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opinion of sub/slaves wanted - 8/9/2006 2:11:56 PM

comprehensive

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Joined: 12/23/2004
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I have often pondered this question..........

When first approached by a Dominant would you prefer the Dominant to either

{A} Straight away tell you how the relationship is going to be "That's the way it is" attitude

or

{B}"What do you want from the relationship" liberal approach

Looking forward to your opinion on this :)

Post #: 1

RE: opinion of sub/slaves wanted - 8/9/2006 2:16:32 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: comprehensive
I have often pondered this question..........

When first approached by a Dominant would you prefer the Dominant to either

{A} Straight away tell you how the relationship is going to be "That's the way it is" attitude

or

{B}"What do you want from the relationship" liberal approach

Looking forward to your opinion on this :)

Uh I'd prefer a "Hi, my name's Alex, nice to meet you"

Over a series of months and many discussions, he should make sure to clearly convey what he wants and make sure to find out what I am open to.

Perhaps in the spirit of your question- as on the latest episode of Queer as Folk, I could never be with someone I loved if I knew they gave up some necessary part of them to be with me. I'd prefer to send them off happily to their bliss. And I'd only be with a partner who felt exactly the same about me.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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Post #: 2

RE: opinion of sub/slaves wanted - 8/9/2006 2:17:11 PM

missturbation

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Neither. I like to get to know someone and not just jump straight in. What is wanted within a relationship on both sides will naturally come out in conversation.

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Post #: 3

RE: opinion of sub/slaves wanted - 8/9/2006 2:18:16 PM

zumala

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I'd want a relationship. I'm not about to take orders and submit to someone when I don't know them from the guy working at Jack in the Box. You have to know someone before you can trust them. Once the friendship and trust are begun, then you can worry about negotiating for a D/s aspect to the relationship.

zuma

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 4

RE: opinion of sub/slaves wanted - 8/9/2006 2:20:01 PM

justheather

Posts: 1532
Joined: 10/4/2005
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Ummmm....neither.

I'd rather him be a normal human being who doesnt have an "approach" but just acts like himself and lets the pieces fall into place (or not) naturally.

Worked like a charm for my guy.

Seriously, while there is something to be said for that feeling one gets up and down her spine when a guy takes a little bit of control early on in the relationship, ultimately the D/s stuff has to arise out of an organic place for me. Otherwise it's just too much like some kind of role-playing game, which can have a place I suppose, but not as the foundation of my primary relationship. Doms who are in a big hurry to get-to-the-dommin, Ive noticed, usually don't have much to back up the act.

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Post #: 5

RE: opinion of sub/slaves wanted - 8/9/2006 2:26:37 PM

sub4hire

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zumala

I'd want a relationship. I'm not about to take orders and submit to someone when I don't know them from the guy working at Jack in the Box. You have to know someone before you can trust them. Once the friendship and trust are begun, then you can worry about negotiating for a D/s aspect to the relationship.

zuma

Exactly!

(in reply to zumala)

Post #: 6

RE: opinion of sub/slaves wanted - 8/9/2006 2:31:29 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zumala

I'd want a relationship. I'm not about to take orders and submit to someone when I don't know them from the guy working at Jack in the Box. You have to know someone before you can trust them. Once the friendship and trust are begun, then you can worry about negotiating for a D/s aspect to the relationship.

zuma

On the other hand you already know the Jack in the Box guy can get you some awesome oreo shakes.

Since I just had my first Jack in the Box experience a few weeks ago, it's still cool to me.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to zumala)

Post #: 7

RE: opinion of sub/slaves wanted - 8/9/2006 2:42:45 PM

comprehensive

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Joined: 12/23/2004
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well,thanks for that,they are good answers
I guess I would extend it to when the relationship really gets going what do you prefer ?

Really you are not being very 'Dominant" if you are overly concerned about what your sub wants all the time.

That's my confusion on this issue

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 8

RE: opinion of sub/slaves wanted - 8/9/2006 2:48:29 PM

zumala

Posts: 1121
Joined: 6/16/2005
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Dom is... a bit difficult to explain. Concern for a sub's preferences doesn't weaken a Dom, really. Part of their responsibility is to see that their submissive is fullfilled. A Dom just has a certain air about them. They don't have to yell or abuse... I've found some that can merely make a suggestion and I'll hop to.

A good Dom, IMO, is respect-worthy. When I respect them, I want to please them. Sort of a desire to please someone I consider worthy of being pleased. The fact that a Dom is concerned with my wants and needs is a positive thing. It means they're looking out for my best interests as well as their own. That doesn't mean I'm running the show, though. A Dom can use knowledge of my likes and dislikes to control me. Reward and punishment. Motivation.

zuma

< Message edited by zumala -- 8/9/2006 2:50:13 PM >

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Post #: 9

RE: opinion of sub/slaves wanted - 8/9/2006 2:48:35 PM

AquaticSub

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I expect for there to be a discussion about we both want from the relationship and concessions will be made both ways. A BDSM relationship requires cooperation on both sides just like a vanilla relationship.

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Post #: 10

RE: opinion of sub/slaves wanted - 8/9/2006 2:52:45 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: comprehensive
Really you are not being very 'Dominant" if you are overly concerned about what your sub wants all the time.

That's my confusion on this issue

What do you consider "overly concerned"? And why not all the time? Do doms consider their relationship to be part time?

I'm not suggesting someone pander to someone else- that's never good in any relationship. And you seem to want to be the passive partner while the dom does all the work and just lets you climb on board. That works for some people.

