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Age play and childhood abuse - 8/21/2006 7:41:15 AM   
justanotheclaire


Posts: 113
Joined: 8/15/2006
From: cambs, uk
Status: offline 		Having read a few of the Daddy dom threads on here I can see that a few other subbies have some history of abuse in there childhoods. I had two periods of abuse within my childhood both sexual. When I came out onto the bdsm scene my reactions at first were thank god I'm not just some sexual pervert who needs locking up! lol. As my experince and confidence grew I found myself beign more drawn to the Daddy Dom side of things, I never called my ex daddy but he was almost a parental figure in my life and I in turn was very dependant. Now I am free again I am finding myself drawn back into  Daddy daughter role plays where i dont always play the willing daughter. My desires confuses me, am I repeating past abuse(what I do does not in any way make me feel bad about myself I leave scenes feelign relaxed and chilled and happy), Is this healthy? What do other people think is play rape and age play ok for people who have really experienced abuse?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Age play and childhood abuse - 8/21/2006 7:48:11 AM   
beenwhipped


Posts: 191
Joined: 5/14/2006
Status: offline 		my personal opinion. you are now here in your life, and if the abuse has been delt with emotionaly, then play the way you want to play. I would caution against age play if you have not worked with a psychiatrist (sp?) to deal with the issues stemming from the abuse

edited to add: please dont take my words as gospel. i am new to all this. that just seems right to me.

< Message edited by beenwhipped -- 8/21/2006 7:50:09 AM >

(in reply to justanotheclaire)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Age play and childhood abuse - 8/21/2006 8:19:54 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I think that only you can decide if it is healthy. I think that some factors I would consider is if I felt held back in my growth as a person. I would also consider how my relationship made me feel, does it make you feel at peace, does it cause you anxiety to be involved with what you do?

There is a danger of getting "stuck" at the point which we first suffered a loss, whether it be of our childhood, our parent's divorce, the loss of a friend during the formative years, or as in your case - innocence. I would ask myself if I was "stuck" in those places with an inability to move forward with the future. Such things as depression and anxiety can be telling in determining this.


I think in most relationships a certain level of transference takes place between two people. Whether this ends up being healthy or unhealthy depends on the reliability of those that we trust. It depends on whether or not they are "safe" people. I have found having a Daddy to be healing for me so far, even though it is new, and I have posted about this before, so I will not post it again... I never suffered abuse as a child, I did suffer a loss in childhood. I do not know if that is why my present situation is very gratifying for me, but if it is the reason... well I am ok with that.

I just warn you from using a relationship to "fix" your issues. You have to work on yourself ultimately, your relationships can aid in creating an environment for you to do so, but they do not take the place of this work...

Just my thoughts

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 8/21/2006 8:21:33 AM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to justanotheclaire)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Age play and childhood abuse - 8/21/2006 10:18:24 AM   
MistressSassy66


Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		If the feelings you get make you feel good,safe,happy.Then I would embrace that feeling.Is it healthy maybe yes maybe no. It may take time and in the long run
it might not be good anymore.Until then do what works for you.



For Me...Its a matter of having PTSD....I go right back to that place and its real to
Me....So real that I cant I just cant do it for "play".
Some think if I did it it would help get over it....Just the thought is the nightmare all over again.

_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to justanotheclaire)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Age play and childhood abuse - 8/21/2006 10:28:56 AM   
Aine


Posts: 820
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: justanotheclaire

Having read a few of the Daddy dom threads on here I can see that a few other subbies have some history of abuse in there childhoods. I had two periods of abuse within my childhood both sexual. When I came out onto the bdsm scene my reactions at first were thank god I'm not just some sexual pervert who needs locking up! lol. As my experince and confidence grew I found myself beign more drawn to the Daddy Dom side of things, I never called my ex daddy but he was almost a parental figure in my life and I in turn was very dependant. Now I am free again I am finding myself drawn back into  Daddy daughter role plays where i dont always play the willing daughter. My desires confuses me, am I repeating past abuse(what I do does not in any way make me feel bad about myself I leave scenes feelign relaxed and chilled and happy), Is this healthy? What do other people think is play rape and age play ok for people who have really experienced abuse?


