New Dom - Please Help (Full Version)

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Lazlo -> New Dom - Please Help (12/14/2004 8:04:56 PM)

I have recently acquired an online sub. I am a fairly new and inexperienced dom in need of some advice on the following:

1) Interaction: where is the line drawn between sub and dom when it comes to a general conversation can you ask about their day, their feelings etc.
2) What about assignment ideas
3) Ideas for punishment when dealing with an online sub.

Any help would be appreciated.

L



GoddessJules -> RE: New Dom - Please Help (12/14/2004 8:17:10 PM)

You know. . .I don't want to seem like a total bitch right now. . .but if all it took to be a "dom" was to go on to a message board and essentially ask what it is that you need to do to be the above said. . . then ANYONE could be a dom. Do you have any creativity? *ANY* insight or knowledge about the lifestyle? Perhaps you should have done some research and some soul searching BEFORE you aquired a sub. Right now. . .you don't come off and unknowledgeable, you come off a LAZY.


Jules



EStrict -> RE: New Dom - Please Help (12/14/2004 8:36:24 PM)

quote:

I don't want to seem like a total bitch right now
::laughing:: Jules, you say that like it's a *bad* thing! Actually I guess I will say the same as I agree. What every happened to learning to drive before you bought a car? Or learning how to cook *before* you took a job as a chef?

Nothing person to the poster, but I would be of little help since I have always believed in only RL. To me it's the difference of reading the book compared to LIVING a story worth writing about...



MistressDREAD -> RE: New Dom - Please Help (12/14/2004 8:45:44 PM)

First off Lazlo
Dont let the
Real Timers
scare Ya..
There is
nothing
wrong with
having a little
fantasy roleplay
online to sooth
the savage beast
and it is WAY MORE
SAFE A SEX THEN
THE CORNER UMM
ERRRRR STORE
~wink~
So You are a Switch
but at the moment
desire to learn about
Your Dominant side.
Good for You. Ill take
it that You have aquired
a very experianced sub
whom is willing to assist
You in learning whats
involved with mindfully
controlling another
person Dominantly.
You have come to the
right place to start
your path into Alternate
Lifestyle living even if
it is only here online
and only for roleplay
fantasy exploration.
Im SURE that Your
wifie will be glad to
know that this is the
place that You are
exploring You cravings.
I suggest turning the days
at the top from 30 days
to 365 and start reading
in every section everything
that has been posted here
in the past year. I cannot
say for sure but it is wholly
possible that at the first
of the year everything
will turn over and I do not
know if the content here
is being archived or not.
Lazlo if You have questions
I suggest to ask them
spacifically like, How do
you teach a sub to bow?
or what ever it is You
want to ask....JMO



ignatiaus -> RE: New Dom - Please Help (12/14/2004 9:24:37 PM)

Hi Lazlo,

There are lots of rules some people have ... completely contradicted by everyone else. The longer term goal is to have your own definitions of where the lines are ... and what you like/want. That is part of the pleasure of being the dominant.

A few random thoughts:
1) Ask her to write things down ... fantasies, thoughts during the day, history. Ask about her stregnths and weaknesses. Ask her anything you can think of. Make her be honest ... or send her away. If you have a 'service' element to your dominance this will be useful. Even if that isn't true ... you can watch her squirm at times under your questions.
2) Don't worry about where to draw the line. People are still people. You'll end up stiffling yourself as much as anything. Most folks in this for real don't want to run dominant energy all the time.
3) Don't fuck with her life unless you are serious. You are learning here ... and online is safer ... but if you have leverage and power over her don't use it to fuck up her life (no quitting jobs, risking family, etc. unless it is part of some larger picture and you are really going to be there).
4) It can be fun to explore online ... somethings will ring your bell ... others won't. If/when you move to real time don't expect it to be a smooth transition. Dealing with more senses and more energy from people is one thing ... but my experience was that things that appealed to me online didn't always translate as expected to r/t.

Luck, Ig



MistressFire70 -> RE: New Dom - Please Help (12/14/2004 9:41:03 PM)

Welcome! It's hard to be new...and we all must start somewhere. I'd have recommended reading and researching things before finding a sub, but I also understand your eagerness to become who you know you are.

I'll let others speak about the sexual issues and focus on the knowledge. Pick a good book related to the lifestyle. Purchase 2 and send one to your sub (or have him or her buy one themselves). Do assigned reading; a sectiona a week. Have them write their view points about the section and explain what parts really speak to them. Do a live chat about the reading where you share your thoughts.

