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Need Input From subs... - 7/23/2006 10:38:44 PM

HerTexasBoss

Posts: 6
Joined: 7/23/2006
Status: offline

I am a fairly new Dom....the woman I am currently dating feels like she is really drawn to the sub lifestyle. There is a problem that we are having that I hope the subs here can help me with.

When we're involved in a sexual encounter, whether it be whipping, bondage, suspension, etc...her body reacts very positively...she becomes very wet...she orgasms like crazy...and she stays physically aroused.

The problem, however, is that MENTALLY she can't seem to come to grips with all of this. She feels like I don't love her if I don't stop when she cries even though she tells me she knows I do...she is having trouble intellectually dealing with the fact that she is allowing me to do these things to her....and she is finding it very hard to accept that fact that she seems to be turned on by pain. In addition, she has a difficult time knowing how to deal with the pain if it get too intense.

How can I help her bridge this mind/body problem and the pain problem??

She is very turned on by the thought of being dominated...and she tells me the mental images of her being whipped, tied up, suspended or used and abused in other various ways really turns her on....but when we start to act them out....she can't get her mind around it....even though she acknowledges her physical response.

Some insite into me....I am a very loving Dom and I care for this woman very deeply and want to help her. She has a safeword which I heed without hesitation....although she hardly ever uses it (only a couple of times). While I don't stop doing what I'm doing because of her tears, I know her well enough to know when she's had enough....and I will end the scene. However, she always ends up "having enough" not because of physical issues, but because of the above noted mental issues.

Post #: 1

RE: Need Input From subs... - 7/23/2006 10:43:46 PM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

It sounds like to me she is having trouble accepting the fact that it is ok to enjoy these things. Society makes us feel ashamed for having these desires. Maybe you need to explore limits with her and continue to be loving and caring. Make her feel as though enjoying these things is ok. Maybe give her some reading material on the lifestyle. Give her all the info she needs to understand her own feelings.

(in reply to HerTexasBoss)

Post #: 2

RE: Need Input From subs... - 7/23/2006 11:00:25 PM

AberrantAlure

Posts: 2
Joined: 7/23/2006
Status: offline

i would say maybe sit her down, and talk about why she feels the way she does, intellectualy. Even if you don't get a straight answer at first, the more you dig, the clearer answer you should get. It sounds like she has some deep-seated issues that may need to be surpassed before she can accept herself in a submissive role.

(in reply to sweetnurseBBW)

Post #: 3

RE: Need Input From subs... - 7/23/2006 11:12:45 PM

HerTexasBoss

Posts: 6
Joined: 7/23/2006
Status: offline

I have had SEVERAL extensive discussions with her. She said that at first she equated what I did to her at "abuse"....and she struggled with it because she liked it. I told her there was a DISTINCT difference between physical "lifestyle" abuse and D/s sexual encounters. She told me she understood and that my explanation made sense. Do you have any good books that you could recommend....or good websites for a sub to learn from? Thanks.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AberrantAlure

i would say maybe sit her down, and talk about why she feels the way she does, intellectualy. Even if you don't get a straight answer at first, the more you dig, the clearer answer you should get. It sounds like she has some deep-seated issues that may need to be surpassed before she can accept herself in a submissive role.

(in reply to AberrantAlure)

Post #: 4

RE: Need Input From subs... - 7/23/2006 11:33:20 PM

ChainedExistence

Posts: 507
Joined: 2/5/2005
Status: offline

While in fantasy and in practice, she enjoys it the idea and feel of what you do together, what comes later is a sense of shame and guilt. Love isn't "supposed to" physically hurt- at least that's probably what she has always believed to be true. So, when you break those stereotypes, when her own body betrays what her head is telling her is the way things should be, then she is going to react in a negative manner. I'd suggest lots of talk- to you and to others of like mind. It would also be helpful to encourage her to read books on D/s, check out websites and forums like this,maybe associate with a local submissives group and so on. She will eventually see that plenty of "normal" loving people behave in the same way. As for dealing with the pain..you can help her with that-My Dom talks to me, and encourages me when things are getting rough. He gets down close to my ear and talks to me in a soothing voice that makes me feel like I can tackle anything! I also find myself repeating certain phrases, counting, creating certain soothing images, and so on. Give her your patience and encouragement too, and she will see that you can be trusted to continue to love her, and this is simply another way of expressing it.

< Message edited by ChainedExistence -- 7/23/2006 11:34:46 PM >

(in reply to AberrantAlure)

Post #: 5

RE: Need Input From subs... - 7/23/2006 11:49:15 PM

HerTexasBoss

Posts: 6
Joined: 7/23/2006
Status: offline

Thank you very much for an excellent post. I appreciate it.

(in reply to ChainedExistence)

Post #: 6

RE: Need Input From subs... - 7/24/2006 2:32:35 AM

heartfeltsub

Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline

Different kind of loving, Bottoming Book, there are many good books, there is also an author of a couple who writes on here from time to time John Warren. Amazon will carry all of them. Also are there any real time groups close by so that she can meet and talk with others submissives who she may feel might understand better, so she can know that she is not alone and not weird.

