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How Common are D/s Relationships Really? - 12/14/2004 4:33:04 PM

anthrosub

Posts: 843
Joined: 6/2/2004
Status: offline

In talking with my former Owner about my quest to find a Partner for a long-term D/s relationship, i was told she belongs to a group exclusively for Dommes. She told me she was shocked at finding out the great majority of them only have part-time subs serving them. Further, she posed the idea that perhaps there aren't really all that many involved with each other in a live-in or LTR to begin with and maybe the few who do post or make themselves visible online simple give those on the outside looking in the impression that it's much more prevalent than it actually is.

i thought i would post this to see what others may have to say on the subject.

Sincerely,
anthrosub

_____________________________

"It is easier to fool people than it is to convince them they have been fooled." - Mark Twain

"I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde

Post #: 1

RE: How Common are D/s Relationships Really? - 12/14/2004 9:52:05 PM

MistressFire70

Posts: 378
Joined: 7/25/2004
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

I think there are several reasons LTR or 24/7 live-in relationship might not happen.

1) The woman is married.
2) The woman has children
a) that she does not want to risk having taken away from her due to exposure to her kink.
b) that she doesn't want to risk loosing child support or alimoney due to her kink.
c) that she wishes to finish raising first.
3) The woman is not called to Mastery and just wants play partners (nothing wrong with this).
4) The woman just hasn't found the right sub or slave.

Of course, similar ones come from the sub side.

I know women who are in all of the above situations. Just my thoughts.

Fire

_____________________________

you have come to a great chasm. Jump. It's not as wide as you think.

(in reply to anthrosub)

Post #: 2

RE: How Common are D/s Relationships Really? - 12/15/2004 12:06:54 AM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

I don't feel it's any more impossible than a vanila relationship (yah know the high divorce rate, and that's with a state/religion sanctioned relationship, the dissolution of the aptly named nuclear family?); it's VERY difficult to find someone with whom you share similar interests, you're both single and looking to commit, and you're both willing to trust and take it further. Having experienced power struggles in vanila, and finding it a huge pain in my derriere, I would like to meet a sub, where that part is already worked out...
As for reasons people don't connect, read MistressFire's response, add additonal issues each person brings to relationship, which make it difficult to not fall apart.
My $.02... Ms M

(in reply to anthrosub)

Post #: 3

RE: How Common are D/s Relationships Really? - 12/15/2004 2:49:02 AM

MissP

Posts: 103
Joined: 10/1/2004
Status: offline

Relationships are sticky subjects at the best of times - adding a D/s element just makes it that bit harder to find an ideal match!

That having been said, I'm in a long term D/s relationship, and we know quite a few couples who are too. So it's maybe not as elusive as it may sometimes seem

_____________________________

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http://www.mistress-p.co.uk/

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

Post #: 4

RE: How Common are D/s Relationships Really? - 12/15/2004 1:41:09 PM

gentlesubmissive

Posts: 13
Joined: 12/14/2004
Status: offline

Could it also be that many submissive men want so badly to be in a committed relationship, that they don't give the domme enough time to find out about him. It takes time to develop a good relationship, and many men start stepping on their tongues as soon as they find a woman who is will to indulge them in their fantacies. I believe taking it slow and easy might be the best thing. Give her the space she needs to decide.

(in reply to anthrosub)

Post #: 5

RE: How Common are D/s Relationships Really? - 12/15/2004 3:28:22 PM

alwayzron

Posts: 234
Joined: 9/23/2004
Status: offline

quote:

many submissive men want so badly to be in a committed relationship,

I've only known one such submissive male. All the rest are happy just to be the 'play toy' of numerous Dommes.

(in reply to gentlesubmissive)

Post #: 6

RE: How Common are D/s Relationships Really? - 12/15/2004 6:50:55 PM

Jasmyn

Posts: 1234
Joined: 2/6/2004
From: New Zealand
Status: offline

I was speaking with a sub boy yesterday about something similar to this. He had originally met Me five years ago when I was still finding My place in the world so to speak, and he commented on the change within Me from quiet timid girl wielding a whip, to being the strong confident woman now before him who neither needs a whip or a title to be who I am.

I was delighted to reassure him just how true his observations were, as it doesnt matter to Me whether I have a slave 24/7 by My side or not. Sure having subs to dom and whips to weild and tasks to set and all the other glorious things that come with being a Fem Dom are important...but they are really just icing on the cake in the end.

What I have got is the ability to be Me and not make any apologies for it.

In relation to your thread anthrosub, whether I am or without a sub at the time, no one who knows Me would question that I am a genuine Fem Dom at heart. Perhaps not having a fulltime sub/slave suits these women...and if that is their choice and they are true to that choice...you can't get much more dominant than that.

