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Seeking advice.. from vanilla married to D/s married - 8/10/2006 4:43:46 PM

SophiaChan

Posts: 15
Joined: 4/30/2006
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Hi all,

I've loved reading Collar Me posts over that last couple months and finally worked up the courage to post myself.

My husband and I have been married for 8 yrs and have been poly for about 9 years. We've recently decided to try the D/s thing on a more full time 24/7 basis instead of just in the bedroom. I never would've guessed how difficult it would be though. We have a hard time communicating about our expectations it seems and communication issues in our relationship is a very new thing for us.

I would love some advice on how to be a really great sub, especially from women out there who have been in or are in a similar situation. As well as advice on how to make this transition as smoothly as possible from any experienced LTR couples out there.

Do rituals help to establish roles?
How do I communicate that I'm wanting more without being pushy?
Having been together so long without any complaints we are wondering if it is best for a Dom to set up long term goals for his sub and what would such goals look like?
What are some pitfalls to avoid during the beginings of this transition?
What helps when one or both of us is feeling really discouraged?

I think we've got the sex/play part of this down. Although I am near 30 and my sexual peak and constant horniness is raising its ugly head and my better half's sexual peak seems to be over. Regardless, what we are really struggling with is how to make 24/7 a reality with as little unneccesary drama as possible. Help!!

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RE: Seeking advice.. from vanilla married to D/s married - 8/10/2006 5:20:07 PM

subsa

Posts: 196
Joined: 8/3/2006
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hi back at you...we are in a similar situation (being new)so i'm not sure how much advice i can give but i'll try...
i think the most important thing we've found is to engage in an ongoing dialogue. we each describe our conceptions of what a Master is or does , what a submissive is or does as specific situations come up. slowly we are learning what expectations the other has. both partners needs must be met if it's going to work in a 24/7 lifestyle. notice i say needs not wants...because you will need to learn the difference between your needs and wants . however, both His wants and needs will be met considering the dynamic of the relationship
to answer some of your specific questons...
Master has long term goals that include both of us not just ones for me. we work together towards those goals and that's kind of the basis for our 'contract'. some of our long term goals are for us to achieve and maintain a healthful weight and to reach some financial goals. to that end some of our rules support those goals. it's my responsiblity to plan, buy, and prepare the meals so that they are well balanced. i keep a food journal. i'm not to spend any amount of money without checking with Master first. things like that....
as far as rituals go...yes!!! but make them doable every time. its in our rituals that we find the strength to get through the rough spots and experience the pure joy of our special bond. if they're inconsistent because they're too complicated they're not going to become rituals. tha's about it for now . as i said one of my duties is to prepare the meals and its dinner time. hope this helps a little and good luck.

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RE: Seeking advice.. from vanilla married to D/s married - 8/10/2006 7:12:12 PM

mp072004

Posts: 381
Joined: 12/22/2005
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To be good at submitting, you need to be good at submitting. You need to obey your husband and defer to him. Doing extra things that he may not want doesn't help you subject yourself. Communicating that you want more d/s or sex (or, indeed, want anything) does not help you be good at submitting.

However, to be a happy person, and to have a happy marriage, you will likely need to behave un-submissively at times. To have a happy marriage, your husband will likely need to behave un-dominantly at times. You will not be kicked out of the High Court of BDSMers if you compromise.

As you express trouble with communication, perhaps you and your husband should develop a precise agreement about your relationship. As you've done polyamory, I would imagine that you have had discussions about rules and obligations before, yes? This is the same sort of thing, a constitution for your marriage, as it were.

On the question of goals, it is important for you and your husband to have set goals as people. It is also important for you both to figure out how your relationship helps you accomplish those goals. This is hardly unique to BDSM.

On transitioning, I would guess that before you decided to deliberately do outside-the-bedroom d/s, your relationship had elements of inequal power. Your husband probably made the bulk of your joint decisions, and you acquiesced. If so, then there were already a dominant partner and a submissive partner in your relationship, full-time. This begs the question: why did you self-consciously decide to do full-time d/s? Once you have the answer to that, you have the beginnings of the resolutions to the previous two paragraphs.

Good luck!

Monica

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RE: Seeking advice.. from vanilla married to D/s married - 8/13/2006 12:59:07 AM

Sirandlittle1

Posts: 538
Joined: 12/22/2005
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I would think of entering D/s 24/7 cautiously.
Starting with bedroom only as you have done, then leaking into the house lol
Just slowly walking along the D/s continuum together, checking in with each other every step of the way, what is working, why it is working, for both of you. Learning from each other what buttons push what reactions.
If i asked my Sir, when i am being the best sub, he'd say its when im obeying his wishes. Cool. Easy to follow in theory.
But that's not exactly when i feel my most submissive. So he has to pay attention to what my buttons are.
I like the feeling of submission, but being obedient doesnt get 'me' there. If im not getting there, he has to help me fix that. I need my fix. Or i lose it.
The time we have spent together is relatively short, just coming up 2 yrs. But we have learned so much as weve gone along. Discarded quite a bit of the original fantasy too. We've come up with a lifestyle, that meets both our needs.
The communication factor is huge. The need for good communication between you both is vital.
Using that communication level of intensity, discuss why bedroom only, is no longer enough? why not? What need for you, doesnt it address? and ditto for him?
For me, i liked the bedroom only so much, that i wanted that sorta control in my life. Not just my bedroom. When i was submitting, was when i felt complete, natural, me. I adore the outside of the bedroom stuff. Having my clothes chosen, routines to follow, rituals to adhere to, my food chosen, my behaviour controlled, inventing fun nights in for us that dont include tv etc. where i can serve him.
In some ways, i found our needs did not match in certain areas. So we get creative to get around those. Or he'll indulge my need to serve, without really appreciating it, like ironing his shirts is a HUGE service for me to provide, and he's not really impressed by that. But i get to see him in the shirt 'i' ironed for him, so its all good. And he says thaks of course.
Other areas of my kinky side, have no place in a D/s traditional framework, with me being the submissive. So, for that, we say fuck D/s, this is good fun, and roll with it. The basic premise being, if its good, its in, if its not, stop.
Transitioning is difficult. But so worth while if you can make it.
Id say in 2 yrs, we've had 3 really tricky patches to overcome. I have our basic mutual respect, love and communication skills to thank for seeing us through those difficult spots successfully.
You have a added advantage of 9 years of knowledge of one another to assist you. Use that.
best wishes, i hope that you both enjoy this decision of you both
little1

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RE: Seeking advice.. from vanilla married to D/s married - 8/13/2006 1:44:45 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
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Ho Sophia,
We have been married 38 years and ours has always been a D/s realtionship outside the bedroom but we didn't have a name for it until several years ago. The last few years we have expanded it to the bedroom, sort of the opposite of what you are doing. It has added a lot of intimacy and spice to our lives. Hope it works out for you.

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proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

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