RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom

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ClassAct2006 -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 9:51:20 AM)
I wouldn't go out with someone who didn't want ideally to settle down with one woman (submissive woman). I don't need them to pledge matrimony before I go on a date but I always sound out if they have a similar life aim and are basically monogamous etc but then I'm little miss conventionality really, despite being submissive. If you just want to play around with someone what he said is fine. How he thinks you can stop yourself falling in love is another matter. What he's really saying is there is no long term hope in this and you'll get very hurt if you take it more seriously than I do.

crouchingtigress -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 10:27:34 AM)
Two thoughts : Have you met in person yet...? If so you already know if you have the capacity to be in love with him or not in the first 4 minutes. "Research has shown this has little to do with what is said, rather 55% is through body language 38% is the tone and speed of their voice Only 7% is through what they say " Are there going to be orgasms involved? before orgasms are involved even in the meeting stages your brain releases chemicals, adrenaline dopamine and seritonin. Adrenaline The initial stages of falling for someone activates your stress response, increasing your blood levels of adrenalin and cortisol. This has the charming effect that when you unexpectedly bump into your new love, you start to sweat, your heart races and your mouth goes dry. Dopamine Helen Fisher asked newly ‘love struck’ couples to have their brains examined and discovered they have high levels of the neurotransmitter dopamine. This chemical stimulates ‘desire and reward’ by triggering an intense rush of pleasure. It has the same effect on the brain as taking cocaine! Serotonin And finally, serotonin. One of love's most important chemicals that may explain why when you’re falling in love, your new lover keeps popping into your thoughts. And my guess if you are talking about "play" out side the marriage you are already flushing with these chemicals already... but the killer is Oxytocin - "The cuddle hormone"...if you have orgasms you will release this chemical and this is the one that deepens the feelings of attachment and create strong bonds.... No judgment (ok maybe sympathy a little for the poor saps at home) but just know what you are getting into...because i have never had any success telling myself who i should and should not fall in love with.

thetammyjo -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 10:30:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Estring I would think there is a good chance that you will "fall in love" with this Dom. He is already telling you that would be a bad idea. I think continuing with this relationship is a bad idea. I agree. I think that anyone who believes that they can dictate what another person (let alone their own) emotions will become over time is not living in reality. Find someone whose emotional beliefs about Ds and non-primary partners more closely mirrors your own, moreplease, and I think you will have greater success.

KnightofMists -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 10:43:50 AM)
ok... so you have spouses... and likely they don't know about it right? mmmmmmm this is really just an instinctive reaction to what you share. What I say is a rather general comment that has in my opinion a very high chanc of being applicable to your give situation. He is messing around on his wife!... He wants a play toy... your it... he just wants a toy... without emotional attachments! Emotional attachments will cross over into the relationship with his wife. I wouldn't be surprized that he loves his wife very much. You falling in love with him would make things messy for him. Also, he is telling you in a subtle way that he will not be open to loving you... again this will mess up the situation with his wife. He is rationalizing you as a play toy because he is not going to have any emotional attachment to you and therefore in his mind he is not betraying his wife's love. Problem his.. most women in a intimate relationship relate physical intimacy as an expression of the emotional attachment that exists. Truth is, it's very unlikely his wife would view his play toy as not being an expression of love. I think he is lying to his wife, to you and himself. As said this is only an instinctive reaction... it might not apply to you... but i the odds are high that it does.

sweetnsensual -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 10:47:20 AM)
i'll answer one of your questions to the best of my abilities. you asked about how to stop yourself from crossing that line. let's forget for a moment that i think all people--BDSMers and vanilla people alike--all tend to cross a line. or maybe that's just been my experiences. anyway, how to stop yourself. right now, there are things happening in my life concerning someone and i'm trying to stop myself from caring too much about that person. we started off our relationship as friends and even when i felt that my feelings were going beyond "friendship", i denied that and went on anyway because i truly liked the company of this person. here i am, down the road realizing that although our relationship has passed the point of friendship--not really sure what point we're at now, to tell the truth--and i'm still trying to pull the brakes on my feelings, trying to reign them in. honestly, it's not working at all. i don't know if it's just me (i'd like to think most people in the same situation would be feeling this way) but when i tell myself to knock it off, to stop feeling a certain way, it's like my emotions do their damnedest NOT to stop. so...there's a little insight on what could happen if you did try to stop yourself. because of your situation, i really really hope that it doesn't work out that way for you. especially since i'm not sure how your Dom would react if he were to find out your feelings for him went beyond his ideas.

