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Subs that demand? - 8/14/2006 3:50:59 AM   
TNSilverDragon


Posts: 3
Joined: 7/14/2006
Status: offline 		I care about my subs a lot. I have a couple that are LD and seem to demand I be on my computer more time that I can be. I have a live in slave who has children that I help her with her. It is also the summer and I spend a great deal of time in the outdoors working on my farm. When I get on, I get whining about how time I spend with the subs or I get told that I spend too much time with my live in, who I love very much but she is not the reason I am not on computer. It is simple, I love the summertime and when winter gets here I am on the computer more often.This has been explained but I  do not know how to get it across to the subs. Frankly, this kind of stuff gets tiresome but I would love to find a happy medium. Any suggestions?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Subs that demand? - 8/14/2006 4:02:47 AM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		Perhaps we are spread too thin.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to TNSilverDragon)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Subs that demand? - 8/14/2006 4:20:54 AM   
SilverWulf


Posts: 196
Joined: 4/7/2005
Status: offline 		Decide what is most important, make a list if need be.  Figure out which of those things need the most attention and distribute your time/attentions appropriately.

Will your online subs be joining you in RL someday soon?  If not, is it worth the time invested (taken away) from your RL responsibilities?  Is what you get out of these online relationships important enough to you to continue?  Which means more, the girl kneeling in front of you or the girl at the other end of the PM box?

Working the farm, putting food on the table and meeting your responsibilities is a basic drive that should not have to be explained.  If these girls cannot understand this perhaps there is a deeper rift that needs to be explored.

Regards,
SilverWulf

(in reply to mstrjx)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Subs that demand? - 8/14/2006 5:07:45 AM   
diamonddreamlove


Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline 		I was an online sub long before becoming r/t.  There were times when i was impatient that my Dom did not spend time with me but to complain about it would have resulted in punishment of even less time.  Everyone has responsibilities perhaps the subs are not meeting theirs and You could asign them additional work or reading or whatever to keep their minds occupied.  In short give Your subs the gift of feeling wanted and needed by giving them assignments and reminding them that each complaint takes 5 minutes or whatever You wish time away from them and give their time to the ones that are pleasing You rather than whining at You.  Hopefully i have not overstepped my sub boundaries and thank You for listening. 

_____________________________

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

(in reply to SilverWulf)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Subs that demand? - 8/14/2006 5:19:01 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Without knowing how much time you give them, this is impossible to answer.  Daily?  Once a week?  Less?  Are they demanding, as you say?  As in, "Master you need to spend more time with me."  Or, do they miss you and are expressing sadness in their feelings of neglect?  How much time do you spend with them when you do spend time?

On one hand, they could be out of line and need to learn patience.  On the other, do you own that which you do not have time for, and is your neglect only fostering their sentiment?  Have you owned them long, and was it made clear to them prior to June that you would not be spending time with them in the summer?

It could simply be that they just miss you.  Can you talk to them on the phone, so you can tend to them while staying away from the computer?  Lots of cell phones are blue tooth compatible now.  A cell phone on a belt case can free your hands to do what you need to, while conversing with them.

You tend to your farm to yield a good crop.  Do you tend to your subs to get what you want from them?

(in reply to TNSilverDragon)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Subs that demand? - 8/14/2006 7:20:25 AM   
MzTlaz


Posts: 140
Joined: 8/8/2006
Status: offline 		I agree with SilverWulf.  You need to sort out your priorities.  If your online subs are not going to become RT then what is it you get from them that you aren't getting from your RT sub? 

I've seen Doms who neglect what they have RT to get the power/control buzz from cyber subs...never have understood that and I probably never will.

(in reply to SilverWulf)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Subs that demand? - 8/14/2006 7:24:05 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Anyone that would demand anything of me via the computer would demand themself right into ignore/block. My daily life and those in it are my priority. If an online friend cannot understand that then I view them as a wee bit mentally unstable and they need to move along. I say online friend because until I spend face to face time with someone, that is ALL they are. I may have an interest in them, and hope that it can become more but until that is a physical reality, I owe them nothing more than friendship. An online friendship has the obvious limitations. For them to have greater expectations is rediculous.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Subs that demand? - 8/14/2006 8:01:34 AM   
DelRey


Posts: 314
Joined: 12/3/2005
Status: offline 		Ummmm....
try taking on 20 or 50 more subs that way when they individually bitch it will be more spread out.

Or

you could use the new clock, you know the one that has unlimited hours before the next day begins...


sounds stupid, huh !?

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Subs that demand? - 8/14/2006 8:17:02 AM   
Tikkiee


Posts: 1099
Joined: 4/6/2006
Status: offline
quote:

Anyone that would demand anything of me via the computer would demand themself right into ignore/block.

