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What if he/she won't write? - 8/22/2006 10:01:02 PM

shigglyboom

Posts: 110
Joined: 10/10/2005
Status: offline

Hello all,

I'm wondering if people have come across a situation when just starting to explore a relationship in which one person is more aurally-oriented and the other is more oriented to the written word. Do you, as doms or subs, recognize any value in multiple venues (i.e., phone and email), or do you prefer to stick primarily to one venue at a time?

Also, do those who are dominants tend to guide the primary way of interacting based on their own needs, or on what it will take to gain the prospective sub's trust, or to let it unfold without guidance?

Thank you for your insights,

shig

Post #: 1

RE: What if he/she won't write? - 8/22/2006 11:05:18 PM

foxglove716

Posts: 648
Joined: 7/4/2005
Status: offline

Yep, I am very literary oriented where as my s/o has read only three books in his life. I like to write him long, detailed e mails to which I get no reply. It would hurt my feelings if I didn't understand that its not personal, its just his way is his way, and I must respect that. Some people like apples, some like oranges. I like writing more than speaking, theres something old fashioned and romantic about writing to someone you care about.

He would much rather talk on the phone, and I hate talking on phones. I hate not being able to see who I am talking to, as I do believe that 90% of communication is non-verbal. But the phone is *his* way, and these days, you might even mistake me for one of those airheaded girls talking obliviously on the phone while driving to the sale at Macy's.

_____________________________

Illusion is the first of all pleasures. -Oscar Wilde

(in reply to shigglyboom)

Post #: 2

RE: What if he/she won't write? - 8/22/2006 11:21:33 PM

MistressOfGa

Posts: 2929
Status: offline

I am a phone person myself. I like starting out with emails but quickly move to "real time" on the phone. I think that online is fine for initial meeting, but I want to move away from the internet just as soon as possible.

quote:

Also, do those who are dominants tend to guide the primary way of interacting based on their own needs, or on what it will take to gain the prospective sub's trust, or to let it unfold without guidance?

I only guide the interaction in the sense that I want to know more about a potential sub than what size his cock is and what *I* can do for him. I want to know where his head is at, what he is expecting and what he is willing to bring to the table. If I can't get these simple basic questions answered, I lose interest really quick. I am a firm believer that a submissive must know what he is looking for and not just "I want you to mold me" or "Whatever you want Mistress". Those are not answers for me. So I suppose that I do guide the conversation in the sense that I want to know about the person before I want to know what his kink is. To me, there is either plenty of time for that later, or there isn't. It depends on the answers that the submissive gives me.

_____________________________

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Post #: 3

RE: What if he/she won't write? - 8/23/2006 12:26:54 AM

Mavis

Posts: 828
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline

For me, first phone contact to anyone, female friend, sub or Dom, even Master, was always on the way to a first meeting or gather. (Actually, i didn't earn phone rights with Him til after a successful first meet) i figure, until i trust, like, enjoy you enough to meet you face to face, why would i give ya my phone number? i'd completely skip the phone part even then if it wasn't for the fact that invariably, i have to confirm i'm at the right place or get / give updates on ETA.

(if any of my RT friends chime in here with "because she's always late!" i'll start using the dancing bananna smilie and white puffy guy, i swear i will!)

(in reply to MistressOfGa)

Post #: 4

RE: What if he/she won't write? - 8/23/2006 12:35:27 AM

Mavis

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Joined: 2/8/2004
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oh hell, i forgot to answer the question! Hubby is an audio-guy. He buys cards for the pretty pictures. If we'd have met in the day of IMs and e-mail.. W/we wouldn't have met.

i have to admit, i didn't pick up with Him because of long heartfelt discussions on O/our outlook on life, i was with Him because i loved the way He cradled me in His chest and made me feel like the discovered jewel of the valley. i know that's corny, but it was all chemistry. The rest built very slowly. If your person isn't a writer, and you don't enjoy phone, just accept it might be a longer process, but attraction and a good match will overcome obstacles.

(in reply to Mavis)

Post #: 5

RE: What if he/she won't write? - 8/23/2006 1:16:18 AM

xGoddessx

Posts: 81
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I think a lot of times, it's not just Doms but men that can't always express themselves with written words. It's not an insult, by any means, it's just the way things are a lot of the time. My Daddy, he is like that. On the phone, things are good and we have long conversations. When we talk on msngr, I usually write long paragraphs explaining my feelings or something like that, then I get back an "ok". It's a bit frustrating, but I know that's just the way it is. It doesn't mean he doesn't care for me just as much as I do him.

