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strange behavior - 12/30/2004 4:57:49 PM   
kyyara


Posts: 3
Joined: 12/6/2004
Status: offline 		i have been in this lifestyle my entire adult life and have formed certain values, morals and ethical beliefs in that time. i have tried through deed and behavior to not tell people what i am, but to show them.

One of my favorite sayings is - we are not defined by the choices we are given but by the choices we make.

i now arrive at something that irks me to no end, people who claim to be something and by their behavior demonstrate they are nothing they claim to be. Socrates said, the greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be in reality what we pretend to be.

Althought a trivial thing i wanted to share it and try to understand why.

i was messaged one day by a "Dom" here on collarme. i read his message, viewed his profile and responded, as i try to respond to every message i recieve, if nothing more to say thank you for writing but i am not interested. my response was more than polite and graciously said that i did not believe that we were at the same place in our journey and was not interested in pursuing any further communication with him. i wished him well in his seach and moved on.

i had noticed that he had added me to his favorites and for a reason i will not mention at this time, made me a bit uneasy. i tried to send a message and respectfully ask that he remove me from his favorites list. To no surprise, i was blocked from communication. i appraoched another Dominant on this site, told them of what had happened and asked if they would mind sending a message on my behalf. She was very kind and wrote a lovely message, colsed by saying, i ask this as one Dominant to another. He responded back to her saying he had removed me.

To this day, i am still on that list and now She is also blocked from communication.

i guess what puzzles me is this ... why would someone, an adult behave in such a manner ?

Even more, i have to wonder if someone that behaves in such a manner is not someone to be concerned about. Especially after what i read on his profile. i must admit that my first impression of the profile was ... this guy isnt safe. The favorites listing is the least of my concerns for that is nothing. There is however a deeper point in that it shows a serious lack of mutual respect among Dominants and i believe that there are certain behaviors that should send up red flags of concern.

with respect,
kyyara





Profile   Post #: 1
RE: strange behavior - 12/30/2004 5:21:05 PM   
INSIDEYOURMIND


Posts: 483
Status: offline 		There seems to be a recent commonality to this type of thread.

I guess I am missing the harm that is befalling you by having your name on his favorites list.

If he has blocked you from communication, he can't contact you either.

You neeed to realize that this is online, and hence NOT REAL!

You are on his favorites lists, WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Does it hurt much?

Get over it, there are more serious issues in the world.

_____________________________

If I got smart with you.................
How would you know?

(in reply to kyyara)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: strange behavior - 12/30/2004 5:33:28 PM   
GoddessEris


Posts: 1
Joined: 3/25/2004
Status: offline 		As Dominants, we tend to forget the fragility of a sub or slaves sence of security, especially one that is uncollared. Without a Dominant they feel unprotected, unsafe, vulnerable to the "bad" things in the world that they would otherwise be protected from, so it's understandable that they feel worry that they are being "Watched" by someone they do not wish to assicociate with, wether or not it if unfounded or not. I would think it warrents concern anytime a dominant is approached respectfully, especailly since this person obviously doesn't even have respect for other dominants. If they can't respect other dominants, what harm are they going to inflict on a simple slave?

(in reply to INSIDEYOURMIND)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: strange behavior - 12/30/2004 5:50:57 PM   
stef


Posts: 10215
Joined: 1/26/2004
Status: offline 		Please, oh PLEASE protect us poor subs and slaves from the big bad Doms!

Give me a break.

~stef

_____________________________

Welcome to PoliticSpace! If you came here expecting meaningful BDSM discussions, boy are you in the wrong place.

"Hypocrisy has consequences"

(in reply to GoddessEris)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: strange behavior - 12/30/2004 6:01:52 PM   
kyyara


Posts: 3
Joined: 12/6/2004
Status: offline 		i do appreciate Your response INSIDEYOURMIND but i believe You may have missed the deeper issue i was trying to get at.

As i said, the listing on the favorites was the least of my concerns, and yes it is only online. i am not concerned about online.

What i was trying to get at was simply that the way one behaves, in any forum, is part and parcel of who and what they are and that certain behaviors are suspect. The forum is online, You are most definately correct, however this forum is used to facilitate offline contacts, meets and relationships. i do not believe that online behavior should not be held to a certain level of accountability.

i believe in mutual respect and honor... they are two of the foundations of D/s in my mind. If one cannot begin to demonstrate that online, i hate to imagine how they behave in real life. Especially One that seeks to control the life of another.

with respect,
kyyara



< Message edited by kyyara -- 12/30/2004 6:03:12 PM >

(in reply to kyyara)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: strange behavior - 12/30/2004 6:13:59 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		What's your point exactly--that some people on the internet don't behave the way you'd like them to behave?