I also come from a colored past having to do with certain types of abuse.  I've been dealing with the issues in my head and in my heart a few different ways that work for me.  I can't tell you what would or would not work for you, so I won't attempt.  It's relatively apparent to me that you might not have worked out everything, and in most cases, I don't think those of us who have gone through such things will always get things worked out completely.  We just get to a point where we are accepting of our past, understanding of our past and that it wasn't out fault that those things happened (yeah, cliche I know.).  If we can manage to get to a place of peace within ourselves regarding things, then we can begin to live, especially those of us that have moved into the kink and lifestyle as opposed to those that are strictly vanilla. 

For me, when I first was introduced into BDSM, I was utterly revolted by all that associated with the term Daddy.  Yes, there are plenty out there that are sick perverted assholes who want to have sex with little girls.  Yes, there are those that are strictly into ageplay but will not have sex with an actual little girl.  Then there are the true DaddyDom types.  Those that are nurturing, protective and everything else that was explained in the DaddyDom thread.  I finally had by some random occourance befriended a DaddyDom and became quite close to Him as a friend.  He helpedmeto understand that the term Daddy wasn't alwayslinked to those that wanted that kind of incestuous play.  My opinions on DaddyDoms changed full circle because of Him.  Though my opinions on ageplay and incest and pedophelia have not. 

I myself also enjoy some relative play on the edge of rapeplay...well not THAT severe.  I like a little bit of rough, but not full out -hit me over the head and knock me out and rape me- kind of play.  My boyfriend is only two years older than me but he is my Old man, he naturally acts kind of like a DaddyDom would to me, though I don't think he knows it or would recognize that fact.  He's not as well versed in the different levels and ways involved in BDSM as I am, as I had introduced him into it after we started dating.

For me, how I play has nothing to do with what happened to me as a child.  I do not and could not replay what had happened to me.  For me what it is, is more he is there for me in ways that my father never really was, as many have explained in the DaddyDom thread.  Perhaps what you do is a way of dealing with what had happened to you.  For everyone it is on some level different.  I don't feel bad for being attracted to DaddyDom types.  Now that I understand more of myself and more of what a DaddyDom is, I feel more at home and comfortable.  And you stated that you don't feel bad for how you play, which in my eyes is a good step.  But perhaps since you have some reservations as to whether or not what you do is healthy, maybe it might be a good idea to find someone to talk to about it.  Who knows, there might just be something unresolved that might surface later and could endanger you or someone you play with. 

It's always good to be as aware as possible about things and always questioning.  Staying healthy and safe is the main priority.


_____________________________

Honey, you obviously missed the "want to be used as a toilet fetish" thread or "where do I get instructions on setting my sub on fire" thread. LOL

Thank you, DelRay for that one.

(in reply to justanotheclaire)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Age play and childhood abuse - 8/21/2006 10:35:26 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		It is entirely dependent on what is good for you and as beenwhipped said, where you are in your recovery.

I, myself, cannot do young age ageplay in any form -- for me, it is just not sexual at all because of my abuse. Even in the traditional top roles I have broken down into tears when I've tried it for my husband.

However, I can do ageplay where the played age is middle teens because I have no abusive associations with that time-period that were sexual.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to justanotheclaire)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Age play and childhood abuse - 8/21/2006 10:42:18 AM   
babyangelfire77


Posts: 5
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		I may not have a lot of experience in this..but i do know that for me..Age play is a way for me to be who i really am in my heart. Carefree and able to allow someone else to be in control. I will admit that as a child..i had to grow up fast and did not have time to be a child..or the security . Being with a DaddyDom, gave me the feeling of being safe, secure..and protected.  Does that equate to child abuse and repeating behaviors..i am not sure. But the one thing i do know.. is that being in that position..of having someone nurturing, caring and protecting..was the best feeling i have ever felt in my life..other than giving birth to my children. I never actually had my own DaddyDom..he was a guardian..but someday i do hope to have One of my own and feel that same warm loving feeling again.

