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RE: Honesty Backfired - 12/15/2004 7:53:40 PM   
INSIDEYOURMIND


Posts: 483
Status: offline
quote:

when it comes to dealing with men


It happens on both sides of the fence, why take a well thought out post, and use it to slam men? The issue of trust and honesty is a basic cornerstone of a healthy relationship be it BDSM, vanilla, chocolate, or any other damn flavor.

quote:

I think it's immature bullshit gameplaying


The only immature bullshit is making general statements from a pulpit that doesn't see the whole picture. With an opinion such as yours, I can see why you may think you are superior to men. You are certainly a legend in your own mind.

_____________________________

If I got smart with you.................
How would you know?

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Honesty Backfired - 12/15/2004 9:53:13 PM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline 		Midear Dally-

OK- now that I have a better grip on the situation, I can offer the following observations:

quote:

yes, we had chatted for over a month or so, we had a million things in common, his personality was terrific, we met in real life and connected perfectly, but all in all i really do not consider that grounds for completely trusting anyone....


I don't know about 'completely' trusting someone- that is a matter of degrees that may take years- but, I would offer that he can never earn your trust if you do not offer it. I would say that having met him, chatted and discovered so much in common, you should have been able to trust him to some extent- not completely, but it should go a long way.

quote:

i asked if he was serious about any of the subs he had mentioned he was mentoring......


Oh- well... I f he is 'mentoring' several others online, he is clueless and you are best shut of him.

Although I may still 'mentor' a submissive, I would only do it real time these days, as I will only mentor a dominat real time. if you want to be an online person, stay online. if you want to do this stuff for real, show up afew times, and then I will consider you a protege.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to dally)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Honesty Backfired - 12/15/2004 10:44:01 PM   
ShadowKnight


Posts: 40
Joined: 12/7/2004
From: Missoula, Montana
Status: offline 		Guess that is one way to get a cheap shot in at Men. Not all Men are like that. But then the same thing can be said of women too. Just because there are a few bad apples are you going to let it spoil everything?

_____________________________

What is weightier than gold yet depresses no scale?

The collar is put on from without, but what it encircles comes from within. Slavery, true slavery, comes from within.

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Honesty Backfired - 12/15/2004 11:51:18 PM   
EStrict


Posts: 729
Joined: 1/11/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I'm very sorry about your experiences, but they're not that uncommon (when it comes to dealing with men);


Hmmmm.. could it be just the way they react to you? I mean sure, I've met men like that, but over all I have found women to be much more secretive, full of lies, and lacking the ability to be truthful than I ever have men. I have been lied to or mislead by more women than I ever have been men. It's one of the reasons I prefer men even as friends in general.

_____________________________

Sandy

Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway...

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Honesty Backfired - 12/16/2004 3:17:13 AM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline
Establishing a relationship takes time. Did you meet him more than once? Did you ever play? How much trust were you willing to give him? What part of the relationship did you not trust? What was it that scared you? Being out of control? Letting someone else tie you up? Blindfold you? A deep mistrust can make a Dominant feel you're going to need so much time and energy to win over, that they'll look elsewhere. It doesn't sound like this is what you did, but it is possible. Some people have a rather low tolerance for working to "tame" a sub. They want a trained, mindreading sub to drop in their lap.

It sounds more to me like the issue was personal trust, ie, if he was being faithful to you. A lot of men are loath to give up their freedom. If you make them feel cornered they run. Another thing that can cause some men to run is needy behaviour. While honesty is a good thing, you can overshare. Feeling insecure is one thing.. telling him about it every time can seem overwhelming to anybody if you're a very insecure person. From your photo, you seem like you might be a BBW. (I myself am.) Our society tends to make people self conscious about their weight, and unless a woman has a very good ego, she can end up with some nasty self esteem problems. It can be hard for her to understand how any man could find her desirable. Rather than accepting that a man does, there is the tendency to watch for unfaithfulness; to question him and his motives. An example of this is you asking about how close he was with the mentored subs. Did you have a reason other than he'd seemed distant? Sometimes, it is better to ask why someone seems distant than to think you know what the cause may be. He may have been having a hard week or another thing unrelated to you that was making him distant. We've all been cheated on at sometime in our past. It is easy to paint a new lover with the distrust you learned from an old one. Do not trust blindly, but also do not go around making it so you don't trust at all.

I've been seeing someone just over a month. Before we decided we wanted to try a "relationship" he'd made plans to attend a slave auction. He felt a bit funny about the whole thing, but I encouraged him to attend. He'd made a commitment and it was for charity. I told him what I'd not want to happen and sent him off to have a good time with others. When he told me about it afterwards, he told me that if the auction had been a month earlier, he'd have been thrilled at who bought him (a pair of very good looking women.) He also told me that while the auction had been ok overall, something had been missing.. me. I could have chosen to be hurt that he expressed interest in the women who bought him or I could have chosen to be touched that he wished I'd been there. I chose to be touched. As long as we are secure either in ourselves or in our partners feelings for us, it is easy to choose the being touched side. It is harder to do that when you have personal insecurities. (and you know what hon, we ALL have them.. nothing to be ashamed of, just overcome.) You need to realize your own worth. YOU are valuable. You're lovely and from your writing you seem both sweet and well educated. I suggest you sit and think about why you felt the need to question him. Was it something in him or in you. I also suggest you write him a nice letter telling him you'd like to understand what happened. Be very mature.. no mud slinging, no whining, no I-want-you-back. Just a simple request for information. Try to get his side of things. It can be helpful in how you approach your next relationship.

