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RE: Need some help in learning to be a master - 8/12/2006 8:54:39 AM   
Evanesce


Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I'm in awe....  No money problems; no health issues; no demanding kids; no aged, ill or over-bearing rellies to cater to; not some pain in the butt boss or even neighbour - nothing? 


Actually... no.  Nothing.  Nothing I'd elevate to the level of drama, at least.
 
quote:

All may be lush and fertile in your World but the majority have something they hafta deal with; even learn to live with regardless....
 
Drama; issues; baggage; history; whatever - surely anyone who's actually lived for any period of time has made mistakes or had circumstances foisted on them that actually disrupt an otherwise "Brady Bunch" existence and I happen to think it's unrealistic to expect to find anyone "drama free".  So the OP's young; chances are he seeks someone around his age and judging by the rate of teen suicide, the young aren't guaranteed exemption from drama, either.... 

Drama is a choice.  Problems happen, difficulties arise, people get sick and neighbors and bosses can be a pain in the ass, but whether or not these issues rise to the level of "Drama" is dependent upon whether or not we allow them to become drama.  People also tend to take on the drama of others.  I don't.  My life lesson for 2004 was, "Do not allow someone else's drama to become your own."  It took a while to learn that, but now I can sympathize with friends' difficulties, and I can offer them help, but when I go home, I don't take their issues with me.  I am completely drama free.  That doesn't mean I don't occasionally have difficult issues to deal with.  It's that I do not allow them to overwhelm my psyche to the point that they become Drama, and I'm surely not the only person in this great, big world who knows how to do this.
 
I don't think the OP's search for someone who is "drama-free" is unrealistic, but I definitely agree that his seeking a mentor is a wise step.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich


(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Need some help in learning to be a master - 8/13/2006 10:15:40 PM   
SirUlfric


Posts: 2
Joined: 8/13/2006
Status: offline 		As a new Dom myself, I am grateful for the advice on this thread.  I have already been absorbing a few of the books mentioned, and I will be buying more.  The patience that LadyHugs spoke of is the hardest thing for me.  I know that it is vital, and I will fail without it, but there is so much inside screaming to get out that it overwhelms at times.  I am on the journey of finding myself.  It's a hell of a journey so far!  

(in reply to Evanesce)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Need some help in learning to be a master - 8/14/2006 7:16:43 AM   
RFlagg


Posts: 8
Joined: 7/30/2005
Status: offline 		To SirUlfric;
 
Personally, I cannot overemphasize the importance of Patience, and, as others have said, the concept of mastering yourself first, before you try to master another.  If you have “so much inside screaming to get out that it overwhelms at times” then perhaps you need to examine that before getting into any situation where it actually does overwhelm you, to the potential detriment of others.  (Just a thought from the school of “BTDT”.)
 
 
To Op;
 
On the question of “drama”, I would agree with Focus.  It is damned hard to find anyone in this world who is drama-free … even posts 18 to 21 in this threat constitute a “drama” (and I am probably adding to it with this comment).  Check out the list of popular Dramatic Films at IMDB (http://www.imdb.com/Sections/Genres/Drama/average-vote) and ask yourself if you could honestly watch all of those movies and not feel an emotional connection to a single scene in any of them.  To be honestly “drama-free” you would have to be emotionally numb, and while I am sure some people qualify, I do not necessarily see that as a good thing.  Everyone you meet will have some form of baggage, yet I think it is reasonable to expect that it be “carry-on” size rather than a full set of Samsonite’s.
 
Regarding how to “be” or “become” a Master, I can only add to the previous comments with a small bit of wisdom I have gleaned from my limited experience with the lifestyle.  “Each person’s journey is unique.  Follow when you must, but eventually, every Master makes His own path.”  That is not to say you cannot learn a lot from the experience of others, but to actually “be” a Master, at some point you are going to have to stand on your own and say, “no, that is not the path for Me … I am going this way instead.”  Don’t try to cross that bridge too soon, however.
 
Good Luck!