(in reply to Aine)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Age play and childhood abuse - 8/21/2006 11:01:41 AM   
WhipTheHip


Posts: 1004
Joined: 7/31/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: justanotheclaire
Having read a few of the Daddy dom threads on here I can see that a few other subbies have some history of abuse in there childhoods. I had two periods of abuse within my childhood both sexual. When I came out onto the bdsm scene my reactions at first were thank god I'm not just some sexual pervert who needs locking up! lol. As my experince and confidence grew I found myself beign more drawn to the Daddy Dom side of things, I never called my ex daddy but he was almost a parental figure in my life and I in turn was very dependant. Now I am free again I am finding myself drawn back into  Daddy daughter role plays where i dont always play the willing daughter. My desires confuses me, am I repeating past abuse(what I do does not in any way make me feel bad about myself I leave scenes feelign relaxed and chilled and happy), Is this healthy? What do other people think is play rape and age play ok for people who have really experienced abuse?


Dear Claire:
 
Your situation is very common.  It is very common for people's first sexual experience to imprint them.   For many people reliving a traumatic experience where they are ultimately in control can be theraputic.  In psychiatry this is called psychodrama.  Below is a description of psychodrama from Wikipedia.  Wikipedia articles are notoriously unreliable, so take what is written there with a shaker of salt.  Psychodrama can hurt some survivors.  Survivors usually know, if it will hurt them or help them.   We have little control over the kind of sex that turns us on.  Some people are attracted to members of their own sex.  Some people are attracted to older partners, some to younger partners.   Some people enjoy being dominant and aggressive.  Some enjoy being submissive and passive.  Thre is no one right answer for everyone.  Play rape and age play can be theraputic and healing for many survivors.  And it can be damaging for others.  This is something survivors usually have very strong feelings about.  They tend to either be repulsed by it, or attracted to it.  If you are attracted to it there is nothing wrong with playing out your fantasy.  There is a big difference between playing out this fantasy consensually as an adult, and having it happen non-consensually as an innocent child.  You should feel no guilt over this.  You didn't choose this fantasy.  It is what turns you on, and there is nothing immoral or psychologically harmful in it for survivors that are turned on by it.   The few relationships I have been in were with survivors like yourself.   Often times, female survivors long to have a father that really loves them, to give them the love they never received from their own father, and they look for this in a partner.  There is nothing wrong with this.   
 
With compassion, comfort, understanding, empathy, and loving-kindess,
Michael
 
 
Psychodrama

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, searchPsychodrama is a method of psychotherapy which explores, through action, the problems of people. It is a group working method, in which each person becomes a therapeutic agent for others in the psychodrama group. Developed by Jacob L. Moreno, psychodrama has strong elements of theater, often conducted on a stage with props.
[edit]
Psychological uses
In psychodrama, participants explore internal conflicts through acting out their emotions and interpersonal interactions on stage. The acting becomes a replacement for the typical 'couch' that psychotherapists use to talk to their patients. A given psychodrama session (typically 90 minutes to 2 hours) focuses principally on a single participant, known as the protagonist. Protagonists examine their relationships by interacting with the other actors and the leader, known as the director. This is done using specific techniques, including doubling, role reversals, mirrors, soliloquy, and sociometry.
Psychodrama attempts to create an internal restructuring of dysfunctional mindsets with other people, and it challenges the participants to discover new answers to some situations and become more spontaneous and independent. There are over 10,000 practitioners internationally.
Although a primary application of psychodrama has traditionally been as a form of group psychotherapy, and psychodrama often gets defined as "a method of group psychotherapy," this does a disservice to the many other uses or functions of the method. More accurately psychodrama is defined as "a method of communication in which the communicator expresses him/her/themselves in action." The psychodramatic method is an important source of the role-playing widely used in business and industry. Psychodrama offers a powerful approach to teaching and learning, as well as to training interrelationship skills. The action techniques of psychodrama also offer a means of discovering and communicating information concerning events and situations in which the communicator has been involved.

