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How Can I let him know - respectfully? - 8/1/2006 8:25:44 PM

pattiann

Posts: 48
Joined: 7/2/2006
Status: offline

Please tell me how to let my potential master know that I need more contact, more instruction and more face time? We've talked online a lot, and have met once but I am craving more. I hear so much of topping from the bottom, and I don't want that.

If it were a vanilla relationship and I wasn't getting what I need from him, I'd find someone else to meet those needs. But I want to tell him in a clear non-threatening manner that he needs to step it up just a bit.

PattiAnn

Post #: 1

RE: How Can I let him know - respectfully? - 8/1/2006 8:30:25 PM

LadyJulieAnn

Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline

I'm not sure why you feel the need to present your feelings differently than you would in a vanilla relationship. Do it as respectfully as you would in any other relationship. Communication is communication, as far as I'm concerned.

Be well,
Julie

(in reply to pattiann)

Post #: 2

RE: How Can I let him know - respectfully? - 8/1/2006 8:31:18 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

In my experience, telling your Master what you need him to do is never a good idea. It bodes the question of who rules whom? You can ask for more contact. You express to him that you crave and wish for more contact. But how much contact he decides to give you is up to him. If he is not your Master yet and you are already unfulfilled, perhaps a re-evaluation is in order.

(in reply to pattiann)

Post #: 3

RE: How Can I let him know - respectfully? - 8/1/2006 8:35:24 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

Greetings PattiAnn,

The answer is simple and straight forward. Tell him honestly what you feel and your needs. Then he must make the decision as to what additional time he has available to share with you.... Provided you do not use any games or tricks or any form of guilt tripping and state up front but respectfully you requests, you are not "Topping from the Bottom". Even Gorean slaves are permitted to ask or beg for such things as additional time after they are granted permittion to make such a request..

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to pattiann)

Post #: 4

RE: How Can I let him know - respectfully? - 8/1/2006 8:39:29 PM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

PattiAnn,

Your profile indicates that you are new. What I can't quite gather is how new he is (to being a dom/Master). (This bit of information might not be relevant.)

Vanilla relationship or D/s relationship, in either case communication is important. In your mind, some sort of power exchange has occurred. Are you submitting to him right now? Is it 24/7, or when you are together. When you are not 'in the moment' (which could be together, chat, email) you are more-or-less equals. As such, you have a right to ask, to know.

Yet, projecting here, I'm guessing you want to keep in place your 'place'. You wish to show your deference. You don't want to seem pushy or needy.

How about a simple 'Is there something I can do (while we're apart) to please (or serve) you?'? It provides an appropriate attitude towards him, while leaving it open-ended enough that he shouldn't believe you are pushing his buttons to get a response.

Hope this helps.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to pattiann)

Post #: 5

RE: How Can I let him know - respectfully? - 8/1/2006 9:04:26 PM

Vancouver_cinful

Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline

It doesn't matter whether you are a sub, slave, dom, domme, switch, or vanilla. If your partner is not willing to meet your needs suffering in silence is not the answer. It's unhealthy, will lead to resentment, and eventually major problems will arise that will probably become unfixable.

You don't have to be unfullfilled just because you're a submissive. If he isn't able, or interested, in making this relationship work so that you are both happy, then he isn't the right partner for you.

Tell him directly and clearly what is not working for you. Try to have the conversation when you are not angry or tired, and be sure he knows that you're doing this in order to keep the relationship alive.

If he isn't interested in communicating about your needs, he's not worth staying with. No different than in a vanilla relationship.

_____________________________

Cin

quote:

My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to pattiann)

Post #: 6

RE: How Can I let him know - respectfully? - 8/1/2006 9:27:10 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

"I am feeling insecure and lonely due to not having regular offline time to share together. I would like to talk and see what your expectations are and be able for us both to be happy."

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to pattiann)

Post #: 7

RE: How Can I let him know - respectfully? - 8/2/2006 3:19:35 AM

swtnsparkling

Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

When your first started talking did you ever ask him, just how much time he is able to give to you and the relationship?

