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RE: question - 12/25/2004 8:26:56 AM

nurruu

Posts: 15
Joined: 12/14/2004
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I want to thank everyone for the conversation.....

I posted because it is time for me to learn more and be honest. It was a big step for me to be upfront about my past.....wasn't sure what the response would be...so thank you for the heartfelt responses.
My tolerance for pain is a lot lower than it was....I used to be able to take any sort of pain but now I am not able too...which is probably a good thing :)

nurruu

(in reply to misschevious)

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RE: question - 12/25/2004 10:16:31 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
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slavedesires--i suggest you edit your post and remove the K-9 reference or the mods may delete your entire post, as it is against the TOS, sorry.

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Post #: 22

RE: question - 12/25/2004 10:27:33 PM

darkpetal

Posts: 24
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was wondering....
how does one get inner strength if there is no self esteem?

peta

< Message edited by darkpetal -- 12/25/2004 10:39:01 PM >

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RE: question - 12/26/2004 3:15:32 AM

sterlingsweet

Posts: 180
Joined: 8/10/2004
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Hello nurruu,

For me personally...I have a trauma based backround.
I wondered too way I was always attracted or began relationships with Strong Dominating women in my Vanilla relationships.

I was very good at hiding my submissive core in order to feel safe...so I was viewed by others as a very strong outgoing personality, of which some is true.
When I became interested in the Lifestyle and claiming my True sense of self, I started to realize why my past relationships were not successful, because my falsifying my exterior did not let my partner really know who I was and my needs and desires. Also the confusion on my lovers part meeting a strong independent woman, who after a time of trust established became very submissive.

When I meet my Mistress, I was upfront and totally honest about my past, my feelings, needs and desires...I kept expecting Her to go away, but she is still with me, 8 months later. She knows of my strengths and my weaknesses and is helping me by making decisions and supporting me to be the best me I can be. Growth and Heathiness being very important aspects to our relationship. So I am very grateful to be experiencing the difference between how my past was controled in unheathy, negative ways and how the present control by my Mistress is a healthy and good control with possitive outcomes happening all the time!

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< Message edited by sterlingsweet -- 12/26/2004 3:19:57 AM >

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RE: question - 12/26/2004 11:04:25 PM

mysticsoul

Posts: 55
Joined: 12/26/2004
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I like this topic since it does hit close to home for me too (no pun intended!)

I was with a guy who was dominant only he did not inform me that we were going to be in this type of lifestyle - his dominance was abusive. Nothing was discussed beforehand and I didn't have any choice or say. He would pull my hair or hit on me and be very intimidating - I was afraid of him and eventually escaped his hold over me.

Thats all changed now that I've had time to recover mentally from it all. I discovered that I was submissive and thought that I had something wrong within myself to want to submit but that was not true. My Master I am with now is very understanding of my past. He is in control but knows I can be a brat sometimes and we deal with it when it arises but He doesn't hit in anger - He doesn't intimate me to where I am afraid of Him.

The difference is that submission is a choice - being abused isn't (if it isn't what your after, that is!)

Reminds me of a quote I once read: "A Master guides by more than force or fear. He inspires loyalty and devotion by His very actions."

(in reply to misschevious)

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RE: question - 12/27/2004 7:00:34 AM

SoulsMusik

Posts: 1
Joined: 12/22/2004
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Thank you so much for sharing that true story mystic. I too, had a Dominant that actually hit me in anger and i was floored at his behavior and lack of self control, however, there were many other mental and emotional red flags that also flew over those last few months too. I am not with another Dominant right now, however, i have made enough mistakes being with the last one, that i do know now, the difference between Domination and Domineering not to mention behaviors that are more abusive and emotionally harmful. that isn't what this lifestyle is all about or what i'm all about, so i continue my painstaking search for that healthy twisted Dominant i so desire to submit to.....

quote:

ORIGINAL: mysticsoul

I like this topic since it does hit close to home for me too (no pun intended!)

I was with a guy who was dominant only he did not inform me that we were going to be in this type of lifestyle - his dominance was abusive. Nothing was discussed beforehand and I didn't have any choice or say. He would pull my hair or hit on me and be very intimidating - I was afraid of him and eventually escaped his hold over me.

Thats all changed now that I've had time to recover mentally from it all. I discovered that I was submissive and thought that I had something wrong within myself to want to submit but that was not true. My Master I am with now is very understanding of my past. He is in control but knows I can be a brat sometimes and we deal with it when it arises but He doesn't hit in anger - He doesn't intimate me to where I am afraid of Him.

The difference is that submission is a choice - being abused isn't (if it isn't what your after, that is!)

Reminds me of a quote I once read: "A Master guides by more than force or fear. He inspires loyalty and devotion by His very actions."

(in reply to mysticsoul)

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RE: question - 12/27/2004 9:04:27 AM

RealityFix

Posts: 156
Joined: 8/12/2004
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Speaking from the Top side, I have had subs in the past who came from abuse situations. Some had dealt with it, others had not. The ones who had not were in a constant state of turmoil, and it was not good for the relationship. It was very much like walking a minefield in the dark,wondering when the next step would result in an emotional implosion.

The biggest part of the healing of those who had healed, was forgiving *themselves*,strange as that may seem. I guess there were esteem issues from feeling that they could have DONE something,but did not..

Now I don't claim to be any kind of therapist- I don't have formal training (and feel that any Dom who is an "ameteur shrink" had better get HIS head examined for loose fittings!!!) But I was able to help with one constant reenforcement.

The reminder that they were STILL giving past abusers power, by clinging to the abuse memories, and giving that person ongoing power over them. Long after the abuser had ceased to be any part of thier lives.

Think about it.

< Message edited by RealityFix -- 12/27/2004 9:06:18 AM >

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RE: question - 12/29/2004 4:36:47 PM

January

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Joined: 4/17/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: darkpetal

was wondering....
how does one get inner strength if there is no self esteem?

peta

Indeed, Peta. I think your point is well taken. Until a person has that self-esteem I think messing around with D/s is dangerous, and potentially self-destructive.

January

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RE: question - 12/29/2004 4:43:36 PM

January

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mysticsoul

The difference is that submission is a choice - being abused isn't.

I guess I'm not sure this is wholly true. IMO, a wounded, previously abused human being can't offer true consent. In this case submission isn't a real choice at all.

January

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[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]

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Post #: 29

RE: question - 12/29/2004 9:57:54 PM

liljoy

Posts: 577
Joined: 3/25/2004
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quote:

nurruu,

First sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you. i've been working a lot of hours.
Now what i meant by feeling more free once you've submitted is kinda like this. i'e done things for Master that i would never have done on my own but things that i too get a kick out of. One example is flashing truck drivers lol. i get a naughty kick out of it, but would never have done it on my own beacuase it is naughty in my mind. There are other little hang up that i have. i think it's a result of the good girls don't do certain things mentallity. If i do it because Master has asked it of me then it's ok in my head to do it and to enjoy it.
i hope this explains it better
lil_joy

(in reply to January)

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Post #: 30