RE: Newbies self identifying as painsluts

RE: Newbies self identifying as painsluts (Full Version)

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catize -> RE: Newbies self identifying as painsluts (7/26/2006 1:20:45 PM)
quote: Being a good little sadistic dominant, I went to work on her...both from the dominant side and the sadistic side. She handled it very well...until the next morning...when she went in the bathroom and looked at the welts on her ass. That is when she came back into the bathroom and told me that she "could not believe that someone that professed to know what they were doing and who 'supposedly' cared about the submissive's well-being could do this to her... A dominant I knew had a similar experience. When we were first talking/getting to know each other, he repeatedly asked me how I would react if I was bruised or welted. He went so far as to include it in the contract, a sentence stating that the submissive accepted the fact that bruises may be a result of consensual activities and would not be regarded as abuse.

OsideGirl -> RE: Newbies self identifying as painsluts (7/26/2006 1:30:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant I went to meet with a submissive one time who told me she was a pain slut. I did all the things that dominants are supposed to do...had her fill out a list, had her describe the type of markings she liked, had her describe some of the experiences she had, etc. Being a good little sadistic dominant, I went to work on her...both from the dominant side and the sadistic side. She handled it very well...until the next morning...when she went in the bathroom and looked at the welts on her ass. That is when she came back into the bathroom and told me that she "could not believe that someone that professed to know what they were doing and who 'supposedly' cared about the submissive's well-being could do this to her...and "Oh, by the way, you've got 10 minutes to get out of my apartment before I call the cops and show them what you've done to me." I found out later that the submissive...besides having some mental/emotional issues...had literally no experience. I found this out from another submissive I played with about 6 months later who, until she and I hooked up, had no idea who the 'big, bad dominant-wanna-be' was that had "beat up" her 'newbie' friend. Sometimes...the dominant is doing what he's supposed to...but if he's being lied to by someone who's too embarassed to admit their newness and too stoic to say something and whose responses indicate enjoyment rather than dissatisfaction/discomfort...what should he do then? Master had a similar experience with his ex-submissive. She was experienced and Master is known as a hardcore sadist. She knew this, she had observed some of his scenes prior to them being together. They had been dating for about one month when she told him that she wanted to be "pushed". After talking it out, they came to an agreement and he gave her a safeword, which she never used. She never gave any indication of distress. (I was actually present at the scene and can vouch for this.) The next day she told everyone she could find that he had been abusive and had gone past her limits. The day after that she went around trying to retract those statements. In the end, it came out that she had done that as a ploy to get the attention of her ex-Dom. And the thing is.....it can be really hard to tell, who is going to do the "I'm a psycho" routine.

PlayfulOne -> RE: Newbies self identifying as painsluts (7/26/2006 1:35:27 PM)
fast reply For me I take everything personally and it does not matter what the submissive might or might not have done. I as the Dominant am in charge so I take resposibility for anything that goes wrong no matter how it happened. That is why I generally scene with someone at least 2 or 3 times before anything gets really heavy. I want to learn them, to study how they respond and react, not what they might tell me. I have never had a bad experience (knock on wood), but I have learned in those first couple of meetings that some have fluffed up certain things or their definition of "pain" might differ from mine in certain areas. K

MrRodgers -> RE: Newbies self identifying as painsluts (7/26/2006 3:08:55 PM)
Yes, not smart to make such a claim when she really would have no idea being new. Wouldn't happen here and shouldn't have happened even with our subject sadist. No one should take/send the uninitiated playmate to such extremes in a first scene...even those masochists claiming to be a 'real' painslut. Caution always reigns...always. For anyone to take this young lady so far so early or quickly is unecessary and in fact wrong. We should always err on the side of being safe...always.

mistoferin -> RE: Newbies self identifying as painsluts (7/26/2006 9:11:47 PM)
Well I spent about 45 minutes on the phone tonight with this girl. I sure hope you are all sitting down.... Turns out the Dom is a newbie too. The cane that was used for the caning...and you're gonna love this....was a walking cane! She didn't safe word because A) she was embarassed, B)she didn't want to appear wimpy after she had told him she could take it....and C) because she wasn't sure if things actually were going wrong or if maybe this was how it was supposed to be. I asked her what the Dom is saying and thinking now in hindsight. Well......she doesn't know...because she is not answering his calls. She hasn't said one word to him about her feelings on the matter and as far as she knows, he still thinks it all went well. Common sense folks....it's free....please use it.

