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New Domme-Seeking Advice - 8/10/2006 5:05:39 AM   
QueenLivia


Posts: 6
Joined: 6/23/2006
Status: offline 		Hi

I am a newbie and found myself a sub but I was told I was too soft and he wants ritualistic domme. I have read S&M 101 but can only lead me to any links or sites or tib bits on how I can tap into my Queen Domme potential?

Thanks!

_____________________________

Your one and only Queen
Roman Queen Livia
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: New Domme-Seeking Advice - 8/10/2006 5:09:40 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		Try these books they are helpful:  The Mistress Manual By Loreli, Bitch Goddess By Pat Califia. Also we all have our different *Domme* style and if YOU desire to put more ritual into yours you can of course, but don't let your boy tell you how to do it. Thats Topping from the bottom. Better to nip that in the bud now before he starts to think he is running the show.

Good luck!

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to QueenLivia)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: New Domme-Seeking Advice - 8/10/2006 5:27:22 AM   
TNstepsout


Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		First of all, why are you more concerned with what HE wants than what you want? If "nice" is your style then don't change that to please your sub. Who's in charge after all? 

You may be the type who is more loving and nurturing and seeks that kind of relationship. There is nothing wrong with that. It's what works for you and you can't pretend to be cold and aloof if that's not you. It's possible he's not the right sub for you.

There are several threads about nice, nurturing, polite Dom/mes vs. what most people think they should be like. You might find them helpful.

Hang out here and read the advise of these lovely women.

(in reply to QueenLivia)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: New Domme-Seeking Advice - 8/10/2006 5:31:33 AM   
Jasmyn


Posts: 1234
Joined: 2/6/2004
From: New Zealand
Status: offline 		He has expressed a concern and if she wants to keep him ...it needs to be addressed ... I don't call that topping from the bottom...I call that communication.
 
Liva, welcome to the boards ... best advice I can give ... give yourself permission to be a bitch, to be indulgent, to trip him up and keep him mentally on his toes, to be demanding, if you want him to dress in a frilly tutu and sing good ship lolly pop, whats wrong with that...but also, be soft and tender and caring and concerned.... pick ya moments to play princess, lover, mother, Queen. 
 
Check out Elsie Sutton's website, sorry you'll have to google it, also ... www.dshaven.com has some excellent articles (Lady Melissa & Pheonix, they are on CM) .
 
Enjoy your journey...
 
Jasmyn

_____________________________

quote:

"To learn the art of submission a slave must first give up the desires that drew him to submission in the first place." Mistress Jasmyn Jan 2005.


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(in reply to Lashra)
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RE: New Domme-Seeking Advice - 8/10/2006 6:56:00 AM   
mp072004


Posts: 381
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline 		Like Jasmyn said, it's not a horrible sin for your male friend to tell you what he wants. However, if that's not what you want, and if you don't have compelling reasons to remain in a monogamous relationship with him, you should tell him that you probably won't work well.

If you do want to compromise, or even do exactly what he wants, you will need him to tell you what "ritualistic dominance" means to him. I wouldn't have called soft the opposite of ritualistic, so I assume he's using one word or the other to mean something odd.

You might compromise if you really liked one another in other ways, and wanted to sacrifice some sexual and BDSM happiness for having a generally okay relationship. You could also just do what he wants. This means you are acting as a "service top," which, again, isn't a horrible thing to do.

Good luck!

Monica

(in reply to QueenLivia)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: New Domme-Seeking Advice - 8/10/2006 7:15:22 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		I say that if he wants "ritualistic" domme he needs to define what that it because frankly it has no real meaning as an expression.

Does this mean acting?
Does it mean lots of props?
Does it mean costumes?
Does it mean using specific and repeated forms of interactions?
Does it mean including religious icons?
Does it mean limited to specific times?

He needs to give you specific examples as well as definition.

Second never, ever agree to act in any fashion that you cannot fully feel comfortable in as a dominant. Otherwise you really are just a service top (nothing wrong with that, just it isn't a dominant). Plus if you are uncomfortable it will show through in your actions, your attitude, your voice, and your energy and that will grow old very fast for you and make you less likely to want to scene the next time.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to QueenLivia)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: New Domme-Seeking Advice - 8/10/2006 8:03:43 AM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear QueenLivia, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
If you can confirm with the submissive, to which he prefers a ritual style dominant, it might be that he requests --rituals or protocols. 
 
