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A sort of random question. - 8/16/2006 1:33:36 PM

behindmirrors

Posts: 340
Joined: 8/5/2006
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Hello everyone-
My Dom and I had an interesting conversation late last night, and I want to hear your opinions on/experiences with what we talked about.

How did you determine if you were dominant or submissive? Was it a "natural" role you fell into, was there some sort of epiphany, or did you just notice trends in your interactions with others and figure out what that meant to you one day? How did you end up in "the lifestyle"? Do you act your D/s "type" in interactions outside of your D/s relationship (For example, are you dominant in your work life and submissive in your private life, or vice versa)? If yes or no, what kind of feeling do you have about it?

This all started when I asked him how he figured out that he was dominant. We had a really engaging conversation on it, each sharing our side and take on the matter, and I'd like to see what is sparked here- what sort of answers I will get, etc.

Thanks, and be well.
behindmirrors.

Post #: 1

RE: A sort of random question. - 8/16/2006 1:42:40 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

I have always been me. I found that certain circles had a name for it is all.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to behindmirrors)

Post #: 2

RE: A sort of random question. - 8/16/2006 1:46:53 PM

Bearlee

Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline

I would agree with Ron. I've always been submissive...but never had a word for it. I don't want to be the leader, in spite of being a strong, capable woman. Upon discovering D/s and other aspects of BDSM, I realize some of my dating patterns were purely an attempt to be Dominated. I had no idea till I found this...and it's like coming home.

beverly

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 3

RE: A sort of random question. - 8/16/2006 1:54:25 PM

Slipstreme

Posts: 817
Joined: 1/1/2006
Status: offline

I've always been dominant in nature. Like the two posters before me, I didn't know exactly what that was.

_____________________________

Living the Dichotomy

Painslut? How about "Endorphin Junkie"?

For information about "the furry thing" please check out my profile journal entry for: 1/17/2006

Alpha of a leather family of four. Master to the slave z.

(in reply to Bearlee)

Post #: 4

RE: A sort of random question. - 8/16/2006 2:14:45 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

The first time I was labeled a submissive I was 24 years old, and this was before people discovered BDSM over the internet, or even AOL I believe (When did AOL start? But I digress).

I was involved in a summer romance with someone from Hollyweird and he was involved in the editing side of television. He was also familiar with this lifestyle. When we were intimate he stopped the "action" and started asking me questions about why I wanted to do certain things, and how I did them, and what the motivation for the things I was doing were. I answered him and he stated unequivocally I was a submissive. I asked what he meant by that and he was kinda shy in explaining it. Knowing what I know now he was probably not wanting to scare me or offend me with a descriptor of the lifestyle.

I have always been this way. It is just the way I am sexually and within the context of my relationships with members of the opposite sex that I find appealing. It is not a conscious decision, it is just a label to apply to who I am.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 8/16/2006 2:15:22 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to behindmirrors)

Post #: 5

RE: A sort of random question. - 8/16/2006 2:20:37 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

I have always been a bossy thang that wanted her own way. I enjoy running the show, can do it even if I am not "THE" boss..example: work. Even when I have started a job at a lowly bottom of the heap position I end up getting shoved up the ladder.
Another interesting thing this brings to mind. I was musing one evening on my drive home after a thread I read. About submissives/slaves being in service oriented occupations. I have on many occasions been in such and enjoyed it. I began to contemplate this. Was I a submissive/slave in serious denial? Did I really (as some macho Dom's, and not a few female submissives, think) just need to find that one REAL DOM? Oh the horror, the insanity! Sooooooo, I began to look at why? what about that type of work did I enjoy? A lightbulb went on.......tadaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! It was not the serving that thrilled me, though, being a good multi-tasker and people type person, I was good at it. It was the control! As a server/bartender/manager of a wild partying nighclub or swanky restaurant I was able to be part of the fun but always with that invisible barrier that kept me an observer and in control. When I would see patrons get smashed and make a fool of themself I would look down on them for their lack of control. And, I was the cool chick, the ice queen that never dated any patrons, always that distance. Always that control.
Regardless of my hands on experience I know that I have always been dominant. From bossing 5 younger siblings around, to the sort of work I have done, to how I am with current family and friends, I like controlling the situation but MOST of all myself.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Slipstreme)

Post #: 6

RE: A sort of random question. - 8/16/2006 2:22:20 PM

GeekFreak

Posts: 102
Joined: 4/24/2006
Status: offline

Being a swith, to me it was like this...

