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Pride Issues Common? - 8/3/2006 2:40:59 PM   
CeliaRose


Posts: 11
Joined: 7/29/2006
Status: offline 		My boyfriend and I have an awesome relationship, we've been in this scene for a few months now, and I can never go back to vanilla again, neither can he. He's very fair, and always looks out for my best interests, I feel completely safe with this guy and we're very careful in everything we get into, we have a very strong communication.

Now here's the problem: I say "boyfriend" even on THIS site, haha. I call him Master verbally, but sometimes I won't even do that (and that is quickly corrected). I WANT to submit more, but I feel I have so much pride... I've always been a feminist, with a dominant personality, yet I've had these desires for YEARS. Now when I finally get to live them out, even though I LOVE it, and get so much out of serving, I'm so cocky about it sometimes.

Is this common? Does the outer love to serve come with time? I feel like I'm failing in some way. :(

-Mandy (I know, I know "mandy")

< Message edited by CeliaRose -- 8/3/2006 2:41:49 PM >
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RE: Pride Issues Common? - 8/3/2006 3:04:08 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		The simple answer here could be that you're a switch.  Nothing wrong with that.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to CeliaRose)
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RE: Pride Issues Common? - 8/3/2006 3:09:46 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		The simplest answer is that you are clueless and wouldn't understand pride if it was a cancer in your body.

Rude I know, and meant to be so.

So define this feeling and the way your self talk tells you that this is bad........

Then I think you will see where this posting is going to go...

Seriously,
Ron


_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to CeliaRose)
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RE: Pride Issues Common? - 8/3/2006 3:21:11 PM   
redpetals


Posts: 229
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		i will make a prediction here for you..
the day  the word Master comes easily off your lips will be the beginning of your real surrender
pride has no place in a relationship with your Master..
i am never one to stand on protocol..but this i know..untill it comes easily off your lips..you ar not totally His sub..
this is my opinion..i remember  the first time i said it and it felt right..there was no turning back for me then..i was released twice .and begged my way back...and to this day i feel priviliged to say those words to Him
i wish you a speedy  realization..

_____________________________

Love is a verb.

(in reply to CeliaRose)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Pride Issues Common? - 8/3/2006 3:22:17 PM   
Kagesuta


Posts: 36
Joined: 9/15/2005
From: Da Druben
Status: offline 		Y'know, I've run into the same problem. For the sake of the english language, I just can't type 'i', or capitalize every word that refers to a dominant person. And I'm simply not going to refer to someone as 'mistress' every time I talk to them... That just seems really stiff and impersonal.

I see scening and regular life as two entirely separate things- If your boyfriend/master wants you to be his slave all the time, and you're uncomfortable with that for whatever reason, you may just have to talk it over with him and come to some sort of agreement.

Of course, if you feel that your pride is stopping you from truly enjoying your life, it might be something you need to sit down and think about for a while. There's nothing saying you can't change, but it's never an easy process, in my experience.


_____________________________

Remember, there are always more fish in the sea. And women, too, if you aren't into fish.

(in reply to CeliaRose)
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RE: Pride Issues Common? - 8/3/2006 3:23:19 PM   
justheather


Posts: 1532
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CeliaRose

Now here's the problem: I say "boyfriend" even on THIS site, haha.

My dom is my boyfriend. I call him "my boyfriend", "even on this site". Nobody has ever said anything negative about it.

quote:

I WANT to submit more, but I feel I have so much pride... I've always been a feminist, with a dominant personality, yet I've had these desires for YEARS. Now when I finally get to live them out, even though I LOVE it, and get so much out of serving, I'm so cocky about it sometimes.


It is my belief that submission is not a "feeling". It is a choice. I assume you are an adult, since you have a profile on this site. So, if you WANT to act in a certain way, then act that way. Don't act in the ways you don't want to act. Give yourself time to learn new patterns of behavior and do the best you can to act the way you want to act. That isnt going to magically happen. You control your own actions.

quote:

Does the outer love to serve come with time?

I doubt it.
If you like what being submissive in the relationship does for you, then you have to choose to do what you need to do to get that feeling. If you like the way you feel having just run a marathon, there is no guarantee you will eventually love the part where you are actually running one, but you can use the end reward to motivate yourself to start (and keep on) running.

