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RE: Eluding of questions - 8/22/2006 3:46:22 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Florid

Thank you all for your guidance,opinions,direction and knowledge.  I often ask these question like: stating a value of mine and then asking their take on it, or i would state in conversation that this is me...things that i like or dislike and then ask their feelings on them.....never nothing personal have i asked about their home life or work,unless they have brought it up first. I would truly understand then if they said "in time" .

I beleive what i am hearing from all of you is that their might not be any compatibility,and be patient,and it is not the normal to be able and have generally related questions answered. Also to present my questions in an appropriate way.

Thank you for giving me your time
Florid


It is possible that some of these doms share very different values than you so they are reluctant to share their feelings. I have had people (both vanilla and lifestyle) that misrepresented their beliefs to be similar to mine and misunderstand the fact that I could not settle for someone that was too different from myself. It always came out in the end, and I ended up not seeing them anymore.

Instead of sharing your values, encourage them to share theirs, and listen to them carefully... just my thoughts

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 8/22/2006 3:48:41 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Florid)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Eluding of questions - 8/22/2006 3:58:22 PM   
sharainks


Posts: 499
Joined: 12/13/2004
Status: offline 		Florid, There is nothing wrong with what you are asking.  You just want to get to know something about them as a person. 

To me this is a weeding out thing.  If the "dom" can't manage to discuss something other than your bra size, your sexual proclivities, and what bdsm activities you like there probably isn't going to be much there for you (or me). 

I'm not seeking a casual play partner.  I want, at a minimum, someone I can be good friends with, share a laugh with, have some good intelligent discussions with outside the realm of play. 

(in reply to Florid)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Eluding of questions - 8/22/2006 4:04:11 PM   
Tamerofwild1s


Posts: 1765
Joined: 12/5/2004
Status: offline 		Evasion or eluding the question is just a way of not telling you what you need to know . it has nothing to do with D/s .... as af recent I was also asked about ommissions .. well thats the same thing . something that is pertinent for you to know and not offered in the beginning ...
 
 

_____________________________

A building get torched. All that is left is ashes. I used to think that it is true about everything - family, friends, feelings - but now I know that sometimes if love proves real, and two people are meant to be together, nothing can keep them apart ~

(in reply to Florid)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Eluding of questions - 8/22/2006 5:04:45 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Florid

Is this a common practice in D/s' intitial contact? How should i preceive these eludements?



In my experience it would depend on the nature of the questions and when they are posed. I have frequently encountered people posing questions that are definitely out of place when we've barely said hello. Those that are centered around relationships and physical intimacy are viewed the same. We simply have not reached that place to begin having these discussions. But this may be my own personal bias. I will admit that dialogues particularly focused around the lifestyle are just as annoying. I like to speak to people that have a grasp of a variety of subjects and are able to expound upon them. At times I wonder if people have forgotten that individuals do exist under the pretty labels assigned.

porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to Florid)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Eluding of questions - 8/22/2006 5:36:14 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		My suspicion would be that they want to dispense with the "small talk" and get right to the wanking.

If a potential dom isn't as interested in getting to know me as I am in getting to know him, then I'm no longer interested.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Eluding of questions - 8/22/2006 6:31:46 PM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		No your looking for the dance forum where you can dodge and slide to your hearts content.
~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to BrutalAntipathy)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Eluding of questions - 8/22/2006 6:38:50 PM   
amayos


Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Florid

Master/Sirs/Dom/Dommes: I am a newbie and i am finding it quite frustrating when first talking to a possible Dom. What seems to be so routine is the fact that many elude...or pick and choice questions that i have asked to be answered by them. Most of the questions that i ask are just routine get to know one another..../values/ beliefs/morals/expections.. etc.

I have asked some why they elude my questions and in general terms all have said it is part of a D/s relationship. I do understand that context of what they are saying,but what i don't understand is that there is no committed D/s relationship yet.

Is this a common practice in D/s' intitial contact? How should i preceive these eludements?

