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how do you deal with grief? - 8/21/2006 12:21:10 AM

SavageFaerie

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I just found out my father passed away. This is my first in dealing with the death of a parent. I do know he is in a better place with God. But he had been ill for along time.
I had just minutes before the call, did a post that included my concerns and and stated I dreaded "that" call...it came 10 minutes after I posted. that post is in random, under random thoughts.

It scares me sometimes when I just know things...because I knew when it happened.

I have not had to grief much. But how in the world do I deal with a parents death? I loved my father and just in June spent a month with him because I knew his time was near.

I have to be the strong big sister to my youngest sister because she was always daddy's lil girl.

My hysteria has calmed down thanks to that wonderful invention of xanax.

I do feel so empty now.

Deb

< Message edited by SavageFaerie -- 8/21/2006 12:22:48 AM >

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RE: how do you deal with grief? - 8/21/2006 1:36:41 AM

SusanofO

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Cry as much as you meed to and also take it easy. I slept a lot, (still do) even though I already take anti-depressants. That's okay. Most people will be nice, if there are some that think you need to "snap out of it", just let them know you need some space. Good luck. I know it's difficult. I am sorry for your loss.

- Susan

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And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

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RE: how do you deal with grief? - 8/21/2006 1:55:30 AM

Rule

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I am sorry for your loss. Mourn him, taste your memories of his essence, pray for him. I am not a proponent of using medication to deal with grief (unless perhaps someone is not normal mentally).

I have observed that for those who are religious or spiritually aware that it is small or no consolation to know that their dead are taken care of by God. They grief just like most other humans do.

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RE: how do you deal with grief? - 8/21/2006 5:20:17 AM

SirKenin

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From: Barrie, ON Canada
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The easiest way I find to deal with the loss of a loved one is to remember the good and the bad. Most people focus on all the good times they had, forgetting that there are always bad times as well. Once you find that balance it seems to be a lot easier to deal with. Of course crying a lot and venting your frustration by punching pillows or the bed or something else harmless always helps as well.

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RE: how do you deal with grief? - 8/21/2006 5:24:37 AM

juliaoceania

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I would not dampen my grief or feel I had to be strong for others for one. Your loss needs to be felt so that you can grieve, I know from experience

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RE: how do you deal with grief? - 8/21/2006 5:25:02 AM

twicehappy

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I am so sorry to hear this. Email me on the other side if you would like to talk. Big hugs, tess

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RE: how do you deal with grief? - 8/21/2006 5:35:48 AM

KatyLied

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My meditation bible has a grief meditation for 49 days. You meditate on the deceased and help them enter the afterlife (how ever or what ever you may believe it to be). It is based on reincarnation (hence the 49 days), but you can give it your own meaningful spin. Even if it's just taking some concentrated time each day to reflect on the person who has passed.

I am sorry for your loss.

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RE: how do you deal with grief? - 8/21/2006 5:50:30 AM

Mercnbeth

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10 years ago, this slave went through the first death of a beloved parent. it seemed like the crying was never going to stop, as a matter of fact, it was the death knell of wearing daily makeup..what was the point when it would be washed away by all the tears before half the day was over?

this slave still hears his voice, but now it comes from within~after years of hearing it daily, it isn't missed because it is with this slave in the things that he taught her.

this slave is very blessed in that anyone whom she has had a deep and abiding relationship with that has passed has visited her after their death in her dreams. we hug and talk and all of that crazy dream stuff is somehow gloriously absent...just like it wasn't a dream, but a visit. it has been a much appreciated comfort.

this slave's advice: Mourn for yourself, celebrate for him and fully expect to "see" him again, in your dreams and when you go to join him.

< Message edited by Mercnbeth -- 8/21/2006 5:51:42 AM >

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RE: how do you deal with grief? - 8/21/2006 6:13:28 AM

swtsouthernsub

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Sorry for your loss my thoughts and prayers will be with you but remember hes not gone hes just in a better place and you'll be with him again one day hes watching over you .talk to him when you feel the need it does help

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DEBBIE
Messenger Of Truth
Let the words of my mouth and meditations of my heart,
be acceptable in thy sight O Lord my strength and redeemer
Psalms 19:14

Those with a closed mind live a sheltered life.

