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When the "thrill" is gone - 8/25/2006 10:54:15 AM   
sleazybutterfly


Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline 		Please try to be a bit patient reading this, I am kind of sorting thru my thoughts as I write it, so it might seem a bit jumbled at times.
 
When I first started in bdsm, I was very submissive, probably even more "slave-like".  Over this period, I have had a few Doms and one Owner.  Those were not the best experiences, but I took my lessons with me and have tried to not repeat the same mistakes over.  
 
Now, I find that I can't bring myself to submit in the same way anymore.  I do not know if this change would have came about if I hadn't had the problems I did or not.  I used to want a lot of control taken, I did this with a happy heart, and all I wanted to do was please.  If I were told "that I don't want you talking to other men" I would think it was sweet that someone cared enough to want me to themselves.   
 
I used to find so much joy in belonging to someone, in having them guide my life.  Now, I feel more resentment, or a rebellion in it.  I am so frustrated by this.  I want that part of me back, that part that had excitment and joy being in the presence of my Dom. 
 
Is that part of me gone for good?  Would the "right" Dom be able to bring that out in me again?  If I don't feel that pleasure in it, is he the wrong one for me, or will it just take time to develop?
 
I know it's hard to understand, but I miss it so much.  I am finding my more dominant personality coming out and when it's dismissed, I don't have the same satisfaction anymore.  Does this mean I am no longer a sub?
 
Has anyone else had this..where they felt like everything they once knew and loved about something... just sort of vanished? 
 
I just miss that "sub/slave" part of me, and I want it back.  How can I figure out some way to move on past all of the bad relationships and submit to a Sir the same way again?  Maybe I am just not meeting the right Doms, or maybe it's me.  I just don't know anymore.
 
What I seem to run into, are ones that want too much control (no privacy at all), or the ones that just want a bit, but they won't usually give me the type of Domination in bed that I need (pain,slapping,etc).  I feel like I am going to have to settle for one or the other, and that would probably be the more controlling, because I need the total bedroom Dominant.

 
Ick!  If you even made it thru that, after I have sat and read it myself, thank you.  I think there are actually a couple of different subjects rolled under one heading, I am sorry about that.  Please just answer what you can make sense out of, and let the other just vanish into the abyss.
 
Thank you,  ahead of time.

_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.
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RE: When the "thrill" is gone - 8/25/2006 11:06:04 AM   
Estring


Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		 The last thing you need is another Dom at this time. You are probably angry and frustrated. Neither emotion is conducive to submission.  You need to take some time to be with yourself. Find out why you have had such bad luck with relationships before you pursue another.

_____________________________

Boycott Whales!

(in reply to sleazybutterfly)
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RE: When the "thrill" is gone - 8/25/2006 11:18:51 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		You should read this thread:
http://www.collarchat.com/m_551718/mpage_2/key_happyland/tm.htm#552673
Throwing in the Towel

I think your problem is that you've got life insecurities and bad judgement.  I think your mistakes have caught up with you and you're going through the very difficult process of either getting your act together and doing right for yourself, or once again going through the cycle you've always put yourself through.

So instead of thinking about the next relationship, or being in the scene or not- start focusing on getting a happy home for yourself, serious financial stability and future investments and becoming truly aware of the world around you.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to sleazybutterfly)
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RE: When the "thrill" is gone - 8/25/2006 11:20:19 AM   
sleazybutterfly


Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline 		I agree, and I am doing that.  I think that is why I am asking myself these questions, I am taking this time to sort out a lot. 
 
I am not angry though, not even close, though many would say I should be.  I think maybe..hmm.. disillusioned is more the word.
 
I just want the "old me" back, but I think she is pretty much gone for good.  That is what I am trying to find out, can I go back again.

_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

(in reply to Estring)
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RE: When the "thrill" is gone - 8/25/2006 11:22:02 AM   
LeatherBentOne


Posts: 469
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline 		sleazybutterfly,

Youre angry and frustrated.  Take time to nurture yourself.  Once your emotions settle down, youll be able to focus and hone into your needs.  This may take quite some time, but dont rush the process or confuse it by being with another Dom.  Actually, you might even consider celibacy during this time to do some heavy duty soul searching. 

Although, you mention you miss your submissiveness, it seems your top space is taking over.  Perhaps this is just part of a natural defense mechanism and as you delve into yourself you may find your way back to trusting again.  If you find yourself leaning toward the direction of Dominance, let your nature take it's course. 

Remember, there is no right or wrong way.  You know what feels right for you better than anyone else.  Life is a process and Ive seen many people go through a number of transitions while walking down the path.  Ive even seen some go full circle.  So, sit back, take a breather, do some thinking, and let nature take its course.  You'll know when youre ready to become active again and in what capacity, once the anger and hurt are resolved and you find your place on your journey, again. 

The best for you,
LeatherBentOne

(in reply to Estring)
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RE: When the "thrill" is gone - 8/25/2006 11:22:38 AM   
sleazybutterfly


Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

You should read this thread:
http://www.collarchat.com/m_551718/mpage_2/key_happyland/tm.htm#552673
Throwing in the Towel

I think your problem is that you've got life insecurities and bad judgement.  I think your mistakes have caught up with you and you're going through the very difficult process of either getting your act together and doing right for yourself, or once again going through the cycle you've always put yourself through.

So instead of thinking about the next relationship, or being in the scene or not- start focusing on getting a happy home for yourself, serious financial stability and future investments and becoming truly aware of the world around you.


Point very well taken, and not argued with. 
 
I know.. don't faint.
 
 

_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: When the "thrill" is gone - 8/25/2006 11:26:08 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		I agree with the previous advice and about the approach you are taking to be yourself and figure yourself out.

