Question about being outed at work

Question about being outed at work (Full Version)

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sSweetAnnSauer -> Question about being outed at work (8/25/2006 9:36:56 AM)
I just started a new job. On the very first day, I recognized someone from the local BDSM club. I'm pretty sure he recognized me as well. Ordinarily, that wouldn't be a problem, but he is a direct suboordinant. I am much more active in the lifestyle than he and much more high profile in the workspace than he. He seems like a nice young man and it goes without saying that I would never out him, that's not even a question. The issue is this: I feel a bit nervous looking up and knowing he knows and that it would only take one little comment on his part to ruin this career path and possibly bring reporters to my doorstep. I was already a part of the BDSM community prior to getting this position, so it's not like I can take back being out there.

darkinshadows -> RE: Question about being outed at work (8/25/2006 9:40:07 AM)
Why not ask him for a coffee or take him aside or request a private word? Bring your concerns out into the open with him and see how he feels. He may be thinking the exact same things about you and may have concerns you will out him. You could have a good chat, clear the air and agree to keep each others private lives just that - private. Peace and Rapture

mistoferin -> RE: Question about being outed at work (8/25/2006 9:40:47 AM)
With all due respect, his risk of being outed by you is the same as yours. Even if your position is higher he probably doesn't view it as any more important than his own in terms of how being outed would affect his life.

Owned1 -> RE: Question about being outed at work (8/25/2006 9:40:55 AM)
I do not know what your position is however just remember if he outs you he also outs himself. If you are able perhaps you could talk to him privately? Myself I would probably simply let sleeping dogs lie. If nothing happens you dont have to worry. Do not let this worry you too much. It is one of those what ifs that may never happen. Owned

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Question about being outed at work (8/25/2006 9:45:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sSweetAnnSauer I just started a new job. On the very first day, I recognized someone from the local BDSM club. I'm pretty sure he recognized me as well. Ordinarily, that wouldn't be a problem, but he is a direct suboordinant. I am much more active in the lifestyle than he and much more high profile in the workspace than he. He seems like a nice young man and it goes without saying that I would never out him, that's not even a question. The issue is this: I feel a bit nervous looking up and knowing he knows and that it would only take one little comment on his part to ruin this career path and possibly bring reporters to my doorstep. I was already a part of the BDSM community prior to getting this position, so it's not like I can take back being out there. I say do nothing. You knew this was a risk you took when getting into the public bdsm community. But plan for yourself- make sure your work record is great, practice in case any comment IS made from him how you can easily blow it off and get things back on track. If you talk to him, do it in a bdsm environment, not a work environment and just laugh about how funny life is, assure him that of course you wouldn't say anything just as you know he wouldn't and move on.

DoctorDubious -> RE: Question about being outed at work (8/25/2006 9:52:59 AM)
My bias is for communication. Talk to the young dude ... and listen to him... in an appropriate place.... sooner rather than later. DD

MrDiscipline44 -> RE: Question about being outed at work (8/25/2006 10:07:28 AM)
I say do nothing as well. Confronting him is just that, confrontation. You'll put him on the defensive and things will just spiral out of control from there. And for no real reason other then you're insecurity. If he says anything then talk to him and tell him your concerns but the truth is if it ain't broke, don't try to fix it. You may only end up doing more harm.

mnottertail -> RE: Question about being outed at work (8/25/2006 10:11:39 AM)
this is like being married and fooling around, you have equal amounts to lose. 'Cause-- how do he know? If you develop freindly relations at work or outside of work who cares? He is prolly a little freaked as well, fuck 'em all for both of you, never let them see you sweat, darlin'. Ron

TheMightyBitch -> RE: Question about being outed at work (8/25/2006 10:14:53 AM)
don't stir the pot

thetammyjo -> RE: Question about being outed at work (8/25/2006 10:44:03 AM)
I agree with some folks -- his risk of being outed is the same as yours so it is very unlikely he'll say anything. In fact, if he ever tried to talk to you about BDSM matters at work, make it clear that work is for work. Chat away all you want at BDSM events but too often (in my not too humble opinion) people at work create false friendships and closeness by discussing matters which have no place at work. You can be "out" even and not talk about stuff at work that isn't appropriate. Just don't go out of your way to hide and just don't bring up or discuss things that aren't relevant.

maybemaybenot -> RE: Question about being outed at work (8/25/2006 10:53:14 AM)
I was at the Fetish Fea in Mansfield, Ma this year where I ran into a co worker of mine. Neither of us are " out" at our workplace. We saw each other, smiled and said hello and continued on our way. Neither she nor I have ever brought the topic up at work or mentioned seeing each other. Obviously, I am in agreement with the other posters who advise saying nothing. I have a higher position than my co worker and have absolutely no fears she will " out me ". When I am at work, I am working. My focus is on my job, not who does what, when where and with whom. Hopefully your co worker is the same. mbmbn

LeatherBentOne -> RE: Question about being outed at work (8/25/2006 11:39:25 AM)
I agree with LA 100%.