This does several things: 1) It expands both of your knowledge bases. 2) It offers insights into each of you, which benefits the yourself as well as the relationship.

The book can be fiction or non-fiction. Some that I recommend are:

Non-fiction:
SM 101, Jay Wisemann
Different Loving, Gloria Brame
The Complete Slave, Jack Renilla
The Master's Manual, Jack Renilla
To love, To obey, To serve, Viola Johnson

Fiction:
The Marketplace (and the rest of the series), Laura Antoniou
Beauty (and the rest of the series), Ann Rice
Kushiel's Dart (and the rest of the series), Jacqueline Carey

Websites:
Castlerealm - http://castlerealm.com/CastleRealm.shtml
Dr. Gloria Brame's Website - http://gloria-brame.com/
The Resources Page of the Leather Archives Museum - http://www.leatherarchives.org/resources/resource.htm
New Articles and Items from the Nation Coalition for Sexual Freedom - http://www.ncsfreedom.org/

Hope this helps and peace on your journey.

Fire



proudsub -> RE: New Dom - Please Help (12/14/2004 10:24:58 PM)

quote:

1) Interaction: where is the line drawn between sub and dom when it comes to a general conversation can you ask about their day, their feelings etc.
2) What about assignment ideas
3) Ideas for punishment when dealing with an online sub.


1. Yes you can have any conversation you want with her, just be sure she shows you respect, addresses you as Sir or Master or whatever you want.

2. A few ideas for assignments: have her read bdsm stories online; have her use clothes pins on her nips several times a day; have her take herself to the edge but not cum til you say she can; have her use a butt plug; have her send you juicy emails; have her wear a plug and/or dildo in public; have her play on cam for you.

3. here's a thread on online punishment:

to all with an online sub

Here are some other threads that may help:

online relationships

can one truly submit online

can online stuff work

The main thing is to have fun and learn as much as you can.[;)]



EStrict -> RE: New Dom - Please Help (12/14/2004 10:51:42 PM)

Actually,,,, on a side note.. is your wife aware of your online sub?



CloudThrasher -> RE: New Dom - Please Help (12/14/2004 11:49:07 PM)

acquired? Did you use a credit card or PayPal? Is there a return policy? Did she come with a puncture repair kit?

1. There is no such thing as an online D/s relationship.
2. One doesn't become a Dom/Master. Either one is or isn't.
3. The thing sitting on your shoulders isn't a hat rack. Please use it.
4. I've had a crappy day and am really tired of this nonsense.



Lazlo -> RE: New Dom - Please Help (12/15/2004 12:06:51 AM)

To all of you who posted with help and advice I thank You.
I have spent several weeks reading everything I can find relating to this subject. Just because I am a novice and ask for advice does not mean I have not done anything to prepare for this interaction. This relationship started out as a simple fantasy exchange, I did not advertise or go looking for a sub/dom exchange. My advice to some of you; don't judge before you know the facts.

L



INSIDEYOURMIND -> RE: New Dom - Please Help (12/15/2004 7:13:58 AM)

quote:

New Dom - Please Help


You asked for help, if you can't take some honest replies, don't ask!

quote:

My advice to some of you; don't judge before you know the facts.


While I agree that you should read and learn all you can about BDSM before venturing out, I also completely agree that having an online relationship will actually do nothing to help you gain experience.

How do you know that the person you are having submit to you is not a man, child, animal, mineral, or vegatble?

How do you learn how hard you can spank, flog, whip, cane, or whatever?

Go to munches, find the scene in your area, talk to real people, and have fun.

If you are not experienced, and you do something to your online sub that is wrong, you could affect her and her enjoyment of the lifestyle as well.



proudsub -> RE: New Dom - Please Help (12/15/2004 9:00:08 AM)

quote:

While I agree that you should read and learn all you can about BDSM before venturing out, I also completely agree that having an online relationship will actually do nothing to help you gain experience.


He's married, maybe this is the only way right now. It's how i started and if i hadn't done that i would of missed out on this whole lifestyle.



Mercnbeth -> RE: New Dom - Please Help (12/15/2004 9:19:16 AM)

quote:

My advice to some of you; don't judge before you know the facts.


AMAZING! Here we are again - On-line. Can we discuss a easier subject like - "Is there a God, and if there is and he can do 'EVERYTHING' - Can he make a boulder so big that he can't lift it?" If it keeps you off the streets and out of the gene pool - enjoy!