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace

A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please

(in reply to pattiann)

Post #: 8

RE: How Can I let him know - respectfully? - 8/2/2006 3:43:42 AM

SirDarkside357

Posts: 393
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

Have you tried just telling him of your need in a non-demanding way? Sometimes the streight forward way is the best.

(in reply to pattiann)

Post #: 9

RE: How Can I let him know - respectfully? - 8/2/2006 3:58:19 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

Well speaking as a Master I have to DISAGREE with ownedgirlie on this one.

Topping from the bottom is when you try and manipulate, brow beat or in some other way over-ride the decision making process that is your Masters responcibility in order to get your own way.

Conversely, telling Him your needs, explaining even your wants, openly, honestly and respectfuly is mearly information. The decision is still HIS and frankly, from My point of view it is information I need in order to make a fully informed decision. I already know My own wants and needs, but My girls have importance too and I am not a mindreader.

If I decide to indulge her needs on that particular night, it is MY choise to do so but I can't choose to do so unless I know what thoes needs are. I am in charge of the relationship but even so, it still doesn't work if only one side is having their needs met, even if her needs are for me to take less notice of her needs (If you see what I mean).

Communication is essential. IMO

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to pattiann)

Post #: 10

RE: How Can I let him know - respectfully? - 8/2/2006 5:12:12 AM

MzMinx

Posts: 277
Joined: 12/26/2005
Status: offline

to me shareing your needs, desires and wants is part of submitting .... the way you do so and how I would grant them is part of my choice...

If a dominant hasnt told you the best way to share your needs to him ....then as the others have said shareing your needs in a respectful way without turning them in to demands should always be allowed

*smiles* ...

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 11

RE: How Can I let him know - respectfully? - 8/2/2006 5:28:02 AM

JessieMe

Posts: 510
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline

PattiAnn,

The keyword to your post <which I am surprised no one picked up> was POTENTIAL Master. You are still feeling your way through this. You should still be free to discuss any situation or needs / expectations at this point without it being topping as long as you are not demanding, whining, or just being a general pain in the ass <which even potentials dont care to deal with>.

Sweetie.. good luck to you.. and remember.. if you are not getting what you need in this relationship, you are not obligated to continue it with him just because you are a submissive nature and he is a dominant one. Its ok to look for something that is better suited to your needs as well as his. Trust me.. I know how hard this is.. I have been through this recently with a potential of my own. In the end.. it just had to be over and we agreed to be friends.

_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to MzMinx)

Post #: 12

RE: How Can I let him know - respectfully? - 8/2/2006 5:39:21 AM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

Dear Sir,

I beg to ask you for more contact, more instruction, and more face time. Please understand how deeply I am fulfilled when you show me your attention, and how hopeful I am that I may one day serve you as your slave.

Your humble sub,

pattiann

quote:

ORIGINAL: pattiann

Please tell me how to let my potential master know that I need more contact, more instruction and more face time?

(in reply to pattiann)

Post #: 13

RE: How Can I let him know - respectfully? - 8/2/2006 7:33:11 AM

Mavis

Posts: 828
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline

Just remember that whatever time is made available during courtship is usually MUCH more than will be available after things have settled down.

If this is still a potential Master, remember that's pre-agreements.   So many confuse "Potantial Master" with "Acting Master" and start right off behaving as they would IF that person were their Master. Well, He's not. At this point, you can still "negotiate". This is when He needs to learn about your time needs, what you consider a good level of instruction, how much face time makes you feel secure?

Please forgive if i make an assumption here, i don't mean to, but having few details, i'm going to forge ahead.   IF it's still just courting stages, then it's no more reasonable to treat him like your Master yet, then if you were dating a regular guy , referred to him as "a potential husband" and started treating him as you would a life mate.   One face to face meeting does not usually warrent putting on the engagement ring.

Use this time of getting to know Him wisely, and letting Him know your needs and desires too, just like you would if it were dating a non-lifestyle guy.   :)

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

Post #: 14

RE: How Can I let him know - respectfully? - 8/2/2006 7:48:11 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

Just tell him respectfully that the online is fun but you need IRL contact more. Thats not topping from the bottom, thats stating your needs which is perfectly acceptable. These are relationships afterall and should be treated as such.