Sunshine119 -> RE: Question about being outed at work (8/25/2006 11:51:23 AM)
I think what is being missed is the power differential in your positions. You say he is a subordinate. Do you directly supervise him? If so, would he "out" you if you had to give him a warning or a negative review? I answer only to the Board of Trustees around here, but, one thing I have learned is never to make "friends" with my subordinates. I keep all my personal life outside of the work arena. In this situation, your outside situation is now inside. Ethically, if he doesn't do his job, you have certain responsibilities. Can you do them without worrying about his "response"? My advices is to act as if you don't know each other, treat him like all of your other employees, don't bring up anything related to any BDSM or sexual topics (could be interpreted to be sexual harrassment) AND create a handy joke or sour grapes defense to use if things get out of control. Of course, if it does get out and you are not promoted or worse, fired over your involvement, you do know that is grounds for a lawsuit on sexual discrimination. Doesn't help much when you are collecting unemployment and looking for another job, but it is the law. Sunshine

littlesarbonn -> RE: Question about being outed at work (8/25/2006 12:29:01 PM)
I ran into this problem a few years ago with one of my students. I was teaching an international politics course, and one of my students was one of those girls that loves to google everyone under the sun. So, she sent me an email immediately after she did this stating something along the lines of "I see we have something in common." And that was it. I knew what she had found and said nothing further about it because it wasn't appropriate for me to be discussing my personal life with a student. Any attempt for me to do so would have been at my intervention, meaning that the next move was essentially mine. So, I did what a lot of people in this thread suggested: Nothing. That was a HUGE mistake. She made it a personal mission to make sure every girl in the class (plus any guy, I guess, as well) knew about my "disgusting" lifestyle. When it came to lecturing, there were always girls in the back of the room snickering, although I could never tell why, although I suspected. When it came time for professor reviews by the students, no less than five of the students listed my "subversive, disgusting" lifestyle as a reason they indicated they didn't feel their grades were good enough, one of them stating that after she found out I was into S&M (which is not one of the things that she actually came across...what she had come across was a response to a message on one of the boards where I stated that even in a bdsm relationship, loyalty to one's partner is of importance), she indicated that she didn't feel "safe" going to my office (shared always with at least three teachers). Surprisingly, it didn't make the impact she wanted as the chairman of my department was not out of the loop about those years of my past (I've never hid it...I just never took the effort to discuss it). So nothing bad happened to me, but it sure could have had I not been out as much as I tended to be., It still could be a problem as I'm in a new teaching/educational environment today.

thetammyjo -> RE: Question about being outed at work (8/25/2006 12:58:52 PM)
littesarbonn, a few years ago I had a student (male) who tried a similar thing with me but I did comment when he first brought it up. I said "yeah, that's my personal life, this is my teaching career, just like you have a personal life and you are also a student; we shouldn't let our personal lives interfer with our academic ones, should we?" which wasn't a question but a statement. He didn't try anything after that and if he did tell others they never showed it by what they did or said on their evaluations. He didn't get the grade he wanted in the class so I told him he had the right to show his paper (his worst) grade to the professor (I was an assistant) and the professor graded it down cause its his period of specialization and he thought I was 1/3 grade too kind. I don't hide what I do so even when a tenured professor tried to use my kink against me a few years ago the entire department sided with me ("TammyJo is an excellent instructor and a great student, her personal life is private") so she ended up retiring earlier. I find that just being myself and not hiding solves so many problems.

Steelriven -> RE: Question about being outed at work (8/25/2006 2:15:02 PM)
I'd leave it... If you end up running into each other at an event then maybe I'd say something. Like give a smile and simple wave. My high school drama teacher is a domminant. I didn't find out until I was twenty-three. We sometimes run across each other, give a smile and a wave.

MrDiscipline44 -> RE: Question about being outed at work (8/25/2006 5:09:53 PM)
The difference between your situation, sabronn, and sweetanns situation is the student confronted you. This co-worker hasn't confronted sweetann. When you were confronted, yes you should've acted. Since sweetann hasn't been confronted she could actually do more harm then good

LotusSong -> RE: Question about being outed at work (8/25/2006 5:14:27 PM)
"Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is published around the world - even if what is published is not true."- Richard Bach "Illusions" pg 48 -hardback

ToyGuyforU -> RE: Question about being outed at work (8/25/2006 6:02:29 PM)
You gotta pay the band if you wanna dance....

FangsNfeet -> RE: Question about being outed at work (8/25/2006 10:37:54 PM)
How can he out you? How much proof does he have other than spreading rumors about you? Anything and everything can be denied. This included pictures. After all, it's a common practice for people to cut and paste. If he wants war, give the boy a kick in the nutts. Also, think this thought. How can he rat you out without ratting on himself? After all, there has to be a reason for him to know what you do on your personal time. Never go down without taking your opponent with you.

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