< Message edited by WhipTheHip -- 8/21/2006 11:14:20 AM >

(in reply to justanotheclaire)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Age play and childhood abuse - 8/21/2006 2:32:42 PM   
Donnalee


Posts: 339
Joined: 7/15/2006
Status: offline 		I think the key factors in your situation are:  you feel good after the age-play, not just during it, and seemingly have found partners who are not abusive.  That's a safe start....you're also checking your feelings and concerns out - with yourself and others.  That all sounds healthy to me.  Maybe when you're playing the "not always willing daughter" role, you also get to feel the power that you didn't have when the abuse occured.

If the situation changes and starts to go downhill, I'd say that you'd be well to adjust your play accordingly and maybe even start talking with a counselor....but I'd see if you can get a referral from someone known to be able to handle kink.  Not all can, and man, you don't want to get shamed for your desires when you're looking for help.

(in reply to WhipTheHip)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Age play and childhood abuse - 8/21/2006 2:49:29 PM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		I know you will, but please listen to your instincts. Replaying a trauma CAN be detremental and more harmfull to health. People mean well by saying you can get over your ptds cause by replying it, but their not you. their not in your head.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressSassy66

Some think if I did it it would help get over it....Just the thought is the nightmare all over again.

(in reply to MistressSassy66)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Age play and childhood abuse - 8/21/2006 3:30:59 PM   
AnAtlantaDom


Posts: 98
Joined: 7/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Donnalee

If the situation changes and starts to go downhill, I'd say that you'd be well to adjust your play accordingly and maybe even start talking with a counselor....but I'd see if you can get a referral from someone known to be able to handle kink.  Not all can, and man, you don't want to get shamed for your desires when you're looking for help.


Here is a link to "Kink Friendly" professionals should you ever feel the need:
 
http://www.ncsfreedom.org/kap/

(in reply to Donnalee)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Age play and childhood abuse - 8/21/2006 3:51:15 PM   
sleazybutterfly


Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline 		I was abused at a pretty young age.  I don't think that has anything to do with me wanting a Daddy Dom, or maybe it does..hmmm.  What I mean is, I want a Dom that will take on that role, protect me, love me, cherish me..etc... That might be because my father never did, I really don't know. 

To me, having a Daddy Dom and age play are two totally different things.  One is an act, a playing..the other is just the way things are.

~Andrea

_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

(in reply to AnAtlantaDom)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Age play and childhood abuse - 8/21/2006 8:51:02 PM   
MistressSassy66


Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FelinePersuasion

I know you will, but please listen to your instincts. Replaying a trauma CAN be detremental and more harmfull to health. People mean well by saying you can get over your ptds cause by replying it, but their not you. their not in your head.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressSassy66

Some think if I did it it would help get over it....Just the thought is the nightmare all over again.






Its funny I went to My Doc just today and she agreed to try to get past it by reliving it is going to most likely have a BAD outcome.

So as they say its one day at a time.

























_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to FelinePersuasion)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Age play and childhood abuse - 8/21/2006 9:07:32 PM   
Tikkiee


Posts: 1099
Joined: 4/6/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: justanotheclaire

Having read a few of the Daddy dom threads on here I can see that a few other subbies have some history of abuse in there childhoods. I had two periods of abuse within my childhood both sexual. When I came out onto the bdsm scene my reactions at first were thank god I'm not just some sexual pervert who needs locking up! lol. As my experince and confidence grew I found myself beign more drawn to the Daddy Dom side of things, I never called my ex daddy but he was almost a parental figure in my life and I in turn was very dependant. Now I am free again I am finding myself drawn back into  Daddy daughter role plays where i dont always play the willing daughter. My desires confuses me, am I repeating past abuse(what I do does not in any way make me feel bad about myself I leave scenes feelign relaxed and chilled and happy), Is this healthy? What do other people think is play rape and age play ok for people who have really experienced abuse?

