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Throwing In the Towel - 8/23/2006 4:02:45 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline 		I'm curious to learn how you've combatted the desire to walk away from the lifestyle. For those that did and returned, what inspired you to try again? If you muddled through and remained, what kept you focused? In all instances I would appreciate any advice or suggestions that you might provide. Thank you in advance.

porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Throwing In the Towel - 8/23/2006 4:10:11 PM   
bluerskies


Posts: 5
Joined: 10/14/2005
Status: offline 		I saw this post--and I had to reply. I'm prepared to do that very thing myself, Walk away that is--in fact I've already started looking for someone else. He isn't my dom anymore, I moved from a diffrent state to be with him, now he's lazy and depressed all the time. He won't play with me, in fact he never has. He says he doesn't desire me--but he knew what I looked like before I moved in with him. I feel cheated and wronged---I love him very much though--and other than him not being my Dom and not treating me as his submissive, he is a wonderful man--I don't want to be vanillia, and if I was going to be--I sure in the hell would like to have sex!! I'm confused, and I'm trying to change--but hell, what's to say he won't be happy with something else down the line???

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Throwing In the Towel - 8/23/2006 4:15:25 PM   
Powerman40


Posts: 510
Joined: 7/11/2006
Status: offline 		At this point, I would take care of your own happiness and not worry about his. I wish you luck in what ever you choose to do with the situation.

(in reply to bluerskies)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Throwing In the Towel - 8/23/2006 4:18:29 PM   
sleepingbeauty4u


Posts: 3
Joined: 12/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

I'm curious to learn how you've combatted the desire to walk away from the lifestyle. For those that did and returned, what inspired you to try again? If you muddled through and remained, what kept you focused? In all instances I would appreciate any advice or suggestions that you might provide. Thank you in advance.

porcelaine


porcelaine~
 
i have meditated on this a LOT.  i take breaks when neccessary to refocus my heart and mind; i speak with F/friends who are within in this community and outside of it, yet that know what i an invovled in.  What keeps me going is my desire to not give into those who try to bring me down, and my own desires and soul that belong here.  It's not so much a choice for me as it is a destiny and where i belong.  Their is nothing wrong with taking a break for a few weeks or months, only to return later as long as you learn from that sabatical and grow.  The biggest reason i cannot walk away right now, is because i don't have a reason too; i have F/freinds who keep me here and a very special man who is bringing the slave out in me more deeply than i thought possible. 
 
~beauty

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Throwing In the Towel - 8/23/2006 4:27:06 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		I think your answers will vary depending on where people think they feel they fall relative to the Lifestyle.

For myself, I long ago reconciled that I needed to have some part (or all) of these activities, WIITWD, in my life.  I swore off the vanilla world 15 years ago.  I don't think having that type of relationship would be worth it to me, on any level.

I would rather do without.  I'm not with a partner now, with no easy way of saying I'll have one in the near future.  But I would rather be alone than vanilla and probably miserable in the company of another.

To bluerskies, I can understand that your first or nearly first relationship along these lines is not working, and that you doubt the Lifestyle (or yourself relative to it).  There are many people out there wanting to know you if your devotion to yourself presumes that you belong 'here'.

I once encountered someone who I was soon to meet.  Before I had a chance to meet her, she met someone else who, in one encounter, turned her off of the Lifestyle forever.  But worse, admittedly so, from herself.  She felt she belonged 'here', but could not find it in her heart to get past he first bad experience.  I cannot denounce her, but I can try and show heart to those who choose to stay.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Throwing In the Towel - 8/23/2006 4:28:50 PM   
MDomcpl


Posts: 2
Joined: 2/18/2006
Status: offline 		In my case what other option is there. I am what I am. For all it's faults, this site lets you meet with people of similar interests. I was much harder before the Internet. This lifestyle was considered deviant.