Most of the leathermen that I have associated with do have protocols, to which are recognized by those who practice them.
 
Understanding the roots of ritual, protocol and or ceremony, it falls really into a means to express their submission and or silent salutes, through a brief behavior, such as kneeling and bowing their head.  This helps the mental frame of the slave, which feeds into the heart/spirit of the slave.  The ritual is just a daily honoring of that relationship between authority and submission.  Ritual also keeps the line between dominant and submissive roles 'evident' or 'obvious.'
 
It does not have to be a long or drama filled ritual.  But, something you both can be happy about.
 
I offer for consideration, that you may research more in the Gay Leather direction, which borrows from military protocols and rituals, which have roots back for hundreds of years as armies and warriors codes of behavior, code of war and such has carried forward to so many historically.  One can also research the Imperial side of the lifestyle, to which the "royal courts" and nobility standards of behavior, duties, responsibilities, etiquette and such as to give inspiration.  Although military and Imperial is only 2 out of the 4 foundation pillars BDSM borrows from as they all have a D/s dynamic,
they also make clear that duty, honor, leadership by example is most important as well as tradition, ritual, ceremonies and such as they have meaning and honor the past as well as carrying forward to the future.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs
 
 

(in reply to QueenLivia)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: New Domme-Seeking Advice - 8/10/2006 8:10:16 AM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
Try renting "I, Claudius."

(in reply to QueenLivia)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: New Domme-Seeking Advice - 8/10/2006 9:29:56 AM   
Jasmyn


Posts: 1234
Joined: 2/6/2004
From: New Zealand
Status: offline 		Try doing something like this ...

Tell him part of your reluctance is that mostly you are new, and no one wins a marathon the first time out, well some do, but they're freaks, god bless em...so anyway you have been thinking about all this, and what he wants, and that you kinda like the idea...and you think you might have a solution ... but he can't go into this with his eyes shut... if you take control, it's on your terms, and you'll give him a week ... an entire week (day/weekend) devoted to being your bitch, slut, pet, slave, lover, payer, player, toy, boy, man whore, worm on knees, or a devoted sissy whose man enough to pamper and care for you in his frilly pink dress ...whatever you want...personally I like to do all of them... after all, the best boys, serve all your needs ... not just the one's they want to service... and the thing is, the key, their needs are my wants ...I wasn't always turned on to them...but when I was, man alive ... what a trip ... anyway... back to you ...

Rituals
as something earned
something I use if I need them to be wearing a collar ... play party, fetish events, just cause I can, I think it would be good for them
they must kiss it and/or ask for it before you put it on
it has a pride of place somewhere, where it can be retrieved and put back
associate words of devotion, obedience, commitment ... understanding that once I place it around their neck, they belong to me ..they are my slave/slut/pet whatever ... till take it off. 
it's a gift, bestowed, as a reward ... ie letting them sleep in it, or wear it for the day for no reason but he can .. let them enjoy it

It becomes a security, it tells them when you put it on, you mean business, that no one can be *on* 24/7, but when that collar is ...this isn't a game any longer, it isn't something you do when you think about it...it also helps in the early days of trying to get new heads around domination, is that it gives you a break from having to be *on* all the time too ... you call the shots ... but remember, to respect it ... thinking you call the shots and actually calling the shots are two very different things ... for all intents and purposes, using the collar in this way, allows you to *forget been you newbie* and start thinking of yourself as that Mistress... that woman, who is she?  What is the pay off in spanking a man?  What is the reason she lets him lick her boots and tells him thank her for the privilege?  What does he do it?  What's in it for him? 

Think about why this guy wants a strict domina ... what about his life makes him want this?  What are the things that ping him mentally, phyiscally, sexually, sensually?  Is there a pattern forming?  Is he really a worm and needs to be one?  Or does he just think he is and actually needs something else?  For example, a lot of guys will think cross dressing when they need forced feminisation.  And yes, these things are a need ... and for centuries, traditionally dominant or open minded women fullfilled them ... without labels she applied to herself, she just was ... just as the needs of dominant and open minded women were fullfilled by subservient allies.