First - Oh...I like tieing people up and controlling them, that's fun

Second - Hmm....kinda fun to have that done to me too.

Third - Oh...some people call that a switch. I guess by definition that's what I am.

However, I've always just thought I was me...I don't care if people call me dominant, submissive, switch, pervert...and really don't like any specific label too much as it probably only partially defines me and my desires.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 7

RE: A sort of random question. - 8/16/2006 2:24:28 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: behindmirrors
How did you determine if you were dominant or submissive?

Time and experience.

quote:

Was it a "natural" role you fell into, was there some sort of epiphany, or did you just notice trends in your interactions with others and figure out what that meant to you one day?

When I discovered that there was a sub-culture about bdsm and Ds and Ms, I immediately identified as a submissive. Before that, I was who I was, but had no one to share it with so I thought it was just "more weird thoughts in my head." Since getting into it, I've had a varied amount of experiences and understandings about myself to be where I am now.

quote:

How did you end up in "the lifestyle"?

Initially falling into a bdsm chat room looking for cyber sex.

quote:

Do you act your D/s "type" in interactions outside of your D/s relationship (For example, are you dominant in your work life and submissive in your private life, or vice versa)? If yes or no, what kind of feeling do you have about it?

I'm a switch :) I act appropriate to the situation, but tend to have a traditionally dominant personality. For me an orientation is how I deal with authority within my personal relationships, it's not about "actions."

< Message edited by LuckyAlbatross -- 8/16/2006 2:25:47 PM >

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to behindmirrors)

Post #: 8

RE: A sort of random question. - 8/16/2006 2:28:23 PM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
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I bottomed twice in my life and felt like I was in a dark hole afterward.. then I just felt like i wanted to come up swinging. When I topped.. I felt like I was flying. My overall body felt great. .. plus I'm as about as submissive as a mac truck. I'm agreeable.. but don't let it be confused with submissiveness :)

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to behindmirrors)

Post #: 9

RE: A sort of random question. - 8/16/2006 2:44:44 PM

diamonddreamlove

Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline

I have always been able to lead if i have too i just don't like it. And i love being able to please others it makes my soul sing to see the pleasure in their eyes and hear it in their words. I fell into the world in my early 20's and didn't know the name but dang sure did like being tied up and tickeled or ..... whatever he wanted to do.

_____________________________

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 10

RE: A sort of random question. - 8/16/2006 3:10:56 PM

tade

Posts: 663
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Tampa Bay, Florida
Status: offline

As bad as this is going to sound I have always liked causing other people pain. Nothing to severe but more along the lines being a kid and laughing my ass of when I would trip on of my friends or getting the giggles when you can pop someone on the funny bone. Like most of the answers before when I grew older and hopefully more mature I realized there were people that liked to be in pain and the rest is history.

_____________________________

I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
Hunter S. Thompson

It's a magical world Hobbes 'ole buddy. Let's go explorin'~ Calvin

(in reply to diamonddreamlove)

Post #: 11

RE: A sort of random question. - 8/16/2006 3:47:18 PM

MissyRane

Posts: 1032
Joined: 5/11/2005
Status: offline

ehm by a mistake.....*no comment*

(in reply to tade)

Post #: 12

RE: A sort of random question. - 8/16/2006 4:04:11 PM

amayos

Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: behindmirrors

How did you determine if you were dominant or submissive? Was it a "natural" role you fell into, was there some sort of epiphany, or did you just notice trends in your interactions with others and figure out what that meant to you one day? How did you end up in "the lifestyle"? Do you act your D/s "type" in interactions outside of your D/s relationship (For example, are you dominant in your work life and submissive in your private life, or vice versa)? If yes or no, what kind of feeling do you have about it?