Good luck on your search.

Jasmyn

(in reply to alwayzron)

Post #: 7

RE: How Common are D/s Relationships Really? - 12/16/2004 7:18:03 AM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

I'm also part of a Domme/ male sub only organization. Almost every Domme there has a long term submissive. Some live together, some are what you're probably calling "part time."

Just because a Domme and sub do not live together doesn't make them part time. Just as in the vanilla world, there are levels of involvement. There is casual dating, which means you see someone, enjoy being with them, and don't think much about them between times. There is a beginning relationship, where the people are learning about each other and more involved in each other's lives. There are things given to be done when separate and there is contact via phone or mail while apart. You get more involvement as you go along. You can't just declare a relationship. It develops over time.

Some of the problem is that many subs don't bother to court a Dominant woman. They want to throw themselves at her feet and worship and serve. They don't care so much who SHE is as a person. As they get to know each other, they learn they don't really like each other and move on. We have to match not only interests and all that vanilla do, we have to match kinks as well. Relationship goals also must match. Not everyone has time or energy to be into BDSM full time. Most of the subs I meet are men with submissive fantasy. They LIKE serving for a limited amount of time and in certain settings. They may fantasize about living as a submissive, but the actuality would horrify them. I find that men who are true submissives (and I do not use true as a value judgement.. to me it means that they are someone who would like to and are suited temperamentally to live a 24/7 lifestyle) are very rare. The old adage about subs being a dime a dozen is true. Throw a rock, you'll hit a submissive man. Good submissive men are as rare as Domme. A lot of the short term relationships are Domme weeding thru the chaff to find the gem.

You need to widen your search to more real time than online venues. It is hard to get to know someone online. The best way to get to a real time relationship is by being friends with someone first. When you meet someone online there is always the fact that contact is trying to achieve a result. You probably already know about these orgs, but in case you don't..
http://www.thesacredgarden.org/
http://www.bess-md.org/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/baltimore-bdsm/

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to anthrosub)

Post #: 8

RE: How Common are D/s Relationships Really? - 12/22/2004 6:46:31 PM

roughleather

Posts: 232
Joined: 11/11/2004
Status: offline

The kinky scene in SF is about 400 people, I'n told by one of the major club organizers. That seems about right. You see the same people over and over again.

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 9

RE: How Common are D/s Relationships Really? - 12/22/2004 9:12:44 PM

MistressDyna

Posts: 7
Joined: 9/17/2004
Status: offline

Or at least they THINK they want to be in a committed relationship. It seems that the more I am around web sites with message boards and chat rooms, as opposed to Ad only, I find the greater majority are filled with those who apparently have a fairy tale, or 'perfect' situation in mind, when they are being subjective about their wants and needs and those of others. When it gets down to the nitty gritty of meeting in person to find out, or realizing the 'reality' of a true D/s or any other kind of kink relationship, they come up with many 'good' reasons NOT to do so. I think there are many more who are only interested in the theory of what they say they seek, rather than the reality of it.

But in answer to the question of Dommes and LTRs, I think it depends on the circle one runs in. I have some good personal domme friends that have solid permanent relationships with their sub/slaves that are LTR, but again...some of us only short term, some are still looking for the right one that meets different criteria than others.

However, if a person is only involved in online circles, knowledge is naturally going to be limited. When you get out in the world and visit clubs, fests, munches and other kink-only places, you begin to understand the variety of relationships there are and that LTR is not as uncommon as one would think.

(in reply to gentlesubmissive)

Post #: 10

RE: How Common are D/s Relationships Really? - 12/22/2004 10:14:32 PM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline

I think many answers to your posting have already been addressed. I, Myself, did lay back for many years while raising My children. And yes, there are many out there who, I am sure, are very sincere in their desires to "serve", but the reality of 24/7 is not what they imagine, so they continue to seek their personal ideal. And W/we all should do so, but, I often find that these ideals are unrealistic for Me, so I continue to seek. Real Life/Real Time 24/7 is not always ideal even in the best of marriages. Both partners have to be committed and have to work at it.
It is difficult to find the "perfect" LTR. And when there are many miles in between, and re-location is also a necessity if things should move in the right direction, it is even harder. Having a live-in or live-ins is also a huge responsibility, so as a Domina, I want to make sure too.
I have come to respect your postings and opinions. I know you are very sincere. But there is something I notice which seems important to Me to address.
Anthrosub...you say you were speaking to your "former Owner", and I wonder that you have a "former Owner". Why is She former? Did you live-in? Were you part time? If so, why? Since you have a "fomer Owner" it seems that you have already experienced, first hand, the reality, and for some reason it didn't work out for you. Perhaps for the same reasons, it does not work out for others, and many do not even get as far as you did.