Good luck,
~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to pattiann)

Post #: 15

RE: How Can I let him know - respectfully? - 8/2/2006 7:58:46 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

Well speaking as a Master I have to DISAGREE with ownedgirlie on this one.

Topping from the bottom is when you try and manipulate, brow beat or in some other way over-ride the decision making process that is your Masters responcibility in order to get your own way.

Conversely, telling Him your needs, explaining even your wants, openly, honestly and respectfuly is mearly information. The decision is still HIS and frankly, from My point of view it is information I need in order to make a fully informed decision. I already know My own wants and needs, but My girls have importance too and I am not a mindreader.

If I decide to indulge her needs on that particular night, it is MY choise to do so but I can't choose to do so unless I know what thoes needs are. I am in charge of the relationship but even so, it still doesn't work if only one side is having their needs met, even if her needs are for me to take less notice of her needs (If you see what I mean).

Communication is essential. IMO

I can respect this, and I see your point. I think I read the OP in a way in which it was not intended - as kind of demanding: "He needs to step it up just a bit." So what I saw was a girl telling a potential Master what HE needs to do, and I had trouble wrapping my arms around it. Yes, there are healthy and good ways of communicating desires and needs; I agree with that, and I do that myself. But in my own experience, I would get nowhere if I said, "Master you need to...such n such." I go a lot farther if and when I tell him how I am feeling and how I am responding to a situation, and how I wish for it to change. Trust me, there have been many "needs" that I have stated to Master in the past, which were not needs at all; they were merely spotlights on issues which needed resolving and proper training helped to resolve them. So that was the perspective with which I was (perhaps incorrectly) seeing the OP.

I did not intend to to advise the OP to not ask for things to change. Thanks for posting what you did, which allowed me to clarify that.

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 16

RE: How Can I let him know - respectfully? - 8/2/2006 12:35:16 PM

wouldlike2

Posts: 89
Joined: 9/25/2005
Status: offline

just tell him - respectfully and not demanding.
there is no problem to - there should be no problem to tell whats inside You and what You crave for , may have a problem with.
it is up to Him then to use that information...
but often i found out - in telling what a surprise things will be solved - smile -

thats about communication ,-))

hug

pet

_____________________________

Love arises from the mind while the body follows and reflect the soul

(in reply to pattiann)

Post #: 17

RE: How Can I let him know - respectfully? - 8/2/2006 1:37:02 PM

raiken

Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline

PattiAnn,

i know for myself, the fulfillment has to be mutually there for both. i also know that i do not do well in online relationships, i have to have physical presence of communication. If you are feeling like something is lacking, than with respect and honor, state it, and keep it real. No one is a mind reader. The worst that can happen is that the answer will be "no", or "not now", or some other condition. He may simply be testing your limits or your resolve, the person you are, or seeing how you handle or respond to the present conditions. He may be waiting to see if, when, and how you respond. Just something else to consider.

~raiken

(in reply to pattiann)

Post #: 18

RE: How Can I let him know - respectfully? - 8/2/2006 4:01:55 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

But in my own experience, I would get nowhere if I said, "Master you need to...such n such." I go a lot farther if and when I tell him how I am feeling and how I am responding to a situation, and how I wish for it to change.

I agree with you, however I think this poster is new, overwhelmed and a bit frustrated- acting out or using force is a typical reaction when you don't know where else to go. The fact that this potential master hasn't ALREADY established clear communication venues shows a weakness to begin with.

Hopefully the posting and replies given here can give her some perspective and alternative ways to about dealing with the issue.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 19

RE: How Can I let him know - respectfully? - 8/2/2006 4:19:04 PM

pattiann

Posts: 48
Joined: 7/2/2006
Status: offline

Thank you everyone. It is sooo helpful to have a sounding board.
I have sent him a message, letting him know that I crave to serve him more than I am being allowed to now. He has promised to discuss it with me later tonight.
I'll let you know how it works out.

(in reply to raiken)

Post #: 20

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