(in reply to HerTexasBoss)

Post #: 7

RE: Need Input From subs... - 7/24/2006 6:16:41 AM

diamonddreamlove

Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline

Having other sub/slave friends is a great help. They have given me a great deal of insite into my own thoughts and feelings. Also it can be a tad rough at first but going to a play party and just watching not playing is another good way for her to start coming to terms with herself. Atleast it helped me.

_____________________________

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 8

RE: Need Input From subs... - 7/24/2006 6:36:37 AM

Mavis

Posts: 828
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline

Quick! sign her up here. the most validating thing she can encounter is other subs whom she deems "normal". Right now, she can't reconcile herself as a normal woman while doing things that are an abberation to her, but that's only because she hasn't much to compare her experience with until she meets and mingles with others. Offline submissive friends are great if there is a wide enough pool of them in your area, but even reading the posts of those here will help her, i think.

i could be so totally wrong, but that's how i felt while still reconciling myself to these feelings, i thought OMg, i am one of those nut-cakes, but i am sane enough to recognise it, and i should be saving myself from myself... yet i'm not...

i'd love to say i was able to just embrace myself on my own terms, but naw. i needed to know i was within the range of normal, and that only came thru finding out how wide the range of "normal" really is. Now, i'm not even bothered by the idea that hey, maybe i'm not so normal after all, but that's cool too. lol

(in reply to diamonddreamlove)

Post #: 9

RE: Need Input From subs... - 7/24/2006 7:00:48 AM

LL1aintbehavin

Posts: 104
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline

HerTexasBoss
While reading the post there was one thing that disturbed me. You refer to lifestyle and D/s abuse as being different. There is still abuse in this lifestyle, which means that it is non consentual.
Perhaps if You referred to impact and D/s activities as play, and not abuse she would be able to separated it easier in her mind.
Abuse to me is power taken away forcefully and in so doing harm to the other person.
If she consents and desires this, then this should not be looked at as abuse of any kind.
It can be looked at as being used for the mutual benefit and enjoyment of both parties involved.
This is just my opinion on the use of the word abuse when it is applied to a healthy consentual relationship.
aintbehavin

(in reply to Mavis)

Post #: 10

RE: Need Input From subs... - 7/24/2006 7:50:07 AM

trippingdaisy

Posts: 113
Joined: 6/3/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline

Everyone else seems to have hit on very good points...i'll bring up another.

If she seems upset by You not stopping when she cries, then simply stop there, let that be the signal that she's undergone sensory overload. She needs to come down a little. Physically, she may respond to the harsher pain, but obviously, she has something psychological stopping her from enjoying it mentally, and let me tell you...that's one of the biggest parts of my submission. The mental/emotional satisfaction. It may not be for her, but if it is, then she's missing a big part of something, because she's not in her comfort zone yet.

She is very turned on by the thought of being dominated...and she tells me the mental images of her being whipped, tied up, suspended or used and abused in other various ways really turns her on....but when we start to act them out....she can't get her mind around it....even though she acknowledges her physical response.

You say this, and it makes me wonder...how long have the two of you been in this sort of power exchange relationship? i can tell you that i have SEVERAL horribly taboo fantasies, some of which can be relished by my Master and i, but when it comes right down to it, i highly doubt that some of the more painful and permanently damaging ones would be good to act out. In my mind, it's hot...when He threatens me with them, it's SUPER hot...but if He were to actually DO some of the things that turn me on, i might be permanently scarred, physically and mentally. In a nutshell: just because she might think something will turn her on in theory, it might not go over so well in practice.

Keep talking to her. :) Make sure she's communicating her fantasies with You properly...that she's not just telling You what arouses her, but also can differentiate between what she wants, and what she can actually take. Once she's set her limits, You can always work on stretching and moving past them at a pace that isn't harmful to her.

Hope this helped. :)

_____________________________

Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.

(in reply to HerTexasBoss)

Post #: 11

RE: Need Input From subs... - 7/24/2006 8:07:18 AM

hisforever

Posts: 81
Joined: 7/8/2006
Status: offline

I know how she feels. For a long time, I thought that there was something wrong with me because I liked these things. I found this board, and realized there isnt. There are many people out there just like me, living normal lives, they arent weirdos or anything LOL. This site has helped me out a lot, as has my Dom telling me that he also enjoys the power exchange. Its something he needs as well. It may help for her to hear that. and by NO means is it abuse! She wants this as well as you, abuse would be hurting someone out of anger, by force, to inflict damage on another. This is just the opposite, its what she needs, what she wants, what you want. Try having her come on here, read some of our posts, talk to us, we dont bite (most of the time) LOL

(in reply to trippingdaisy)

Post #: 12

RE: Need Input From subs... - 7/24/2006 8:56:18 AM

StrictDomCpl

Posts: 2
Joined: 5/31/2006
Status: offline

Frist off would like to ask a question, Has she had a previous relationship where she was abused in some way, If so there can be and uncoucious problem here and she is the only one that can work through this, But you still need to be there for her when she just needs to talk, and your support, Believe me if this a problem she will get through it. I had a similar problem when i first came into the lifestyle, but not backing away and the love of a good Master can be a wonderful thing.