(in reply to sleepingbeauty4u)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Throwing In the Towel - 8/23/2006 4:34:46 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sleepingbeauty4u

porcelaine~
 
i have meditated on this a LOT.  i take breaks when neccessary to refocus my heart and mind; i speak with F/friends who are within in this community and outside of it, yet that know what i an invovled in.  What keeps me going is my desire to not give into those who try to bring me down, and my own desires and soul that belong here.  It's not so much a choice for me as it is a destiny and where i belong.  Their is nothing wrong with taking a break for a few weeks or months, only to return later as long as you learn from that sabatical and grow.  The biggest reason i cannot walk away right now, is because i don't have a reason too; i have F/freinds who keep me here and a very special man who is bringing the slave out in me more deeply than i thought possible. 
 
~beauty


*smiling quietly*

Thank you for the reassuring words. Your sincerity was evident and most appreciated. I wish you the best in your relations.

porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to sleepingbeauty4u)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Throwing In the Towel - 8/23/2006 4:36:53 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mstrjx

I would rather do without.  I'm not with a partner now, with no easy way of saying I'll have one in the near future.  But I would rather be alone than vanilla and probably miserable in the company of another.



It takes a great deal of strength, courage, and discipline to remain true to ourselves. Particularly when other options present themselves that may offer a temporary solution for what we seek. I applaud your willingness to do this. Very few can.

porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to mstrjx)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Throwing In the Towel - 8/23/2006 5:10:45 PM   
liljoy


Posts: 577
Joined: 3/25/2004
Status: offline 		yep i've left or tried to leave a couple of times. it never lasted long. i'm not nilla. i could never go back to nilla and be happy

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Throwing In the Towel - 8/23/2006 5:14:23 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		I left for a while, thought it was time to "settle down" and had a disaster of a vanilla marraige.  Found out the hard way I simply cannot be vanilla. Being dominant is too much a part of my personality, and unless the man I am with can accept that (and I have never yet met a vanilla man that can) it just aint gonna work. I missed the control, I missed the sexual and physical outlets and mostly, I missed the understanding of whos place is what. He believed becaue he was the amn he should be in charge, I couldnt do that.  So, we ended that relationship and I came back to the lifestyle.
As mstrjx said, At this point, Id rather do without a partner than ever try and go vanilla again. I was miserable, and I settled. I know better now.

DV 


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to liljoy)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Throwing In the Towel - 8/23/2006 5:24:19 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		After my relationship with my first Dom ended last winter I considered just going back to vanilla again, joined eharmony (sucks, so don't waste you money peeps). other personals sites... it just felt contrived. The dates I went on felt like I was being interviewed for a job. I knew the reason for this was because I am just not vanilla. I do not want to date someone for months only to find out that they are completely wrong for me sexually speaking. I have been there and done that before.

So I decided to seek again a couple of months later, and I am so glad I did

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Throwing In the Towel - 8/23/2006 5:31:29 PM   
spankmepink11


Posts: 1310
Joined: 9/28/2005
Status: offline 		  I've tried to go back to vanilla dating a couple of times. Not only did i realize that i could never be satisfied in such a relationship, but in them...i seemed to attract men of a submissive  nature.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Throwing In the Towel - 8/23/2006 5:58:46 PM   
Bearlee


Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline 		I can no longer even date vanilla.  I have no interest in spending months and months talking about drivel...I like the directness of the dark side!  I like that, right off the bat, we ask each other "What do you like?  I like this...do you?"  Vanilla folks don't 'do' much of that, it seems...especially sexually.  I'm a sexual being; I think it's really sad to discover after some time that I wasn't sexually compatible with someone.  I will never again even consider being with someone who is not into BDSM.  Regardless of their experience...the interest has to be there.  Once I find it...we can discuss what we have in common elsewhere.  While I do think it's important to have interests outside of BDSM...I just don't want a life without it!
 
