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puella -> RE: worst thing your Dom/me can do (7/26/2006 4:47:24 PM)
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Everyone can do bad things, and I do not know that they are always done on a completely conscious level.
For me, the worst was not one thing, but a series of things that culminated to a lot of destruction.
First there was the build up of trust and a culling of a profound depth of emotion within me. After time went by and I was firmly planted in my total submission and love, there was a drastic change of rules. Almost everything that was once up, became down, that sort of thing, with the rational that... if you love me and are as deeply submitted to me as you say you are, and as I wish my slave to be, you will trust me and we will work through your 'hang ups' about my new decisions together...
The together part is what kept me going... How could I not try to be better for him, when he was going to show me how, when he would help me?
What seemed the worst to me was when that stopped being the case, the 'together' that is. When I struggled (and I struggled hard) with these things which, from the very beginning I had always stated were things I could not and would not deal with (and was legitimately trying to overcome for him, even if in a very ungraceful manner)... when I floundered, failed, and often times weeping and emotionally ragged came to him for help and was told (in summary) that I was crazy, not submissive enough and to get over it or be gone... that to me felt like abandonment, while sort of keeping me there physically to take care of the housekeeping. I know he doesn't see it that way (in fact when I told him it felt like I was being abandoned, I can not tell you the wrath that incurred), and there are always two (and equally legitimate) sides to the story. Let me give him his due... it can not have been fun for him, wanting so much for me to change into what he wanted...wanting me to be so much more than I was, and my continual stumbling and disappointing him ... and all the emotions that went with that for both him and me... I am sure that is very hard for an owner, who is supposed to be being served and getting pleasure from his property.
But, to me, that sort of abandonment was so terrible, was the absolute worst... it has destroyed huge parts of me and taken away so many parts of who I once was, that I really don't recognize this thing that is me.. or that which is left of me.
We have to be very careful in what we do. I walked into this eagerly for the absolute love and devotion I had (and still do) for him. I guess we make and allow what is the worst for ourselves.
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