bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla"

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla"

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla"

Page: [1] 2 3 4 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "... - 8/23/2006 3:36:08 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

I am wondering this because I've read many times on this board how some people think a bdsm relationship is more "honest" than others they've had. I can see where this might be true, because "roles" might be more concretely defined, and "expectations" are maybe clearly stated in advance, etc. - and this certainly isn't the case in many "vanilla" relationships, I imagine (although then again - maybe it is, I don't know).

I also seem to read many posts where someone has really almost destroyed someone else with their misbehavior within a bdsm relationship, and one person (or both), have been so completely emotionally vulnerable within it, that this has left them seemingly devastated (maybe because it is a bdsm relationship, where emotions can be laid more "bare" than in some others - least I think that potential is certainly there for that to happen, than in some "vanilla" relationships).

So - I am left thinking that - simply because a bdsm relationship might contain more clearly defined roles, or more clearly stated expectations than a vanilla relationship, that if you're in one with someone who has "issues", or perhaps is simply not seeking what another person might be looking for, that a relationship is not necessarily any more ill-fated, or likewise, suited for happiness, than any non-bdsm relationship.

Any thoughts?
Are bdsm relationships "healthier" simply because they might have the capacity to be more "honest", or does this matter if the people involved simply aren't "on the same page"?

Thanks for the replies.

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/23/2006 4:12:34 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

Post #: 1

RE: bdsm relationships are prone to neither more "... - 8/23/2006 3:40:45 AM

ExSteelAgain

Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline

Straight up. I think subs are more likely to be hurt deeply in D/s relationships if they are abandoned in some way. It is their need, after all, that makes them want to be owned by the Dom. Yes, there is a danger in our relationships. Just another reason, subs should choose carefully.

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 2

RE: bdsm relationships are prone to neither more "... - 8/23/2006 3:45:38 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

Thanks for the reply ExSteel. I think submissives can be more vulnerable in them, too. I realize Dominants are vulnerable as well, but maybe submissives moreso, due to what you stated.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/23/2006 3:48:27 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to ExSteelAgain)

Post #: 3

RE: bdsm relationships are prone to neither more "... - 8/23/2006 3:51:15 AM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline

I'm not so sure if that's accurate...or maybe it's only one side. Yes, I agree that subs should choose very carefully indeed and simply ignore those who do not have similar needs/wants/expectations/goals as they do; however, I have seen many, many doms destroyed by subs who ask to be released. I think it, once again, depends upon the people involved in the relationship and the relationship itself.

I don't know if d/s or bdsm relationships are more "honest" than vanilla ones...again, I think that depends upon those involved. I've seen too many "doms of the week" or even "subs of the hour" to accept that generalization.

(in reply to ExSteelAgain)

Post #: 4

RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than &... - 8/23/2006 3:59:28 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

For two folks who are vanilla, a vanilla relationship will be healthier than any D/s or BDSM relationship they attempt.

For a Dominant and a sub/slave, a D/s relationship will be healthier than trying to deny their nature and fit into some ill-chosen vanilla straightjacket.

Horses for courses. If you are somewhere you 'fit' then it is healthy, if you are trying to be something you are not, then it isn't. You can't say one is across the board 'healthier' because it depends in the people in it.

< Message edited by RavenMuse -- 8/23/2006 4:00:33 AM >

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 5

RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than &... - 8/23/2006 4:02:43 AM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

I know some very vanilla people who have wonderful honest and loving relationships. In truth, it is the two people involved that makes it a healthy or unhealthy one.
I believe the danger lies in our expectations. Dominants and submissives are flawed human beings, no better, no worse.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 6

RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than &... - 8/23/2006 4:02:46 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

I don't think bdsm relationships are necessarily "healthier" than vanilla ones.