I always tried to move to the phone pretty quickly. I found that this was the easiest way to get to know someone, to get the immediate reaction. If someone wouldn't after a certain amount of time, I would lose interest.

~Goddess~

_____________________________

Still SlaveAkasha...but needing to just be me...if that makes sense.

(in reply to Mavis)

Post #: 6

RE: What if he/she won't write? - 8/23/2006 1:21:25 AM

sierraflowr

Posts: 59
Joined: 6/7/2005
From: Northern California
Status: offline

I think, just like in any other type relationship, one needs to assess the question of how one likes to interact with one another. Its not something people really think of talking about right off the bat but is very important nonetheless. If the person just isn't a phone person, and you need the security of being able to call someone, or have them call you constantly, you'll probably not be a match. same with writing or anything else.
we don't think about preferences much in a D/S relationship becuase the Dom Rules? right? pooh. we are still two people and untill you get to know each other these things are important.
flowr

_____________________________

~flowr
O};-
When I let go of who I am,
I become who I might be.
-Lao Tzu

(in reply to shigglyboom)

Post #: 7

RE: What if he/she won't write? - 8/23/2006 2:32:59 AM

agirl

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Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

I've never actually had a relationship that began with *a possible relationship* in mind. They all began as just friends.......but in answer to your question...........I am totally at home with the written word; prefer to type, write, express that way. I say and express many more things when I am looking at a blank email page and my thoughts and feelings come tumbling out, filling the white space.

The people in my life that I've got close to usually are fairly expressive that way also.

I dislike using the phone apart from one exception; talking to my Master.........He's the only person that I've ever felt remotely comfortable with this way. Sometimes I will not even answer the phone unless I am certain it is him. (Sometimes I don't want to answer the phone when I KNOW it's him, also......LOL)

I think that when you're getting to know someone, for whatever reason, there's not a lack of ways to interact................. A mixture of what each feels comfortable with and brings the best communication are the ones that will swiftly be found and used.

Regards, agirl

(in reply to shigglyboom)

Post #: 8

RE: What if he/she won't write? - 8/23/2006 3:59:25 AM

Lashra

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Joined: 2/9/2006
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One of the rituals I have my sub to do is to sit down and write every friday, how his work week has gone, his thoughts, desires, funny stuff etc. he is the sort of guy who likes to talk on the phone but rarely has anything to say, he likes to listen. I'm not a phone talker, I say what I have to say and then I'm off and running. This is why I prefer the written word from him, he truly can open up and tell me things he would otherwise not think to say.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 9

RE: What if he/she won't write? - 8/23/2006 4:09:21 AM

SensualNSadistic

Posts: 13
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline

To me, it doesn't matter which form of communication is used. The whole purpose of it is to get to know each other, find out if you are seeking the same goals in a relationship and build from there. I am open to whatever forms of communication the ubmissive can build trust the most.

(in reply to shigglyboom)

Post #: 10

RE: What if he/she won't write? - 8/23/2006 4:52:38 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

I love the written word. I like to see how people use it. But at some point it has to move to the telephone if anything has a hope of happening. I don't need a lot of telephone contact though, but there are times when I enjoy hearing the laughter, the intonations and some things do not come across well in cyber-land.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to SensualNSadistic)

Post #: 11

RE: What if he/she won't write? - 8/23/2006 5:40:20 AM

TNstepsout

Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

My experience has been that the Dom males I met online generally did not like interacting online. They perferred to move quickly to phone and then in person as they felt much more comfortable that way. No, they did not take my comfort into consideration. Some did grudgingly, but still tried to rush to other methods of interaction. For them the internet was a tool to be used to make the first contact. Some were very competent in expressing themselves in writing, but I still think it was just a means to an end for them.

I find I much prefer written communication at first. I like having the extra time to consider what the other person is saying before I respond. I can gather information about them based strictly on their words before I have to deal with body language, tone of voice etc... Once I feel comfortable with them and I want to know them better I like to move to phone as it's faster and a lot more ground can be covered.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 12

RE: What if he/she won't write? - 8/23/2006 5:47:03 AM

Tikkiee

Posts: 1099
Joined: 4/6/2006
Status: offline

I personally perfer face to face only. I'll communicate a bit online, but I become bored with it very quickly; and phone contact does nothing for me. When I talk with someone, I want to be able to see their eyes, the way they move when they express something, and hear the tone of voice.