(in reply to hisforever)

Post #: 13

RE: Need Input From subs... - 7/24/2006 11:12:38 AM

HerTexasBoss

Posts: 6
Joined: 7/23/2006
Status: offline

No, she has never been in an abusive relationship. She was married for almost 30 years and it was a VERY non-sexual relationship in which she felt she didn't really measure up even in the most nominal, "normal" sexual act. In fact, I'm only the second man she's ever been with and she's in her late 40s.

Therefore, all of this is INCREDIBLY new for her...and for the first time she saiys she really feels sexy and desireble. However, as stated above, being a sub and doing all of these things is VERY, VERY new to her....she didn't even know this type of thing really existed.

We have only been together as a D/s couple for about four months.

Maybe I'm just letting my concern for her make me want to chuck this all in. I told her this morning about some of the replies...that they are encouraging her...and by extension, me....to continue on with our growth. She seemed very happy that I was willing to continue on and for her to learn more.

I think I will take some of the sub's advice on here and get her to sign up and read and share.

Thanks

quote:

ORIGINAL: StrictDomCpl

Frist off would like to ask a question, Has she had a previous relationship where she was abused in some way, If so there can be and uncoucious problem here and she is the only one that can work through this, But you still need to be there for her when she just needs to talk, and your support, Believe me if this a problem she will get through it. I had a similar problem when i first came into the lifestyle, but not backing away and the love of a good Master can be a wonderful thing.

(in reply to StrictDomCpl)

Post #: 14

RE: Need Input From subs... - 7/24/2006 1:00:59 PM

hisforever

Posts: 81
Joined: 7/8/2006
Status: offline

thats great! I think she will benifit from these boards, they offer a lot of support! I am glad you two are looking up. D/s is not easy, it takes a lot of research and work, but it is soooo worth it!!!

(in reply to HerTexasBoss)

Post #: 15

RE: Need Input From subs... - 7/24/2006 1:02:35 PM

babysburnin

Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

Fantasy versus reality... reality brings out emotion...and growth. It IS weird to play out these fantasies at first - so much conditioning to undo, especially since she is starting later than earlier. Sounds to me like you are caring and sensitive...Maybe take it easy on her first. Instead of causing ALOT of pain...play with it sensually...and build up.

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to HerTexasBoss)

Post #: 16

RE: Need Input From subs... - 7/24/2006 1:03:50 PM

SenseofBelonging

Posts: 69
Joined: 10/20/2005
Status: offline

one thing that struck me about Your post is that You say she rarely uses Her safe word. in my humble opinion, if she really did want You to stop, she would use the safe word. i think You should speak with her outside of a scene/scenario and tell her in no uncertain terms that You will not stop what she is obviously enjoying unless and until she uses the safe word. this gives her "permission" to act out whatever is going on mentally and may allow Y/you both to get to the real issues.

(in reply to HerTexasBoss)

Post #: 17

RE: Need Input From subs... - 7/24/2006 3:22:23 PM

caitlyn

Posts: 3473
Joined: 12/22/2004
Status: offline

Sex, love and S&M don't always have such defined linkage.

Sex and love can go together, but don't have to. I love my foster parents, but don't have sex with either one.

Sex and S&M can go together, but don't have to. You read all the time about play parties with S&M but no sex.

Love and S&M can go together, but don't have to . Lots of people play with casual partners whom they don't love.

I bet you are wondering where this is going.

Well, with you partner, could it possibly that your sex and S&M go together, since that makes her so hot ... but that love isn't and shouldn't really be connected?

I mean, it seems like you would love her without the S&M and vice versa ... so why make that connection? If you can love her without connecting S&M, that means you can practice S&M without attaching love ... and just leave it as a something linked to sexual activity.

(in reply to HerTexasBoss)

Post #: 18

RE: Need Input From subs... - 7/24/2006 4:23:35 PM

BillsGalSusan

Posts: 69
Joined: 7/18/2006
Status: offline

I had a similar reaction to anal sex. The thing that worked for us was going very, very slowly. It wasn't the physical part, fear, or pain, but, rather, what it felt like to me to enjoy something so taboo. It took almost three years before I let the last of those feelings go, and we got there incrementally, with teeny tiny steps. But we did get there, and whilst three years might seem silly to many people, it didn't to either of us, and in the grand scheme of things, given how long we have now been together, it wasn't all that long to wait.

There were, after all, other things we could do and enjoy that didn't push that particular button.

Another Susan

(in reply to caitlyn)

Post #: 19

RE: Need Input From subs... - 7/24/2006 6:00:37 PM

babysburnin

Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BillsGalSusan

what it felt like to me to enjoy something so taboo.

It just cracks me up..."Taboo". I'll get on my "high horse"...Nothing is taboo. If the thought that "it" makes it good, then....yes! Pervs go back since FOREVER. Don't feel guilty for having pervy thoughts....

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to BillsGalSusan)

Post #: 20

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