RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (Full Version)

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sweetnurseBBW -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 12:36:21 AM)

Well for me personally I have loved all my Master/Mistresses. Its hard for me to have this kind of intense relationship and not love. There is nothing wrong with loving your dominant. It doesn't take away from your "focus". Its perfectly natural to love your dominant, no matter what your situation.



DixieBellle -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 12:38:53 AM)

I can never understand how you can even attempt to give all yourself in service to someone you dont love.



SavageEu -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 12:45:05 AM)

Well as Estring said, if it is just for play and that is understood I could see it being fun and satisfying but her Master should not expect her to give her all I think. But yes, giving your all in service would be a tough thing to seperate from attachment and love. But then there are people who can detach like that. For me I wouldn't know how to begin to not love a Pet. 



popeye1250 -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 12:45:22 AM)

And whats wrong with falling in love with your Dom or Master? Or falling in love with your sub or slave?
I know many people in the lifestyle who are Collared and married to their Masters/Mistresses and have been for years and years.One couple for 36 years.
Some of them were Collared first and then decided to be married. Some married first before they discovered the lifestyle.
Why not be able to have the best of both worlds?
Would you want to be Collared to someone you "only liked" or "didn't like?" That doesn't make sense! Not to me anyway.
To me if you fall in love with your sub or slave and they with you that would be a wonderfull thing!
To find a sub who would be my Collared slave AND be in love with her and her with me would be like hitting the lottery.
That's when you start talking about marriage.
Not knowing this person I really can only conjecture about his motive for this. Is he looking for a short term sub, more than one sub, poly?
And there's the other side of the coin; what do you want?
Sounds to me like you two need to talk.



mons -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 12:59:49 AM)

moreplease
 
dear i must tell you run not walk away from this man anyone who tells  you to you face not to fall in love with him is not worth your tender feeling it will only break  your heart. Your like me when was fell in love with a male who was dominant he was so kind at first but once he had my heart i was nothing to him nothing but a picece of meat it hurt me so to see how he had changed, oh yes doms are not to fall in love with their slave or submissive bu they train you to love them and care for them. he is saying this because i do believe he is scare of losing control of himself. i gave the best gift i could to this man a son who he will not and does not want to see. do not fall for that shit he say this to make you want to try your best to fight for him to love you.
 
now there are so many wonderful doms and master who know and are not scare to love the person do not let this man collar you loving youself is most important then anything i learn this and understand i am more then anyone male please think of what i said you have so much to give to another dom and he will love and cherise you so much a loveless match is just that aafter a time you will grow to hate him it would not be fair to you to him
 
take care
mons



ExSteelAgain -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 2:14:09 AM)

The net effect of what he is doing is making you desire him more by saying don’t fall in love with him, plus setting the groundwork for being able to do anything he wants later in the relationship. Once you play for awhile, he will start pulling away, creating an even stronger pull for you. The ultimate attraction will be created when he reminds you of what he told you about not falling in love with him and then stops seeing you. You will be one of the subs he can call upon anytime and use casually. Of course you know all this and will do it anyway.



twicehappy -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 5:39:06 AM)

My first question would be are both the vanilla spouse aware and accepting of this D/s relationship?

My second question would be how this Dom expects to collar you and you to have no feelings for him.

My main statement from the comments you made in the OP is Big Red Flags. Sounds like you are setting yourself up for a fall. Personally i have only, could only, be collared by someone i loved.

ExSteel excellant post, this one i have seen before and again i say Big Red Flags.



KatyLied -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 5:50:04 AM)

(fast reply)

I think there can be wonderful relationships and collarings that reside outside of love.  Love is different for different people.  One person's great affection may equate to another person's love.  Love has not been easy for me to find.  I can submit to someone whom I feel great affection for, but I don't need to be in love in order to do it and in order to do it properly.  Perhaps her Dom understands that this will never be a love relationship for him and he wants to be clear with her at the onset, in order to help her deal with the situation.  Continuing the relationship is something she will have to decide, and maybe she will wrestle with it.  But his honesty is better than a situation where he would be leading her on and she would be hoping for something that will not ever be.



eroticangel -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 5:54:55 AM)

i think only you can answer...only you know if you can submit to Him without the love. i know for me it is about impossible to give totally to someone i don't care for...someone i don't love...



amoretta -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 6:07:30 AM)

Okay.. I think perhaps I can offer a different point of view. Is anyone here familiar with the International Master/slave contest? It is a leather contest that is meant to find different forms of relationships that are healthy and a wonderful representation of our lifestyle. Each year a different and unique couple is chosen and spends that year serving our community by traveling and doing seminars at different organizations, etc.

