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Is this common? - 7/28/2006 10:58:38 PM   
mastersayed


Posts: 119
Joined: 3/21/2006
Status: offline 		Ok I sorta have a problem here. My slave, is an excellent slave in every possible way. Its just thats every two weeks or so, shes really down on her self for being a slave. I asked her many times why would she be down on herself? she chose slavery, and she is very happy when she makes me happy. She told me that she is only submissive to me because she knows its the only way she can be with me, and that she was raised all her life not to allow men to dominate her, she only submits to me because it makes me happy and she wants me to be happy. She gets really down on her self for being an object of pleasure. For the record, BDSM was her idea, she introduced me to it because I have a very dominant personality and she enjoyed being dominated by me. Also I'm buying her an engagement ring within a month and she knows that and she is very happy about it. The issue is I want her to be happy.
I guess my post is two fold; to vent and to ask is this common? if so is there a way to stop her from being so down on herself for being a slave? is there a way to teach her pride in her submission? I can order her to be proud but I want her to be proud out of conviction, because honestly I love her.
All opinions will be greatly appreciated.
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RE: Is this common? - 7/28/2006 11:06:57 PM   
JessieMe


Posts: 510
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline 		If I recall from some previous postings, the two of you are not together all the time.. you get together every couple of weeks for a weekend or something like that. Is her "downing" herself falling on these times when you are apart? If so, it could simply be that she is missing you and feeling that she should not need you so much due to her upbringing that you mention.

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RE: Is this common? - 7/28/2006 11:08:49 PM   
cheshireboy


Posts: 217
Joined: 5/10/2006
Status: offline 		seems like she is struggling with who she is, which may as you have stated is due to her bringing up, which could be rooted as well in low self esteem.  when it comes to that, it is a tricky car to drive, you can't force anyone to be proud...what i have seen done is the past is either many long talks, or something along the lines as proving them wrong with their own words...but that one can make a big ol mess as well....combating low self esteem, the person with it, has to actively decide not to have it....but it could also be something along the lines of her needed positive words more often than she is recieivng, that kind of reinforment can make her come to the grip that what she does, and is feeling, is a good thing....
 
cheshire
"if it was only just a smile"

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RE: Is this common? - 7/28/2006 11:08:51 PM   
mastersayed


Posts: 119
Joined: 3/21/2006
Status: offline 		she feels like that whenver she is reminded she's an object of pleasure

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RE: Is this common? - 7/28/2006 11:17:19 PM   
mastersayed


Posts: 119
Joined: 3/21/2006
Status: offline 		trust me cheshireboy, I encourage her non stop, I tell her she is beautiful, sexy and cute about a 100 times a day, with no result, she still doesnt think highly of herself.

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RE: Is this common? - 7/28/2006 11:21:32 PM   
SexyRed


Posts: 529
Joined: 8/19/2004
Status: offline 		self-esteem comes from within a person. you can receive compliments day and night, but nothing matters unless the words and feelings originate from your inner self. sometimes you have to let a person work through their insecurities and let them find out if the path they have chosen for themselves is truly the one that will make them happy.

I will also say that you are 18 and it appears your partner is young as well. it takes a while to grow into the man or woman that you want to be and the journey sometimes has bumps in it. self doubt is just one of those bumps.

< Message edited by SexyRed -- 7/28/2006 11:23:08 PM >

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RE: Is this common? - 7/28/2006 11:34:53 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		If this is a repeating pattern, then there's something deeper going on that you aren't getting to.

She's happy...but?  What exactly?  Why is the object getting her down?  What about it makes her feel like that?  What other things does she associate with it?  Is there a pattern of things that happen right before her moods strike her?  Have you both gotten sucked into an attention cycle and she knows she can get validation from you without having to ask for it?

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RE: Is this common? - 7/29/2006 12:51:16 AM   
fullofgrace


Posts: 395
Joined: 3/24/2006
From: fl, usa
Status: offline 		it seems like this may just be a self-esteem issue with herself - that she needs to find self-confidence before she can define herself, and before that happens, it's probably not a good idea to put definitions of "slave" or "submissive" on herself...lack of self-esteem can be magnified especially in a d/s relationship, from what i've found. maybe consider her dealing with her own possible self-esteem issues before approaching it from a d/s context?

what la said about an attention cycle also makes a lot of sense.


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RE: Is this common? - 7/29/2006 6:06:12 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		Sounds to me like she's pretending to be something she is not just to be with you. I'm sure she'd much rather (from what you say) be a loved girlfriend then *just an object of pleasure*.  You both may have to reevaluate your relationship as it may not be the one for her.
It could be she's a Domme or a switch, but either way it doesn't sound like she's 100% sub to me. Her feelings do count so you two need to have a long talk.

