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RE: I'm sure you've heard this one before... - 8/16/2006 7:21:33 AM

LaTigresse

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Joined: 1/15/2006
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Comunicate, comunicate, comunicate!

It is a common fact that men and women think completely differently about relationships and sex (if sex is part of what was implicated when you said "play")
As soon as there is any form of physical intimacy MOST women are thinking things like......relationship, commitment, etc. MOST men are thinking things like "wow she was kinda fun, liked the way she did that **** with her ****. But that **** was a little annoying. Well, let's see what this other chick is all about, maybe I will get back to that other girl."
Depending on several things......a few days, weeks, months later.....something will remind him of that first girl, maybe, "I kinda liked her, I should give her a call and see what she is doing this weekend. Maybe we could hang out and she will do that **** with her **** again. That annoying **** wasn't really that big a deal anyway."
Now the key here is this. All the time that guy was MIA the woman was imagining all sorts of horrible stuff, building it up in her head. She might have began to even fancy herself in luuuuuuuuuuuuuv with this guy, contemplating the idea that he might even be marriage material. Imagining that he lied to her, mislead her, just wanted another notch on his.......whatever. And while in that light you could potentially say that. BUT, considering the frame of mind the guy had, no. He was sooooooooo not even close to thinking beyond the moment, or maybe just another hot date/play session/whatever someday soon (soon being, in the next few weeks or so) He very likely never even began to think about relationship stuff, would not have a clue, would be terrified if he knew she had.
SOOOO, to bridge this gap of thought processes we need to begin communicating right away about expectations. What does each person want from "spending time together". Are you even close to being on the same page? No one is a mind reader, to expect it and be upset when the other person does not act in a manner that you desire based on those expectations, will only cause problems.

I realize that was all rather vanilla relationship oriented but it is still relationship. Men and women most generally just process this stuff differently. Not a bad thing, just different. It is only bad when one ASSUMES the other thinks/feels exactly as they do.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 8/16/2006 7:28:18 AM >

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RE: I'm sure you've heard this one before... - 8/16/2006 7:36:12 AM

losttreasure

Posts: 875
Joined: 12/17/2005
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I do sympathize with how you are feeling, utterly. I don't mean to encourage or discourage with my words, but perhaps provide some further insight. After all, how you feel in the end is all that really matters.

quote:

ORIGINAL: utterlybutterfli

... I hesitate to call it a relationship - but I suppose thats what it is.

Yes, you have a relationship. If you think about it, the real question is, what type of relationship is it currently and what kind of relationship will it eventually become?

quote:

ORIGINAL: utterlybutterfli

My problem...Is that its still early days for us - but I have a nasty feeling that hes pursuing ontact with other subs.

Again, all that matters is what you feel. Whether he is or isn't, you obviously feel that he may be and by virtue of the word "nasty", you don't appear to like that feeling.

quote:

ORIGINAL: utterlybutterfli

...We've never discussed exclusivity (is that a word? - its 3,30 am here) but - hes mentioned his displeasure that my profile was still up as seeking (its down now) but his remains up. I can see he's on collarme quite regularly...

I'd like to point out that the issue here is not only exclusivity. It's about visible evidence indicating your opinion that the relationship has the possibility of becoming something more if it's given exclusive attention. You might not have had a lengthy discussion and come to a mutual understanding, but exclusivity has been brought up. By removing your profile, you've given him a clear sign that you wish to devote your attention to developing the relationship. Even though he brought it up, it doesn't appear that he is willing to give you the same assurances.

quote:

ORIGINAL: utterlybutterfli

I also have had a couple of other 'red flags' that have happened - the first time we played he just stopped contact for a good 3-4 days , which I found a bit difficult to take - having spoken to him about this , he says he couldn;'t talk to me because his dad took ill that weekend, but he did use collarme that weekend, and I don't know if him texting me to say hello would have hurt.

quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

...While real life emergencies do happen from time to time, he was perfectly capable of making a quick call, sending an email, or text message to alert you about what had occurred. It is called common courtesy...

I'm going to agree with porcelaine on this point, but I'd also like to say that courtesy is in the eye of the beholder to some degree. He may not have the same values regarding what is courteous and what is not. The question is whether you consider his behavior acceptable, as he's not likely to change it. It would also be a good idea to remember that most people put their best foot forward when developing new relationships... if this is his best, you have to decide if you can live with how much courtesy he would show you on an everyday basis.

I also think there is a little more to it than just courtesy. It's a matter of attention and priorities... at least your perception of them. I suspect that you feel that regardless of how busy he is, if he has the time and ability to visit CollarMe, he has the time and ability to invest in your relationship by contacting you. By choosing not to, he's in effect demonstrating to you that he considers your relationship less important than whatever it is that he accomplishes by visiting CollarMe.

This may not be how he perceives things, but it doesn't invalidate how you feel. In the same respect, how you feel doesn't invalidate how he sees things.

Communication is the key, but it isn't a guarantee. Best wishes.

(in reply to utterlybutterfli)

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RE: I'm sure you've heard this one before... - 8/16/2006 9:14:25 AM

withthesewings

Posts: 29
Joined: 8/9/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
I know some will think I am wrong about this, but I am going to be blunt, in the beginning before we completely submit we have all the power.

Exactly.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

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RE: I'm sure you've heard this one before... - 8/16/2006 3:03:12 PM

utterlybutterfli

Posts: 49
Joined: 6/16/2006
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Thanks for all of your responses. Even the ones that suggest I need to grow up a little about this have been useful - if not perhaps intentionally

I've thought long and hard about this today - I haven't managed to speak to him yet ..*sigh*. But I have come to some conclusions.
Although I need monogamy in my relationships, its not necessarily about him. Its more about me. It wouldn't matter who it was. And you're all right - I should have made that clear in the beginning. because its a deal breaker for me.I don't blame him at all if he hasn't thought about exclusivity and I won't blame him even if he rejects the idea out of hand. It means we won't have sex any more - but there won't be any fault laid at his door from me. As for whether the fact that I happen to share a house with the father of my son meaning I can't ask, or expect exclusivity - I guess thats an opinion I don't share. Just because I can't afford to move right now, doesn't mean I have any less right to the things I need than any other woman. I do understand where the posters who have suggested this are coming from however..I would suggest that everyone comes from different circumstances..

Communication about this, yes, is very important. He never claimed to be psychic.We can't really go forward together until we've cleared this up. I am going to put my profile back up. I am going to take some deep breaths and discuss it with him. Not just this, lots of things. I might even send him a link of thisthread- if communications don't go so well.

But all of you, have been very helpful - I am grateful - even if others disapprove, of you taking time out to give me your thoughts on this.

But I still don't know what friggy-diggy means

(in reply to withthesewings)

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RE: I'm sure you've heard this one before... - 8/16/2006 3:48:14 PM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
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"Friggy-diggy".. I heard in a Richard Prior routinie.. I think he was using it instead of "oh just fuck it all!"

I wish you well, girl. I think ytou have made a wise decision.

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