I can not answer for anyone else; but for myself...the abuse in my past did the opposite with me. It made me more determined that I would never feel that dependent on someone. I am not submissive; have tried the role and it clashes too harshly for me to continue it.
As for rape play; I was a participant in this kind of scene once and I will NEVER to consent to it ever. Playing at being raped, for me, does nothing but bring back memories and feelings that are best left in the past.
As for age play; again, I find no interest in pretending to be dependent on someone. I am too strong-willed, stubborn, and self-reliant to ever do so effectively.

_____________________________

~~@ cass @~~

(in reply to justanotheclaire)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Age play and childhood abuse - 8/22/2006 12:37:40 PM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		hehe ageplay's not  one set thing, it's individual to us all. It don't have to be all about pretending to be dependant on someone. Most people who want guardians will be in someways dependant, but I'm not at all dependant on my potential daddy, hehe I call more of the shots than he does right now, and he's ok with that cause we're new to each other.

< Message edited by FelinePersuasion -- 8/22/2006 12:39:59 PM >

(in reply to Tikkiee)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Age play and childhood abuse - 8/22/2006 5:17:20 PM   
WhipTheHip


Posts: 1004
Joined: 7/31/2006
Status: offline 		I enjoy both age play and being Daddy Dom.  I like my sub to think of me as her real father and give her the love she never got from him.

(in reply to FelinePersuasion)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Age play and childhood abuse - 8/22/2006 5:25:21 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WhipTheHip

I enjoy both age play and being Daddy Dom.  I like my sub to think of me as her real father and give her the love she never got from him.


What if she got love from her father? Many subs have (including myself)

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to WhipTheHip)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Age play and childhood abuse - 8/22/2006 8:06:57 PM   
spankmepink11


Posts: 1310
Joined: 9/28/2005
Status: offline 		I think childhood abuses have a direct effect on the people we become and the choices we make regarding our "pursuit of happiness".  I usually try not to analyze it too deeply, and enjoy who i am.
I've never been attracted to age play, but due to the lack of "Daddy's" presence in my childhood, i do find myself very attracted to the DaddyDom type.

I used to think that there was an over abundance of abuse survivors in the BDSM lifestyle, but have in the last few years,  found it to be equally prevelant in the vanilla world.  I believe people are just far more open about abuse now.  Much better i think than 30-40 years ago when abuses were dirty, festering, family secrets, and the abuser was protected 99.9% of the time.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Age play and childhood abuse - 8/22/2006 11:58:47 PM   
WhipTheHip


Posts: 1004
Joined: 7/31/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
quote:

ORIGINAL: WhipTheHip
I enjoy both age play and being Daddy Dom.  I like my sub to think of me as her real father and give her the love she never got from him.

What if she got love from her father? Many subs have (including myself)


Then naturally, I would give her the mistreatment, lack of attention, and lack of love she never got.  
Just kidding. 
 
I just feel a special attraction to females who have been abused, mistreated, needy, or orphaned.
The reason is I feel bad for them, and want to comfort them.  If they were hurt by a male, I feel
responsible for what happened to them.  That is just the way I am.  I feel a special bond for
the misfit and the outcast. 
 
On the other hand, I've learned the hard way, that a lot of females who were hurt
are unable to trust any male, and have a negative perception of realtiy, so no matter
what you do for them they always mistrust you, and they tend to see everything 
in from a cynical, negative perspective.  This makes things every hard.  It is very
hard when people always see an ulterior motive for every kind act.
 
The other thing is females who were abused subconscoiusly seek abusive
relationships, or selfish, self-centered guys.  And I am usually not the type
of guy that turns them on..

With love,
Michael



< Message edited by WhipTheHip -- 8/23/2006 12:02:17 AM >

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Age play and childhood abuse - 8/23/2006 12:06:08 AM   
WhipTheHip


Posts: 1004
Joined: 7/31/2006
Status: offline 		There is one kind of age play where the "child" or rape victim gets to
change the outcome of her traumatic experience and is able to turn
the tables on her perp, and makes him pay for what he did.

< Message edited by WhipTheHip -- 8/23/2006 12:07:32 AM >

(in reply to WhipTheHip)
Profile   Post #: 20
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