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How can I get vanilla boyfriend more aware of my desires? - 12/30/2004 11:10:24 PM   
UniquelyMe


Posts: 6
Joined: 12/30/2004
Status: offline 		Hello Everyone!!

I am a 19/f/submissive who has been going out with a loving 24 yr old gentlemen for a year now. Everything is pretty much as perfect as can be except for one thing he doesn't know the extent of my BDSM desires. When we are in bed he'll pull my hair, hold my hands above my head, spank me, and call me names but that's about it. I've only taken the step of e-mailing him a BDSM story to see how he liked it, it was very, very light but he said he did. Anyway, I have a feeling that he is a Dominant at heart but treasures me so much and was raised with such respect for women that (I think) it feels odd/weird to him when he does do some of the kinkier stuff with me. How can I "nudge" him if he is Dominant to Dominating me? How can I make him realize that it's OK? Please, any advice is very much appreciated. Thanks

Sincerely,
Uniquely
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: How can I get vanilla boyfriend more aware of my de... - 12/30/2004 11:32:04 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

How can I make him realize that it's OK?


You might try renting some bondage videos. That helped when Hubby and i started. Also maybe just tell him what you want to try. Another idea is to write out things you want to try in a coupon format that he can redeem. Good luck.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to UniquelyMe)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: How can I get vanilla boyfriend more aware of my de... - 12/31/2004 3:46:02 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		He may be dominant but he also may only be doing the things you describe to please the girl he loves.... It's also possible you're seeing things through "rose coloured glasses" ie you're seeing what you wanna see.

But if you really think he belongs in the lifestyle, what better place to start than the very sites you're visiting? There are several excellent resource sites about as well as this and other Forums.... If he's really dominant, he'll take to it like a fish to water!

Your upbringing has little effect on your fantasies! Indeed, they're heightened if they're at odds to how you're raised - who isn't fascinated by taboo subjects? Granted, upbringing can cause inhibitions but a willing partner removes a lot of self pressure.... But you can't teach him or anyone to be dominant (or submissive) anymore than you can teach a gay to be straight. You can point him in the appropriate direction and he'll discover it's what he wants and needs or he won't! Pressure (even subtle and well intentioned) from you to be something he may not be will only delay and inflame what may be inevitable....

Focus50.

(in reply to UniquelyMe)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: How can I get vanilla boyfriend more aware of my de... - 12/31/2004 4:00:33 AM   
INSIDEYOURMIND


Posts: 483
Status: offline 		As has been discussed in depth on this forum before, communication is key to any kind of relationhip, Bdsm, vanilla, choclate, strawberry, what ever.

Sit down with him, discuss it, show him this and other quality sites.

If there is a sleeping Dom in there, these ideas will help to awaken him.

_____________________________

If I got smart with you.................
How would you know?

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: How can I get vanilla boyfriend more aware of my de... - 12/31/2004 4:02:37 AM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline 		Dear U-

If you are on the island, the two of you should come hang out with me. I have been a bad influance on a few young men over the years<g>.

Out side of that, you should just keep encouraging him, and be very patient. It is hard to overcome a life time of social conditioning.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to UniquelyMe)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: How can I get vanilla boyfriend more aware of my de... - 12/31/2004 5:09:14 AM   
OrientalMistress


Posts: 34
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline 		Contact Me at [email protected]. I am a Mistress of many decades experience and have a few thoughts that might get your Man moving, if you still need help. Madam Tau

(in reply to UniquelyMe)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: How can I get vanilla boyfriend more aware of my de... - 12/31/2004 7:05:02 AM   
Tristan


Posts: 330
Joined: 5/31/2004
Status: offline 		I think good communication and time work well. It sounds like you are off to a good start. Keep talking to him about what you desire, and make sure he understands that it brings you pleasure. We are brought up to respect our g/fs. It might feel strange for him at first to do the things you desire. He might feel that he's being abusive. Make sure he understands that a good bdsm relationship is a positive relationship built on mutual trust and respect. It will take time for him to overcome those feelings of weirdness or abuse. Keep talking and take it one step at a time. When he is comfortable one step, take it a step further. Just make sure that you are both communicating and listening. As in any relationship, this is a continuous process that should never stop.