foxglove716 -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 11:09:20 AM)
A dom telling you not to fall in love is trying to control something that is out of his control. This doesn't always make for a good dom.

IndigoDadesi -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 11:18:12 AM)
It sounds like this Dom is actually trying to tell you not to get attached. While he may want you to be techniquely attached via collar he doesnt want you to get emotionally attached since, although this may turn into a longterm arrangement, it will not become a permanent or fulltime relationship. Perhaps he thinks that if you are not in love with him you will not demand as much of his time. But this is just speculation. As for being in love. You cant control how you feel about someone, but you can control how and when you express it. At least if you try to see this relationship for what it is then if you do get your heart broken it wont come completely out of nowhere. Sorry, I know that sounds pesimistic and Im not trying to be or to say that you are going to get hurt. I just mean to keep things realistic, regardless of how you feel.

SexyRed -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 11:20:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain The net effect of what he is doing is making you desire him more by saying don’t fall in love with him, plus setting the groundwork for being able to do anything he wants later in the relationship. Once you play for awhile, he will start pulling away, creating an even stronger pull for you. The ultimate attraction will be created when he reminds you of what he told you about not falling in love with him and then stops seeing you. You will be one of the subs he can call upon anytime and use casually. Of course you know all this and will do it anyway. boy, do I agree with this post! anyone who evens utters the words "Do not fall in love with me" is issuing a challenge and one that most, if not all, women will take. It is a recipe for disaster. On top it all, they are both married, so he in particular, may already have the "love" he needs in his life and is simply wanting a casual thing. Plus, no one can stop feelings from developing, no matter how hard you try. Just as you cannot make yourself fall in love with someone.

popeye1250 -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 11:39:04 AM)
SexyRed, yup, an accident looking for a place to happen. You just "know" there's going to be a Train Wreck with this one!

Wickad -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 12:33:50 PM)
Wow all this negative advice based on one person's second hand rendition of what someone said - lol. I think it comes down to knowing what you want. If you want a love match then this is probably not the best person for you to be with. However, if you are looking for a play relationship that is based on mutual needs and respect.... then maybe this is the one for you. I'm sure further negotiations will tell. Having someone love you is a big responsibility. It took me a while to realize that I was not responsible for how someone felt about me. I was responsible for trying to ensure that if the relationship did not work out that I was as .... easy.... on them as possible. I made sure that they had folks to talk to. I took the blame for things that might have not been my fault if it helped them. On the other side, I have loved people who didn't return my affection. It was hard but they were also experiences that I am glad I followed through with. I don't regret any of them. I believe that a slave/submissive has to 'love' their Dominant to some degree. I also believe that the Dominant will find their control compromised if they 'romantically love' they slave/submissive. A bit of a catch-22 but that is my opinion. I wish the OP luck with her search - be it this one, or another. Wickad PS - don't listen to anyone, even me, on these forums - you know what you need to do, so do it.

moreplease -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 12:47:27 PM)
quote: PS - don't listen to anyone, even me, on these forums - you know what you need to do, so do it. LOL...i appreciate that, and i know that i will find my own answer. i just wanted to pick the collective brains of the fine people on here, and boy, did i. i have thought about both the negative and positive responses and see many different points of view here, which is exactly what i was hoping for. Thank Y/you all so much...