I've gotta sleep, biz meeting in the morning, 2 hours away eek...look forward to hearing of other people's experiences. 

Jasmyn

_____________________________

quote:

"To learn the art of submission a slave must first give up the desires that drew him to submission in the first place." Mistress Jasmyn Jan 2005.


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(in reply to cloudboy)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: New Domme-Seeking Advice - 8/10/2006 3:27:48 PM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: QueenLivia

Hi

I am a newbie and found myself a sub but I was told I was too soft and he wants ritualistic domme. I have read S&M 101 but can only lead me to any links or sites or tib bits on how I can tap into my Queen Domme potential?

Thanks!

Dominance and control doesn't come from a book or the internet.  It's something either you have, or you don't.  It manifests from within as a deep seated desire or need.

It sounds like this fellow did a good job in controlling you.  My suggestion?  Kick him to the curb, citing the fact that he's being dismissed because it's not fair for a new mistress who has no skill/training/education/experience to take on a slave who obviously has needs......  Then, before you go taking on another poor fool, LEARN about what you're doing, get yourself a femdom mentor, experience various domination styles through observing others at munches, play parties and lifestyle events.....THEN start thinking about taking on a slave.

Learning by doing in these cases are not always the best idea because you're having to manage the heart, mind, body and soul of another.  When you're new, you really don't want to have to be responsible for fucking all of that up.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to QueenLivia)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: New Domme-Seeking Advice - 8/10/2006 3:41:09 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		An alternative viewpoint, simply because you gotta start somewhere...If we kicked every unwitting asshole to the curb, we couldn't keep our cars on the road, it would be like the pad of squished frogs on the road when it rained in the good old days......

It is a reasonable answer for those who are long in the life and can withstand any onslaught, however.

so it says in your profile that you hold religion in some esteem.

How about you get up every morning, and he recites from memory, that bit about--  and so shall  a MAN leave his parents and cling to his wife, as he is preparing your pussy for the affairs of the day?  Ancillary things at the ready and presented....coffee, newspaper, clothes layed out..............kisses your panties as he dresses you...........

What are we talking about here, a little ceremony, a little polish, a little poise......a celebration of an instant..........

It is not topping from the bottom in my opinion to say, I need more ritual   (depending on the whereases and wherefores this little convo took place)

But it must be on your terms, to your comfort, to your agreement, and your specifications.........if you demand  anti-ritual, that's fine too.
That is the ritual.

Ronne


_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to MisPandora)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: New Domme-Seeking Advice - 8/10/2006 4:53:29 PM   
TheOriginalBitch


Posts: 35
Joined: 8/7/2006
Status: offline 		Sounds like topping from the bottom, be who You are.

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Mistress
"The Original Bitch"

(in reply to QueenLivia)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: New Domme-Seeking Advice - 8/10/2006 6:29:39 PM   
TNstepsout


Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		Great advice all. I don't know if QueenLivia has been back to read it, but I've devoured every word.

(in reply to TheOriginalBitch)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: New Domme-Seeking Advice - 8/11/2006 4:12:16 AM   
QueenLivia


Posts: 6
Joined: 6/23/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you for all your advice. So far, it seems he vanished. I will get those books, observe at the parties, and determine what kind of Domme I really want to be.

(in reply to TNstepsout)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: New Domme-Seeking Advice - 8/11/2006 5:00:25 AM   
Jasmyn


Posts: 1234
Joined: 2/6/2004
From: New Zealand
Status: offline 		"what kind of Domme I really want to be?" that's a great question to ask yourself ... good luck and grr, boys drop under the radar all the time 

_____________________________

quote:

"To learn the art of submission a slave must first give up the desires that drew him to submission in the first place." Mistress Jasmyn Jan 2005.


Visit My Website


(in reply to QueenLivia)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: New Domme-Seeking Advice - 8/14/2006 9:18:49 PM   
MisstressStella


Posts: 26
Joined: 7/3/2006
From: Birmingham, Alabama
Status: offline 		While reading is good for general knowledge, nothing can replace realtime.  Find a FemDom in your area that would be willing to mentor you, get involved in the local leather community, go to some conferences, demos, events, parties.   I highly recommend DomCon in Atlanta in October! 