(http://www.southplainsleatherfest.com/)

Anyway, a former winning couple who I have been lucky enough to spend time with is a gay male master and a lesbian female slave. There is mutual respect, admiration, etc. and let me be very clear.. this is not a relationship based on sex, physical play, etc. This is a deeply meaningful relationship but they are not in love in the same way a gay or heterosexual couple may be..

I would like to offer to everyone who says he is a jerk and only wanting physical play, and to those that say its impossible that perhaps he wants a deep and meaningful bond of a service dominant and submissive that includes play and emotional exchange of energy.. but does not want to interfere with the deep loving relationships you two already have in your marriages. I do hope that it is something along these lines instead of the more shallow motivations others seem to believe he wants in this post.

As to how you do that? Well for this I am not sure, that depends on you and what works for you. I do not know you can stop it if it is a natural progression for you but I think that you can love him as your Master, your guide, your mentor without loving him as your lover, partner or boyfriend.



Sunshine119 -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 6:38:51 AM)

moreplease,

There have been some excellent points made in this thread already, but I think there are several things you need to think out carefully.  You say that you are both in vanilla relationships.  You don't say if either spouse knows of your other relationship.  When you look into your heart, are you happy with your vanilla relationship, committed to it and want (with all your heart) for it to continue?  Or are you looking to fall in love with your Dom and for him to become the center of your existence?

Equally as important are his answers to these questions.  I think that his warning to you not to fall in love with him, is one way of saying that he is not leaving his vanilla relationship behind, nor does he want anyone interfering with it.  He doesn't want to be 24/7 EVER.  He seems to like what he has.  He doesn't want you to fall in love, beg him to leave his wife for you or have you mess up his marriage by calling his wife, etc.

Now, you may want the same thing on your end.  I don't know.  And, while Julia said that most responders on these threads have been very negative about being in a relationship that involves non-consensual spouses (and I fully agree with her), if all you want is to be his forever, on the side, hidden slave.....go for it.

Just remember he has already told you not to mess with his marriage, don't fall in love with him, just be around for him to play with when HE wants to play.  Don't ever expect anything from him.

If you love your spouse and don't want your marriage to end, who knows, your spouse may have dominant proclivities and just need the information necessary to become the Dominant you desire most.  If your marriage sucks, you want out and you want more from your partner (which also satisfies your need for domination), start searching the profiles here, participate on the message boards and work to end your marriage or get honest with your spouse.

There are many Dominant men on here who are dearly looking for a submissive who would love them and who they could love back.  It isn't uncommon.  There aren't alot of dominant men on this site that are willing to do anything but "play" with someone who is married because they aren't going to risk their hearts on someone who can't be "forever" with them.





LiliesDoGrow -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 6:55:48 AM)

Hello Moreplease.

My thought is that if you're both married, with no intention of leaving your spouses, and you're okay with having a partner to supply your physical/emotional needs, then it would most likely be detrimental to all involved, (including the spouses and any children of these marriages,) if you two bonded on a deeper loving level.

On the other hand, I bristle a bit when someone makes a blanket statement to another requesting that they "not fall in love with them." To me, that denotes someone who assumes that they are so fricking fantastic of a human that you will automatically be swept away by their mere presence.  A bit arrogant and presumptious.  I'd say, if you're getting what you need from this man, be just as distant emotionally as he wishes to be. Look at this like a business arrangement with welts involved.

Then again, that's not so much unlike the real business world.

Anyway, good luck to you. Hope you don't get hurt.