~Lashra

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RE: Is this common? - 7/29/2006 1:08:35 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		I don't mean this to sound as harsh as it may, but, just because YOU are happy doesn't mean SHE is happy, too.  It does sound as though she's being your slave to make YOU happy, but it's obviously not fulfilling for her.  Not all of us truly feel we were born for servitude. 

Don't forget, she's not "a slave", she's a woman, a human being.  It sounds as though she has a mind of her own and wants to use it, and (as I do) wants to be respected for who she is and what she can do besides serving someone and being an "object of pleasure".  Sorry, but I would feel just like she does.  If you go ahead and get married without resolving this, I can guarantee, it's going to fester inside of her and come to a head one day with very negative results. 

I think you should re-evaluate the relationship and decide if you really NEED a 24/7 slave, because it does not sound as though she is one, and that is okay.  There is no shame in that.  If you can drop back and let her soul search and re-define herself, and love and accept her for who she is, you will be showing a true love for her, and maybe have a wonderful life partner with a strong submissive side, but not 24/7 slave.

I just re-read this whole thread and saw that you both are 18?  I know you feel really mature at this point in your lives, but you really are young and have a lot of years ahead of you.   What about college for her?  Does she want a career?  You really have to be fulfilled inside yourself before you can fulfill someone else.

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RE: Is this common? - 7/29/2006 4:46:42 PM   
mastersayed


Posts: 119
Joined: 3/21/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

I just re-read this whole thread and saw that you both are 18?  I know you feel really mature at this point in your lives, but you really are young and have a lot of years ahead of you.   What about college for her?  Does she want a career?  You really have to be fulfilled inside yourself before you can fulfill someone else.


Actually she's 19 but yeah I'm 18. We both go to the same college, and she wants to be a teacher when she graduates and she knows I'm fine with that.

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RE: Is this common? - 7/30/2006 5:11:17 AM   
thornypetals


Posts: 11
Joined: 7/21/2006
Status: offline 		low self esteem is the issue, the best way to help her is let her battle it herself,you cant tell a person thier self worth... but you can motivate someone you care for by letting them explore thier great gifts... she has talent in a million things, give her some focus on her gifts...  maybe even be the Dom in this .. make it homework

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RE: Is this common? - 7/30/2006 5:15:01 AM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		My opinion is that at 18 you're not even close to being ready to get engaged.  I don't know how else to put it, but you have to know what a BAD relationship is like before you know what a good one is like.  Why add the pressure of an engagement ring when there are obviously other problems going on?

quote:

ORIGINAL: mastersayed

All opinions will be greatly appreciated.


< Message edited by Lordandmaster -- 7/30/2006 5:17:58 AM >

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RE: Is this common? - 7/30/2006 5:42:53 AM   
subanon


Posts: 1
Joined: 3/24/2006
Status: offline 		The best divorces happen before the marriage. I don't know who to attribute it to.


Get. Out. Now.

She is being manipulative for attention. Ignore the behaviour when she does this and it will stop or it will escalate (my money is on escalate) at which time you will see the person who is trying to control you. 

Do try doing yourself a favor and think, write, discuss this without using the words Dominant, slave, service, happy, etc. ad nauseum.

Many young women, in this culture especially, think that happiness comes when they've "got a man". You are actually insignificant here. She has a pre-programmed agenda, subconscious I am sure (don't want to sound too mean) and you are merely the "next piece" of the puzzle.

The most loving thing you could do for yourself and this young lady is to cut ties, and give one another the blessing of discovering who you are as individuals, what you have to offer the universe and others, your gifts and abilities, your passion and bliss, BEFORE you decide to attempt to build a life with an other.



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RE: Is this common? - 7/30/2006 7:19:46 AM   
BillsGalSusan


Posts: 69
Joined: 7/18/2006
Status: offline 		You have aid it is every two weeks or so. If she is on a 28ish day cycle, it could be related to hormonal changes at ovulation and menstruation. You might track this a bit, and if there appears to be a correspondence, see if just knowing that it is hormonal helps put it in perspective and become less troublesome, or seek medical assistance.

Another Susan

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RE: Is this common? - 7/30/2006 7:20:07 AM   
nephandi


Posts: 4470
Joined: 9/23/2005
From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
Status: offline
quote:

My opinion is that at 18 you're not even close to being ready to get engaged.  I don't know how else to put it, but you have to know what a BAD relationship is like before you know what a good one is like.  Why add the pressure of an engagement ring when there are obviously other problems going on?


i was 16 when i met and fell in love whit my fiance, he was my first love and he was 18 and i was his first love and we are still together, sure like all realtionhsips it have its up and downs, but it is a good relationship. i dont see the need to have a bad relationship and a brakeup before having a good realtionship. i now i am lucky wery lucky, but it do happen.

quote:

  
She is being manipulative for attention. Ignore the behaviour when she does this and it will stop or it will escalate (my money is on escalate) at which time you will see the person who is trying to control you. 


