy with how this relationship is going. And you deserve to be happy in your relationships.

And yeah, the only person who should be pushing your limits is you. But if you're not stopping him when he does this, he may well think that you'll also be fine with him penetrating you anally. You need to speak up when things are bothering you. If you don't, then it will just get worse.

You teach people how to treat you by what you accept. Stop accepting things that you don't want.



mrsincere -> RE: Submissive Female Seeking Advice (11/16/2016 5:47:21 PM)

Here's my advice. Start a long term investing account, contribute monthly or bi-weekly into a reputable mutual fund. Forget about it until you're ready to retire. Compound interest is a powerful tool you should utilize. Ancient Romans made it illegal because they thought Jews were abusing it. But it's legal in this epoch so everybody should take advantage of it.

A great financial read is "The wealthy barber" written by Canadian author David Chilton.

You're welcome.



Diffident -> RE: Submissive Female Seeking Advice (11/17/2016 2:15:10 AM)

Very helpful, not to mention relevant to the question. Weren't you asking why you don't get many responses in another thread?



bondageerone -> RE: Submissive Female Seeking Advice (11/17/2016 2:51:26 AM)

TMIK.
shame you are not into girls. xx



MariaB -> RE: Submissive Female Seeking Advice (11/17/2016 5:53:01 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

If things work for you, great. If they don't you need to tell him that.

A lot of the stuff he's doing are common with inexperienced dominants who read this stuff.

Journals didn't work for me. I've never been a diary person. I felt much better writing him emails and getting his thoughts back. Writing to myself just felt like mental masturbation.

Restricting eye contact also prevents him from sensing how you feel. Not only do you not get a sense of how he feels, but it blocks him from knowing about you. I'd ask him about why he's doing this and how it makes you feel.

But I don't get a sense that you're all that happy with how this relationship is going. And you deserve to be happy in your relationships.

And yeah, the only person who should be pushing your limits is you. But if you're not stopping him when he does this, he may well think that you'll also be fine with him penetrating you anally. You need to speak up when things are bothering you. If you don't, then it will just get worse.

You teach people how to treat you by what you accept. Stop accepting things that you don't want.


I agree with DesFIP, it sounds a bit too game like for this to work full time and it sounds to me like, you don't get the 'game'.

As for touching your forbidden place, you need to be clear with him that this is a no go area and that teasing you there makes you feel tense and uncomfortable.



Inghammar -> RE: Submissive Female Seeking Advice (11/17/2016 11:52:25 AM)

I am starting to call this phenomenon 'The Lebowski Effect'. In the namesake movie, The Dude was placed in the role of being a detective even though he was horrible at being a detective. He traced a pad of paper with a pencil to see what was written on the previous page. He did this not because he was good detective but rather did this because he thought that is what a good detective did. A safe combination? The location of the kidnap victim? No, it was just a doodle of an enormous phallus.

Similarly, doms often get caught up on what they think a good dom does and fall back on cliches that we read about in erotic fiction. It is possible that the rituals he does has little significance to him but he dutifully carries them out regardless. There's so much dread around the subject of 'topping from the bottom' and 'knowing your place' but again these reinforce the fantasy of the mythical magical fantasy dom who can probe your mind and find know precisely what you require from a power exchange relationship. To make things work for both of you there needs to be a clarification of what is important to both of you and what you two can do without. If as a couple you are unable to have that discussion, the only other option is to mark time in an unfulfilling relationship or to leave.



tamaka -> RE: Submissive Female Seeking Advice (11/17/2016 7:29:55 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

If things work for you, great. If they don't you need to tell him that.

A lot of the stuff he's doing are common with inexperienced dominants who read this stuff.

Journals didn't work for me. I've never been a diary person. I felt much better writing him emails and getting his thoughts back. Writing to myself just felt like mental masturbation.

Restricting eye contact also prevents him from sensing how you feel. Not only do you not get a sense of how he feels, but it blocks him from knowing about you. I'd ask him about why he's doing this and how it makes you feel.

But I don't get a sense that you're all that happy with how this relationship is going. And you deserve to be happy in your relationships.

And yeah, the only person who should be pushing your limits is you. But if you're not stopping him when he does this, he may well think that you'll also be fine with him penetrating you anally. You need to speak up when things are bothering you. If you don't, then it will just get worse.

You teach people how to treat you by what you accept. Stop accepting things that you don't want.



As for touching your forbidden place, you need to be clear with him that this is a no go area and that teasing you there makes you feel tense and uncomfortable.


Then don''t be a submissive for Christ's sake. Geeze.



Greatlilbabygirl -> RE: Submissive Female Seeking Advice (11/17/2016 9:20:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: tamaka


quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

If things work for you, great. If they don't you need to tell him that.

A lot of the stuff he's doing are common with inexperienced dominants who read this stuff.

Journals didn't work for me. I've never been a diary person. I felt much better writing him emails and getting his thoughts back. Writing to myself just felt like mental masturbation.

Restricting eye contact also prevents him from sensing how you feel. Not only do you not get a sense of how he feels, but it blocks him from knowing about you. I'd ask him about why he's doing this and how it makes you feel.

But I don't get a sense that you're all that happy with how this relationship is going. And you deserve to be happy in your relationships.

And yeah, the only person who should be pushing your limits is you. But if you're not stopping him when he does this, he may well think that you'll also be fine with him penetrating you anally. You need to speak up when things are bothering you. If you don't, then it will just get worse.

You teach people how to treat you by what you accept. Stop accepting things that you don't want.



As for touching your forbidden place, you need to be clear with him that this is a no go area and that teasing you there makes you feel tense and uncomfortable.


Then don''t be a submissive for Christ's sake. Geeze.



Please don't listen to her (tamaka). Submission isn't a one size fits all situation. You do you OP and evolve in this and other relationships as you learn more about yourself and what you can and can't tolerate.



MariaB -> RE: Submissive Female Seeking Advice (11/18/2016 12:31:15 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: tamaka


quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

If things work for you, great. If they don't you need to tell him that.

A lot of the stuff he's doing are common with inexperienced dominants who read this stuff.

Journals didn't work for me. I've never been a diary person. I felt much better writing him emails and getting his thoughts back. Writing to myself just felt like mental masturbation.

Restricting eye contact also prevents him from sensing how you feel. Not only do you not get a sense of how he feels, but it blocks him from knowing about you. I'd ask him about why he's doing this and how it makes you feel.

But I don't get a sense that you're all that happy with how this relationship is going. And you deserve to be happy in your relationships.

And yeah, the only person who should be pushing your limits is you. But if you're not stopping him when he does this, he may well think that you'll also be fine with him penetrating you anally. You need to speak up when things are bothering you. If you don't, then it will just get worse.

You teach people how to treat you by what you accept. Stop accepting things that you don't want.



As for touching your forbidden place, you need to be clear with him that this is a no go area and that teasing you there makes you feel tense and uncomfortable.


Then don''t be a submissive for Christ's sake. Geeze.



I'm not a submissive but that's beside the point. You are suggesting that if you have 'no go areas' you shouldn't be a submissive?





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