ChainedExistence -> RE: Newbies self identifying as painsluts (7/26/2006 9:33:48 PM)
Playful, your post was exactly what I was mentioning to my Master today. While everyone seemed so ready to jump on the newbie for claiming she was a painslut, not safewording, etc, I wondered about a Dom that would play that hard with someone new- didn't he have any sense of responsibility? Of course, now seeing the post that the Dom was new also explains a lot. New submissives don't have any idea what their pain tolerances are, and even if they think they have some idea, the tolerance can differ wildly from one toy to another. Someone might tolerate a hard flogging for an hour and never flinch, but then nearly freak out over a few whacks with a cane. When I was new, I tended to err on the side of thinking I was a wimp, which was probably safer for me in the long run. I can't imagine starting with a cane! I can understand how a frenzied sub can get carried away away though, and think this is what she is " supposed to" do, but a Dom should have enough wits about him to not jump immediately into heavy play with a new sub.

gardenbluebird -> RE: Newbies self identifying as painsluts (7/26/2006 9:44:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mistoferin Well I spent about 45 minutes on the phone tonight with this girl. I sure hope you are all sitting down.... Turns out the Dom is a newbie too. The cane that was used for the caning...and you're gonna love this....was a walking cane! She didn't safe word because A) she was embarassed, B)she didn't want to appear wimpy after she had told him she could take it....and C) because she wasn't sure if things actually were going wrong or if maybe this was how it was supposed to be. I asked her what the Dom is saying and thinking now in hindsight. Well......she doesn't know...because she is not answering his calls. She hasn't said one word to him about her feelings on the matter and as far as she knows, he still thinks it all went well. Common sense folks....it's free....please use it. Talk about the blind leading the blind. Good grief! It sounds like neither one of them used good sense.

mistoferin -> RE: Newbies self identifying as painsluts (7/26/2006 9:51:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: gardenbluebird Talk about the blind leading the blind. Good grief! It sounds like neither one of them used good sense. Yup, you're right. But it happens all the time and it's not going to stop happening. You can try to share some of your wisdom with people...sometimes they will listen....sometimes they will fight you tooth and nail and try to pick apart every single thing you say....and sometimes they will just ignore every word of it. I wish I got some satisfaction out of saying I told you so...but I don't.

WhiplashGirlChld -> RE: Newbies self identifying as painsluts (7/26/2006 10:08:29 PM)
I think we call some of this "low-bottom snobbery" - so inherent to this realm is the need to prove what a big 'ol bad ass you are. Part of the reason I don't do lifestyle 24/7. I am not much of a bad ass, and, half the time, catching the sight of myself in flagrante makes me just fall over laughing. As in many things, it is a problem when we take what we are doing too seriously, and when we don't take it seriously enough. If it isn't fun, why do it? Really, if that delicious little muffin of a sub is not feeling utter joy, why would I bother? I'd rather go wait on line at the DMV.

SavageEu -> RE: Newbies self identifying as painsluts (7/26/2006 10:26:44 PM)
True, I have heard of people hanging onto something because they were 'supposed' to like it. Or perhaps they continued doing something that really didn't please them because 'its what you do'. I take being someones Dom very seriously, but at the same time I joke and play around. I think you make a good point though WhiplashGirlChld. If something is either not fun and not fufilling why waste the time on it. Plus, the whole fantasy of it might not match up with the reality. It is in the 'supposed' to like category. Sure imagining you're getting whipped gets you all hot and bothered but then the real thing is different and you think 'Well ok, so this is whats its really like, this is what I wanted so must be having fun.. OW!'