But would you be willing to go up to someone and tell them they were not being dominant because they were "overly concerned"? And will you ever be faced with a situation in which you are upset because your dom is not more concerned than he is?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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Post #: 11

RE: opinion of sub/slaves wanted - 8/9/2006 3:09:41 PM

fyreredsub

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i prefer the straight up approach, however, this would be contingent after having had spoken to the person a good bit and His knowing there was a mutal wanting of things to progress to that point of conversation to begin with.

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"Accordingly, men must then either fulfill their nature, or deny it, and in denying their nature, deny us ours, for ours is the complement to theirs. " Renegades

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Post #: 12

RE: opinion of sub/slaves wanted - 8/9/2006 4:30:40 PM

twicehappy

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Personally i prefer pics of his Harley then normal conversation; but that's just me......

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Post #: 13

RE: opinion of sub/slaves wanted - 8/9/2006 5:03:49 PM

Hercuckslave

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Joined: 5/21/2006
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one of the things that first struck a note of respect in me for my Mistress is that she never tried to Domme me until I began to offer submission. More than 5 years later I am still and always her slave. I always had to roll my eyes when a Dominant said something like, "its all about ME". frankly, it isn't. it is all about US. Granted, we each get our needs met in different ways, and for me, it just so happens that the bulk of my needs get met by meeting HER needs. round about paradox that I'm sure you can understand. Bottom line is, a Dominant won't get his/her needs met if the slave/subs needs aren't being met as well. Why? Because the sub/slave won't stay.

For me, I was always most impressed with a potential Domme that had and open and free dialogue based on equality, and "getting to know you." Afterall, noone is anyone's submissive or slave until they choose to be. Power exchange is negotiated and agreed upon, not implied simply by virtue of the titles.

M's m

(in reply to twicehappy)

Post #: 14

RE: opinion of sub/slaves wanted - 8/9/2006 5:19:18 PM

littlesarbonn

Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
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"A" would save more time. But in my experience, when a potential dominant partner has entered the conversation with "A", telling me exactly how the relationship will be, chances are pretty good that that is all I'll need to determine this one probably isn't for me. I had one woman have coffee with me one evening and then indicate what our contract would say, how I would just be her service slave (she felt other men would act as her REAL slaves) and all sorts of other bizarre comments that made me realize she was really looking for a maid. She even told me that as someone with such a low place in her lifestyle, she would probably have one of her male submissives administering what I did for her.

Let's just say that I decided sitting at home and watching Star Trek was going to be a lot more fulfilling. Instead, I fantasized about an evil Counselor Troi and had more enjoyment that I probably would have had dusting a woman's den at the command of some male submissive of hers.

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Post #: 15

RE: opinion of sub/slaves wanted - 8/9/2006 8:03:53 PM

VelvetVise

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Joined: 6/18/2006
From: Dallas, TX
Status: offline

Speaking just for me, I have to know someone and truly respect them before I could submit.

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Post #: 16

RE: opinion of sub/slaves wanted - 8/10/2006 1:06:51 AM

Vancouver_cinful

Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hercuckslave

one of the things that first struck a note of respect in me for my Mistress is that she never tried to Domme me until I began to offer submission. More than 5 years later I am still and always her slave. I always had to roll my eyes when a Dominant said something like, "its all about ME". frankly, it isn't. it is all about US. Granted, we each get our needs met in different ways, and for me, it just so happens that the bulk of my needs get met by meeting HER needs. round about paradox that I'm sure you can understand. Bottom line is, a Dominant won't get his/her needs met if the slave/subs needs aren't being met as well. Why? Because the sub/slave won't stay.

For me, I was always most impressed with a potential Domme that had and open and free dialogue based on equality, and "getting to know you." Afterall, noone is anyone's submissive or slave until they choose to be. Power exchange is negotiated and agreed upon, not implied simply by virtue of the titles.

M's m

Kudos!! Very well-said!

I especially love the comment that it's all about US.

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(in reply to Hercuckslave)

Post #: 17

RE: opinion of sub/slaves wanted - 8/10/2006 4:16:02 AM

sharainks

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Joined: 12/13/2004
Status: offline

I'm on the side of neither. What appeals to me more is a mail stating something about themselves and their interests both as a person and in regards to WIITWD. What really is nice is if they will state something like "I see from your profile that...." and go on to state why that sparked an interest in them.

The attempt to control from the first mail is a total turn off. Mostly I just laugh and delete them. They tend to reek of "Ive just spent 2 hours on a bdsm site and know just what you want." Ack!!!! In my less friendly and more disgusted moments I've replied that they would do better to get off the XXX sites and into real life before trying to attract a sub.

(in reply to Vancouver_cinful)

Post #: 18

RE: opinion of sub/slaves wanted - 8/10/2006 5:42:47 AM

A1slave

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Joined: 7/22/2006
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Hercuckslave has my full agreement.

(in reply to sharainks)

Post #: 19

RE: opinion of sub/slaves wanted - 8/10/2006 7:48:25 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

ORIGINAL: comprehensive

well,thanks for that,they are good answers
I guess I would extend it to when the relationship really gets going what do you prefer ?

Really you are not being very 'Dominant" if you are overly concerned about what your sub wants all the time.

That's my confusion on this issue

In my opinion you are really not being very dominant if you do not think about what your submissive wants and needs at least some of the time. It isn't easy to be a good dom or a good sub. Being a dominant does not make one less concerned or less thoughtful of their partner. Being a dominant is not a license not to think about the needs of a person you have taken certain responsibitity for, in fact it should make you think MORE about that person that is counting on you., not less. I know some dynamics are not like this, and this is not true of everyone, but I would say that most dominants I have seen posting here or have emailed with or dated viewed it this way.

It is not overly domly in my view to just demand things from another as though they had no feelings or opinions or needs of their own.. but that is just me and I could be wrong

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Post #: 20

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