Eluding of questions (Full Version)

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Florid -> Eluding of questions (8/22/2006 3:27:53 AM)

Master/Sirs/Dom/Dommes:  I am a newbie and i am finding it quite frustrating when first talking to a possible Dom.  What seems to be so routine is the fact that many elude...or pick and choice questions that i have asked to be answered by them. Most of the questions that i ask are just routine get to know one another..../values/ beliefs/morals/expections.. etc.

I have asked some why they elude my questions and in general terms all have said it is part of a D/s relationship.  I do understand that context of what they are saying,but what i don't understand is that there is no committed D/s relationship yet.

Is this a common practice in D/s' intitial contact? How should i preceive these eludements?

Florid



RavenMuse -> RE: Eluding of questions (8/22/2006 3:45:39 AM)

Firstly IMO it has nothing to do with D/s, but rather in the nature of those people you have been communicating with.

If someone becomes elusive and evading in responce to My direct questions then it begins to red flag. Clear communication is vital to the way *I* work. Wether the evasion is a result of them having something to hide OR simply 'game playing' someone who indulges in it is unlikely to be compatable with Me.



mstrjx -> RE: Eluding of questions (8/22/2006 4:49:45 AM)

I agree.  Communication, opening up, these are very important factors in what will be an important decision for you.  You are wanting to be vulnerable, but you want to feel safe in your vulnerability.  Avoidance is not honorable, and perhaps I am so old-school to believe that there is supposed to be great honor and respect shown in our lifestyles.

But that communication and question-and-answer gathering goes both ways.  Just an observation and not a criticism, but other than that you 'have' a profile, it doesn't say anything.  You would have to face the same battery of questions, or more.

Hope this helps.
Jeff



Tikkiee -> RE: Eluding of questions (8/22/2006 4:53:47 AM)

quote:

I have asked some why they elude my questions and in general terms all have said it is part of a D/s relationship.

What a load of BS. Please tell me that you are not falling for this line...[:o]



SirDarkside357 -> RE: Eluding of questions (8/22/2006 5:25:41 AM)

If you ask a question that you want answered in the beginning, then you have the right to have it answered.  If someone answers only the questions they chose, then you need to chose to say.....NEXT.



DanielsHeart -> RE: Eluding of questions (8/22/2006 5:35:19 AM)

Though i am not a Master/Sirs/Dom/Domme...........My 2 cents.

D/s is not that much different when trying to get to know someone.  If a person eludes questions they are probably hiding something. 

i would simply move on.

Daniel's heart



MstrssPassion -> RE: Eluding of questions (8/22/2006 5:46:21 AM)

I have to agree... it is most likely just the type of people you have had contact with.

As for me I insist on open communication. I don't want someone to be hung up wondering if they will say something wrong or break some type of unknown protocol. I do not want to receive that C/cap crap or third person speak. I want to talk to the most real aspect of the person possible so that I can get to know as much about them without any feelings of pressure to perform.

I have very few topics that I will not open up for discussion until a fair amount of familiarity has been established. When those are brought up I will simply say that I am not ready to discuss that at this time.

Example: information about my children other than the fact I have children, where I work, my exact location in town

Most conversations never get to this point because most often I am asked a slew of questions that were already addressed in my profile/journal & my feelings are that if you didn't care enough to read my profile then you obviously responded to me based on a photo with no real interest in the person. (or they send a nude pic... just plain rude... actually had a dom do this the other day & the only thing he wrote is "you're beautiful, too bad we are both doms"... Like seeing his pecker is going to change a thing.



maybemaybenot -> RE: Eluding of questions (8/22/2006 5:48:49 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Florid

I have asked some why they elude my questions and in general terms all have said it is part of a D/s relationship.  I do understand that context of what they are saying,but what i don't understand is that there is no committed D/s relationship yet.


Florid


A   D/s relationship is not a guessing game. You want and need to know the person you are giving control to.

Think of it as the same as any other relationship. There are no secret rules or magical powers that Doms have or don't have.

I can't think of a question I wouldn't answer, nor can I think of one I would ask that I would accept a non answer for.

Of course, I ain't givimg up my credit crad numbers and expiration dates,, but I think you know what I am saying.[;)]

                      mbmbn



happypervert -> RE: Eluding of questions (8/22/2006 6:46:36 AM)

quote:

when first talking to a possible Dom.  What seems to be so routine is the fact that many elude...or pick and choice questions that i have asked to be answered by them.

Perhaps it is so routine because of the way you are asking. When I read the part quoted above it reminded me of interrogations where someone bombards you with questions while not providing any answers herself. Furthermore, there are issues of timing -- when I'm first talking with someone I don't ask her the most intimate questions until I've gotten to know her a bit.

I have eluded questions too on the rare occasions where I have encountered someone like that whom I consider so inept at carrying on a conversation and easing into a relationship,  but that is because she has made me so uncomfortable with her nosiness prying that I intended to elude her permanently too.

So here are the key points:
  1. share similar information as you ask questions, even better if you do it before you ask
  2. have conversations instead of interrogations
  3. get to know them a bit so they're comfortable and trust you before trying to unearth their innermost dreams and demons
That ought to help things will work better for you in the future.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Eluding of questions (8/22/2006 6:51:55 AM)

While their excuses for not answering leaves something to be desired, I want to know what questions you are asking.  There are things I won't get into with someone I've just started chatting with because I don't think it's appropriate for that stage of social bonding.  So if your questions are not things that you would discuss with someone offline at that stage, they might have good reason to not answer them (though again, their pathetic excuse and avoidance most likely just means that they are hiding something and trying to manipulate you into believing them).