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RE: how do you deal with grief? - 8/21/2006 6:37:30 AM

MistressOfGa

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Deb,
As most know, I lost my brother a few years ago and within 3 weeks I lost my mother. I took care of both of them before they died. It was one of the hardest things that I have ever done and I was so angry that they both died within a month of each other. I had so much to deal with and I felt I had to be strong for my older sister and I resented that. Please, do not feel you have to be strong for anyone, all that does is minimize your pain.
When my mother died, I was inconsolable. I was so lost and almost out of my mind with grief. I hope my words help you here. I pray that you will be able to take solace in them.

As we all mourne the loss of our loved one, we cry as we wave goodbye. They leave us behind with our tear streaked faces. As they are taking their journey away from us, we wave goodbye with pain in our hearts. Goodbye. We are devestated.
But....As we are waving our goodbyes with an ache in our hearts, there are those who are welcoming their loved one home. They are waving hello with exhilaration and such wonderful happiness to see them again. Hello! With open arms they pull their loved one into their fold.

Deb, he is not alone.

I hope this helps you.

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RE: how do you deal with grief? - 8/21/2006 6:41:00 AM

RosaB

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Sorry to hear of your loss, my heart goes out to you. I've lost many and I do understand the tremedouse hurt you are feeling. You must let the yourself feel the pain and cry as often as need be. Words may offer some comfort, but, only time will lessen the pain. many hugs to you.

Rosa

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RE: how do you deal with grief? - 8/21/2006 6:41:21 AM

LadyMorgynn

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From: N. Carolina
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You deal with grief, one breath at a time. Just concentrate on making it through to the next milestone... the next hour, the next meal, the next evening, making it through the night to the next morning.... until eventually time and distance gives you a little surcease, and it gradually gets better, though the ache will never entirely leave.

That's really all one can do :(

I'm sorry for about your dad... hang in there.

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---
Lady Morgynn
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RE: how do you deal with grief? - 8/21/2006 6:58:31 AM

Sasy

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From: Texas
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I have not yet have to deal with the passing of a parent.... My mother died when I was to young to know her. My dad tho..... He spends alot of time here these days and there is a very rough history between us and a couple questions only he can answer. He is 74 and not doing well tho the old bastard could well out live me. But I find myself wondering it I will even grieve when he passes.
The person tho I do still grieve is one I knew from high school most times I still think he holds my heart and maybe still my submission. He ended up being the first real Master I had tho both of us were learning we learned togther and grew strong. He had alot of bad things happen in his life he lost 4 kids and two wives in the time were were together 3 children to a fire as well as one wife , one child to birth and the mother of that child to cancer, this all happened with in about 7 years.
Toward the end he couldnt touch me in certain ways and was scared to touch the child he fathered with me, he told me everything he touched died... there was so much grief in his life he didnt share, it began to comsume him and he did something very very very stupid. Involving alcohol and heavy machinery. I remember the anger I felt at him for leaving me, I remember standing at his grave side alone screaming at him for being so damnned stupid and then I remember sitting there crying for what must have been hours. Then I wrote him a letter and pressed it deep within the fresh dug earth.
I still miss him , I still cry, but alot of times I laugh when I think about him, and sometimes when I need him ...... he is there. He passed 10 years ago

I guess the biggest thing is its okay to be angry at them for leaving and it is okay to cry. ( even okay to scream )

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"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit." ~ Albert Schweitzer

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RE: how do you deal with grief? - 8/21/2006 7:22:44 AM

LotusSong

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From: Domme Emeritus
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My mother suffered from Parkinson's for 25 years. She was so miserable and in the end.. we could hardly hear her speak. The last time I saw her alive.. I felt the need to say whatever I needed to say in case I never saw her again.