Tristan

(in reply to OrientalMistress)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: How can I get vanilla boyfriend more aware of my de... - 12/31/2004 7:15:56 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Tell him. Don't assume he is a mind reader. Or sharp enough to catch onto your hints. As you said he grew up deeply respecting women. He may just not be getting the hints.

Communicate and then some more. If you want a good relationship in life you need to learn now.

(in reply to UniquelyMe)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: How can I get vanilla boyfriend more aware of my de... - 12/31/2004 7:32:02 AM   
smile2cu


Posts: 265
Joined: 7/21/2004
From: Dayton, OH
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire
Tell him. Don't assume he is a mind reader. Or sharp enough to catch onto your hints. As you said he grew up deeply respecting women. He may just not be getting the hints.

Communicate and then some more. If you want a good relationship in life you need to learn now.

I wholeheartedly agree. My experience is that mindreading just doesn't work as well in males as females think it does.
But we appreciate gentle, but straight talk.

Good luck to you!

_____________________________

Friendly, kind, cheerful, and oral.

~smile~

(in reply to sub4hire)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: How can I get vanilla boyfriend more aware of my de... - 12/31/2004 7:51:01 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

How can I "nudge" him if he is Dominant to Dominating me? How can I make him realize that it's OK? Please, any advice is very much appreciated. Thanks


TELL HIM!

(in reply to UniquelyMe)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: How can I get vanilla boyfriend more aware of my de... - 12/31/2004 10:51:45 AM   
perverseangelic


Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline 		repeating what everyone has already said- TALK TO HIM!


My parnter took quite a while to realize it really -was- ok to be not nice. It helped that almost every time we did anything verging on painful/mean/uncomfortable/cruel afterward we sat down and talked about it. He could ask "was that ok" without feeling threatened and I could say "that was wonderful" or "please do -more- of that" or "Actually, I couldn't feel it at all, try harder" without feeling like I was insulting him.

Communication = good!

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: How can I get vanilla boyfriend more aware of my de... - 12/31/2004 10:52:41 AM   
perverseangelic


Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline 		uh...double post? Sutpid me

< Message edited by perverseangelic -- 1/1/2005 11:48:35 AM >

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: How can I get vanilla boyfriend more aware of my de... - 12/31/2004 10:46:53 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		Do you ever say anything ELSE?

Anyway, one comment to the OP: Be prepared for the possibility that he's not interested in anything other than what he already does. He MAY have deeper desires, latent or otherwise, but if they're there, they should manifest themselves pretty quickly if you're up-front about your own desires. If you find yourself nudging and nudging, and he doesn't come around, then you may have to accept the fact that sexually he just isn't compatible with you.

Lam

quote:

ORIGINAL: OrientalMistress

Contact Me at [email protected]. I am a Mistress of many decades experience and have a few thoughts that might get your Man moving, if you still need help. Madam Tau


(in reply to OrientalMistress)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: How can I get vanilla boyfriend more aware of my de... - 1/1/2005 12:27:17 AM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		hmmmmmmm a sub wishing to train the dom eh? Well I have seen this before in other relationships. However maybe it's you who is a masochistic dom. Either way everyone else has given you great advice and I can never say enough how impressed I am with discussing these issues with ppl who actually know what they are talking about. As for my adivce, well why not buy him a couple of toys, cuffs, whips/whatever, and see if he can get the idea. Other than that don't forget to buy him a peacock and or quill feather and other teasing items.

Last but not least, make sure he knows if you perfer to have pain as punishment or as a reward. It varies from sub to sub and it's important that knows what type you are. Other than that in never hurts to ask "would you please do bla to me?" from time to time and see if he likes what he is doing.