WhiplashGirlChld -> RE: Newbies self identifying as painsluts (7/26/2006 10:32:43 PM)
Reminds me of how many people report their first experience with anal sex to be. The loved the idea but in reality it hurt like hell. Now finally it seems people are speaking about it openly enough to say there's apleasurable way to do it. Well, there's a pleasureable way to do pain, D/s and restraint too. (Many in fact.) As in most things it seems, communication, honesty, trust and freedom from shame seem to be the best ways to get at what works. Here's a hint - if you don't trust your Dom to treat you with respect if you use a safeword, what the heck are you doing with that person to begin with? Reminds me of a Lady friend who began to develop osteoarthritis in her 50's and during playtime with her Lord, they had to come up with a new safeword for "I think this might be damaging my joints." Didn't mean she didn't like it - just meant it was more than was appropriate for her physical well being.

CreativeDominant -> RE: Newbies self identifying as painsluts (7/27/2006 7:10:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: juliaoceania Then this submissive was being an ass CD, I think you did what you were supposed to. My point on edit is that I saw very little in the way of warning perspective dominants about this issue either, it isn't all about blame as far as the OP, but learning... at least I think there is a lot to learn on both sides of cane. Since we didn't see it we just don't know, there may be a lesson for eveyone.. Your story is a warning to doms too about how things can go wrong even when you do everything you are supposed to.. thanks for sharing it. You're welcome. I agree, she was being an ass and it is one reason I moved to the idea of backing off a bit on heavier play until I had played with someone several times OR had spent much more time talking to them.

CreativeDominant -> RE: Newbies self identifying as painsluts (7/27/2006 7:14:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: catize quote: Being a good little sadistic dominant, I went to work on her...both from the dominant side and the sadistic side. She handled it very well...until the next morning...when she went in the bathroom and looked at the welts on her ass. That is when she came back into the bathroom and told me that she "could not believe that someone that professed to know what they were doing and who 'supposedly' cared about the submissive's well-being could do this to her... A dominant I knew had a similar experience. When we were first talking/getting to know each other, he repeatedly asked me how I would react if I was bruised or welted. He went so far as to include it in the contract, a sentence stating that the submissive accepted the fact that bruises may be a result of consensual activities and would not be regarded as abuse. I've used contracts...still do. Had one with her. Yet, it is surprising how fast I got dressed and left when she mentioned the police... "Gimme three steps, gimme three steps sister, gimme three steps towards the door" Skynard

CreativeDominant -> RE: Newbies self identifying as painsluts (7/27/2006 7:18:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl quote: ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant I went to meet with a submissive one time who told me she was a pain slut. I did all the things that dominants are supposed to do...had her fill out a list, had her describe the type of markings she liked, had her describe some of the experiences she had, etc. Being a good little sadistic dominant, I went to work on her...both from the dominant side and the sadistic side. She handled it very well...until the next morning...when she went in the bathroom and looked at the welts on her ass. That is when she came back into the bathroom and told me that she "could not believe that someone that professed to know what they were doing and who 'supposedly' cared about the submissive's well-being could do this to her...and "Oh, by the way, you've got 10 minutes to get out of my apartment before I call the cops and show them what you've done to me." I found out later that the submissive...besides having some mental/emotional issues...had literally no experience. I found this out from another submissive I played with about 6 months later who, until she and I hooked up, had no idea who the 'big, bad dominant-wanna-be' was that had "beat up" her 'newbie' friend. Sometimes...the dominant is doing what he's supposed to...but if he's being lied to by someone who's too embarassed to admit their newness and too stoic to say something and whose responses indicate enjoyment rather than dissatisfaction/discomfort...what should he do then? Master had a similar experience with his ex-submissive. She was experienced and Master is known as a hardcore sadist. She knew this, she had observed some of his scenes prior to them being together. They had been dating for about one month when she told him that she wanted to be "pushed". After talking it out, they came to an agreement and he gave her a safeword, which she never used. She never gave any indication of distress. (I was actually present at the scene and can vouch for this.) The next day she told everyone she could find that he had been abusive and had gone past her limits. The day after that she went around trying to retract those statements. In the end, it came out that she had done that as a ploy to get the attention of her ex-Dom. And the thing is.....it can be really hard to tell, who is going to do the "I'm a psycho" routine. Yeah, it is. For awhile after this experience, I would lie in bed with a submissive with her all cuddled up, maybe sobbing a bit and then sniffling and then dropping off to sleep...and I would lie there and wonder who I was going to wake up with; sweet submissive or Ms. Hyde.