So every time a girl is sad for somthing, or there is some uphill in a relationship she is manipulative and it is best to run for the hills. i dont now theese pepole, but to me it sounds like the slave have a problem whit being a slave, not that she is trying to manipulate her Master. And besides should one not give a good thing a few tries before one give up.

quote:

She told me that she is only submissive to me because she knows its the only way she can be with me,


This however is a line that rise some red lights for me, it seam that she is slave, becouse she want you. Now from the picture, the girl is gorgeous, i dont think you have to wory she do it just to get any man, after all a girl lie that could have almost anyone, but i do perhaps thin she do it to get you. Have you talked whit her aboute the possibility that you can be girlfrind and boyfrind and not Master and slave?

quote:

and that she was raised all her life not to allow men to dominate her, she only submits to me because it makes me happy and she wants me to be happy.


This is not uncommon, i to feel guilt over being submissive, i feel all my upbringing raising up against it and roaring, and i feel that this is just wrong, if she is having such doubths you should talk whit her. An egaement ring is nice, and you should go for it, if this is the woman you want to live whit for the rest of your life, but first you must speak whit her, find out if she is happy as a slave and if she is not then you must make the choice of keeping her despite her unhappyness, relese her and change the relationship to somthing she is happy in, or relse her and brake up. It is up to you, and i wish you luck.



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RE: Is this common? - 7/30/2006 7:55:01 AM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		And you're still only 23.  When I was 23, I thought I knew everything there was to know in the world too.  OK, maybe you found your one true love at the age of 16, but frankly, it doesn't happen often enough for me to think that every 18-year-old who's about to get engaged really knows what he's doing.  It's the stuff of fairy tales.

quote:

ORIGINAL: nephandi

quote:

My opinion is that at 18 you're not even close to being ready to get engaged.  I don't know how else to put it, but you have to know what a BAD relationship is like before you know what a good one is like.  Why add the pressure of an engagement ring when there are obviously other problems going on?


i was 16 when i met and fell in love whit my fiance, he was my first love and he was 18 and i was his first love and we are still together, sure like all realtionhsips it have its up and downs, but it is a good relationship. i dont see the need to have a bad relationship and a brakeup before having a good realtionship. i now i am lucky wery lucky, but it do happen.

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RE: Is this common? - 7/30/2006 8:28:43 AM   
zumala


Posts: 1121
Joined: 6/16/2005
Status: offline 		I honestly think LAM has a valid point.  I know that people don't like it when they're told they are too young to have enough experience in relationships.  There are always a few exceptions to this general rule, but for most people it's true.  Until you've gone through a few relationships and are able to compare what was good and what wasn't so good about them, you won't know if you are in a relationship that will last and be a good experience in the long run.
 
I didn't have many relationships before I married, but those I did have were disasters and I learned a lot from them.  I matured in my thinking in general, as well as how I viewed my behavior and that of others.  My husband genuinely cares for me and I can see daily his efforts to help me succeed in life.  Who could ask for more than that?  If you have a solid friendship and can talk about literally anything, you have an excellent base for a long-term relationship.  Always, always, ALWAYS be certain that your most important beliefs are shared, because they will become an issue eventually if they aren't.  Shared interests are also vitally important.
 
zuma

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RE: Is this common? - 7/30/2006 8:42:53 AM   
nephandi


Posts: 4470
Joined: 9/23/2005
From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
Status: offline 		my point is that let them try, it is no point in terminating the raltionship before they have tryed becouse it may not work out, let them try to work out their problems, they get the engeged for that matter, i think they should give the relationship a chance, to say no you are youn, just drop it, that i think is not wise, sure they are young and one can discuss the chace of the relationship working, but give it that chance.

Shared intrests is wery inportant, shared belifhs is inportant but for example me and my future Master he is christian, i am a chaos magician.

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RE: Is this common? - 7/30/2006 9:04:44 AM   
fullofgrace


Posts: 395
Joined: 3/24/2006
From: fl, usa
Status: offline 		i agree with points both nephandi and lam have made...i mean, i was engaged when i was 16 (for a year - to someone who was 20 at the time) and it didn't work out, but it was a step i needed to make, it was the first "bdsm relationship" i was in, and it was really good for me - because all the issues surrounding breaking it off and the problems we had helped me see how i have grown as a person. it didn't work out; this is true. a lot of relationships don't, no matter what age you are. i think as you get older you probably tend to have a less romantic, rose-colored-glasses view of things, but that doesn't mean that someone my age doesn't have the right to at least try. the worst that could happen is a breakup, or to the extreme, they get married and end up divorced, but these are relationship changes -everyone- goes through, and just because they're young doesn't mean they shouldn't have a chance to make their own mistakes; the mistakes i made when i was engaged and what i learned was more than worth it.


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