_____________________________

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." -- Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See

(in reply to SirUlfric)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Need some help in learning to be a master - 8/14/2006 9:41:24 AM   
CreoleCook


Posts: 321
Joined: 10/9/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: scottjk

<sighs>

Okay, people. Can't you keep it simple? He's asking for a place to start, don't overwhelm the guy for pete's sake!



Importantly, decide for yourself what is good for yourself. Seek advice, but don't assume "It's a rule." Well, with one exception: Safe, Sane, Consensual. Google that one. :)




I want someone to explain to me how when they explore beastiality, they get the snakes/dog/gerbil/whatever's... consent?!?

While I'm throwing my nickel in here, I gotta ask... What in the Hells does "WIITWD" stand for?  been in this style of living for nigh on 15 years or so, myself... and have never heard that acronym...

As for my opinion... Sure, do some reading... hell, if you have an interested girlfriend, do some light fetish play... blindfolds, spanking her butt, etc... just don't go overboard.  Go to a munch.  Even better, go to a dungeon, or a play party.  There you can observe others, and ask as many questions as you want, before or After the scene... (not during, as other Dominants might get annoyed or lose concentration, which is NOT a good thing.)

Best advice I can give you is this:  Do some reading, do some talking, do some watching... but remember, you don't have to follow someone else's rules, laws, or way of doing things, but you should keep an open mind and accept other people's behaviour, even if you never want to try it yourself. 

CC

PS... I prefer R.I.S.K.  Risk Awareness, Consensual Kink.

(in reply to scottjk)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Need some help in learning to be a master - 8/14/2006 10:45:51 AM   
RFlagg


Posts: 8
Joined: 7/30/2005
Status: offline 		WIITWD: What it is that we do

Generally, it is a BDSM term for everything and anything related to the various lifestyles without having to be specific and without getting into semantics and excessive details.  (At least, that is my understanding of the term ... someone else might think differently. *smile*)


_____________________________

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." -- Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See

(in reply to CreoleCook)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Need some help in learning to be a master - 8/14/2006 8:41:48 PM   
SirUlfric


Posts: 2
Joined: 8/13/2006
Status: offline 		 To RFlagg,
Thank you very much for the advice.  I am very seriously contemplating being overwhelmed.  I need to get a handle on all my needs and emotions before I am ready to have someone depend on me that deeply.  I won't let it overwhelm me to the detriment of another.  Because I only started the journey 4 months ago, I have a long road ahead.  I am a quick learner, though.  Something this stimulating (being a Dom) can take a little while to become used to.  Right now I am equating it all with sex.  I don't want it to just be about sex, so I intend to slow it down for a while until I can examine that as well.  Thank you all again.  Very good post.

SirUlfric

(in reply to RFlagg)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Need some help in learning to be a master - 8/15/2006 11:09:51 AM   
RFlagg


Posts: 8
Joined: 7/30/2005
Status: offline 		To CreoleCook;

BTW: it is rACk not rISk (for Risk Aware Consensual Kink).

I quoted it as RISK as well until I tried to remember the acronym and realized I had been reading it wrong all this time. *smile*

RISK ... hmmmm ... Rarely Ideal but Safe Kink?



_____________________________

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." -- Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See

(in reply to CreoleCook)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Need some help in learning to be a master - 8/15/2006 11:12:20 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Really I Should have Known?


Don't you hate it when you trip on the simple stuff,  It always seems to happen when one is making an overall very elegant point.

That is why I rarely trip!!!!

LOLOLOLOL,
Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to RFlagg)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Need some help in learning to be a master - 8/16/2006 2:32:18 AM   
CreoleCook


Posts: 321
Joined: 10/9/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RFlagg

To CreoleCook;

BTW: it is rACk not rISk (for Risk Aware Consensual Kink).

I quoted it as RISK as well until I tried to remember the acronym and realized I had been reading it wrong all this time. *smile*

RISK ... hmmmm ... Rarely Ideal but Safe Kink?









Yer right...  I typed risk, and meant rack.... I sit corrected.

