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age preferences - 12/13/2004 5:12:47 AM   
prplrz66


Posts: 8
Joined: 12/9/2004
Status: offline 		am i wrong to have an age preference? having recently joined i have received many emails, most positive and helpful. one that i got was not so. this dom berated me for wanting someone closer to my own age or a bit younger. i explained to him that as this is all so new to me that it seemed to make sense that i test the waters i am used to. in time i may realize and be able to benefit from the experience of an older dom, however for me, at this time, i am still...nervous. i have never really been around older people, my own parents and grandparents having died when i was young. what are your thoughts on this?

< Message edited by prplrz66 -- 12/13/2004 5:15:13 AM >

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RE: age preferences - 12/13/2004 5:30:11 AM   
Chaos


Posts: 30
Joined: 4/1/2004
Status: offline 		If your preference is what you are interested in...then who cares what someone else thinks you should do? In the end your choices are yours. Ignore "I think you should do this because I say so" letters

(in reply to prplrz66)
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RE: age preferences - 12/13/2004 5:31:56 AM   
LadyShoshin


Posts: 492
Joined: 7/19/2004
From: Burlington, Ontario
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: prplrz66

am i wrong to have an age preference? having recently joined i have received many emails, most positive and helpful. one that i got was not so. this dom berated me for wanting someone closer to my own age or a bit younger. i explained to him that as this is all so new to me that it seemed to make sense that i test the waters i am used to. in time i may realize and be able to benefit from the experience of an older dom, however for me, at this time, i am still...nervous. i have never really been around older people, my own parents and grandparents having died when i was young. what are your thoughts on this?

Personal preferences are just that, personal. You have every right to have them and don't have to rationalize why to anyone. There will always be busybodies who think they know what is best for you better than you do. Use the ignore function.

_____________________________

PHLOX: “It’s unethical for a doctor to cause harm...I can inflict as much pain as I like.”

(in reply to prplrz66)
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RE: age preferences - 12/13/2004 5:48:35 AM   
liljoy


Posts: 577
Joined: 3/25/2004
Status: offline 		i personally don't think you are any more wrong to have age prefrences than to perfer anything else that you perfer.
i see in your profile that you are interested in wax play. If wax play were very important to you and you were contacted by a Dom that not only didn't desire wax play but also refused to do it, would you deserve to be berated for saying "i'm sorry but our interests don't match"? i don't think so!!! What we try to do is match as well as we can to those we decide to serve.
It's my impression that the Dom that berated you was either reacting to the tone or percieved tone of your responce or reacting to the rejection. If your tone was not rude then it's His problem and not yours

(in reply to prplrz66)
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RE: age preferences - 12/13/2004 8:06:11 AM   
perverseangelic


Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline 		-nothing- wrong with a preference.

From experience, you -will- get a lot of people who badmouth you for it or tell you that you aren't really what you say you are.

Disregard 'em, and do your own thing.

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RE: age preferences - 12/13/2004 9:08:14 AM   
harmony3709


Posts: 292
Joined: 11/15/2004
Status: offline 		I agree with the comments above and add my voice to their's that you listen to your own instincts and what feels comfortable to you when it comes to personal preferences, especially when you are new to the lifestyle. And as stated, it will not be the last time you hear a comment criticizing you for your choices. I also have an age preference and routinely am challenged by it, just as I also will not meet or become involved with anyone who is married and believe it or not.....I get emails like the one you mentioned criticizing me for that as well.

Some people are just going to take a "no thank you" personally, but definitely stick to what feels right to you.

harmony

(in reply to prplrz66)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: age preferences - 12/13/2004 9:23:48 AM   
INSIDEYOURMIND


Posts: 483
Status: offline 		Being submissive has nothing to do with your preferences.

You have every right to decide what age, flavor, color, religion, and size you prefer in a Dom.

I will say that as you narrow the available choices, you reduce your chances to find a Dom. There are only so many fish in the sea, but be patience, I used to be in the Automoblie business, and they have an old saying, "There's an ass for every seat!".

I am sure that there is a Dom out there for you, but remember we men hate asking for directions, so hang in there!

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If I got smart with you.................
How would you know?

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RE: age preferences - 12/13/2004 9:41:34 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		prplrz66,
Beyond the obvious that knowing and sticking to your personal preferences is essential in your search, you should realize that any time you post you are a target. Any rejection potentially will generate that type of response. I would recommend that you put your age preference in your profile though. That will make the rejection easier, you could then just say you prefer to be with a Dom who can read.