This is news to you?

Lam

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyyara

i do appreciate Your response INSIDEYOURMIND but i believe You may have missed the deeper issue i was trying to get at.

As i said, the listing on the favorites was the least of my concerns, and yes it is only online. i am not concerned about online.

What i was trying to get at was simply that the way one behaves, in any forum, is part and parcel of who and what they are and that certain behaviors are suspect.


(in reply to kyyara)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: strange behavior - 12/30/2004 6:23:13 PM   
INSIDEYOURMIND


Posts: 483
Status: offline
quote:

i do not believe that online behavior should not be held to a certain level of accountability.


If you take the time to look back, you will notice that I am one of the strongest proponents of respect, and honor.

Holding someone accountable in a fantasy world is ridiculous.

This site is a place for people to meet, and people do everyday, but to judge a person because he put you on his favorites list smacks of very shallow thinking.

My God, what would you do if he puts your name in a special color???????


quote:

If one cannot begin to demonstrate that online, i hate to imagine how they behave in real life. Especially One that seeks to control the life of another.


I do control the life of a submissive in real life, I understand the responsibilities, respect, and honor that come with that role.

I will be crushed and forever marked if someone has my sub on their favorites list!

sfgrrl said it best
quote:

Give me a break.

~stef


_____________________________

If I got smart with you.................
How would you know?

(in reply to kyyara)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: strange behavior - 12/30/2004 6:48:48 PM   
RealityFix


Posts: 156
Joined: 8/12/2004
Status: offline 		I think this is more about your own sense of paranioa than a Dom who likes to look at your picture.

Why are you making a mountain out of a molehill, and building thias guy up to a monster of epic proportions for such a trivial matter?

Perhaps the "strange behavior" is more yours than his?

(in reply to INSIDEYOURMIND)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: strange behavior - 12/30/2004 7:05:40 PM   
perverseangelic


Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessEris

As Dominants, we tend to forget the fragility of a sub or slaves sence of security, especially one that is uncollared. Without a Dominant they feel unprotected, unsafe, vulnerable to the "bad" things in the world that they would otherwise be protected from, so it's understandable that they feel worry that they are being "Watched" by someone they do not wish to assicociate with, wether or not it if unfounded or not. I would think it warrents concern anytime a dominant is approached respectfully, especailly since this person obviously doesn't even have respect for other dominants. If they can't respect other dominants, what harm are they going to inflict on a simple slave?


Well, I think this depends a LOT on the person. I'm far from fragile or insecure online. In fact, I'm probably more assertive and self assured online.

Please, please don't call all submissive people "simple" or assume that we can't take care of ourselves. I think perpetuating the idea that submissive people are weaker than dominant people can cause quite a bit of harm.

If someone cannot take care of themself online, I think they should probably work on personal strength and self-sufficiency. (note to OP, not taklin' about you. You took care of yourself and obviously couldn't communicate anymore because you were blocked. I get the situatuion)


Also, what Stef said.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to GoddessEris)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: strange behavior - 12/30/2004 7:19:43 PM   
bena


Posts: 27
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		what I read from kyyara's original post was:

if you are not honourable in the little things, how can I expect and trust you to be honourable in the big things

It had nothing to do with favourites, etc. in my opinion

(in reply to RealityFix)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: strange behavior - 12/30/2004 7:58:32 PM   
ShadeDiva


Posts: 1005
Joined: 3/31/2004
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline 		Yanno I just don;t know why her post generated such a negative wave of posts.

It seemed perfectly clear to me that she was merely using the example she wrote of as a jumping spot to launch her *actual* query, which she further clarified in her second post:

"What i was trying to get at was simply that the way one behaves, in any forum, is part and parcel of who and what they are and that certain behaviors are suspect."

It seems to me that the majority of the posts were somewhat of a knee-jerk reaction.

I would agree that if they present a certain representation of who they are and then their actions and conduct bely that representation to be a carefully crafted facade - it would raise a red flag to me about their honesty and ability or desire to openly communicate in a straightforward manner.

That being said, that's basically all it would do for me.

It would raise a red flag - and then I'd move on. I would not seek to *expose* them or do anything else at all really besides file that red flag for that person away in my mind, and then just not communicate with them again.