CC

(in reply to RFlagg)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Need some help in learning to be a master - 11/14/2007 1:39:49 AM   
scottjk


Posts: 335
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		Just a follow up.

Since you're starting out, just refer to yourself as a Dom. (I do.) No such things as ranks, but it covers the bases in terms of dominance and submissives. Any title you decide on is something that you'll require your sub use in adressing you or referring to you. One important thing I want to point out to you? Examine your motives for doing this. If your only answer to this is, "Cuz it's fooking hot!", burn this thread and find a therapist! (chuckle)

Acutally, if your list of motivations are centered mostly on you, you're going to fail, often and with a great deal of anguish and pain. You'll also be harming subs in profound ways that'll haunt you for the rest of your life. This is territory that is more unforgiving than anything your worst nightmares can produce. Fucking up in this lifestyle has the potential of destroying bodies, personality and even death. I'm not overstating this. Any sub that agrees to play with you is betting her body, mind and life that you've got what it takes to make her deleriously happy. If you mess up at that point, you'll be lucky to walk away with your soul intact along with your freedom.

Why did I mention the risks to your freedom? Because the most basic element to this kind of relationship is the use of violence. In the eyes of the law, consent is not recognized anywhere in the U.S. to my knowlege. That means, my young friend, if there is evidence of violence on your sub's body, anyone can file a complaint against you, legal and civil and you'll find yourself arrested and facing a jury. Keep this clear in your mind. You're going to get involved with breaking local, state and federal law, in spite of the fact that your sub wanted it. That includes rape. If the sub decides you're deserving, or some one else is, the evidence WILL be collected, and you will go away for a long, long time. "But she consented" is not a legal defense of any kind. If your first response is, "That'll never happen." Don't walk, RUN away from this lifestyle. You don't belong in it. Most Doms understand this fact, and take steps to provide the reasonable assurance that thier subs are protected, and then themselves. If any one thing doesn't seem right, we'll refuse to get involved. Integrity in this lifestyle is like pure gold.

Did I miss anything anyone?

_____________________________

Thou art fertile ground and I will plant a garden in thee.

(in reply to CreoleCook)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Need some help in learning to be a master - 11/14/2007 7:06:35 AM   
MasterLehr1


Posts: 10
Joined: 10/26/2007
Status: offline 		I give you alot of credit for coming on this forum and asking how to do it right. Nothing is more dangerous or annoying than a "master"
who tries to "fake it", and you are to be commended for your willingness to learn.

Most of the advice posted here is good.  Start out as a Dom, read a good book, get to know a Dom/sub or Master/slave couple in the area and see how they play.  Approach them with respect and sincerity...then there will be many who'll love to show you how it's done.

And the number one rule?  Ask LOTS of questions. But that will be true whether you are a fresh noob or a seasoned Master.





(in reply to bmysub)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Need some help in learning to be a master - 11/14/2007 11:02:08 AM   
MystressDream


Posts: 345
Joined: 7/11/2004
From: Colorado
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressMaamNH

To "Master" something...you must spend a great deal of time, energy and effort Learning about the subject-which means all aspects of it, to know which works best for you. You begin this by reading all you can get your hands on.  You say that you are into needleplay and a few other things....I wonder what that means. Where do you get your needles, what safety health precautions do you take, how do you get rid of the used needles, do you re-use them...so many things to consider.  Once you have read all you can on the topic of BDSM D/s, then you will find out where your interests are, and what to explore further.  Next, I wonder, have you joined a local munch? Meeting real life people who  have similar interests is next way to learn about something in a genuine, tangible.

I, too, agree with the other posts...you really need to do something with that profile. Attention to detail is so very important if you want to even begin to contemplate  having someone place their health and safety in your hands. First impressions are so important. When the written word is your first and primary means of communication, making sure that you make the necessary effort to come across as articulate and intelligent is so very important.  Spell-check takes only a moment, and can make such a difference.
That's just some food for thought.

MMNH



You have received some wonderful advice.  The problem I would see in my area is you have to be 21 to even get into the groups, munches and clubs.  There is a reason for that.
 