You're right, it is frustrating.  But that's the process.  As much as people try and ignore this- most doms suck, most are going to be COMPLETELY wrong for you, and the small percentage who come close to being a decent match for you- most of THEM will have something very wrong with them as well.  Accept the odds and work with what you have- never settle.



BrutalAntipathy -> RE: Eluding of questions (8/22/2006 7:02:31 AM)

I find the question presented by the OP of this thread far too direct, and decline to respond. I will however accept any future nude photographs.



IronBear -> RE: Eluding of questions (8/22/2006 7:03:24 AM)

no commect



Florid -> RE: Eluding of questions (8/22/2006 7:39:13 AM)

Thank you all for your guidance,opinions,direction and knowledge.  I often ask these question like: stating a value of mine and then asking their take on it, or i would state in conversation that this is me...things that i like or dislike and then ask their feelings on them.....never nothing personal have i asked about their home life or work,unless they have brought it up first. I would truly understand then if they said "in time" .

I beleive what i am hearing from all of you is that their might not be any compatibility,and be patient,and it is not the normal to be able and have generally related questions answered. Also to present my questions in an appropriate way.

Thank you for giving me your time
Florid



MzTlaz -> RE: Eluding of questions (8/22/2006 7:53:31 AM)

There is a very true line "People with nothing to hide, hide nothing".

Dominance isn't about being mysterious, in fact, I believe we need to be more open in our relationships because of what it is we do.   Trust is imperative.



subinside -> RE: Eluding of questions (8/22/2006 8:07:31 AM)

Not a Mstr/Mstrss or other, but my take is that someone being elusive is never a good sign.  An opinion is generally something that you have or you don't have... there shouldn't usually be room for fudging.. some answers are yes and no.. the really dangerous question is still usually "what are you thinking".. i've found most times, you don't really want to know. ;)
But you can't learn if you don't ask questions, especially when you are getting into new territory, so keep asking the questions and expecting that it is your right to get answers.

i agree with MzTlaz... this lifestyle definitely needs a lot of openness and good communication.. else one person may be happily going in one direction and not realize the other is going in another.




SweetSarijane -> RE: Eluding of questions (8/22/2006 8:07:58 AM)

The excuse of that's the way D/s is as reason to avoid answering questions is pure bs and raises a red flag to me that would likely end with me cutting contact. As to the rest, it depends on the type of questions you're asking, what you're wanting to know and how far into communicating you are or length of time you've been communicating with said person(s).



vield -> RE: Eluding of questions (8/22/2006 8:23:09 AM)

Hi Florid,

This is a reasonable question, so I am glad you are getting some interesting reasonable answers.

I feel that if honesty is not present, the person I am talking to is not going to be compatible with me. Experience has shown this to be a good valid point.

However honesty can still be present when a person asks me to use discretion and to respect their privacy on some things. Many of us have jobs, vanilla family & friends and so forth with whom we may not be out of the BD/SM closet. I am not going to give anyone full details of my life without knowing that I have mutual trust with them. This takes time.

Consensuality to me means that all parties involved are adults who knowingly consent to all that they share, and who fully respect each other's limits. If someone does not consent to answer a question of mine or I do not consent to answer a question of theirs, this in fact is a courteous, respectable response.

Tthere can be MANY valid reasons why someone feels certain questions are not ones they wish to answer.

However ignoring your questions, evading them, lying to you harassing you about them or BSing you about them are signs of red flags...danger signals.

There is a definite difference which no doubt you shall soon recognize.

The manipulator, the predator, pretender, the insecure person, the person just trying to get into anyone's pants, the scorekeeper, the abuser, the substance problem person, and so forth all will usually be showing negative evasive actions.

The courteous and mutually respectful person who says I'm sorry, I can not talk about that topic is different.

Until you have built trust with me, I'm not giving you my home and job information.

I have been trusted with information by others in my life, and I will not be sharing that with you either.

Your right to say the same needs to be acceptable to those you talk to.

Best,

Vield



Lashra -> RE: Eluding of questions (8/22/2006 10:30:48 AM)

It's not part of D/s to dodge a question either the person doesn't know how to answer or they are a bit fearful you may not like their answer.

To me if a person cannot be straight forward when asked a question then perhaps there is something going on that maybe considered a red flag.

As always proceed with caution and with your eyes/ears wide open.

~Lashra and slutjack



BrutalAntipathy -> RE: Eluding of questions (8/22/2006 10:43:57 AM)

What? D/s doesn't stand for Dodge/slide? You mean that i've been posting on the wrong site all along? Damnit, damnit all to hell!



LadyHugs -> RE: Eluding of questions (8/22/2006 10:49:41 AM)

Dear Florid, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
Responses have been rather well stated, thus far.   I do wish to add on them.
 
Questions posed as far as morals, beliefs, values and expectations can have people jump to all sorts of assumptions.  Religion, politics and sports seem to really stir up people so, sometimes that is reason not to even talk on the matter so soon into the 'getting to know you.'
 
I also have problems like another post said, where people throw questions at me like some interrogator or somebody digging for dirt on me.  I have to question their intent.
 
Perhaps by focusing on beliefs in D/s relationships, values in BDSM, etc., you allow those to narrow the assumption to spot on vital facts to ask on.  Unlike vanilla, it really is reversed in some ways.  We (in general terms) want to know if the kink or style we work within the community/scene suits us before we even get onto a more person on person 'getting to know you basis.'  People don't see the need to waste time in failing to get their BDSM needs met before their entire life needs met.  It is a emotional wreckage when you talk about everything about individuals only to then find out their kink isn't compatable.  So, perhaps this is an element that hasn't been considered.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs



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