akisha -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 12:51:11 PM)
Personally i agree with the "Don't fall in love" rule if you are both married and the possibility of having a life together as a couple is not going to happen. I have told men the exact same thing myself actually. If it is a relationship that you both entered into knowing that you are not going to be a "forever" thing then set the boundries as they need to be set. I seem to have a tendancy to play with attatched partners. Yes the significant other is always aware, but i have no desire to break up their relationship so I know right off that falling in love with my playmate is not a good idea. Yes I care for them, and i might even love them but I will not let myself "fall in love" with them. Falling in love to me means the fantasizing of a future together. The thing for me is though, is that i would never collar to someone that i know i could never have as my own. Not to mean I would not collar to someone that has a wife, but that i would not collar to someone that has a wife that would not be open to having me as a full fledge memeber of the family.

MIslostsoul -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 1:00:26 PM)
my Master and i just had this discussion this weekend. I was in a bad place in my head and needed his attention in a very bad way. So i did something that i knew would get me that but for all the wrong reasons. We discussed jealously which was not the problem. The problem is that i need to be close to him on a phyiscal and spiritual level. I need to be able to serve him in every way. He asked if i was in Love with him i told him yes and He was shocked. He told me that he has been through much and would not open his Heart for some time he does care for me but can not return my love. It hurt but i understand and accept it. Now it is up to me to give him time and keep serving so that he know just how much i love him and he can trust his heart to me.

lilsubl -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 1:41:22 PM)
i have gone through some emotional ups & downs with regard to the idea that Master doesn't "love" me...i had thought my whole life that "unrequited love" would be something unbearable...i have stepped back & come back to Him a couple of times & i have grown so much in this relationship, so much more than in any other i've had...it truly is an adult relationship...i've accepted the fact that He will care for me, He will cherish me, He will protect me, He will always do what is best & never harm me...what more could i want?? lilss linea

diamonddreamlove -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 1:43:26 PM)
Married to vanilla and so is my favorite Dom. We can love each other and it not be the same as the love for our spouses. Or we can play together and never advance to the level of respect and trust that deepens the whole D/s relationship. Perhaps clarifying what love is to each of you would help. My favorite Dom will not be leaving His wife and unless my husband (who is aware of my actitivites) wants to divorce their will not be one for me either. In either event i would leave if i was told i could not love someone for love is part of who i am and the relationship will always be superficial for me unless i have some feeling on the continuum of like to love.

slavejlb -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 1:46:59 PM)
Greetings i am going to have agree with many of the posting here. This is a man you are going to serve in all ways including the most senual ways. with your body, and your mind. there is one thing is that love comes on many levels. caring, giving, and sharing one feelings thoughts, desires. do i love my Masters present and past, yes, The screw up came when they fell in love with me, then instead of a D/s they become more protective, and boundries got cross to where it cause confusion in our lifes. i hope this has help some take care and be safe slave jlb

enthralled -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 2:02:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: akisha Personally i agree with the "Don't fall in love" rule if you are both married and the possibility of having a life together as a couple is not going to happen. I have told men the exact same thing myself actually. If it is a relationship that you both entered into knowing that you are not going to be a "forever" thing then set the boundries as they need to be set. I seem to have a tendancy to play with attatched partners. Yes the significant other is always aware, but i have no desire to break up their relationship so I know right off that falling in love with my playmate is not a good idea. Yes I care for them, and i might even love them but I will not let myself "fall in love" with them. Falling in love to me means the fantasizing of a future together. The thing for me is though, is that i would never collar to someone that i know i could never have as my own. Not to mean I would not collar to someone that has a wife, but that i would not collar to someone that has a wife that would not be open to having me as a full fledge memeber of the family. I agree with akisha. If neither of you are planning to leave your spouses, then I think it's very fair to set these ground rules. If you're content with someone that you'll more-than-likely not be able to fully belong to, be with, or share your life with (considering you are attached), then being 'in love' shouldn't be a deciding factor... that's only my opinion though. After all ... he said he didnt want you to fall 'in love' with him, that doesnt mean you cant 'love' him.......there's a difference between loving someone, and being 'IN love' with someone. ~enthralled

Homestead -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 2:06:57 PM)
Respecting bondaries in polyamory is very important. Love has nothing to do with that, and personal integrity, everything. If love makes you an unethical person, it is not a good thing.