When I was young, I sought slavery. Not the hit me with a velvet paddle and coo in my ear sort, either. Perhaps my ideals were unattainable for the "real world", but whatever the reason, I eventually abandoned the longings and laid it at the door of folly of my youth. I have often mused whether or not what I desired was a dream, and that now I am awake—or if I have it backwards. Thought forms are mysterious things. Either way, I realized I could not trust in others to manifest a reality of slavery and ownership beyond the romantic role play. And so, slowly, I turned. In dominance I could let my vision breath life, and it felt right. The suffering of my first girls nourished me, and ever since I have become quite fond of devouring and possessing.

Often we hear the lamentations of those dominant females who despise the idea they secretly would submit to the right male. I personally don't doubt that I myself could be captured by a woman—but it would take something almost supernatural at this point.

< Message edited by amayos -- 8/16/2006 4:14:25 PM >

(in reply to behindmirrors)

Post #: 13

RE: A sort of random question. - 8/16/2006 4:43:53 PM

DoctorDubious

Posts: 267
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: behindmirrors

How did you determine if you were dominant or submissive?

Was it a "natural" role you fell into, was there some sort of epiphany, or did you just notice trends in your interactions with others and figure out what that meant to you one day? behindmirrors.

Hey behind.... and all.......

My take on it is...

some know, some grow
some uncover, some discover

some are sick, some say ick
some say yum... spank my bum

some are born
others know as
they're torn and worn...

>>was there some sort of epiphany

Yes, for me it twas epiphany
..... as for my beloved mates
they's groomed and stroked by dubious me
.... to grow beyond mere loves and hates...

**********************************

On more seriously dubious note,
I have abandoned a career, and a mind-set where
labels and titles and diagnoses form the world-view....

Most people clutch at a label,
a name, a word that describes their plight
...... and dammitall, the very relief of giving something a name
causes it all too soon.... to become a box to crawl inside...
...... a box that stops you from growing any larger than the box itself....

I'm sure you all are aware
that the shrinks are skurrying around,
disease-ifying everything they can,
while big-pharma throws millions at em
to convince us all we're only a pill away from happiness.

For example, if you like a little pain,
you are a DSM-IV 302.83

Inflict it, and DSM 302.84 is your middle name.

Trannies, those lovely dears with dicks
get a whole class to themselves.... 302.3
which is about the only fair shake
a woman born with a cock will ever get on this green planet.

I truly have no idea if I am a "Dom" or not...
... kinda just feels like "me" in here...
and really... isn't every relationship,
.. even every "scene"
... every encounter
unique and wonderful
and totally different
than everthying else that came before ....
or will come after.

Maybe you, gently reader,
aren't really "A Submissive" at all....
.... perhaps you are as unique as every snowflake

and there's no label for you at all

DD

(in reply to behindmirrors)

Post #: 14

RE: A sort of random question. - 8/16/2006 4:58:41 PM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

It was as natural as breathing for me to be Dominant. I like control, I like giving the orders and having them followed. I do not take orders and I am not submissive. I've tried bottoming and I will do it on MY terms, when I want to and with me calling the shots.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to DoctorDubious)

Post #: 15

RE: A sort of random question. - 8/16/2006 5:33:31 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

I decided based on submissive fantasies I've had off and on since I was about ten years old. Even as a pre-teenager, when all of my girl friends had a crush on Davey Jones of "The Monkees" fame, who did I have a crush on? Horror movie king Vincent Price (I just thought his creepiness and moustache and weird laughter and blue eyes were soooo HOT). My friends thought this was a little weird, but I dreamed of being one of his "medical experiments".

I'd heard of bdsm before I became involved in it, but hadn't lived any of it to any degree, even though my submissive fantasies continued. I'd had two boyfriends before I was married who spanked me a few times, but nothing "heavy", and certainly never exclusively bdsm oriented. If anything, the bdsm was very occasional with mostly always vanilla-oriented accompanying sex.

I did seem to usually choose Dominant boyfriends, though, with the exception of my late husband, who was probably asexual, and more on the submissive side, truth be told (but at the time we married, I didn't know that, or even suspect the asexuality really. And his kind of submissive personality didn't bother me at all).