< Message edited by GoddessDustyGold -- 12/22/2004 10:16:04 PM >

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
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Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

(in reply to anthrosub)

Post #: 11

RE: How Common are D/s Relationships Really? - 12/23/2004 5:02:05 AM

anthrosub

Posts: 843
Joined: 6/2/2004
Status: offline

Dear Mistress DustyGold,
Thank You for raising the question about my former Owner. i served a married Domme, part-time for roughly 8 months. The relationship ended late last March as it was creating such a conflict of emotions within me that i asked to be released. i truly enjoyed serving her and the stronger and more successful things became, the more i found myself wishing to have a full-time, long term relationship which of course is impossible. This is what i'm seeking and my time serving her just confirmed it all the more.

i hope this answers Your questions.

Sincerely,
sterling

_____________________________

"It is easier to fool people than it is to convince them they have been fooled." - Mark Twain

"I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde

(in reply to GoddessDustyGold)

Post #: 12

RE: How Common are D/s Relationships Really? - 12/23/2004 10:11:30 AM

Moleculor

Posts: 189
Joined: 5/23/2004
Status: offline

quote:

How Common are D/s Relationships Really?

I know my PARENTS are in a D/s relationship, even if it certainly isn't an informed one. (i.e. they haven't a clue they're in one)

(in reply to anthrosub)

Post #: 13

RE: How Common are D/s Relationships Really? - 12/23/2004 10:17:26 AM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

In my opinion everyone everywhere in the world who is in a relationship is in a D/s relationship.
I guess I should clarify and say, every sucessful relationship is a D/s relationship.
However, I should also say, some are not informed as Molecular says. Some do not play.
The mental aspect is clear though.
In every relationship there are defined lines of conduct. You do this and I do that. Is that not D/s? Just because one is not enlightened on the lifestyle does not mean one does not live it.

My parents were never enlightened yet my mother was clearly my father's slave. My siblings were never enlightened yet there was a clear power exchange in their households. No matter who you talk to, there is D/s somehow involved in their relationship. If I tell you to take out the trash and you obey, have I not given you an order which you submitted to?

(in reply to anthrosub)

Post #: 14

RE: How Common are D/s Relationships Really? - 12/23/2004 5:52:02 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

I know my PARENTS are in a D/s relationship, even if it certainly isn't an informed one. (i.e. they haven't a clue they're in one)

That sounds like me and Hubby for 34 years before i learned about this lifestyle and that it had a name. Except now we have extended it to the bedroom.

< Message edited by proudsub -- 12/23/2004 5:53:26 PM >

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proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to Moleculor)

Post #: 15

RE: How Common are D/s Relationships Really? - 12/23/2004 9:53:45 PM

ShadeDiva

Posts: 1005
Joined: 3/31/2004
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: roughleather

The kinky scene in SF is about 400 people, I'n told by one of the major club organizers. That seems about right. You see the same people over and over again.

Wow. Then I wonder how Odysessy holds parties with 800 (I believe those were the larger ones? Bailey would know better than I).

And gosh PowerExchange would hold more than 400.

There's more than 400 kinky people in the bay area. lol. By far. And thank GOD for that! Woohoo!

~ShadeDiva

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~ShadeDiva
My projects of love:
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Kinked
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(in reply to roughleather)

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RE: How Common are D/s Relationships Really? - 12/23/2004 10:45:36 PM

stef

Posts: 10215
Joined: 1/26/2004
Status: offline

Maybe there's 400 True Dominate Masters there

~stef

_____________________________

Welcome to PoliticSpace! If you came here expecting meaningful BDSM discussions, boy are you in the wrong place.

"Hypocrisy has consequences"

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Post #: 17

RE: How Common are D/s Relationships Really? - 12/26/2004 4:53:42 AM

LuvSponge

Posts: 109
Joined: 4/11/2004
Status: offline

.

< Message edited by LuvSponge -- 12/26/2004 10:04:40 AM >

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Post #: 18

RE: How Common are D/s Relationships Really? - 12/29/2004 1:18:10 PM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

well anthrosub, here is My $.02 on the subject--a LTR D/s relationship requires the right chemistry to begin with-- after the latex meets the road, or fantasy crashes into reality. W/we tend to think that after we have chatted with our potential partner that the rockets will go off--and then reality creeps in--you can't keep someone in a cage 24/7 in an LTR--life sneaks in, there are still bills to be paid, issues to deal with, hell conversations to be had--and that takes a great deal of commitment on the ying and yang of a D/s relationship--many like have been mentioned here just want the part time and the freedom from the responsibility the rest of the time--I'm not bashing that, but a LTR D/s is deep in the head and heart as you well know-- its like vanilla its there but it takes a lot of looking--a lot more looking I think--for the sub I find, you may be great chained and suspended from the ceiling when I'm in a mood, but I still have to face you over coffee--Mistress Hathor