ok, NOW.. why is he "mentoring" subs? I understand that some Dom/me do that, but in my estimation, you need a mentor of the same orientation. Subs have issues that Dom/me can not understand. If the Dominant is a switch or started as the other role, I guess it could work, but overall.. I don't understand everything that motivates a sub. I'll be a subs friend. I'll listen to their problems. I'll let them cry on my shoulder. I'm a highly intuitive person and very empathic, but for real mentoring, I find them another sub.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to dally)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Honesty Backfired - 12/16/2004 5:35:13 AM   
dally


Posts: 108
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		Beach Mystress,
You hit it right on the nail....i am insecure, for the reasons you stated, i am a bbw and it definately makes it very difficult to accept the fact that anyone might like me for me without there being am alterior motive. I probably do have some kind of issue with trust, although i am not a jealous person, or insanely jealous rather, i just question their motives. I have a wild imagination at times, that combined with watching a lot of "cold case files" and "unsolved mysteries" lol...leads me to be maybe even too cautious, i start wondering if maybe he's a serial killer or if he's really who he says he is....being a single mother i feel like i have to be extra cautious of who i bring into my life, which is probably why i am still alone.
I also have never lived a 24/7 D/s relationship, i hasd a Master before but we would see eachother on and off and i always maintained a control over my submission and the relationship. So, all of the above just makes it difficult for me to surrender myself to someone without question. I had only met him in person once, he seemed like a really nice guy, we clicked in many aspects, but i was still being very cautious.
As far as me being "needy" i probably did come across to him as that, i don't know. I don't feel like i am a real "needy" person but who knows, i may be wrong.
The fact that he was mentoring other subs didn't bother me at first but as i thought more about it i began wondering what exactly did that mean, was he an online dom to them? what exactly was his relationship with these mystery subs he was coming in contact with online, which brought me to that question ... i didnt feel at the time i was "questioning" him, i honestly just wanted to make sure we were still on the same page, i don't like surprises and thought it would be good to just ask and i was hoping he'd clear up any doubt i might of had in my mind.....of course that wasn't the case.
Well, thank you very much for your post, it was really very helpful and enlightening.
~hugs~
dally

quote:

And those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music --Angela Monet







Attachment (1)

(in reply to BeachMystress)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Honesty Backfired - 12/16/2004 12:41:23 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline 		To Insideyourmind and Shadowknight:
My Apologies to the relatively healthy/honest and respectful men...
My opinion stands that pulling away from someone who's opened up to you (after you asked) without talking out/explaining is immature, inconsidearate and BS.
Thanks Insideyourmind, about the legend comment.
The post as I understand was about what I thought, not what I thought that 100% of the people on the boards would agree with.
I'd be interested in learning how many men have had similar experiences with women (her feeling less close because you showed your vulnerabilities).
Ms M

< Message edited by BlkTallFullfig -- 12/16/2004 1:49:53 PM >

(in reply to ShadowKnight)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Honesty Backfired - 12/17/2004 4:30:33 PM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline
Silly little girl :-) It is ok. *big hug* There are people out there who will like YOU for YOU. Those are the people worth your time. There are a lot of Dom/me who prefer BBW. I am constantly hit on by local Dom hoping I'm a switch (which I am not.) BBW have larger breasts, hips and buttocks, which really sends some men into orbit.

There is also the fact that we are often stronger than tiny women. We do constant weight lifting. *grins* If a BBW gives you her submission, it is a true gift because she could stop you at any point in time. I am not saying that thin girl submission isn't a gift, it is just a different type. Many of my subs have been enchanted by my strength. They know if sweet words and persuasion don't work to keep them in line, I can and will physically enforce my will.

Now, we're going to address a little bit of your feeling of inferiority. I've been a BBW my whole dating life. I started dating at 15 and have never lacked the type of partner I wanted, be it boyfriend, booty call or sub. The reason for this is I KNOW my worth. I know my strong points and work to enhance those. I know my weak areas and try to mitigate their effect on my life. I know I'm smart, sexy, educated, highly sexual, empathic, nurturing, down to earth, good looking, have a great sense of humor, am loyal to a fault and more. I also know I can be moody, demanding, autocratic, introverted, needy, insecure and shy. My positives far outweigh my negatives. I'm a great catch. (*grins* I'm not conceited, I'm convinced.) Sometimes we need outside help to see our worth. Talking to a therapist may help you. Bolstering your self image will impact your entire life.