Florid


I refuse to hand out answers to questions asked in essay form—even more so when they come to resemble a laundry list. Some questions are inappropriate to ask during a first conversation or exchange of emails, and sometimes I simply prefer my mystery for the time being. Sometimes it's not what is being asked, but HOW it's being asked. But above all things, keep in mind that refusing to answer is not a sign of falsity, nor is answering every question a sign of truth.

(in reply to Florid)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Eluding of questions - 8/22/2006 8:42:05 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		Reply to OP:

Unless the questions were inappriately personal for a brand new correspondence that has just begun, I would probably become suspect.  I cant imagine any reason why a potential dominant or submissive for that matter would hesitate to share some general information about their desires, goals, beliefs etc.  I mean, I wouldnt ask someones name and address right away or anything like that, or interoggate someone.  But they should be willing and able to share enough info so that you can each begin the process of determining if you have enough in common to continue. And I think this goes both ways.  If they are shady about their home life, what kind of work they do ( I dont mean naming the exact company), whether or not theyve ever been married, have children, if they want poly or exclusive etc.  If they're holding back on this type of info, Id drop it like a hot potato. I mean, if the two people arent going to talk about themselves, what are you supposed to do?  Talk about the weather? 

(in reply to amayos)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Eluding of questions - 8/22/2006 8:47:28 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		There are certain topics that I will not answer questions on until someone has gotten to know me better.  It has nothing to do with being elusive, but more being a private person. I do not open everything about myself up to someone right away, thats just not how I am. As we get to know one another better, you will learn more about me. 
asking certain things off the bat of someone you dont yet know is perfectly normal.  Likes, dislikes, and things of that nature.  But getting deeper into someones personality can often take a bit more time. I wouldnt worry about them eluding questions, depending on what those questions might be.

My 2 cents
DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to LadyHugs)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Eluding of questions - 8/22/2006 9:10:34 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		It seems to me that generally when you are first starting to know someone you start with  the siple questions and see hwre the conversation goes..You need not know it all in one single conversation but as the contact becomes more frequest so too does the exchage of info become more involved..With that being said..you do have to look out for more and more frequent evasions..or simply conversation only applying to the D/s or the BDSM aspects..if that is the only context that they can communicate then you must think ..."is this all I want in this relationship?"..without getting to know someone in all aspects of their personality would leave me feeling cautious,mistrustful and generally wary with no possibility of any closeness or trust developed....Tempting

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Eluding of questions - 8/22/2006 10:05:15 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		To the people that do not like to be asked questions right away, it is an unpleasant fact that dominants contact us and try to establish a connection even after reading we want a Chrisian, or a Liberal, or that we do not date sadists, or switches. Some email us when they desire poly even though we have it listed on our profile as a hard limit to save everyone time. If they are establishing contact you cannot take it as a given that they A) read your profile or B) respected its contents. I do not think some laundry lists are uncalled for if they are deal breakers as long as you do not interrogate the individual, or give away too much personal information.

But that is just me, and my experience maybe jaded as several conservatives have more or less lied to me about their views thinking they could change me. That tends to make one wary.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Eluding of questions - 8/22/2006 11:52:58 PM   
MzMinx


Posts: 277
Joined: 12/26/2005
Status: offline 		the same happens to dominants  *smiles* ...   many submissives are  not any more open or truthful .... some bend  there truths to appear more compatable .. some dont share what  they think will not be acceptable ... etc 

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Eluding of questions - 8/23/2006 2:45:27 AM   
Wolfie648


Posts: 600
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Florid

Master/Sirs/Dom/Dommes:  I am a newbie and i am finding it quite frustrating when first talking to a possible Dom.  What seems to be so routine is the fact that many elude...or pick and choice questions that i have asked to be answered by them. Most of the questions that i ask are just routine get to know one another..../values/ beliefs/morals/expections.. etc.

I have asked some why they elude my questions and in general terms all have said it is part of a D/s relationship.  I do understand that context of what they are saying,but what i don't understand is that there is no committed D/s relationship yet.

Is this a common practice in D/s' intitial contact? How should i preceive these eludements?

Florid


Great question.