Before I left to get on my plane.. I knelt by her chair and told her that I knew she did the best she knew how. And that I'm doing ok and don't ever feel that she didn't do right by me. I told her I loved her and kissed her. Two years later I got a phone call from my brother at the hospital saying she was dying.

I felt a calmness and a peacefulness because I knew how much she hated living in that body. I never shed a tear. I was happy for her.

When I went back for her funeral, my father told me that she had told him that I "knew" I would never see her again. I think the best thing about being a woman is the intuition. We just "know" things at times.

About dealing with grief? There is no one way. I prefer to be alone. There are nice little text book lists of stages one goes through. For me.. it's acceptance, because I know there is something bigger out there running the show and I just trust things unfold as they should.

You will deal with it as your heart dictates. It's one of those solitary roads we have to travel.

God(dess) Bless, Faerie :)

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Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

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RE: how do you deal with grief? - 8/21/2006 7:33:10 AM

ownedgirlie

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Deb,

My father died less than two weeks ago, followed by the death of my sister-in-law a week later. My heart goes out to you, and I am so glad you started this post.

I have to first say, time is your friend. It sounds cliche' I know, but in my case, my boss gave me significant time off work, so I could grieve and take care of everything that needed taking care of (I planned his funeral, called his friends and family, arranged the banquet afterwards, got my mother on his social security, pension and medical care, etc.) There is so much work involved in what happens after death, it's insane. Master relieved me of my duties to him so I could focus on doing what needed to be done, and on giving myself room to feel, and cry, and mourn. Friends realized my fragile state, and brought over food, cleaned my home, and got me out of the house (when I would let them). Time eases the sharpness of pain to a dull ache, which still hurts but is far more tolerable.

What helps me in this thread is realizing I am not some weak soul who isn't grieving properly. I have always heard (and said) that there is no "right" way to grieve, yet here I was thinking - what's wrong with me?? It's not like I'm the first person to ever lose a parent. To that, one of my cousins told me, "True, but it's the first time for you."

Take this time for yourself. Yes, there may be obligations to meet, but despite what anyone tells you, allow yourself to feel, and be selfish with your feelings. Most of my friends were awesome. My Master was (is) awesome. This is time to be selfish with your feelings, and to know what you can give to others, and what you can not. Those who do not understand will have to get by somehow, and either the bonds of your friendship with them are strong enough to withhold your "absence" or they're not (speaking from having learned one of my friendships was not, therefore having lost a friend in all of this, too).

Finally, know that high amounts of stress effect your thinking and your body. You may find yourself to be very forgetful (as I did), having the same conversations with others that you may have had just a day or two before. Your body may feel worn down, or tired. Eat properly - fruits, veggies, protein - to keep yourself nurished. Drink a lot of water. Avoid alcohol. Those who love you will understand your repeated comments and questions. Focus on not only the happy memories, but the not so happy ones, too. Focusing solely on the good things denies you the ability to grieve the not-so-good things. You will need to process it all before beginning your recovery.

I apologize for getting winded. It's all so fresh in my own head and heart still. Cry, laugh, yell, and feel. It's as OK to have happy days as it is to have sad ones.

Click here for a simple site on the 5 Stages of Grief. I wish you well, and you have my condolences.

**Edited for typo

< Message edited by ownedgirlie -- 8/21/2006 7:35:08 AM >

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RE: how do you deal with grief? - 8/21/2006 8:07:34 AM

SavageFaerie

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Joined: 12/3/2004
From: NYC
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<fast reply>

I have not read the responses but I will after this post I did want to post this tho:

So some of you know my dad passed away last night at 11:30, I am grieving but I am also content knowing he is in a better place, he was ready to leave this world and is where he wanted to be. I am helped make difficult decision and made arrangements for us regarding flights for my sister in NYC, arrangement to get there and hotel arrangement that will benefit the whole family My little sister in my immediate family is the only one that really needs to see him after his death, and she will do this today My daddy wanted as little fuss as possible, he will be cremated according to his wishes, he wanted us to celebrate him and not been traditional in the sense of funerals. There will be a small gathering at the church he sometimes could attend, there will be no per say service, it will be his family in the sense of who he did consider. I am at peace with this. I do mourn his loss, but I also celebrate the fact he is where he needs to be and he is now out of pain.
And as always well wishes, prayers and offers to help make all this easier. I know people and friends will do anything I need of them. I love you my friends and acquaintances. Debbie

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Disclaimer:If its the wrong word or misspelled I blame on my fingers and brains refusing to interact.