You know, Mandy, one of my favorite sayings is "you can't get blood from a turnip". Cut yourself some slack and just do the best you can to submit to him at whatever level you can and enjoy the mutual reward. If you dont have it in you to love serving, you just don't. It's not the end of the world.

Focus on your actions, that's something you can control.

quote:

-Mandy (I know, I know "mandy")
Huh?

_____________________________

I want the scissors to be sharp
And the table perfectly level
When you cut me out of my life
And paste me in that book you always carry.
-Billy Collins

(in reply to CeliaRose)
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RE: Pride Issues Common? - 8/3/2006 4:01:49 PM   
mp072004


Posts: 381
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline 		1) Some strains of feminism are quite compatible with sexual submission. The "feminism means being able to live however you like" strain is even okay with actual d/s or power inequality.

2) Submission isn't about Capital Letters and titles. It's about decision-making. If I ask a person to stop calling me Mistress and using the little "i" to refer to himself, it is not a sign of real submissiveness to continue to call me Mistress and use lowercase first person pronouns.

3) You're a dominant personality, and presumably, you like yourself that way. I don't quite understand why you want to become submissive. If you're resisting it, you're probably not doing what you actually want to do.

Allow me to make a guess. You like the feeling of being "taken" sexually. You like being tied up and being spanked. However, you want to do this on your terms, or, at least, in negotiations where your partner doesn't get any more control than in regular sex. You want to be able to say, "Please spank me harder," and get spanked harder, or "No, I don't want to be bound with my hands behind my back tonight," and not be bound in that position. That's fine. You can do that. This involves talking and negotiating things with your partner, just like regular sex and relationships.

Or, you do like the idea of submitting, but you want to submit to a person because that person has actually won, is actually more dominant than you are. That's fine, too. One can roleplay this, but it may not be satisfying. Sometimes, if this is the desired feeling, the only real solution is, well, finding someone who wins dominance fights--when you and he or she try to determine who is more dominant or better, he or she needs to win.

Monica

(in reply to CeliaRose)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Pride Issues Common? - 8/3/2006 4:15:46 PM   
CeliaRose


Posts: 11
Joined: 7/29/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

The simplest answer is that you are clueless and wouldn't understand pride if it was a cancer in your body.

Rude I know, and meant to be so.

So define this feeling and the way your self talk tells you that this is bad........

Then I think you will see where this posting is going to go...

Seriously,
Ron



That's a bit harsh when I'm admitting there's a problem, don't you think? As far as the self talk, you may have a point, I believe being vulnerable to a person means getting closer to that person... I've always used sarcasm to guard myself from getting close to people, so much that I do it without thinking.

Hmmmm, so thanks in some weird way.

(in reply to mnottertail)
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RE: Pride Issues Common? - 8/3/2006 4:16:06 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mp072004
3) You're a dominant personality, and presumably, you like yourself that way. I don't quite understand why you want to become submissive. If you're resisting it, you're probably not doing what you actually want to do.


I'm a dominant personality. I will absolutely go in and take over almost any situation. However, when meeting someone that is mentally stronger than I am.....I become submissive. I've met very few men that bring that out in me. That does not mean that I'm not submissive, just that particular Dominant wasn't the right Dominant for me.

It's not about being taken. It's about trusting someone else enough to be able to give up that control. Which is a tough proposition when you hold the belief that if you want something done right, do it yourself.

I'm very blessed in Master. He is one of those few people that I feel it radiate off of him.....and he makes my knees weak. Have I struggled with my submission at times? You betcha. But, we also have an open and honest relationship where we can talk things through. Submission wasn't an easy thing for me, but we both appreciate it all the more for the hard work and effort that went into it.

So, if you're struggling with this, first sit down and tell him. It's quite hard to throw away all of the emotional red tapes that we were raised with and it will take some effort from both of you. What worked for me was little reminders. For instance: I'm not allowed to open my own doors. It instantly took away some of my independence.