How potential Dom's handle rejection is also a good tool to weed out the fakes. Desperation is directly proportional to the manner of handling your "no-thanks". Insults hurled back at submissives when they don't accept an invitation are a justification for people not replying to every inquiry. And when they pull out the big guns by challenging your submissiveness and saying you must be a fake and wannabe by not jumping at the opportunity to serve them - RUN!

But regarding your personal preferences - if you haven't already done so, expand them in as much detail as possible. Age-range, weight, height, hair color, whatever; realize though that the more limiting you are, the smaller the potential pool of people you are willing to meet. Also remember, dominant traits are emotional and mental capacities. Sure some aspects require physical prowess and stamina, but they aren't necessarily limited to men in certain age bracket. If it's a matter of relating socially to the person, consider that he would have to make that same consideration, and it would be just as much a concern to him as you.

I guess I would say, if someone meets all your other criteria, and their overall profile, experience level and general likability appeal to you, don't out of hand exclude them, because the age in their profile.

(in reply to prplrz66)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: age preferences - 12/13/2004 12:39:42 PM   
esclavedefille


Posts: 5
Joined: 12/13/2004
Status: offline 		there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with having an age preference! i am 18 yrs old...i wouldn't think that a 50 yr old Master would be appropriate, even, for me to be with. Just for the simple fact that they probably don't have much in common with me. if anyone gives You crud about having an age preference then they are insane and not worth the time. You want to make sure You are happy in the relationship You are in or it will be harder to submit to someone completely and love and cherish them; which is the most important thing in an S&M relationship.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: age preferences - 12/13/2004 2:54:05 PM   
Estring


Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I wonder how many of the people who are telling you that it is ok to prefer an age close to you would feel the same if you were male and had a weight preference? Hmm, I wonder...

(in reply to prplrz66)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: age preferences - 12/13/2004 2:56:09 PM   
perverseangelic


Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Estring

I wonder how many of the people who are telling you that it is ok to prefer an age close to you would feel the same if you were male and had a weight preference? Hmm, I wonder...



I would, depending on how he said it. "I hate fatties" is different from "prefer people who are atheltic" or "prefer slim build"

Then again, I think the age thing depends on how you say it, too.

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~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to Estring)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: age preferences - 12/13/2004 3:14:41 PM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		Age is just a number. I see some ppl in there 40's 50's and plus who still have great stamina, looks, and such. Everyone ages at there own rate. I know some ppl in there early 20's who are in need of retierment. Mental maturity is also something to consider. So don't look at a persons profile for a number of age. See what they look like and how they move and sound in conversation.

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I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to prplrz66)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: age preferences - 12/13/2004 4:00:51 PM   
lovingmaster45


Posts: 261
Joined: 9/16/2004
Status: offline 		Do what you are comfortable with. My subs have ranged in age from 16 to 60 and it has never been a problem for me or for them; but everyone is different. I currently have a sub who just turned 20 (she has been mine for over a yr.) and one I am considering collaring who is 50. I am comfortable with them both and surprisingly enough we all find a lot in common from our musical tastes and taste in literature as well as the people we all like in the lifestyle.

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Master Jerry


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RE: age preferences - 12/13/2004 5:23:28 PM   
ShadowKnight


Posts: 40
Joined: 12/7/2004
From: Missoula, Montana
Status: offline 		Well I do not think it is wrong to have an age preference. Heck I have one...lol. I prefer girls who are younger than I am and within a medically healthy weight for their height. Everyone has preferences. I do believe that if you don't hold onto those preferences while not ruling out other possibilities then you risk ending up severely unhappy.

Just My two tarn bits,
ShadowKnight

PS: Excuse any spelling errors as I am working on a 30 page research paper atm

< Message edited by ShadowKnight -- 12/13/2004 5:24:57 PM >

(in reply to prplrz66)
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RE: age preferences - 12/13/2004 5:48:12 PM   
Suleiman


Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline 		You will NEVER be able to please everybody.

There are a ton of threads (and aside comments within other threads) regarding the "if you don't do things like this then you're just a big fake" line of reasoning which seems to saturate the online community (it also saturates the face-to-face community, but usually cliques establish rules that everyone within that clique adheres to, and then call all the other local cliques fake for not doing the same)

I prefer people close to around my own age, but when I was younger I preferred people who were a little bit older than I was. Mid 30s just seems to be where it's at for me, and eventually I'm going to start taking flack for being interested in people who are too young for me. Oh, well.

Why is it an older person takes heat for being interested in someone significantly younger than they are, but a younger person takes far less for seeking out an older lover? I realise there is a disparity within this dichotomy for how men and women are treated, but in general this rule (to a greater or lesser extent) seems to hold true in our society. Just a random thought (I've been having a lot of those lately).