I think some people and bdsm folk may think they are, just because of the bdsm aspect, which somehow seems to them to insure the integrity of the relationship, which strikes me as ridiculous, because it takes no account of the individuality of the people involved, just their "roles", or the "life-style", or whatever they think about it contains the mysterious potion, that is going to insulate them from having to aknowledge there is a flesh and blood person to contend with, on the other end.

I am not trying to sound cynical - I'm not a cynic. It's just an assumption I've found extremely hard to swallow, whenever I've read anyone trying to espouse it.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/23/2006 4:17:00 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 7

RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than &... - 8/23/2006 4:10:58 AM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

I disagree entirely with that statement.

It isn't the nature of the relationship - it is the people within the relationship.

If you cannot be honest and open with your partner - it does not matter whether the relationship has elements of BDSM in it or not - it isn't healthy. Period.

I know many happy, content and healthy non BDSM relationships.

In an ideal world, people wouldn't need to find a reason to justify their relationships.

They would just accept themselves and be true to themselves and their partners, no matter what is practised with it.

Peace and Rapture

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 8

RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than &... - 8/23/2006 4:20:35 AM

SensualNSadistic

Posts: 13
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: darkinshadows

I disagree entirely with that statement.
It isn't the nature of the relationship - it is the people within the relationship.

If you cannot be honest and open with your partner - it does not matter whether the relationship has elements of BDSM in it or not - it isn't healthy. Period.

I know many happy, content and healthy non BDSM relationships.
In an ideal world, people wouldn't need to find a reason to justify their relationships.
They would just accept themselves and be true to themselves and their partners, no matter what is practised with it.

Peace and Rapture

AMEN.......its all right here, sort sweet, and simple.

(in reply to darkinshadows)

Post #: 9

RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than &... - 8/23/2006 4:20:43 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO
I am not trying to sound cynical - I'm not a cynic. It's just an assumption I've found extremely hard to swallow, whenever I've read anyone trying to espouse it.

Most times I have seem similar PoV's to the title you used as 'subject to discuss', it has been quite obvious they have been talking entirely from a personal perspective.

There is a deal of diffrence between an attempt to claim that D/s relationships are inherently healthier than other kinds of relationships and stating that a D/s relationship is healthier FOR ME. The latter is something *I* can certainly apply to Myself.

I think the main problem here is people not being clear as to which one they actualy mean.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 10

RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than &... - 8/23/2006 4:30:12 AM

BrutalAntipathy

Posts: 412
Joined: 7/8/2005
Status: offline

I think that honesty transcends relationships. It doesn't need any particular form of relationship in order to exist. As for one relationship being more ( or less ) healthy than another, I seriously doubt it. Many that are of a submissive nature may, and I stress the word may, be inclined to invest more emotion into a D/s relationship, but this does not mean that there are no vanillas that don't invest equal emotion into theirs.

Violation of trust can cause emotional crippling regardless of the form of the relationship. That a D/s relationship allows for potential exploitation of trust in ways not manifested in other relationships might be posed as an argument that they are less healthy. But the person that violates trust can also be found in any relationship, so this too is a weak case.

People being individuals, it is safe to say that there are good and bad in any situation. D/s seems to have no more or less of these people in proportion, except for the ones who disagree with me, who are all evil incarnate.

(in reply to darkinshadows)

Post #: 11

RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than &... - 8/23/2006 5:05:33 AM

princessrn

Posts: 57
Joined: 7/23/2006
Status: offline

i went to write some thing but as i got down the list to find the box to answer all the words i had to say had been put by darkinshadows so my thoughts are on this subject the same as darks.
i was in a vanilla relationship for 16 yrs it takes two people reading from the same page , shame we went out and got different books in the end lol

(in reply to BrutalAntipathy)

Post #: 12

RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than &... - 8/23/2006 5:13:00 AM

zenofeller

Posts: 463
Joined: 6/10/2006
Status: offline

the most we could grant is that healthy bdsm relationships are healthier than unhealthy vanilla relationships.