Stella

(in reply to Jasmyn)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: New Domme-Seeking Advice - 8/15/2006 1:32:21 PM   
Mlicious


Posts: 75
Joined: 8/5/2004
Status: offline 		I read the your question and the responses with great interest. Welcome to the boards and to the site. It is interesting in the end your boy has up and disappeared. It may be that your sincerity with learning about your Domme nature and remaining true to it did not mesh with his schedule for "getting to the good stuff." I say that sarcastically BTW.

I did note from the beginning his comment about you being too soft. The responses you have gotten about that are dead on. Dominance, especially Female Dominance is about what you want. I too spent a lot of time with this image in my head that I was doing something "to" the sub. A lot of images, especially film, depict the Domme doing things to the guy (cbt, flogging, facesitting). I think that in part it does a dis-service to Dommes finding their way.  True Dominance is about what you want for your sub to do for you. One of the hardest things to rewire about my thinking was that the more I indulge my desires, the better the Domme/sub relationship works.

Sit down and think about what you want. Think about what a sub can do to make your day/life easier. Whatever you do with or to that person is what you feel like doing if it pleases you to do it. If he did a good job with the chores, you may allow him to worship/pamper your feet. Personally, I prefer assigning tasks that are practical - hand wash my dainties, give me a pedicure, clean my car, drop off/pick up my shoes, polish my shoes, run my bath, cook meals - chores that make my day easier for me.

As far as whether to be ritualistic, it is about what you prefer. Personally, I did not incorporate rituals into my routine with my pet. Rituals were tedious and pointless for me and I got tired of making them up only to forget to enforce them. If you do want to utilize rituals, try simple things such as how your sub will address/greet you, a certain posture he is to take when you enter/exit the room - and work from there. 

As far as being soft, there is no one way to be a Domme or developing your own style. Not every Domme is cold and aloof, as someone else wrote. I personally know one Domme who, during a ballbusting session with a guy, was rhymically kneeing him in the balls. While she did this, she asked "Knock knock?" The guy looked at her curiously. She said it again. Finally the guy responds "who's there?" She replied "The University of Michigan Marching band!!" And continued to bust his balls.  Whatever she does, it is with a great degree of humor.

Someone suggested Elise Sutton, she is great. There is another great Domme on this site with a website of her own. She has one of the best newbie Domme articles I have ever read. I will look for it and post it here along with some other resources I've found helpful.

In addition, there is another author who comes to mind. Look into the books by Regina Thomashauer, AKA "Mama Gena." While she is not a professed Domme, she has an excellent method for women to tap into their powers of persuasion. Dominance is not necessarily about doing things to others so much as living and feeling your dominance in yourself. When people feel your dominance, they respond to you accordingly. 

Please stay in touch and updated. Good luck.

(in reply to Jasmyn)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: New Domme-Seeking Advice - 8/15/2006 1:42:48 PM   
Mlicious


Posts: 75
Joined: 8/5/2004
Status: offline 		Here is the link for Elise Sutton

http://www.elisesutton.homestead.com/Main.html

(in reply to QueenLivia)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: New Domme-Seeking Advice - 8/15/2006 1:50:38 PM   
Lionheart59


Posts: 2
Joined: 7/8/2006
Status: offline 		I am very experienced sub who has been collared to a new and inexperienced Mistress. She is very nice and give requests instead or orders. I comply with all requests like they are orders. I know that just her style and everybody in this lifestyle has thier style and would never try to change it.

(in reply to Mlicious)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: New Domme-Seeking Advice - 8/16/2006 8:50:42 AM   
imadom4u


Posts: 18
Joined: 8/20/2005
Status: offline 		I and some others have found this site to be helpful. http://www.bestslavetraining.com  Not as good as the books but it's got great tips.
_________________________________________________
(When hee-haw meets bdsm)
Where oh where are you tonight, how could you leave me here all alone. I searched the world over and thought I found the true one. You met collarme and you were gone.

(in reply to Lionheart59)
Profile   Post #: 20
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