Live experience and maturity are crucial in being a Dominant.  As far as a Master?  That comes with years of experience and a great deal of knowledge.  Self appointed titles are worthless.
 
Think of it this way.... Anyone can go into a hardware store and buy some tools and wire.  Can they then step out into the world and tell everyone they are a Master Electrician?  Hardly.  They have to study, learn, and even apprentice for a lengthy period of time to earn that title.

_____________________________

Knowledge and experience are wonderful things to share. When we stop asking questions, we might as well "hang it up".

check out: www.enclaveproductions.com
www.enclavewest.com

(in reply to MistressMaamNH)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Need some help in learning to be a master - 11/15/2007 7:03:51 AM   
Phoenix2raven


Posts: 347
Joined: 10/14/2006
Status: offline 		As everyone has said in essence slow waaaaaay down. Change your profile and remain teachable . Find a local munch talk to people there. Find out what your kinks are and what you enjoy most. If you haven't already go buy screw the roses give me the thorns and read it .It will give you a base and foundation to build on if you don't find a Dom willing to show you the ropes. Oh and use spell check sorry but if you want to present yourself well it would be in your best interest.  http://www.google.com/tools/firefox/toolbar/FT3/intl/en/index.html 

_____________________________

If you're a Dominate, are you looking for a sublimate?

(in reply to bmysub)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Need some help in learning to be a master - 11/15/2007 7:26:02 AM   
shootingstar67


Posts: 195
Joined: 10/29/2007
Status: offline 		I think in the BDSM days of yore(old guard)..one earned the title of being a Master by living as a slave for awhile. It might suck for a dominant but it makes sense to me.

You can't learn to be a good parent till you were a child who had a good(or bad) parent. You can't learn to be a good manager till you learn to become a good employee. Good leaders know what it is like to follow and can be good followers.



_____________________________

I am a Female Submissive exploring these boards.

(in reply to Phoenix2raven)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Need some help in learning to be a master - 11/15/2007 8:07:44 AM   
ABMaster


Posts: 17
Joined: 3/9/2007
Status: offline 		I've been in the lifestyle for only 12 years but I have some advice based on my experience.
  1. Become a sponge for information - books, web resources.
  2. Don't rush into things before you're ready.
  3. Find the local groups and join.
  4. Find an experienced switch or submissive who is willing to help you gain skill in the activities that interest you the most. Don't let your ego prevent you from learning from someone who is not a Top/Dom.
  5. Find a Mentor who is willing to guide you and answer your questions.
  6. Understand that calling yourself a Master, with no experience, is a bit presumptous.
Just go and learn!

(in reply to bmysub)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Need some help in learning to be a master - 11/16/2007 4:09:01 PM   
GrumpyDawg


Posts: 2
Joined: 11/16/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MystressDream
You have received some wonderful advice.  The problem I would see in my area is you have to be 21 to even get into the groups, munches and clubs.  There is a reason for that.
 
Live experience and maturity are crucial in being a Dominant.  As far as a Master?  That comes with years of experience and a great deal of knowledge.  Self appointed titles are worthless.
 
Think of it this way.... Anyone can go into a hardware store and buy some tools and wire.  Can they then step out into the world and tell everyone they are a Master Electrician?  Hardly.  They have to study, learn, and even apprentice for a lengthy period of time to earn that title.


I appreciate your post! While reading this thread has been very informative, I'm also on a journey of my own. Being only 20 and researching BDSM can be interesting. While I have free access to books and literature, (that I do enjoy reading) I am still distanced from the events and munches.

I completely understand the age restrictions. I'm looking it through the glasses of being able to read, observe online, and learn as much as possible before I take the next step.

Being a "noob" is never easy. But thankfully, I have bumped into a lot of great people who were willing to take time to answer some of the simplest questions that I had.

Best wishes to A/all.