Ditto

_____________________________

~~@ cass @~~

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Subs that demand? - 8/14/2006 8:29:21 AM   
RFlagg


Posts: 8
Joined: 7/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

"I care about my subs a lot."
"I have a couple that … demand I be on my computer more time [than] I can be."
"I get whining about how [little] time I spend with [them]."
"[My situation] has been explained but I do not know how to get it across to the subs."
 
Your subs “demand” things from you?  Who exactly is the Dominant in these relationships? *smile*

Actually, I have had this exact same problem (with additional wrinkles).  Ultimately, it comes down to what you are prepared to accept from your subs and what kind of dynamic you have within your relationships.  “Yield to all, and you will soon have nothing to yield.” – Aesop.  If they are not willing or able to abide by your conditions, then something has to give.  As was suggested in Post #2, it might be time to focus on the ones that are most important to you and say good-bye to the rest.


But before making that move, have you at least tried the following:

-        Create a Schedule
Do your subs know when you will be available to be with them?  I know subs do not always like the idea of booking times with their Dom, but just let them know that, until the winter at least, the alternative is to be released, or to get no time at all.  Furthermore, make sure that any schedule you create is one that meets YOUR needs first, not theirs.  If they beg for changes, and you can accommodate them, then by all means tweak the schedule, but do not overlook the fact that the schedule is for YOUR time!  If you make a schedule you cannot keep, then things are likely to be even worse (whining wise, that is).

-        Group Time Together
Do you share your time with multiple subs at the same time?  Is this good for your subs, or is this also a source of “whining”?  If your time is really limited, at least they can have some of your attention, even though it is shared, which again might be better than the alternatives (release, no time at all).

-        Reward/Punish with Time
As mentioned above, make your subs aware that you are not happy with their whining and detail that there will be consequences if it continues.  If they continue, be strong and carry out the punishments.  Of particular effect is a punishment they do not like (such as reduced time with you, since that is what they are whining about).  Make them realize they should be grateful for what they do get, rather than trying to manipulate you into giving them what you are not able to or prepared to give.

-        "Connect" without being Present
Can you maintain a “connection” with your subs while you are not online?  I have seen this done a number of ways over the years.  One example was a slave who had to do her housework while listening to a recording of her Master’s voice.  (Of course, you can be quite creative with this.)  Another was a list of tasks the slave had to accomplish before she could talk to her Master online.  This kind of connection can be anything from something as trivial as wearing a symbol of ownership under clothes at work, to attending evening classes to further the subs education.  Obviously, this kind of “connection” would need to be specifically tailored to the specific sub and fit the kind of relationship you two have, and would likely be different for each sub.

-        Alternate Communication
As said above, can you communicate with other methods besides the computer?  Cell phones while you are working could be effective (check out your local electronics store for some ideas on hands-free operation) but also having your subs journaling to a weBLOG or with email can give them a sense of communicating as well.  You can read and respond to your subs at your convenience, which might add to the amount of time you get to be with them (in a sense at least) in that you and your subs do not have to be online at the same time for this.

-        Promote from Online to Real-life
Is it time to move some of these online, long-distance relationships into something more substantial and more permanent?  Is that actually why you are hearing so much “whining”?  Is there some deeper message involved along the lines of “I want to be with you” that you are not hearing or not accepting?


For what it is worth, this happens a lot.  One of the most frequent complaints I hear from online slaves is that their Masters spend too little time with them, and always add that it is because they are spending way more time with someone else, usually other online slaves or their Masters’ real-life slaves.  Your subs should consider themselves lucky that you are at least aware of the issue and looking for solutions.  Many of the Masters I know simply say “enough” when they hear their less-favored girls start to complain.

Good Luck!

_____________________________

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." -- Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See

(in reply to TNSilverDragon)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Subs that demand? - 8/14/2006 9:34:55 AM   
Catlynn


Posts: 3
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline 		First a side an off topic side thought. Every one keeps saying RL and online but what’s the difference? The people on the other end of the PM box are still real people with real emotions. And the relationship you have with that person is just as real. The only difference is how you communicate. In this day and age you can talk over a microphone and view web cams. And despite the physical distance you still get to know a person. What they are like what kind of personality they have and though you’ve never touched them or hugged them or spanked them you can still become attached to that person. Communicating over the Internet doesn’t make them any less of a person or any less important to another. And it is not unreasonable to care for or even love some one you communicate with online.