(in reply to princessrn)

Post #: 13

RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than &... - 8/23/2006 5:19:11 AM

jennylynn

Posts: 14
Joined: 8/22/2006
Status: offline

All relationships have the capability to be healthy. It takes honesty whether it is classified as Vanilla or D/s.

In answering the question then, i must say NO i do not think D/s is any healthier than Vanilla . It is the people within any relationship that makes it what it is.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 14

RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than &... - 8/23/2006 5:21:41 AM

Tikkiee

Posts: 1099
Joined: 4/6/2006
Status: offline

quote:

Are bdsm relationships "healthier" simply because they might have the capacity to be more "honest", or does this matter if the people involved simply aren't "on the same page"?

Strong healthy relationships of ANY KIND, whether it be vanilla, or BDSM related; ALL the capacity for total honesty if the participants are willing to put into it what it needs to grow and stay strong.
Personally I am of the opinion that if a person can not have a strong, open, honest, long lasting VANILLA relationship, if they can not be honest, and open within it; then they will fail at having one within the BDSM lifesyle. That's just my opinion though.

_____________________________

~~@ cass @~~

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 15

RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than &... - 8/23/2006 5:25:12 AM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

There ain't no safe hiding place. If you are socially handicapped to begin with, don't expect anything to make things better other than yourself getting your own act together.

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 16

RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than &... - 8/23/2006 5:29:54 AM

zenofeller

Posts: 463
Joined: 6/10/2006
Status: offline

isn't it "socially differently abled" ?

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 17

RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than &... - 8/23/2006 5:47:41 AM

spankmepink11

Posts: 1310
Joined: 9/28/2005
Status: offline

In my opinion, the dynamic of a relationship has nothing to do with the health of that relationship. As others have posted, it is up to the people involved , regardless of their orientation, to make a relationship healthy.

I also feel that many people, of all orientations, are more likely to choose to stay in unhealthy relationships rather than being alone.

(in reply to Tikkiee)

Post #: 18

RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than &... - 8/23/2006 6:06:12 AM

WhipTheHip

Posts: 1004
Joined: 7/31/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

I am wondering this because I've read many times on this board how some people think a bdsm relationship is more "honest" than others they've had. I can see where this might be true, because "roles" might be more concretely defined, and "expectations" are maybe clearly stated in advance, etc. - and this certainly isn't the case in many "vanilla" relationships, I imagine (although then again - maybe it is, I don't know).

I also seem to read many posts where someone has really almost destroyed someone else with their misbehavior within a bdsm relationship, and one person (or both), have been so completely emotionally vulnerable within it, that this has left them seemingly devastated (maybe because it is a bdsm relationship, where emotions can be laid more "bare" than in some others - least I think that potential is certainly there for that to happen, than in some "vanilla" relationships).

So - I am left thinking that - simply because a bdsm relationship might contain more clearly defined roles, or more clearly stated expectations than a vanilla relationship, that if you're in one with someone who has "issues", or perhaps is simply not seeking what another person might be looking for, that a relationship is not necessarily any more ill-fated, or likewise, suited for happiness, than any non-bdsm relationship.

Any thoughts?
Are bdsm relationships "healthier" simply because they might have the capacity to be more "honest", or does this matter if the people involved simply aren't "on the same page"?

Thanks for the replies.

All BDSM relationships are not healthier than all vanialla" relationships. It is hard to know whether or not they are better on average. BDSM relationships are usaully primarily built around sexual compatibility, other relationships are sometimes build around other things. Vanilla relationshps are often built around honesty just like many bdsm relationships.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 19

RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than &... - 8/23/2006 6:11:47 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

I don't believe that one is healther over the other there are just too many variables. I think it boils down to the people involved and how they get along whether they be vanilla or not. Too many times I've heard BDSM relationships are deeper, more meaningful, more spiritual. I can't say that I believe that. Perhaps communication is better, or rather, it SHOULD be, but thats not always a given.

~Lashra and slutjack

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 3 4 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla"

Page: [1] 2 3 4 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094