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Post #: 19

RE: How Common are D/s Relationships Really? - 12/29/2004 3:06:46 PM

LadyTantalize

Posts: 242
Joined: 4/13/2004
Status: offline

First, I feel the individuals in the relationship are the ONLY ONES who can define their relationship, and I agree with the postings that most everyone is in a D/s relationship, as there is always a giver and a taker in a relationship, most often.

Secondly, for some, their submissive or dominant personality is not necessarily rooted in BDSM, so in My opinion, what others may not perceive as being a M/s, D/s, BDSM relationship actually is, but in more of an individual variation. I feel that collars can be mental and just as strong and important as the ones physically worn and visible to those outside the relationship. Bonds of ownership/servitude, etc., should not be judged or categorized by anyone other than those in the relationship.

This thread is actually very interesting to Me, as I too wonder how many actual committed long-term D/s relationships are out there in whatever format they exist!!??? And, are the part-times more successful in term, or the vanilla-based ones, the strict slavery - which ones LAST is what makes Me ponder???? I see so many "collared" relationships start, but I don't know that many that have lasted long term!! Now, this may get Me flamed, but.....

I hear so often of so many in M/s 24/7 r/l relationships who live by stringent protocols, slavery, D/s, yada yada yada, but when I ask how many years those relationships have lasted, I'm not hearing many that are long term. And, in what context does the slavery and servitude exist within the "vanilla" relationship? Is there any "vanilla" and if not, does that work 24/7 long term??? To Me, a non-live-in situation makes the relationship no less 24/7, nor less M/s or D/s, but I do think those that live together have a different context possibly to their relationship merely due to the reality of living with someone. Let Me tell you, it ain't easy, and for some submissives (like Mine) it can also get very confusing, as the "fantasy" of it all does not always combine in a nice package with the reality of day-to-day life with a Dominant!

Personal Examples:
I ain't too pretty all the time. (shhhhh, don't tell!)
When I'm sick, I'm a BITCH and I do not want to be bothered.
Sometimes I just do not want to deal with the responsibility of being the boss.
Sometimes I do not want to be the D of a D/s life, I just want to "be" for a bit!
Sometimes I do not want to make all the decisions.
Sometimes I want someone to tell Me I am making a mistake, or this dress looks horrible, or that I talk too much.
Most times, I do not want to discipline, I just want it done.
If I tell My sub-hub to get on top and fuck the hell out of Me, I am no less a Domme.

Anyway, not sure if I am getting a point across, just musing here today, I guess! *big chuckles*

I am married. He (yes with a capital H) is My "bedroom slave", My submissive, My boy-toy, and whatever-the-hell else that I want him to be, when I want him to be it, unless he's cranky, and he is allowed because, guess what, he's a human being!! Long ago, we were termed "not real", some just called us "just kinky", and I thought "whatever". He does not wear a collar all of the time, he does not kneel when I enter the room, unless I tell him too. I've heard it all - I'm too nice (they took that back when I got out My single-tail!! *evil grin*), I'm not enough of a disciplinarian because I don't believe a human is too work 14 hours in one day serving Me with no food or sleep, or that a sub's needs do not need to be met. Slave or not, Dom/me or not, we are all humans with needs and yes, limitations. So, who out there is to exactly determine what a "D/s 24/7 relatioship is anyway, I ask. Ahh, I digress... Anyway, My husband is an independant, free-thinker with spirit and even a stubborn streak, but he would cut off his own dick rather than loose Me, I am the Boss everyday, all day, and he is in a million ways that some BDSM folk do not see... a slave to My soul!

And, ten years later he still is....

while many I've known in other more "formal, visible" D/s, M/s, BDSM 24/7 live-in and part-time relationships that have not lasted.

So, this question made Me wonder too, how many are out there and how many have actually lasted over five years????

Yes, I wonder....

especially when I think back to long ago, and those that said "not real"....

and I laugh, because ten years is a hell of a long time to keep something going that ain't real - vanilla, D/s, leather or otherwise!!

*big, wicked grins*

Anyhoo, whew, My musings for the day were scattered and for that I do apologize, but a good question of which I was curious about as well.

Wishes for a wonderful New Year to all,

Lady T.

Lady Tatiana Tantalize
Atlanta's Sadistic Southern Belle
http://www.ladytantalize.net

(in reply to anthrosub)

Post #: 20

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