JMO.

~ShadeDiva

_____________________________

~ShadeDiva
My projects of love:
theFetishForums
HumanFauna
Kinked
DommeWorld

(in reply to bena)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: strange behavior - 12/30/2004 8:09:03 PM   
GoddessJules


Posts: 549
Status: offline 		Shade,

I think I can *kinda* understand the sentiment (or frustration) behind the posts in response to the OP. There has been a general "theme" to this "type" of post.

1) It seems that this "type" of post come from people who can't even bother to introduce themselves to the forum, *yet* they are so willing and able to come to the forums looking for sympathizers when their first post is to say something negative about other members.

2) The general themes to these posts are of the "internet nature". . .meaning it is something that we probably all go through in our day to day activities on the net (I get hate mail just about every day and I notice myself on many people's favorite lists) yet it is always someone with one or two posts that drag these scenarios to the forums. Oh yeah. . .and it isn't something that happens in real life ("I attended a munch yesterday and some dom cold cocked me in upside the head!") It is always about a rude email, not getting responses to their unsolicited email, cyber bullying, cyber stalking, cyber ad infinitum.

3) I think I suggested before that perhaps we should have a new category on the boards (right under random stupidity) called "cry me a river."

But other than that. . .how the hell are ya?

J

_____________________________

A pig's pussy is still pork, just like a bull's balls are still beef.
Click here to visit my site

(in reply to ShadeDiva)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: strange behavior - 12/30/2004 8:09:57 PM   
EStrict


Posts: 729
Joined: 1/11/2004
Status: offline 		I'm sorry, but I don't see the person listing her having anything to do with *honor*, *honorable* or *integrity*. People online throw around these words as if they are magical ways those *worthy* all behave.

I think the OP is being a bit naive to believe others (especially only) have to live up to her personal beliefs. It just isn't going to happen. You should cosider it a compliment he likes your picture. If you are blocked, he isn't harrassing you, and honestly, it could just as easily be said you asking others to write him to request he not do a feature the site ALLOWS all to show just as little *honor*. Respect his wishese to list those HE wishes, just as you have the right to list or block those YOU wish. Personally though, I have more respect for a person that will list someone who they want to look at the picture of (and if she doesn't want people to look at her picture, she shouldn't have one) than one as condescending as Eris comes across.

Sorry Eris, the majority of the submissive and slaves I know are far from fragile,, for that matter, *my* personal experience is that it is dominants that most often have the fragile ego's...and I see their hackles raise the most often.

_____________________________

Sandy

Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway...

(in reply to bena)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: strange behavior - 12/30/2004 8:17:31 PM   
phoenix52


Posts: 179
Joined: 12/9/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sfgrrl

Please, oh PLEASE protect us poor subs and slaves from the big bad Doms!

Give me a break.

~stef


LOL... my thoughts exactly! If we are speaking of r/l safety here, i have *always* wanted a chance to test out my pepper spray...

(in reply to stef)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: strange behavior - 12/30/2004 8:55:32 PM   
ShadeDiva


Posts: 1005
Joined: 3/31/2004
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline 		Jules:

LOL I'm doing pretty good Jules! How about you? *smile*

And you do have a point. I just didn't get the same tone from it as I guess others did.

________________


EStrict:
I guess I do because he *agreed* and was pleasant about it. (Granted I don't really buyy into online hype that much - but I was speaking in a general fashion, using her example as a jumping point, and not making it the focus, which is what I read her as doing as well) Generally speaking - if I have a conversation with someone, and I ask them if they will do something, and they agree, and don't give ANY indication it's an issue for them at all, and then they don't do what they agreed to do, and then avoid me, well yes, that is something that *would* throw up a red flag.

It would in real life and it would online.

All that red flag would mean to me though is that they have shown me at least once, that they will say one thing and do another, be it online or real life, it's just one experience that I have had with that person, and yeah, I'll file it.

Does it mean anything tangible? Maybe so, maybe no. At that point it is merely data with no purpose or objective, it merely is. <shrug>

I certainly wouldn't react to it, or deem it as being unsafe or dangerous, just merely someone's presentation not adding up to their reality.

JMO.