I've been 'in the lifestyle' about three years and 'almost' had a D/s relationship last year; my first real Dom.................who turned out to be a lying sack of married crap!  grrrrrrrrrrrr   Still, while I have no partner now, I'd rather have none than go vanilla.  LOL  I think it's true; once ya go to the Dark Side...ya never go back!
 
bearlee

Edited to add:

The hardest part for me is that I want it in my DAILY life.  It seems there are lots and lots of folks who play at it... and just in the bedroom.  Fine for them; but I want a D/s (or M/s) RELATIONSHIP.  I think for many, that's just too big a bite.  <sigh>

< Message edited by Bearlee -- 8/23/2006 6:00:40 PM >

(in reply to spankmepink11)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Throwing In the Towel - 8/23/2006 6:29:26 PM   
chgosubmale


Posts: 34
Joined: 6/9/2004
Status: offline 		As someone who basically gave up on finding a domme - before I discovered communities on the internet! - I discovered to my chagrin that I'm simply not cut out for vanilla.  So while BDSM can involve a frustrating search, it is a sort of damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.  Giving up won't solve any problems - at least it didn't for me.

(in reply to Bearlee)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Throwing In the Towel - 8/23/2006 6:42:01 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Bearlee

The hardest part for me is that I want it in my DAILY life.  It seems there are lots and lots of folks who play at it... and just in the bedroom.  Fine for them; but I want a D/s (or M/s) RELATIONSHIP.  I think for many, that's just too big a bite.  <sigh>


Bearlee,

I think this is called 'I want an owner, not a player'.  Just as you would not be a 'bedroom submissive', you don't want a 'bedroom Dom'.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to Bearlee)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Throwing In the Towel - 8/23/2006 6:49:55 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Bearlee

The hardest part for me is that I want it in my DAILY life.  It seems there are lots and lots of folks who play at it... and just in the bedroom.  Fine for them; but I want a D/s (or M/s) RELATIONSHIP.  I think for many, that's just too big a bite.  <sigh>


There are just as many that say they want this, but the reality of what that means is often eye opening and for a few far too real. I liken this to wishing on a star, but failing to prepare should the thing you desire come knocking. I've encountered this myself more than once.

porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to Bearlee)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Throwing In the Towel - 8/23/2006 6:57:32 PM   
ragazza


Posts: 7
Joined: 8/18/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

I'm curious to learn how you've combatted the desire to walk away from the lifestyle. For those that did and returned, what inspired you to try again? If you muddled through and remained, what kept you focused? In all instances I would appreciate any advice or suggestions that you might provide. Thank you in advance.

porcelaine


I have walked away many times and for many different reasons.  I always come back, this is who I am and what I do.  I guess for me it is just being honest with myself and knowing that nothing else will do for me what D/s has done. 

Even after the heartbreak.

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Throwing In the Towel - 8/23/2006 6:59:32 PM   
Cloudz


Posts: 836
Joined: 9/13/2005
Status: offline 		I've thrown in the towel a time or two. What brings me back...this is my passion, and I cannot live without it. I would rather search in this realm, and become frustrated...then search in the vanilla world, where there is no chance of quenching my passion.

_____________________________

Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."


(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Throwing In the Towel - 8/23/2006 7:02:05 PM   
TNstepsout


Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		I've barely gotten started and I've considered throwing in the towel a number of times. It was all so confusing and difficult to figure out where I fit in and at times pretty frightening. I kept coming back because I was just so fascinated by the people and the possibilities. I like people who think differently and view the world differently and I've met quite a few of those in a very short time. Going back to vanilla? I'm not sure what that means. I just know I'm drawn to interesting people, and if this is where I find them I'm going to stick around whether I get any action or not.

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Throwing In the Towel - 8/23/2006 7:26:07 PM   
Hercuckslave


Posts: 103
Joined: 5/21/2006
Status: offline 		i always have to roll my eyes when people tell me they are leaving the lifestyle and "going vanilla".  you CAN'T go vanilla if you are not.  it is like a gay man saying, i'm not going to be gay anymore...i've decided that i'm going to be straight now.

we are wired the way we are wired.  we can try to suppress our natures and never be fulfilled, or we can choose to accept who and what we are and try to find suitable people to surround ourselves with.

my 3 cents worth. (inflation)

M's m

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 20
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