Good luck.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 8/3/2006 4:23:02 PM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to mp072004)
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RE: Pride Issues Common? - 8/3/2006 4:17:15 PM   
BillsGalSusan


Posts: 69
Joined: 7/18/2006
Status: offline 		I personally don't see any contradiction between being an alpha female in the world and a submissive to your boyfriend/Dominant/Master. That being said, if you are really crazy about the guy, and really enjoy the M/s or D/s nature of your relationship, I don't really "get" your hesitancy to use the word he prefers Is it possible that you need to talk all of this through a bit to make sure you are on the same page as he is in terms of the extent to which that dynamic defines your relationship?

FWIW, I never call Bill Master, well, sometimes I do when I think he is being silly and stubborn  Then I call him Mister Master as a way for him to step  back and see how funny what is happening seems to me. I did it Sunday when I was (literally) up to my elbows in something really messy in the kitchen and he demanded my immediate attention to find the remote. I crawled into the den, my BBQ sauce covered arms extended up over my head and Mister Mastered him until we were both rolling on the ground laughing and both covered with sauce.   

I suspect your situation is somewhat different.

Another Susan

< Message edited by BillsGalSusan -- 8/3/2006 4:28:42 PM >

(in reply to mp072004)
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RE: Pride Issues Common? - 8/3/2006 4:31:16 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Finally................

So you are capable of intelligent thought.  You are capable of standing on your own two feet.  You are capable of demanding respect in the world.  And without a doubt a  whole lot more.

Let's just call this pride for shits and giggles.
So you are also capable of subsuming your thoughts to another.  You are also capable of kneeling.  You are capable of accepting humiliation in the right circumstance.........
You are capable of questioning (I didn't look but safe to say) some 20 years of mental brainwashing to the contrary, getting off your ass and discovering that the world may be different for each and every one of us than a generalization/nazificated and rigorous moral majority opinion of what is perfect.

How is it you cannot beam with pride at that?  You may think you are all the world, and indeed you are all the world to somebody right now.

This shit is supposed to be fun as well as fulfilling, do not now overwroth yourself with perceptions of imperfect pedantics of how the world should work.

Glory and revel in your joy, for you have found yourself. Certainly, examine yourself now that you know where you are, but each person will truely go to their stones alone, love.  Only you can prevent forest fires, so give up the bad self-talk.  Take pride in your slavery, submission whatever you call it.  Be the best. That is the end of the joke. Take that to your stones.

Sincerely,
Ron


_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to CeliaRose)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Pride Issues Common? - 8/3/2006 4:35:42 PM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		Pride is a weird thing. I take great pride in being a good slave for my Sir and i am very proud when i please Him. On the other hand my pride has on occasion prevented me from doing something whole hearted for Masters in the past. I think everyone should have pride in themselves but it is a fine line at times.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Pride Issues Common? - 8/3/2006 4:39:06 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Exactly love, and that's what needs sorting, good pride, bad pride, good self talk and bad self talk.  Wonder in amazement at shit for a bit, but dont get in an argument with yourself about it. "Cause one of you two is gonna lose.........

I am so goddamn bad I gotta beat up on my ownself, cause there ain't no other motherfucker bad enough to do it...........

This should be the slaves mantra.

Ron

edited because I cant make sense (not that editing accomplished a damn thing.)


< Message edited by mnottertail -- 8/3/2006 4:41:05 PM >

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to missturbation)
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RE: Pride Issues Common? - 8/3/2006 4:39:08 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Your issue of becoming comfy and securei n a relationship as a sub is exceedingly common.

I say just give yourself time.  As you become comfortable, relaxed and secure in this dynamic together, you will let yourself be yourself.  You won't worry so much about who you SHOULD be or how you SHOULD act- and simply go into yourself.

And cockiness, arrogance and pride is not necessarily a bad thing in a submissive or a slave.  If your boyfriend wants to moderate it, he can help you with that, otherwise, just use it as any trait of yourself. 

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to CeliaRose)
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RE: Pride Issues Common? - 8/3/2006 4:40:26 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CeliaRose
-Mandy (I know, I know "mandy")

You know from what?  Do what works for YOU- not some stereotypical cyber rule says.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to CeliaRose)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Pride Issues Common? - 8/3/2006 7:41:14 PM   
Fawne


Posts: 462
Status: offline 		Greetings!
 
Pride can be felt for doing a good job, right? Service to one's master is a job of sorts. So, why not pride in that type work?
 