Take care and best of luck for the continueing growth of your relationship.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to UniquelyMe)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: How can I get vanilla boyfriend more aware of my de... - 1/1/2005 9:47:26 AM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

As for my adivce, well why not buy him a couple of toys, cuffs, whips/whatever, and see if he can get the idea.


Maybe going shopping together would help. That's what Hubby and i did when He became interested in this. The first thing we bought was a beginner's bondage kit.

< Message edited by proudsub -- 1/1/2005 6:09:07 PM >

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to FangsNfeet)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: How can I get vanilla boyfriend more aware of my de... - 1/1/2005 3:28:44 PM   
MasterBraveHeart


Posts: 4
Joined: 12/31/2004
Status: offline 		Next time he comes over, be online looking at BDSM sirtes and ask him if he could help you understand some of terms and what it all means. No man wants to appear uninformed in front of his lady. Good luck, let me know if this did the trick

Masterbraveheart

(in reply to UniquelyMe)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: How can I get vanilla boyfriend more aware of my de... - 1/1/2005 9:28:45 PM   
Nvernilla


Posts: 303
Joined: 10/1/2004
Status: offline 		Asking is always the best approach to something like this unless your Dom is also a psychic...

(in reply to UniquelyMe)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: How can I get vanilla boyfriend more aware of my de... - 1/2/2005 8:05:58 PM   
UniquelyMe


Posts: 6
Joined: 12/30/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

He may be dominant but he also may only be doing the things you describe to please the girl he loves.... It's also possible you're seeing things through "rose coloured glasses" ie you're seeing what you wanna see.

But if you really think he belongs in the lifestyle, what better place to start than the very sites you're visiting? There are several excellent resource sites about as well as this and other Forums.... If he's really dominant, he'll take to it like a fish to water!

Your upbringing has little effect on your fantasies! Indeed, they're heightened if they're at odds to how you're raised - who isn't fascinated by taboo subjects? Granted, upbringing can cause inhibitions but a willing partner removes a lot of self pressure.... But you can't teach him or anyone to be dominant (or submissive) anymore than you can teach a gay to be straight. You can point him in the appropriate direction and he'll discover it's what he wants and needs or he won't! Pressure (even subtle and well intentioned) from you to be something he may not be will only delay and inflame what may be inevitable....

Focus50.


Focus50-

Unfortunately I think that you are right, I send him "Educating Nicholas", a BDSM-romantic story off of bdsmlibrary.com and he liked the first part (light spanking) better than the last two (much more "serious" BDSM). He even went as far to say, "Well, that's not your fantasy you said you took it from somewhere.". It's not him and I guess I have to accept that, I'll just have to realize that he'll spank me 'cause he enjoys that but pretty much anything else he's doing just to please me. Is it wrong to need to be dominated so badly that I am comtemplating breaking up with him if he can't give it to me?Thanks and thanks to everyone else who gave their response on my query.

Sincerely,
Uniquely

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: How can I get vanilla boyfriend more aware of my de... - 1/3/2005 12:17:26 AM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline
quote:

Is it wrong to need to be dominated so badly that I am comtemplating breaking up with him if he can't give it to me?


Midear U-

No.

In fact, it may save everyone involved a lot of heartbreak a year or so down the road. Don't for one second think that a realtionship with someone that already seeks this stuff wil be easier or work better, but don't think that you can give this stuff up if it is what you really need , either.

Stay warm,

Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to UniquelyMe)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: How can I get vanilla boyfriend more aware of my de... - 1/3/2005 12:43:37 AM   
TeasedWhispers


Posts: 21
Joined: 12/26/2004
From: Right outside of the Philadelphia Area
Status: offline 		Honestly

I think that you should communicate your needs to him first, then show him things you like through books, pictures,try to get him to look at websites that are interesting to you,such as this one. Although he can never be someone he's not....I had a lover who wanted to dominate me because she loved me,there is a difference doing this for one you love and because its a part of you

Sarah

_____________________________

A puppy is a man's best friend while a object is something he adores, what happened when he has both? Could it be love?

http://www.lessthanhuman.com

(in reply to topcat)
Profile   Post #: 20
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