- Grumpy

(in reply to MystressDream)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Need some help in learning to be a master - 11/16/2007 4:55:05 PM   
MidnightMaiden


Posts: 142
Joined: 10/22/2007
Status: offline 		I see a Master/slave relationship as deep, as important and as lasting as a vanilla marriage is intended to be.  If these young Masters were to go through their profiles and replace the word "slave" with "wife", how would they feel then?  Are they looking for disposable slaves?  Wouldn't you want to be sure that you could live with a long term (with the hopes of life long) relationship before collaring someone?  Or am I placing too much importance on the collar?  Is it meant to be velcro for both parties?  I know subs are accused of wearing velcro collars, but it seems to me that Masters this young are not looking for their life partner, they are looking for a good time.  If they had to go through a legal ceremony to collar (just like a wedding) and then more importantly a legal procedure to end the relationship (just like a divorce) would they be so eager for a slave?

Is it just me?  Am I placing too much importance on the collar?  But then isn't a M/s relationship meant to be deeper and more committed than a D/s relationship?

(in reply to Evanesce)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Need some help in learning to be a master - 11/16/2007 5:04:23 PM   
azropedntied


Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline 		You wish to learn , Yes Online can give advice ,Yes it can also give insight and information and some  knowlage .Reading  respected authors of all types of bdsm writting will also help .Ask yourself who and what and why  with your desires aswell .Get out into the real world attending events ,get involved in your  bdsm community , meet and greet and observe .The Southwest Leather event Master Fire  made mention of is an amazing event in where your head will spin and gain so much from just one event .In time you may also  find in your travels and cominity envolvments  you find a Master you may wish to respectfuly  advise or maybe mentor you .Do not be in a hurry , if this is who you are you have a life long  journey and never stop learning .

(in reply to MidnightMaiden)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Need some help in learning to be a master - 11/16/2007 8:05:20 PM   
GrumpyDawg


Posts: 2
Joined: 11/16/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MidnightMaiden

I see a Master/slave relationship as deep, as important and as lasting as a vanilla marriage is intended to be.  If these young Masters were to go through their profiles and replace the word "slave" with "wife", how would they feel then?  Are they looking for disposable slaves?  Wouldn't you want to be sure that you could live with a long term (with the hopes of life long) relationship before collaring someone?  Or am I placing too much importance on the collar?  Is it meant to be velcro for both parties?  I know subs are accused of wearing velcro collars, but it seems to me that Masters this young are not looking for their life partner, they are looking for a good time.  If they had to go through a legal ceremony to collar (just like a wedding) and then more importantly a legal procedure to end the relationship (just like a divorce) would they be so eager for a slave?

Is it just me?  Am I placing too much importance on the collar?  But then isn't a M/s relationship meant to be deeper and more committed than a D/s relationship?



Midnight,

I apologize if this is too forward for my 2nd post, but I think that is a complete sterotype of young people. Personally, I am looking for a life partner. I'm actually looking for that before I look for a slave. Can you really have a true D/s relationship with someone that you don't see as a life partner? I could be off in left field of what I have read so far, but this is my take on a D/s relationship. Please tell me if I've missed the mark.

I'm looking for an intellectual partner, someone that can learn me mind, body, and soul. I'm looking for someone that can stand beside me in the vanilla world, but know her place in our dwelling. I want someone that will please me as I reward her. I even want someone that will be the mother of my children. Not only do I want her to wear my collar, but I want her to wear my ring.

Is that just way off?

- Grumpy

(in reply to MidnightMaiden)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Need some help in learning to be a master - 11/16/2007 10:32:13 PM   
erebus


Posts: 169
Joined: 1/15/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SaphireLynn

No one can teach you to be a Master it is who you are... Now you can be taught to Top another. You are new to the lifestyle with no real experience yet you are seeking a slave... that makes no sense.You have lots of  lifestyle Loves and Likes but if you have no real experiences  they should be courious about...


My first thought, as well.  Either you are dominant, or you aren't.  You don't learn to be a leader or a follower.  That is your nature.

The tricks and the techniques, well, that is a different matter.

(in reply to SaphireLynn)
Profile   Post #: 40
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