catize -> RE: Newbies self identifying as painsluts (7/27/2006 4:40:11 PM)
quote: "Gimme three steps, gimme three steps sister, gimme three steps towards the door" Skynard "Ah said, ESSCUSE ME!"........one of my all time favorite songs!

Fawne -> RE: Newbies self identifying as painsluts (7/27/2006 6:15:24 PM)
Hi, Just peeking in today :) When I started I had mostly submissive fantasies. I had no idea I had the wiring of a masochist. I do get very sexually aroused by a skilled top inflicting pain. Have actually orgasmed by pain. I had no clue of this until I got actual experience. Just wanted to add: an odd, but opposite enlightenment. Albeit a safer one. I still never call myself a painslut. While I do enjoy quite an extent and variety; a part is the satisfaction of serving as his toy, if and when he desires.

KnightofMists -> RE: Newbies self identifying as painsluts (7/27/2006 6:33:19 PM)
I haven't read the thread.... I suppose someone as said this already... BUT... WHAT KIND OF IDIOT PLAYS A NEWBIE THAT WAY. Sorry for yelling... but Damn... This is rather stupid on the Top's part Frankly, I don't care if a person says they are a really pain slut or not. They could be the most experienced person in the world. But if I have never seen them play and/or they have never seen me play... THEN WE ARE NEWBIE's TOGETHER!!! I have played a few individuals that are very new and never had a problem..... Why because... I test things... I don't just jump into the deep end. So... I agree with erin saying that a newbie should never say they are a pain slut.. masochist etc etc.... BUT, I add this.... No one should say it without the expressed or understood meaning that they are Masochist with X... X being a specific Top. I fully expect that at this time in Kyra's level of experience that no one could play her like I do. Her mindset to enjoying and enduring the pain is very much tied to me and our relationship. I suspect alot of bottoms are very much like that.... It's amazing how alittle trust is required for most before you can beat the shit out of them!!!! I think it is better to express that one can be very masochist given the right conditions occur. As Top and a Sadist..... I am smart enough to know that I need to understand and learn what conditions are required to send a bottom into a frenzy of pain and joy. erin... I not only question the bottom in your story... but I question the Top's skill as well.

KnightofMists -> RE: Newbies self identifying as painsluts (7/27/2006 6:39:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PlayfulOne "I am a masochist" , "I am a pain slut", what exactly do those two statments mean? I see people all of the time who think they are but they meet an actual sadist and go "Oh Shit". How true ! How true!

Calandra -> RE: Newbies self identifying as painsluts (7/27/2006 7:30:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SavageEu So curious question here since everyone seems to be around. What is considered 'heavy' play? I mean is it leaving bruises and welts, can't be bleeding because thats really easy with horsehair floggers, or if you can't set for the next three days (atleast my ass still remembered some of those crop hits)? A skillful Dominant will begin pain play slowly with a new partner... you can always add another swat/whack but you can't take one back once you've done it... I have a friend who loves spanking... but not the slap and tickle kinda spanking... the paddle warming, bend ovah and kiss yer ass goodbye kind... Her Master knows her so well... He "warms her bottom up first" with a few swats spread evenly over her butt, then a few harder ones to make the skin "blush". She explains that when the blood rushes to the surface, the tissues are much more able to handle the paddle... Now she loves the bruising and the pain over the next few days time as a reminder of her scene... I've seen her take 200 swats with the paddle without breaking the skin because there is SKILL involved...

OsideGirl -> RE: Newbies self identifying as painsluts (7/27/2006 8:30:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists BUT... WHAT KIND OF IDIOT PLAYS A NEWBIE THAT WAY. Ummmm....another newbie who didn't know any better.

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