Now more on topic, I have to say I like diamonddreamlove’s idea of giving them assignments so that they can feel like they are serving you with while you are attending to other things. As a matter of fact I might start doing that with my slave in Amsterdam. Another idea is to ask them if it is worth ending the relationship and allow them some time to think of not having a relationship with you at all. That may allow them to re-evaluate the situation and learn an appreciation for the time they do get with you. Also if they know you run a farm then it only stands to reason that they would know that you have very many obligations. But in all honesty what it comes down to is do YOU feel like you are spending enough time with them or not. If you feel as though you should be giving them a bit more of your attention, then do so. If you cannot afford the time then tell them you are busy this season and your time will become more sparing in the future. At that point it will be up to the submissive if it is worth waiting or not. If you can find ways to give them more time with out compromising your other obligations then it is up to you to choose to give it to them or not.

(in reply to Tikkiee)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Subs that demand? - 8/14/2006 12:10:36 PM   
RFlagg


Posts: 8
Joined: 7/30/2005
Status: offline 		To Catlynn;

The primary difference between "online" and "real-life" is the physical separation, which eventually affects all other aspects of the relationship.  Recently, online, an ex-slave of Mine was complaining that I was being mean to her in emails and chats when in fact I was not.  We started an online chat and the discussion was intense, and the emotion of the moment was causing her to feel offended at almost everything I said, yet the reality was that I was just trying to make her laugh.

Finally, I dropped the "chat" and called her on the phone.  We talked for two hours, and afterwards I got a great email from her saying how much better she felt and how happy she was that she could hear My voice and know when I was joking and giving her a hard time versus being rude or critical.

While this is just a small example, the reality is that online and real-life interactions ARE different, and this results in a different type of relationship between the participants.  This does not mean online inherently has less value than real-life ... each relationship is what it is for the parties involved ... but it does mean that when I use a term like 'online' or 'real-life' people who have been involved with either are aware of the type of relationship and presumably can understand the intrinsic differences between the two (especially the challenges).  Evidence abounds on the net of people who have great online relationships that are better than many real-life ones.

I would add that when I refer to an ‘online relationship’, I am not referring to a chat with an anonymous person who I do not know at all.  We are all aware that there are people on the net who lie about there age, gender, location, appearance, experience and even people who pretend to be other online people, presumably in the hopes of getting others to reveal secrets about the imposter’s subject.  While all of these are also pitfalls of creating an online relationship, I would assume that the relationships in question here are already well beyond any of these kinds of concerns.  If not, then why even bother with them?


_____________________________

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." -- Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See

(in reply to Catlynn)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Subs that demand? - 8/14/2006 5:27:52 PM   
SilverWulf


Posts: 196
Joined: 4/7/2005
Status: offline 		IMO

There is a vast difference between online and RL that goes way beyond physical seperation.

I will not argue that someone can become seriously attached to another through the various online mediums.  Lost sleep, palpitating heart seeing their name light up, physical longing, etc... For whatever reason, it is very easy to become emotionally attached to someone very quickly online.  Yes, this happens IRL too of course.

I don't care how many hundreds of hours you spend talking with someone online, whether it is through chat, PM, webcams, or on the phone.  You do not know them until you are truly face to face in each others presence.

I spent an inordinate number of hours with a 'submissive' online and on the phone over a period of almost two years.  Everything seemed perfect!  Yet, the instant we met in person, I knew there was no chance in Hell of a long term relationship.  The chemistry wasn't there, and there was no way to make it magically happen.  This was not only My perception, but hers as well.  We went out and had a nice dinner, then I put her on the next plane back home.  This convinced Me of a nagging feeling that I had for a long time.  A strictly online relationship (or long term online before RL) is nothing but a waste of time and energy.   Again, just My opinion!

If strictly online is your only outlet and it works for you without hurting others, have a blast and enjoy the hell out of it.

For Me, to be a real relationship, it's got to be face to face and in person.

(in reply to RFlagg)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Subs that demand? - 8/14/2006 6:52:27 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		I was wondering if these LDR submissives are in other relationships with other Dominants?..If not ,then you are their focus.Whereas you are focused on the 3?..IMO maybe you should let the LDR submissives go to find a Dominant who is closer to them and can hopefully give them more then you seem to be able or wanting to do.IMO again and not meant to flame but it seems to me that you have bitten off more than you can chew,I find you to be a wee bit self centered in the fact that you should of been aware of the time needful in any relationship let alone 3 of them.And by just hearing of your resentment of the time you think they are demanding being taken away from your summer fun or your job just seems to be that you want convenient submissives there when you wish only and not there when you do not wish.How is this in any way shape or form having said submissives best interest at heart?..I wish you well with your dilemma...it sounds to me as if all 3 of your relationships are at risk...Tempting

(in reply to SilverWulf)
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RE: Subs that demand? - 8/14/2006 7:12:13 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		No one else has asked, so I will.  Why would you try to dominate more than one submissive if you can't manage your time and energy to do so?  Seems you have taken on a task that you were not prepared for and are misplacing the blame.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to TNSilverDragon)
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RE: Subs that demand? - 8/14/2006 7:12:53 PM   
Dauric


Posts: 254
Joined: 7/13/2006
Status: offline 		Funny you should bring this up today, there was a very good essay piece on News Hour that discussed what the writer called "Fading Friends"

Despite all our methods of communicating, the fact that we have more ways to talk to people all over the world, on the whole people say that they have fewer 'confidants' than twenty years ago. We can talk with more people farther away, but we are emotionally less connected then ever before.

