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HollyS -> RE: Eluding of questions (8/26/2006 12:18:51 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Florid
Master/Sirs/Dom/Dommes: I am a newbie and i am finding it quite frustrating when first talking to a possible Dom. What seems to be so routine is the fact that many elude...or pick and choice questions that i have asked to be answered by them. Most of the questions that i ask are just routine get to know one another..../values/ beliefs/morals/expections.. etc.
I have asked some why they elude my questions and in general terms all have said it is part of a D/s relationship. I do understand that context of what they are saying,but what i don't understand is that there is no committed D/s relationship yet.
I don't remember Florid stating what specific questions she was asking or whether it was always the same ones that were being avoided. Either way, presentation is everything. A few questions at a time within a friendly will probably get you further than a list sent on a first or second conversation. You should also give as good as you get - most people prefer to share personal information at the same level it's being revealed to them by the other person. The person you're writing to is more than a list of Dom characteristics that may or may not meet your expectations. We all want to be treated as people - no more, no less.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Noah
Another thing to consider in all this is communication style. If communication represents to you primarily a process by which you acquire and store data well that's fine. You probably won't enjoy getting to know me. I do dance around when I talk, sometimes. To me conversation at its best is a kind of dance. As I'm getting to know someone I want to see their moves, as it were. Can you keep the thread? Do you move it in interesting directions? Indirection can be an art in itself.
This is an interesting idea - that communication can ever be "not" about acquiring data. It's true, the best conversation between two people is a kind of dance. And yet, everything you say about noticing their moves, directions taken... guess what? It's all data collection - data you consider important about the person you're dancing with. It's also, however, one-sided unless both partners are willing to be equally candid with each other. If the respondant finds a particular question out of line, it's reasonable for him or her to say "I don't prefer to discuss that just yet" rather than simply dodge. Evasion is a passive-aggressive form of interpersonal contact which certainly shows us something about that person's values.
quote:
If you are just getting to know me and you start asking qustions about what my expectations are in a relationship, I think you're probably out of line. On a vanilla first date would you ask: "What are your expectations of a partner in a relationship?" I hope not. If things eventually move toward relationship territory there will be plenty of time for discussions then.
Many people have relationships that are not romantic or intimate. Simply asking the question respectfully could invite a discussion about the nature of various kinds of relationships, from acquaintance to lover to Master to friend and how they are the same/differ. It could invite a host of fascinating discussions, laying a foundation for some form of relationship down the road...or not. If the person resists answering d/t his assumptions regarding what is meant by "relationship", then again, it tells you something about that person.
quote:
Maybe you just can't wait and you refuse to invest in an acquaintance to see whether friendship might ensue--without some "assurance" of likely relationship compatibility. That's fine. If so then you've shown me something about your values, something I don't care for. I hope we can part on good terms.
I'm not sure what to make of this. It reminds me of another thread, where a woman wrote wondering whether she should keep her date with a Dominant who told her "Well, you're older than I usually play with and you certainly wouldn't win any beauty contests and you don't even have the skill level i'm looking for but i was intrigued by insights." She wasn't sure if she should be offended and cut off contact or keep with this person, grateful that he could "look beneath the surface." We all look for some form of compatibility to continue in each other's company, even if its simply that the two people enjoy speaking with each other and nothing more. Like you said, if you find a person fun, fresh and interesting you will continue with them, otherwise not. The issue of assurance is something else all together and I didn't see anything in Florid's OP that implied she was looking for any guarantees from anyone. Usually if someone asks for assurance (assuming the two have moved beyond initial conversation), it usually means the person is experiencing some sort of dissonance and is looking to resolve the question, whatever it is. Being crystal clear about what each person wants can be a great help in such a situation. And again, evasion speaks as loud as any words.
~Holly
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