~ShadeDiva

_____________________________

~ShadeDiva
My projects of love:
theFetishForums
HumanFauna
Kinked
DommeWorld

(in reply to phoenix52)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: strange behavior - 12/31/2004 3:13:21 AM   
kyyara


Posts: 3
Joined: 12/6/2004
Status: offline 		i do appreciate the responses, thank You ...

i guess we all approach things from different angles ... one of the wonderful things about being unique.

i didn't realize there was an "unwritten rule" that someone should introduce themselves in the forum before posting, i thought that was what the profile was for, my mistake.

sincerely,
kyyara

~continuing on believing that saying One is a Dom is not an excuse for bad behavior, even online~

(in reply to ShadeDiva)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: strange behavior - 12/31/2004 5:21:47 AM   
OrientalMistress


Posts: 34
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline 		My dear one, I must totally agree with you. The behaviour is not that of a Dom with principles, but one who strikes Me as being of what is often termed "old school" ... in that He believes that He is right regardless and that a woman -- be she submissive or Domme -- is not worthy to offer Him advice or counsel.
If He refuses to remove you from His favorites list, I would contact the managers of collarme and state your case along with supporting words from the Domme whom you mentioned. Also include all correspondence. I'd recommend that He be dropped from the group.
The other aspect, if you are truly concerned about safety, then change your ID and profile accordingly...so that if He should try to reach you at your current ID, it no longer exist.
One other critical point. As you have not yielded yourself to this one who claims to be a Dom...you have no obligation to OBEY him, should He attempt to contact you again...which your message gave no indication that he had done so.
May wisdom be your guide along the pathway you have chosen.

Oriental Mistress

<Contact information removed. They can contact you on the other side of the site to receive private email address>

< Message edited by ModeratorFour -- 12/31/2004 11:32:17 AM >

(in reply to kyyara)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: strange behavior - 12/31/2004 5:29:35 AM   
Tristan


Posts: 330
Joined: 5/31/2004
Status: offline 		Kyyara,

I understand your fustration. However, its better that the jerks show their true character online rather than waiting until r/l. It might be better for you to welcome the online red flags as a way to weed out and ignore the undesireables. That way all you are left with are people you enjoy talking to. There is no reason for you to waste any more time or energy than it takes to delete a message or ignore a person you find anoying.

Tristan

(in reply to kyyara)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: strange behavior - 12/31/2004 5:31:50 AM   
Moleculor


Posts: 189
Joined: 5/23/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessEris

As Dominants, we tend to forget the fragility of a sub or slaves sence of security, especially one that is uncollared. Without a Dominant they feel unprotected, unsafe, vulnerable to the "bad" things in the world that they would otherwise be protected from, so it's understandable that they feel worry that they are being "Watched" by someone they do not wish to assicociate with, wether or not it if unfounded or not. I would think it warrents concern anytime a dominant is approached respectfully, especailly since this person obviously doesn't even have respect for other dominants. If they can't respect other dominants, what harm are they going to inflict on a simple slave?


I'm a firm believer in subs only being "fragile" because of the prevaling assumption of other people that they're "fragile". If enough people tell you that you need protecting, you'll start to believe it yourself.

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyyara
i didn't realize there was an "unwritten rule" that someone should introduce themselves in the forum before posting, i thought that was what the profile was for, my mistake.


Ptht. Whomever told you that was feeding you a load of crap.

(in reply to GoddessEris)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: strange behavior - 12/31/2004 5:45:54 AM   
LordODiscipline


Posts: 995
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline 		Eris:
I have to tell you, this position about 'submissives' sincerely annoys me.

(Please, understand - you are not being attacked, and you are certainly not the only one who holds this "Castlerealm" opinion)

To whit:
If someone is this fragile, mentally - they need to seek out the assistance of psychiatric professionals.

Personally, I would avoid anything this berefit of a 'spine' and/or the neurons that God granted a mouse like the plague; as, - if they cannot take care of themselves, they certainly cannot serve my needs as they would be required to walk outside the door of the house on more than a few occasions.

Just a thought.

~J

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessEris

As Dominants, we tend to forget the fragility of a sub or slaves sence of security, especially one that is uncollared. Without a Dominant they feel unprotected, unsafe, vulnerable to the "bad" things in the world that they would otherwise be protected from, so it's understandable that they feel worry that they are being "Watched" by someone they do not wish to assicociate with, wether or not it if unfounded or not. I would think it warrents concern anytime a dominant is approached respectfully, especailly since this person obviously doesn't even have respect for other dominants. If they can't respect other dominants, what harm are they going to inflict on a simple slave?


(in reply to GoddessEris)
Profile   Post #: 20
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