But let's forget for a moment the on-line issue. I want to do what I enjoy most. Point out something I find very interesting and only Estrict picked up on it as of this post.

Let me direct you to another recent thread - "Better Bottoming". The person who posted a thread that plagiarized someone else was taken to task because she failed to credit the original author in her post. She made no money from it, maybe she innocently borrowed it, but her intent was to enlighten others with something she found helpful to her and thought others would benefit. Maybe the author was harmed - but if so, it was relatively minor, and ultimately the right author was credited.

The poster of the "Better Bottoming" thread was universally chastised, and had zero defenders. I believe she felt such remorse that she removed the material. She may never post again. This community decided to identify her as a pariah, because she 'cheated' the author of credit - cheated the author, even though the work was originally published on a pubic website.

Now we have good old Lazlo, cheating on his wife, and looking for help doing so. Many are offering help. When challenged, Lazlo demands us not to judge, not to condemn.

Does any one else find this ludicrous? Can anyone point out the error of my logic? Is it really more acceptable within this group to cheat on a spouse versus cheat an author of writing credit?

I now expect this thread to go silently into the night....



GoddessJules -> RE: New Dom - Please Help (12/15/2004 9:33:24 AM)

Merc, Merc, Merc,

All I can say is. . .I'm looking forward to the future posts on this guy where some submissive out there somewhere comes to the boards and accuses him of being "fake" or a "wanna-be." The writing is on the wall. . .

"He told me that he was a Grand Master and trained in tibet for 25 years. . .and that he was signle with no kids and an annual income of $500K. Then he broke into my paypal and took all my money and told me to stick a pineapple up my ass. . .consequently I had to go to the RE because the pineapple lacerated my delicate anal tissues. He also told me that 3 week old dog feces was safe to eat because it had been sitting in the sun for that long and that the sun has disinfectant properties. . . now I have round worm!!! I thought he knew what he was doing!!!"

Or something to that effect.

Jules



perverseangelic -> RE: New Dom - Please Help (12/15/2004 9:51:13 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: CloudThrasher

2. One doesn't become a Dom/Master. Either one is or isn't.


Why do you say that? Some people most definatly become dominant people. It doesn't appeal for a long time, then it does.

It doesn't have to be an all or nothing thing. Sometimes people grow into their dominance. One doesn't have to always be or always know to have it be very much a real desire and presonality trait.



EStrict -> RE: New Dom - Please Help (12/15/2004 10:03:56 AM)

I agree with you fully Sir. I've said many times that people should add to their posts *don't respond unless you agree with me or will respond without using your brain to make judgement which is only forming an opinion by weighing evidence.*

Yes, we do not know *everything* about the origanal poster, but we do know what he has told us and what his profile says. If he is so worried that someone may misjudge him with that information, he can always give more.

He can also remember that opinions are like assholes,, everyone has one, and some just stink more than others. Of course, it *stinking* doesn't make it wrong, just something *you* don't like the way it is...



elvis254 -> RE: New Dom - Please Help (12/15/2004 5:29:46 PM)

Help! I am a new dom with limited experience. I am looking for a site where I can post a personal to meet a sub/slave,



siamsa24 -> RE: New Dom - Please Help (12/15/2004 5:41:43 PM)

Is this a joke?



pandoravampire -> RE: New Dom - Please Help (12/15/2004 8:14:48 PM)



There are some excellent suggestions here to help someone explore their dominant side. You, like most of us (cloudmaster excluded of course) have to learn. And the reading list you were given is a good place to start. Munches are also a great place.
Presumably you HAVE allready tried to interest your wife?
From a person who has not long in this lifestyle, i can say for me, that there is NO turning back now. Vanilla just doesnt do it anymore. It may be wise to consider the ramifications on your marriage of bdsm on line. Duty shags for the wifey are a low down trick.
Any energy that you expound into on line with another, will detract from energy available within your home. Cause and effect.

If on line works for you, personally for me it does not. Then you are possibly going to want real time experience. Then what are you going to do? Cheat some more? This and other web sites abound with Dom/mes who are in a vanilla relationship and have a bdsm secret life on line or realtime to address wants they have. They are clearly not needs or they would of released their partners and allowed them to seek a more loyal partner. But sometimes, getting out of a unfulfilling relationship can take time, and a sub on the side.

But if all things considered, you still are going to do this. Good luck for you, the sub and the wife.



siamsa24 -> RE: New Dom - Please Help (12/15/2004 10:49:25 PM)

I hope this isn't really directed at me?
If it is I am now thoroughly confused.



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