Pride as being too good for... that's another thing.
 
I was brought up very old fashioned. To cater to a man etc. All the women in my family are like that.
 
My brother was sent to college, Dad paid.  I went to college - on money I earned, some help from my kind, departed grandmother, grants, and student loans.   Nice, huh? Talk about old school!  Both of us became successful BTW. 
 
The point of my story is: I had to struggle to cover my submissive nature to succeed in this cold world. I am not what you would call a feminist.
 
Sometimes, in one relationship, I had trouble showing my inner self. That part of me he wanted.  I didn't always understand his training.
    
 I felt vulnerable- which is good, but to tear down those walls I had fought to build to live in this world today - threatened me.
 
I acted bratty, I guess. It wasn't pride, but fear at my only, last defense dropping. Dropping at his feet, as he truly did dominate all of me.
 
I regret my confusion. My clarity is returning.... but?
What is the future?  Am I lost? 
 
Please understand: your brain and soul, heart - upbringing may be at conflict. But, you need to release, let down your barriers (and it isn't easy for some of us)  to be free in bonded happiness .
 
In peace, fawne

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Pride Issues Common? - 8/3/2006 10:22:36 PM   
callher


Posts: 1
Joined: 8/2/2006
Status: offline 		i m ,young submissive man ,i want to met your.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Pride Issues Common? - 8/3/2006 10:31:05 PM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		Actually you do not have to lower case your name if you're a sub, only if your Master insists you do.  If he doesn't great Capitalize proper pro nouns and stuff.

I personally won't lower case proper grammar to stroke some dude's ego. The one I submit to doesn't need me to lower case letters to know I am his.
quote:

ORIGINAL: CeliaRose

-Mandy (I know, I know "mandy")


< Message edited by FelinePersuasion -- 8/3/2006 10:41:55 PM >

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RE: Pride Issues Common? - 8/4/2006 2:57:53 AM   
obis


Posts: 412
Joined: 9/9/2005
From: Austin, TX, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CeliaRose
... we've been in this scene for a few months now... but I feel I have so much pride... I've always been a feminist, with a dominant personality, yet I've had these desires for YEARS. Now when I finally get to live them out, even though I LOVE it, and get so much out of serving, I'm so cocky about it sometimes.

Is this common? Does the outer love to serve come with time? I feel like I'm failing in some way. :(

-Mandy (I know, I know "mandy")


Mandy (only you and your master get a vote on whether you have to do the lowercase thing)-

I think you're going through a very typical adjustment. Fantasizing and knowing that it is what you want is obviously very different from the practical reality. You have to reconcile the daily acts of submission with what you may feel is a betrayal of some feminist ideals (it isn't, but of course only you can convince yourself of that). I know as a dominant raised in a VERY feminist household, it took me several years during college to really accept that I wasn't doing anything "wrong" treating my girl the way I did, because it was what we both wanted and enjoyed.

I wasn't using the power of the patriarchy to reinforce her oppression, I was getting her off, and having a great time while doing it. You have to accept the other side -- that you're not being dominated because you're a helpless female oppressed by a society through your master, but because given the option you chose of your own free will to get on your knees and serve him.

Also, if he's only been doing this a few months, he's still finding his own bearings, which means he isn't 100% in control all of the time, and you probably respond to his weak moments and challenge him unconsciously. If you're strong, you need him to show he's even stronger, and that kind of challenging isn't unusual with new relationships. The key there is for him to know that he needs to slap you down (figuratively or literally) EVERY time you step out of line. It's easy for a master to rationalize letting little things go because he/you are tired, had a long day, are still learning, etc. In the beginning, even the little things have to be addressed so there is no question on either side who is in charge.

(in reply to CeliaRose)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Pride Issues Common? - 8/4/2006 3:42:59 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		I must admit I haven't had too many problems with 'pride' in my girls, but then I tend to build their pride in possitive things. Pride in themselves, in their achievements, pride in their service.

If 'pride' is getting in the way then just maybe they are not taking pride enough in their own submissive nature..... so really it is less likely to be pride in the way, but insecurity and an inability to break free of the social conditioning that tells them there is something 'wrong' in wanting to serve another.


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to CeliaRose)
Profile   Post #: 20
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