I have to agree there's a fundamental difference between OL and RL. Now this is just me, but my own opininon is that online is fine as long as one of two things is the case:

A: It's a demand-free relationship; eg. you both have real-lives to deal with and both sides are understanding of this, and understand that either individual may wish to cut it off at any time for any reason.

-or-

B: That there is some plan that the OL relationship has the potential to become RL. The OL time is spent to decide of the expense and trouble of relocating (for whoever is doing it) is really going to be worth it.

There are things that I can do to connect with someone that I know face to face. If I can't get through their phone I can go to their house and knock on their door for example. With an online relationship if my internet goes kaphut for whatever reason, that's all she wrote until it gets fixed.

Just another $0.02 before interest and taxes.

Dauric.

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Subs that demand? - 8/14/2006 8:45:21 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TNSilverDragon

I care about my subs a lot. I have a couple that are LD and seem to demand I be on my computer more time that I can be. I have a live in slave who has children that I help her with her. It is also the summer and I spend a great deal of time in the outdoors working on my farm. When I get on, I get whining about how time I spend with the subs or I get told that I spend too much time with my live in, who I love very much but she is not the reason I am not on computer. It is simple, I love the summertime and when winter gets here I am on the computer more often.This has been explained but I  do not know how to get it across to the subs. Frankly, this kind of stuff gets tiresome but I would love to find a happy medium. Any suggestions?


I know this is ask a master forum and all, but I have to ask why have more submissives than you can look after emotionally? Now I am not one for whininess, or to think it is ok for submissives to be demanding, but even Islam has a clause in their religion that you are not supposed to take more wives than you can look after and support.

Personally speaking this is why I would find a poly relationship intenable for me. It is hard enough to find time to take care of BS everyday, find time that suits both schedules, then to have to compete with other submissives for that window of time to share with my Dominant. I wouldn't be suited for it and I would become a whiny bitch which would not be suitable for me or my Dom. Perhaps it isn't that they are being whiny because they are not submissive enough, perhaps a cyber collar puts them in a position that keeps them from having their needs met, and yes, submissives have needs too. If you are not able to find the time and energy to master these people LD, maybe the kind thing would be to free them to find someone that can? It would free up your schedule and give you time to focus on your farm more, and in addition it shows caring knowing you can't be all things to all people.. thats no failing, it is just reality if you ask me (which you didn't I know but it is just an opinion based on what information you provided). 

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to TNSilverDragon)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Subs that demand? - 8/14/2006 9:34:20 PM   
Evanesce


Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I care about my subs a lot. I have a couple that are LD and seem to demand I be on my computer more time that I can be. I have a live in slave who has children that I help her with her. It is also the summer and I spend a great deal of time in the outdoors working on my farm. When I get on, I get whining about how time I spend with the subs or I get told that I spend too much time with my live in, who I love very much but she is not the reason I am not on computer. It is simple, I love the summertime and when winter gets here I am on the computer more often.This has been explained but I  do not know how to get it across to the subs. Frankly, this kind of stuff gets tiresome but I would love to find a happy medium. Any suggestions?


The thing about taking on a submissive, or two or three or six, is that each one you take on is going to make more demands on your time... time that you MUST be willing and able to give to developing that relationship.  If you're unable or unwilling to dedicate this time to them, then perhaps you should not have so many subs. 
 
I'm assuming you're their only master and, if you look at it from their point of view, if you're off with another sub, or out in your garden or doing whatever, you're not giving any time to them.  And then when you DO get online, are you then dividing that time between two or more of them?  It seems to me that your real life is more important than they are, as it probably should be, and they're just a pleasant afterthought.  If I were one of those submissives, I'd be telling you to have a nice life and moving on to someone who has the time to devote to me and to us. 

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich


(in reply to TNSilverDragon)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Subs that demand? - 8/14/2006 9:51:22 PM   
Homestead


Posts: 1005
Status: offline 		Poor managment garners poor results.

(in reply to Evanesce)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Subs that demand? - 8/20/2006 12:08:55 PM   
masterhyyde


Posts: 57
Joined: 8/16/2006
From: Manhattan
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Tikkiee

quote:

Anyone that would demand anything of me via the computer would demand themself right into ignore/block.

Ditto


and again

(in reply to Tikkiee)
Profile   Post #: 20
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