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RE: how do you deal with grief? - 8/21/2006 8:14:57 AM

SavageFaerie

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From: NYC
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Thank you all that have posted, I read through my tears.

and I agree with all advise and thoughts.

I will grief and mourn the loss of my daddy.
I will celebrate him to, he was a good and funny man...I have cried and laughed today
Yes I do already take medication because I have to, I have taken no more than always discussed with my dr.
Yes I need to be strong for my baby sister she is the hardest hit of all, and it is these times I truly feel needed because I can and I have made the immediate arrangement at the smallest possible cost.

And then we will all deal with this like we do have to.

Me I will cry at his passing, but I will laugh about the good times and laughs overs the good things.

Thank everyone for your thoughts and help and prayers in your own way.

And yes....this is a good thread to talk about grief and pain and how we deal with it.

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Disclaimer:If its the wrong word or misspelled I blame on my fingers and brains refusing to interact.

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RE: how do you deal with grief? - 8/21/2006 8:29:35 AM

SavageFaerie

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From: NYC
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Owned, damn girl it is hard isnt it....my first parent.

I do not work so I go there. I have plenty of time
I have people I live with that will get me out when need to
I will help as I am able.
I wont when I cant
I will rely on my friend and family as I need them

So yes...its hard and yes we do grieve in our own ways, and I am doing just that.
I am doing what I have to, and not doing what I dont need to

And my blessed step mom is taking on part of the responsiblty and I am helping handle my immediate family, because this is just how I am, I am seen a weak person because of my mental disability, but that flies out the window, when tragedy hits close to home.

I will simply be the person I am to the core.

And I am good with this.

I do also know the stages of grief and have hit several levels since last night and have bounced between them
I have lost all my grandparents...one that was very close to my heart
And I have been there for people that needed my stong heart and compassion, because despite everything.....I am good with the welfare of broken hearts for whatever reason

And all in all...your are just two weeks ahead of me, and yes I will question if I grieved the right way and what others will think, and I too will get past that.

My heart and prayers are with you and yours as we all grieve.

And that goes for everyone here.

_____________________________

Disclaimer:If its the wrong word or misspelled I blame on my fingers and brains refusing to interact.

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RE: how do you deal with grief? - 8/21/2006 8:40:21 AM

ownedgirlie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SavageFaerie

And I am good with this.

I'm good with it, too. So good, in fact, I can go around taking care of everything that needs to be done and forget about my own needs. Pay attention to yourself, and rest when you need it. I never understood that term: Rest. Now I do.

My first parent, too. Yes, it is quite rough. All you can do is the best you can do, and it sounds like you are doing that.

Please be well, and keep posting. You obviously have friends here who care about you :)

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RE: how do you deal with grief? - 8/21/2006 9:44:55 AM

sleazybutterfly

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When my grandmother passed away (almost like my mom), I was there. I had to be strong for my mother and keep myself together. It was the day before my 29th b-day.

I cried a bit, but didn't really let it get to me. After the funeral though, when I was alone..that is when it all set in. I cried and cried till I just couldn't anymore. She did come and visit me in my dreams, sometimes it was comforting, sometimes it made it worse. The last time she came to me in a dream, I finally got to hug her. She hasn't been back since, so I feel that was her way of saying, "Andrea, it's time to let me go..move on.". I have done this to a degree, but sometimes I still miss her so much. I have the butterfly tattoo after her on my chest. I got it very close to my heart and when I miss her, I sort of rub it and she is with me again.

We all deal with grief in a different way. It varies from person to person, there is no WRONG way.

Let it come to you...let it do what it must.

I am with you, Sage.. and I love you very much.

~Andrea

_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

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