I came to actual bdsm actvity pretty late in life (I am 46, and didn't really act on any of my desires physically to any extent, until about two years ago). I stumbled on to the Dungeon.net website about four years ago, completely by accident, and read almost everything on it. I read the personal ads, and started corresponding w/ a gentleman from there (we later turned out to be incompatible, but he was kind to me and gave me some good reading references to help me expand my bdsm knowledge).

I was in a desperately unhappy marriage w/no sexual activity for over ten years, and a litle over two years ago decided to have an affair w/a single man who proposed the idea to me who also happened to be interested and experienced in bdsm. He is really the one who was my first Dominant. Our affair lasted for about a year, and was a wonderful introduction to this life for me, I think. Unfortunately, I ended things between us after about a year, out of guilt, or I might still be with him today.

In my work life (I am not currently working, but have held several very responsible professional jobs) - I really no relation to my orientation and bdsm - I've held jobs with lots of responsibility and some with not much. I am pretty submissive (although I think I could be a Switch) - and have no problem being a "manager type" if I need to be one. I also have no problem with "dumb" jobs that require almost no responsibility - either one is fine with me. So - that's the long and short of it, I guess. Hope I answered all of your questions.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/16/2006 6:31:29 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 16

RE: A sort of random question. - 8/16/2006 6:20:52 PM

popeye1250

Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline

I've said it before on another thread but it was when I was about 7 years old and got a "Policeman Kit" with badge and handcuffs.
And I always like shows like Westerns and Police shows when I was a kid where people got "tied up."
I'd handcuff the neighborhood girls to a tree and loved it!
I've "bottomed" before but I'm not "submissive."

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 17

RE: A sort of random question. - 8/16/2006 6:34:52 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

I might add that I've always been able to "fake" a mangerial-type of work personality - I am supposedly an INFJ on the Myers-Briggs personality test. These folks (INFJ's) are supposedly artistic, sensitive, creative, introverts who, according to the Myers-Briggs books I've read, have almost no place in corporate America.

However, if one can fake a bit of extroversion, and become an ENFJ instead, then you "fit right in" in the corporate workpalce. So, I did do that for many years. It was a bit emotonally draining at times to fake being so outgoing, but I saw little choice, as I did not want to fade into the wall at work. But - I don't think that has much of anything to do with my bdsm orientation.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/16/2006 6:44:32 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 18

RE: A sort of random question. - 8/16/2006 6:38:24 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

I have been told by one Dominant who I had dated as vanilla years ago,upon learning of my proclivities that he had always felt a ,what he called ,"natural submissive nature".He even said that he had tried to gently and somewhat secretively tried to find out as we had dated wether I was aware of the "life" or not..of course I did not pick up on a thing, so he essentially let it drop.Then about a year later met a Dominant type on a vanilla dating site.We started talking and lo and behold he just came right out and asked.So of course this led to questions and more questions which he answered as best as he could.Which then led to me researching and beginning to discover that what I had always been had a name!!..And who would of thought that I was just naturally attracting Dominants and attracted to Dominants even in a vanilla setting with not a clue..Tempting

(in reply to popeye1250)

Post #: 19

RE: A sort of random question. - 8/16/2006 7:04:58 PM

celticsub

Posts: 4
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline

well, like a few here, i really didn't know what to call myself, but just knew that as far as relationships go, i would never get involved with anyone that i could control. He had to be stronger willed than i was.....and considering that my chosen career field is law enforcement, it was tough finding satisfaction in a relationship. I have a very type A personality, and in my career, always have to be on top of things. There are many times that i have to be the dominant force at work. I can bark out orders as well as any drill sergeant, but have never desired to be dominant in my relationships. In my personal life, i don't want to be in charge at all. Sort of like leaving the baggage at the door type of thing. As far as relationships have gone, i have always seemed to just automatically assume a submissive role, or tried to. The men have seen it as doing the little things to make them comfortable, cooking for them, things like that. Needless to say, I was left unsatisfied.....hard to submit to someone who has no idea what it is i'm trying to do!

Since i have discovered that there are others out there who are seeking what it is i have to offer, i am happier in my personal life. i have met some very nice gentlemen, on line and in person, who have helped me grow into myself. Still looking for the one who will accept my submission on a more permanent basis, but i'm having a great time and meeting wonderful people!

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 20

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