Lily.



stanton -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 7:05:19 AM)

Believe him! At least he is honest.
He'll to hurt you.
Can you park your heart in the car -heart-lot?
NO?
RUN!!!  



pissdoll -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 7:05:33 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunshine119

I think that his warning to you not to fall in love with him, is one way of saying that he is not leaving his vanilla relationship behind, nor does he want anyone interfering with it.  He doesn't want to be 24/7 EVER.  He seems to like what he has.  He doesn't want you to fall in love, beg him to leave his wife for you or have you mess up his marriage by calling his wife, etc.



that was my exact take on reading her post.

"don't fall in love with me" means he's not going to leave his wife no matter what transpires between them.



CreativeDominant -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 7:19:51 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: moreplease

i did a few searches about this topic on the boards, and couldn't really find the topic i am looking for.
i am currently 'under consideration' by a Dom.  W/we have met a few times and are slowly starting to lay the groundwork for a possible collared situation someday. 
The last time W/we were together, He had a serious talk with me about keeping focused, as in, focused on this D/s relationship.  i didn't understand what He meant, and then He explained that basically He was saying to make sure that i don't fall in love.  
The thing is, i am a fairly intense person, i tend to have pretty intense relationships with people.  i have almost a dozen friends who say 'i love you' to me and who i return that to...and mean it.  And i really am not looking to fall 'in love' with anyone. 
 
i might also add that we are both married to mostly 'vanilla' spouses.  That's an important point, too.
(i don't know if that is 'taboo' on these boards)

What is also confusing me is that i would think there would have to be a certain amount of mutual 'adoration' in any D/s relationship...for that level of trust and devotion that i yearn to achieve, anyway. 
How will i know if my 'adoration' crosses that line? 
How do i stop it from happening?
i know right now everything is very new for me, but i know that the two times that He has slipped His 'play' collar around my neck, it was just like i was floating. 
And when He was using me, hurting me, and asking if i wanted more, i really did want more, for Him, because i knew it was bringing him pleasure. 
Any comments or thoughts on the matter are appreciated.
 


Great question, though a difficult one to answer. 

Like others, I would want to know whether or not your spouses know and if they do, are they O.K. with it?  If they are well-aware, then both you and he are starting out from a point of honesty with your spouses.  If not, then there's going to be feelings hurt eventually and you surely must know that.

With all that being said, I have to look at it this way:  It is difficult to be in a dominant/submissive relationship...especially one where collaring takes place...and not have that level of trust and intimacy that leads to feelings of love.  That is fine...you note that you have friends that say "I love you" and that you say the same thing to them and it is understood that "loving" someone is not the same as "being in love" with them.  While a D/s collared relationship is by its very nature a much more complicated relationship than a typical friendship, it is also supposed to be a very adult relationship with communication and honesty being two of the foundational bricks it is built on. 

To me, it sounds as if he is trying to communicate his honest feelings:  Don't fall "in love" with me...love me...but don't be in love.  You state that you think there would have to be a certain amount of "adoration" involved for you to achieve the level of trust and intimacy you desire in a collared relationship.  You CAN adore someone without being "in love" with them.

Now, it might be true...as some have noted...that this dominant only wants to play around but to do so with one only and wants to make sure you're playing with one (besides your husband) only.  You're falling in love with him could mess up what he has at home, whether or not his wife knows.  Perhaps one of the reasons he got "permission" from his spouse to get involved in D/s with someone else was a promise to her that it would not become a messy situation that was threatening to their relationship...so he is telling you, in his way, that he wants nothing that will interfere with that relationship (though it might be better if he used just those words).  You're falling in love with him could mess up your situation at home and he doesn't want to deal with that mess either.  Difficult to say since not all of this situation is known.  But, as someone else noted, perhaps he does want a loving, giving-and-taking D/s relationship where the boundaries are known from the outset.

How will you know if your adoration crosses the line?  In your clearer, quieter moments when you are supposed to be "focused".  Focus can mean many things...for you, in this situation, I would take it to also mean that you need to constantly examine your inner feelings and be honest with yourself about where and what they are.

MOO, YMMV



KennelDeSade2 -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 7:28:38 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SavageEu
Wow, another, more disturbing perspective. Its hard to tell with only one side of the story, but that possibility.. is a wee bit frightening. And I consider myself a sadist.. though I only do it to those that want it so maybe thats why I did not see that view point. Well mostly those that want it.