_____________________________

Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

(in reply to prplrz66)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: age preferences - 12/13/2004 7:44:48 PM   
prplrz66


Posts: 8
Joined: 12/9/2004
Status: offline 		thank you everyone for your advice! although i know that i have a lot to learn, i feel that i should already know more than i do, how naive! these forums are certainly a great source of information!


< Message edited by prplrz66 -- 12/13/2004 7:48:05 PM >

_____________________________

dum spiro spero

latin for: while i breathe, i hope

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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: age preferences - 12/13/2004 7:58:11 PM   
CTclay


Posts: 123
Joined: 11/6/2004
Status: offline 		There's nothing wrong with having preferences -- that's why collarme.com and similar sites have age ranges on their search features. The vanilla boyfriend/girlfriend aspect of BDSM relationships is obviously easier when your ages are similar.

All the same though, I think a domme of an older age might have a lot to offer in a power exchange. My dommes have all been at least somewhat younger than me, and I think it's (slightly) harder for them to feel quite as authoritative. But I have to admit, I never discussed it with them.

There are times when a sub in a relationship can see the dominant just heading for the rocks by making a damn stupid decision -- and it probably happens a bit more often when the sub is older -- and just biting, biting, biting one's tongue, watching the predictable shipwreck, then helping with the flotsam and jetsam. Or working out a very, very diplomatic way to bring the matter up and make a meek suggestion, often in the form of a leading question. Not the most fun aspect of D/s, although it can be an interesting challenge.

With an older dominant, I imagine, there's the pleasure of learning some of her wisdom as that learning reinforces the feeling of her dominance over you. Very satisfying. Very . . . erotic, even.

But even from younger dommes (the first was 27 when I was 41, the second was much closer, 38 when I was 43) I learned from them at some points.

A very young domme could be very sexy, too, just in more conventional ways. I find that's much less important to me than experience in a domme, though. If a much younger domme wanted me, she'd have to be very sexy and want a lot of sex, or be very, very accomplished in a lot of different BDSM things. Boy, am I getting old...

Perhaps from a dominant's point of view, an older sub should be better at service, perhaps at counseling, certainly at devotion. I once saw that kind of relationship close up, and it worked very well.

Nothing wrong with preferences, especially as you get your initial experience -- but I recommend at least tasting a lot of the different flavors in the BDSM ice cream shop.

(in reply to prplrz66)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: age preferences - 12/13/2004 9:31:51 PM   
Kinkypupper


Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline 		Its very very much a individual thing.
Extreme age differences do create social problems. The biggest problem with a very young and a "old fart" is that people under the age of 25 tend to be "scatter brained" and loose interest in something quickly. VERY short attention span.
I have no problem with age at all I would prefer to have a sub tho that is older then most of my kids but that is only for the consideration of them. As they get a lil uncomfortable when I have a "sub" who is 18 or 19 and most of my kids average around 23 yrs old.
I would "prefer" a person no more then 20 yrs difference so that there is more things one can relate with to each other..


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Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

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RE: age preferences - 12/14/2004 12:25:38 AM   
harmony3709


Posts: 292
Joined: 11/15/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Estring

I wonder how many of the people who are telling you that it is ok to prefer an age close to you would feel the same if you were male and had a weight preference? Hmm, I wonder...


I think there is a difference between age preference and size or weight preference, although I agree with perverseangelic that a lot depends on how you say it. Size is part of the outer package, just aesthetics and would fall in the same category as preferring brunettes, short women, or large breasts. In my opinion, age preference usually has to do the mental aspect, common interests, the stage of life you are in, etc.

harmony

(in reply to Estring)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: age preferences - 12/16/2004 2:01:00 PM   
PerhapsitsFate


Posts: 42
Joined: 11/30/2004
Status: offline 		I had the exact same dilemma when posting my profile, though I will make friends of any age, etc... I prefer someone a little closer to my age for a LT relationship. I consulted with a someone I respected a great deal, and asked Him if it would be rude of me to state my preferences in my profile, because honestly, I don't want to waste anyone's time. He assured me it would be the right thing to do, because frankly there were a few that obviously put some time into emailing me (rather than sending out the CM equivalent of a form letter), and I always felt bad about emailing back... "ummm, thanks, but you are 30 years older than me, and I'm looking for someone less than 20 years older" I'm tenderhearted to a fault, and I wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, no more than I'd like mine hurt. Always be honest... you'll never go wrong if you do, and you'll alleviate alot of uncomfortable situations if you do! Good luck!

(in reply to prplrz66)
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