Personally when I 'elude' a question it is because I have already answered it; probably more than three times. One may not recognise that I have answered it but then one should spend some time in reflection about the things I have said/written etc.

I am not saying that this is what everyone does. I am not saying this is what the majority of people do. It works for me.

As someone who is new you are also fighting against 'what everyone else knows'. You're the new kid in gr 11 when everyone else has been hanging out for 4 years. There's going to be some rough knocks.

Keep yourself safe and stay the course. It's worth it.

D (owner of j).



_____________________________

Possibly.

(in reply to Florid)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Eluding of questions - 8/23/2006 4:24:57 AM   
Florid


Posts: 6
Joined: 7/17/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you all for responding to my question.  I have learned a great deal from you All.

Florid

(in reply to Wolfie648)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Eluding of questions - 8/23/2006 9:11:09 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMinx

the same happens to dominants  *smiles* ...   many submissives are  not any more open or truthful .... some bend  there truths to appear more compatable .. some dont share what  they think will not be acceptable ... etc 


Very true...

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to MzMinx)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Eluding of questions - 8/23/2006 9:17:09 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Florid

Is this a common practice in D/s' intitial contact? How should i preceive these eludements?

Florid


NO... and Percieve them as HUGE red flags!!!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Florid)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Eluding of questions - 8/23/2006 9:30:38 PM   
SexyRed


Posts: 529
Joined: 8/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

[


In my experience it would depend on the nature of the questions and when they are posed. I have frequently encountered people posing questions that are definitely out of place when we've barely said hello. Those that are centered around relationships and physical intimacy are viewed the same. We simply have not reached that place to begin having these discussions. But this may be my own personal bias. I will admit that dialogues particularly focused around the lifestyle are just as annoying. I like to speak to people that have a grasp of a variety of subjects and are able to expound upon them. At times I wonder if people have forgotten that individuals do exist under the pretty labels assigned.

porcelaine


I do so agree with this. There are so many inappropriate questions that people ask too soon, instead of letting things go naturally. I feel there is a way to ascertain things about a prospective partner without asking blunt, intrusive questions.

The best and easiest way to get to know someone and see how honest they are, is consistency.

_____________________________

A trucker will slow down for a blonde, stop for a brunette, but back up 500 yards for a redhead!


(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Eluding of questions - 8/24/2006 3:07:14 AM   
sharainks


Posts: 499
Joined: 12/13/2004
Status: offline 		For myself I usually state a few simple things about myself and then say something to the effect of wanting to know anything about them that they are comfortable sharing at that point in time. 

(in reply to SexyRed)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Eluding of questions - 8/24/2006 3:48:52 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I would be suspicious of someone who wouldn't answer questions.  But first I would look at how I was asking them.  It's not good to present a person with a list of questions, like you are checking off areas of compatibility.  It's better to get to know them as a person first.  That way you share, in conversation many things.  He does some inquiring, you do some inquiring, you answer, it leads to other questions, and things unfold in a reasonable manner.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to sharainks)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Eluding of questions - 8/24/2006 9:43:25 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amayos

quote:

ORIGINAL: Florid

Master/Sirs/Dom/Dommes: I am a newbie and i am finding it quite frustrating when first talking to a possible Dom. What seems to be so routine is the fact that many elude...or pick and choice questions that i have asked to be answered by them. Most of the questions that i ask are just routine get to know one another..../values/ beliefs/morals/expections.. etc.

I have asked some why they elude my questions and in general terms all have said it is part of a D/s relationship. I do understand that context of what they are saying,but what i don't understand is that there is no committed D/s relationship yet.

Is this a common practice in D/s' intitial contact? How should i preceive these eludements?

Florid


I refuse to hand out answers to questions asked in essay form—even more so when they come to resemble a laundry list. Some questions are inappropriate to ask during a first conversation or exchange of emails, and sometimes I simply prefer my mystery for the time being. Sometimes it's not what is being asked, but HOW it's being asked. But above all things, keep in mind that refusing to answer is not a sign of falsity, nor is answering every question a sign of truth.


I retract Item 24.b on page 16, Section 12. 


(in reply to amayos)
Profile   Post #: 40
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