Others say they consider me a sadist, I like to tell people I meet that I'm nearly vanilla and should be considered something like training wheels and a requirement for BDSM beginners.  Really.  Trust me.  Really!

OK, I will admit that not every single guy who has ever use that line had that intent.  But the ones who use it and mean it like they lay it out, could well be worse, since they don't have a very good grip on reality.

When I think of objectification, I've always wondered how anybody could not love and treasure one who is giving so much in the name of being yours.  But, maybe I'm just sick and twisted like that.



Lashra -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 7:29:59 AM)

I think he is basically saying Look we are both married to other people, let's stay focused on the play part and forget falling in love. He just doesn't want you to fall in love with him and perhaps you get the idea that you will both be together forever one day. It sounds like a play only relationship that will not go beyond that. Sure you should have friendship and a mutual respect for each other, even adoration, but not love.

But just be sure that is the type of relationship that you want and can handle. These things have a way of becoming complicated even after the best of planning.

Good luck,

~Lashra



heartfeltsub -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 8:57:44 AM)

In the first BDSM relationship that i was involved in, immediately after my divorce, the Dom said the same thing to me. He was separated from His wife and they were working on reconciling. It did not mean that He was going to hurt me and did not hurt me, He helped me to grow a great deal and due to the fact that i was just  getting over a divorce after being married for 23 years, i didn't want a relationship that involved my heart. i respected Him, and He respected me, W/we like each other as people and both got W/we needed out of O/our time together, but W/we didn't love each other. It was not what either of U/us was looking for at the time. There is nothing wrong with that unless both people are not in the same place.

Eventually as i healed from the divorce and things with His wife got better W/we did split (i asked to be released) because i was now in a place where i wanted a relationship that did involve my heart.

my point is just because someone makes that statement does not make that person a player or someone who is out to hurt another person.



Mavis -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 9:02:08 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunshine119  (sliced up to save posting space)

moreplease,

Or are you looking to fall in love with your Dom and for him to become the center of your existence?

He doesn't want to be 24/7 EVER.  He seems to like what he has.  He doesn't want you to fall in love, beg him to leave his wife for you or have you mess up his marriage by calling his wife, etc.

Just remember he has already told you not to mess with his marriage, don't fall in love with him, just be around for him to play with when HE wants to play.  Don't ever expect anything from him.

If you love your spouse and don't want your marriage to end, who knows, your spouse may have dominant proclivities and just need the information necessary to become the Dominant you desire most.  If your marriage sucks, you want out and you want more from your partner (which also satisfies your need for domination), start searching the profiles here, participate on the message boards and work to end your marriage or get honest with your spouse.

There are many Dominant men on here who are dearly looking for a submissive who would love them and who they could love back.  It isn't uncommon.  There aren't alot of dominant men on this site that are willing to do anything but "play" with someone who is married because they aren't going to risk their hearts on someone who can't be "forever" with them.


Sunshine, that was a really great post. 



agirl -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 9:44:50 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra

I think he is basically saying Look we are both married to other people, let's stay focused on the play part and forget falling in love. He just doesn't want you to fall in love with him and perhaps you get the idea that you will both be together forever one day. It sounds like a play only relationship that will not go beyond that. Sure you should have friendship and a mutual respect for each other, even adoration, but not love.

But just be sure that is the type of relationship that you want and can handle. These things have a way of becoming complicated even after the best of planning.

Good luck,

~Lashra


I read the post and had the same thoughts.

Worthwhile and fulfilling relationships do not have to begin and end with the word *love*.

His mentioning *love* is likely his perception of what *love might mean or bring*.

If you're both married in vanilla-type relationships, then having a D/s relationship between you both will still be rather unique.....it will be *different* from what you both have at home. You'll relate to each other differently and expect different things from your *at home* relationships. It will have limitations in the *forever together* sense but if neither of you expect that, you can still have something worthwhile.

The difficulty might be that it's a lot easier to grasp that, when you haven't YET formed a deep attachment....and he may very well be being fair enough to let you know right at the very beginning that * this is how it will be, all it will be*. I don't think it means he won't care for you, it means there are limits to it.

Lashra mentioned being sure that you can handle this type of relationship.....I'd just add that I think it's quite difficult to know whether you actually can until the real attachment begins.

With regards, agirl




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