_____________________________

~~@ cass @~~

(in reply to shigglyboom)

Post #: 13

RE: What if he/she won't write? - 8/23/2006 6:33:57 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

It's also very common for females to believe that if he isn't responding "this way" then he isn't "showing his love/emotions/affection/care/etc"

Which isn't true at all- we have to let people be free to express who they are in the way they feel expresses them best.

As long as you ARE getting a response and communication IS an open and productive process, then you should be able to deal with one of you being a word junkie and the other being a talk junkie.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to shigglyboom)

Post #: 14

RE: What if he/she won't write? - 8/23/2006 7:36:39 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shigglyboom

Hello all,

I'm wondering if people have come across a situation when just starting to explore a relationship in which one person is more aurally-oriented and the other is more oriented to the written word. Do you, as doms or subs, recognize any value in multiple venues (i.e., phone and email), or do you prefer to stick primarily to one venue at a time?

Also, do those who are dominants tend to guide the primary way of interacting based on their own needs, or on what it will take to gain the prospective sub's trust, or to let it unfold without guidance?

Thank you for your insights,

shig

I like to communicate either way. My work involves being able to put down in writing what I find wrong with the patient, what I find right with the patient and what my thoughts are regarding their condition, what I intend to do about that and what I hope to accomplish.
One of the reasons a friend of mine suggested that I write a seminar was because he likes the way I've written reports (that he has reviewed for me).
I grew up in a time when teachers insisted on students being able to write stories and, in those stories, express themselves. That was a big help in becoming able to write coherently and...I think...in an interesting fashion. There was no such thing as long-distance phone plans. When I went into the service and was stationed in N. Carolina, I could not afford to call my fiancee every night. So, I wrote letters. So did she. Those letters sometimes comprised one page, sometimes they comprised 4 or 5 or more pages.

I also enjoy conversation. The rank I achieved in the service was achieved partially by being able to communicate to others in such a way as to make them follow my lead. And again, my career also puts a premium on being able to communicate my thoughts and feelings to my patients. I also grew up in a family where the ability to converse was respected and taught.

I like either way of communicating. There are times I prefer to talk by phone...a subject just cannot be handled well or quickly enough in writing. There are other times when I prefer writing...for it gives me time to consider what I am saying AND I have the other person's words right there in front of me for reference.

(in reply to shigglyboom)

Post #: 15

RE: What if he/she won't write? - 8/23/2006 9:02:41 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tikkiee

I personally perfer face to face only. I'll communicate a bit online, but I become bored with it very quickly; and phone contact does nothing for me. When I talk with someone, I want to be able to see their eyes, the way they move when they express something, and hear the tone of voice.

Cassie you always do such an excellent job of reading my mind!

I hate talking on the phone I do it all day at work, right this second in fact!

If I am interested in someone I want to meet them, spend time with them face to face or I loose interest.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 8/23/2006 9:03:29 AM >

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Tikkiee)

Post #: 16

RE: What if he/she won't write? - 8/23/2006 3:19:17 PM

maledave777

Posts: 67
Joined: 8/5/2006
Status: offline

If I am writing an email, I will put more words and thoughts into it. I have time to reread what I have written. I will usually find more things to add. I am not much of a phone talker. When I get to know more about a person, I find it easier to talk to them.

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 17

RE: What if he/she won't write? - 8/23/2006 3:36:09 PM

MissKarenJ

Posts: 12
Joined: 8/23/2006
Status: offline

I need for my subs to write to me. And as they are sub they will either write or we won't get very far.

I learn two things from what they write. One ~ where their intrest are. and Two ~ their intellectual level. No offence but I need someone who can discuss more that what they saw on TV last night.

(in reply to maledave777)

Post #: 18

RE: What if he/she won't write? - 8/23/2006 3:43:33 PM

Steelriven

Posts: 300
Joined: 12/26/2005
Status: offline

Personally, I do both... I can vent verbally with the best of them, and pal alround. However, when it comes to my actuall feelings, specially when it comes to kinks and what not I find the writen word my best friend. I don't know why, but I am so much more open, and less shy if at all in type.

(in reply to maledave777)

Post #: 19

RE: What if he/she won't write? - 8/23/2006 4:06:34 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

I think good dominants do what they know and feel most comfortable with -- increases feelings of control and self-esteem that are both good for being in that role.

I think great dominants also use the things they know work well for their submissives -- do not give up what they like but incorporate other things as well so that both people are growing but also feeling comfortable and safe.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to shigglyboom)

Post #: 20

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