Unfortunately, the sad fact is that some men will overlook your weight to get a submissive. There are more men seeking in both the Dominant and submissive arenas than there are women. It can be a real pain in the butt weeding out the men who are willing to be with a BBW because they can't find anyone else and those who WANT a BBW or truly do not care about size. You're worth someone who is enamoured of every facet of you. Hold out for him. One of the ways I check for this is who they've has as partners in the past or who they seem to be interested in. A guy who shows more than a passing interest in any thin girl goes on my watch list. This man may be omnivorous (not caring about size) or he could turn out to be overlooking your weight to get a partner. I have no problems with a man who prefers thin women. We all have our preferences. Personally, I prefer a man with a nice penis. I want it to be good sized and pretty. No, I can't explain what makes it pretty.. just some are and some aren't. You can bet that if a sub is with me more than once or twice, he has a nice cock. Is this ruling out a lot of otherwise wonderful subs? Yes. Just as my size rules me out for some people. It is the way of life. Accept it. Don't feel bad about it. You could be ruled out for having the wrong color eyes or hair just as easily. Chemistry is a very tricky thing...

I really think you should attend a munch group. I don't say this just because I think everyone should get out and socialize real time. I think you personally would greatly benefit from the friendships and support system offered by such. There is a munch tonight!!
Friday December 17, 2004
6:00 pm - 8:00 pm
This event repeats on the third Friday of every month.
Event Location: Bermuda Bar - 3509 NE 163 Street
Street: 3509 NE 163 Street
City, State, Zip: North Miami Beach
Notes:
BSDM Social - Vanilla dress - Come and meet like minded individuals
You're probably too shy to just show up. Go to the group and post a request for help. Most munch organizers are more than happy to help a newbie get their feet wet. The home group for this munch seems to be http://groups.yahoo.com/group/southfloridabdsmclub/
Some other links for you also:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/MiamiMunch/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/1a-sofla-bdsm/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/FloridaSubSpace/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/SoFlaBDSM/
http://www.abusementparkent.com/

Now.. as a sub you are probably receptive to the orders of a Dominant. I order you to recognize your worth! (Did that work?) Ok, it will take a bit more work than that. I wish it were that easy. Do work on it. I promise you, you are worth it. *hugs*

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to dally)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Honesty Backfired - 12/17/2004 5:29:26 PM   
MC2044


Posts: 31
Joined: 8/8/2004
Status: offline 		dally,

Honesty is always the best policy. If in being honest, a dom pulls or runs away from you, take that as a blessing. It shows them as rude and inconsiderate, if nothing else, and most likely that is not something you need in a dom.

(in reply to dally)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Honesty Backfired - 12/23/2004 9:30:37 AM   
peacefulkitten


Posts: 2
Joined: 5/24/2004
Status: offline 		dally: if you were in CA i would say "we need to talk," but you aren't, so chances are someone has a twin or at the very least a sibling. without boring everyone with self-commiserating here, i do hope that this happened to you early in the relationship. as difficult as it is, it really is easier to find out earlier than later, when you have even more of yourself invested. never be ashamed to stand "naked" before someone when you feel it is the right thing to do. and never feel foolish afterward for having done it. always remember you did your very best and you did it honestly and openly.

you didn't ask the wrong question. you asked a question that was weighing on your mind. your choices were to wait, let it fester, more than likely affect the relationship adversely for the festering, or to "communicate" and resolve.

most everyone has issues so i try very hard not to judge people by their initial actions, reactions. that doesn't mean that it doesn't stay filed away and measured along with all other aspects of the relationship and what is going on in it and outside of it.

people on both sides of the D/s have a lot to learn about themselves and about their prospective partner(s). if both, maybe even more so the D, isn't willing to or wanting to better him/herself right along with the s, well................

these are only opinions with which if you add a few dollars you might be able to buy a cup of coffee :)

damn, i didn't know until reading an earlier post that i had to be sexually proficient and willing to become even more so in order to be what i am and even better myself. think i need one of those showers now, too!

keep the faith, dally :)

(in reply to MC2044)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Honesty Backfired - 12/23/2004 9:42:38 PM   
Kinkypupper


Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline 		They can work out and I for one still beleave that it "CAN".
One of the great benefits in a D/s relationship is the ability for BOTH partys to be TOTALLY honest, even if it may hurt. but being dishonest can hurt WORSE.
The ability in such a relationship to be so TOTALLY open with each other is one of the reasons I seek it so.
A good friend of mine has two "kittens" he owns and controls not just their body and minds but they have even offered/given their very "souls" to him. ( ( ok so we are reaching into the rhelm of religion here but i am NOT going there with this comment))
The point is that They have no choice due to their bond with him then to be totally honest and open with him. In return He can be totally honest and open with them.
Its one of the "benefits" of such a relationship tho it is also a part of the trust and commitment from "HIM" to them for trust and protection he has committed to them.

It is perhaps the "wannabees" who want the benefits and not the responsibilitys that tend to shy away from this.

Please take heart. THERE ARE those out here who wish that kind of a "bond" but remember it will require a LOT from you as well.

( it is a comment from one of the Norman "Gor" books that i most remember reading nearly 40 years ago that i most remember ( not exact words) "that one who owns a slave also has the complete freedom of talking WITH them about matters of importance and knowing there is no reprocussions"

_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to dally)
Profile   Post #: 31
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