LotusSong -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 3:07:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: moreplease iThe last time W/we were together, He had a serious talk with me about keeping focused, as in, focused on this D/s relationship. i didn't understand what He meant, and then He explained that basically He was saying to make sure that i don't fall in love. The thing is, i am a fairly intense person, i tend to have pretty intense relationships with people. i have almost a dozen friends who say 'i love you' to me and who i return that to...and mean it. And i really am not looking to fall 'in love' with anyone. i might also add that we are both married to mostly 'vanilla' spouses. That's an important point, too. (i don't know if that is 'taboo' on these boards) What is also confusing me is that i would think there would have to be a certain amount of mutual 'adoration' in any D/s relationship...for that level of trust and devotion that i yearn to achieve, anyway. How will i know if my 'adoration' crosses that line? How do i stop it from happening? i know right now everything is very new for me, but i know that the two times that He has slipped His 'play' collar around my neck, it was just like i was floating. And when He was using me, hurting me, and asking if i wanted more, i really did want more, for Him, because i knew it was bringing him pleasure. Any comments or thoughts on the matter are appreciated. This is a topic I know well. My slave and I are both married (not to each other.) The ONLY thing that bought us together is the D/s thought a bizarre burp in our time line. I thinik what your Dom was trying to tell you is to keep your perspective. He's married and may have a lot to to loose. In our begining, Slave and I set down some precise deal-breaker situatuions. A line that, if it ever was crossed would immediately break all ties. This has worked well for us. Because we love each other but are not IN love with each other. That is a very fine line. To me this means: IN love becomes the desire to be with that person 24/7.. Loving the person is wanting what is best for them no matter. We expect nothing more from each other than the deep friendship coupled with our D/s dynamic. And really, D/s is transient. Like any realtionship it starts out hot and heavy because it is new but it will evolve. The Truth of a relationship in this is what is left when the D/s is slowed or gone. Would you have liked him even if D/s never entered the picture?

Sunshine119 -> RE: Don't fall in love with your Dom (7/25/2006 3:25:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress Are there going to be orgasms involved? before orgasms are involved even in the meeting stages your brain releases chemicals, adrenaline dopamine and seritonin. Adrenaline The initial stages of falling for someone activates your stress response, increasing your blood levels of adrenalin and cortisol. This has the charming effect that when you unexpectedly bump into your new love, you start to sweat, your heart races and your mouth goes dry. Dopamine Helen Fisher asked newly ‘love struck’ couples to have their brains examined and discovered they have high levels of the neurotransmitter dopamine. This chemical stimulates ‘desire and reward’ by triggering an intense rush of pleasure. It has the same effect on the brain as taking cocaine! Serotonin And finally, serotonin. One of love's most important chemicals that may explain why when you’re falling in love, your new lover keeps popping into your thoughts. And my guess if you are talking about "play" out side the marriage you are already flushing with these chemicals already... but the killer is Oxytocin - "The cuddle hormone"...if you have orgasms you will release this chemical and this is the one that deepens the feelings of attachment and create strong bonds.... No judgment (ok maybe sympathy a little for the poor saps at home) but just know what you are getting into...because i have never had any success telling myself who i should and should not fall in love with. Tigress, Did you know they did brain scans on people who were having sex? Interestingly enough, women having sex created oxytocin and the area of the brain that is associated with love showed an increase in activity. In the brains of men, however, pure adreniline was created and nothing more than the primal regions of the brain were activated. The conclusions of the study indicated that women will almost surely fall in love with a man if she reaches an orgasm with him enough times. A man, reaching orgasm the same amount of times with the same woman will not be "programmed" in the same way to love her. My guess is that it is natures way of bonding a woman to the father of her child (Old instincts die hard). Now....any more cake?

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