But it is also true that all of us change over time. Some even change their Ds orientation or their SM orientation. When that happens, if it happens, it must be natural to feel a sense of loss too for how things were before. Maybe you can regain that feeling with another person or maybe you've changed.

There is nothing wrong with either and feeling a loss or disillusioned is totally normal.

I do know this from my experiences and from folks I personally know. Often the best relationships come to us when we aren't looking and we aren't thinking about having a new one but when we are feeling comfortable and happy with ourselves.

Sometimes in that process things feel worse before they feel better or more confusing before the clarity arrives.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to sleazybutterfly)
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RE: When the "thrill" is gone - 8/25/2006 11:29:33 AM   
darkinshadows


Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline
Hello Andrea.
 
I would suggest not focusing on on relationships and not to focus on submitting to someone.  Submit to yourself first - that may sound a bit strange, but until you can, you cannot do it for someone else.
 
I have been in your position Andrea, when you just cannot understand where you are anymore, let alone what you are.  It does improve.
 
Other than that, I agree with Em.
 
Peace and Rapture
 


_____________________________
.dark.



...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to sleazybutterfly)
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RE: When the "thrill" is gone - 8/25/2006 11:29:34 AM   
sleazybutterfly


Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LeatherBentOne

sleazybutterfly,

Youre angry and frustrated.  Take time to nurture yourself.  Once your emotions settle down, youll be able to focus and hone into your needs.  This may take quite some time, but dont rush the process or confuse it by being with another Dom.  Actually, you might even consider celibacy during this time to do some heavy duty soul searching. 

Although, you mention you miss your submissiveness, it seems your top space is taking over.  Perhaps this is just part of a natural defense mechanism and as you delve into yourself you may find your way back to trusting again.  If you find yourself leaning toward the direction of Dominance, let your nature take it's course. 

Remember, there is no right or wrong way.  You know what feels right for you better than anyone else.  Life is a process and Ive seen many people go through a number of transitions while walking down the path.  Ive even seen some go full circle.  So, sit back, take a breather, do some thinking, and let nature take its course.  You'll know when youre ready to become active again and in what capacity, once the anger and hurt are resolved and you find your place on your journey, again. 

The best for you,
LeatherBentOne


I think this might also be something that is going on.  I have found more of this part coming out, and Doms don't really seem to be that fond of it...lol.
 
I am celibate actually, though it's not the most joyful thing I have done.  I do think it makes me think things thru a bit more, though I hate admitting it. 
 
I don't feel angry, maybe I should, I would feel better afterward.  I am not really out looking though, I mean.. my profile is shut off, so me meeting someone is not likely. 
 
Frustrated, yes.. that I might be a term I could use.  Moreso with myself and the fact that I let myself think about this stuff as much as I do.
 
 
Thank you all for your answers so far..

_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

(in reply to LeatherBentOne)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: When the "thrill" is gone - 8/25/2006 11:32:24 AM   
Voltare


Posts: 841
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Santiago, Chile
Status: offline 		Andrea,

Hate to say this, but you're probably expecting it. Yes, frustration with the lifestyle is normal, and natural.  Maybe a bit of advice to help?

Instead of focusing on if the man is the right 'Dom' for you, try approaching it from making sure he's the right 'man' for you.  Focusing on things that are intimate, personal, and mutually satisfying (movies, music, walks on the beach, camping, holding hands and talking for example) are a good place to start.  Maybe you're active, and love rock climbing, hang gliding, skydiving, SCUBA, or travelling?  Find someone who loves those things.  Whatever it is that makes your heart pound and blood boil outside the bedroom, and outside of the collar is what will make the bedroom and collar satisfying for you.  Once you find a man who you REALLY connect with, I think you might find that the rest of the pieces will fall into place.  Instead of exchanging checklists on the first couple emails (from someone on this site, for example) exchange ideas of a perfect vanilla date.  Write about your favorite memory as a child. 

I'm not trying to minimize the Ds or BDSM elements - believe me, I know how vital they are.  I'm just pointing out that Ds is a way for the relationship to work - it's not a substitute for a relationship, though.  Have a full life, and the Ds will fall into place.

Stephan


_____________________________

http://www.vv3b.com/

"There is always some madness in love, but there is always some reason in madness." - F. Nietzsche

(in reply to sleazybutterfly)
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RE: When the "thrill" is gone - 8/25/2006 11:38:51 AM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		Hi,
I think all of us sub's at one time or another feel some level of disconnection of our desire to submit.
In time who you are will come back to where you were before the war of your last relationship stole your glory. Sort through your feelings, dreams, desires and goals during this unowned time. You really can't put an answer on if you'll regain it on your own or some guy will stand before you and wake it all back up. It could be either.

I also want to remind you sub does not equal doormat. If the last guy telling you you had to be one without a voice, rights, choices or opionions in anythings is affecting you to the point you don't feel submissive, reevaluate that. I am a very strong, opinionated, confident, independant woman by nature. I instantly change a lot of those traits when I'm with someone I submit to. Submitting to one does not mean you have to be meak to all or that you have to be disrespected and take that.
I think what you're feeling as dominance coming out of you may be deep seated anger and hostility you're feeling due to your last relationship.

Overall my advice is breathe, clear your mind of his influences that are whispering negative things in your ears, clear your heart of the anger and resentment about the war you survived and keep an open mind. When the right situations presents itself to you you'll feel it and respond with what's really inside your desires.

There are as many ways to be a submissive as there are submissives trying to be. Cut out all the outside stimulation and imput and you'll figure things out faster. Be what you think is real even if no one else agrees with your path.
Suzanne

(in reply to sleazybutterfly)
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RE: When the "thrill" is gone - 8/25/2006 11:41:53 AM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		I don't understand.
Is this a lack of "Communication" (There's that word again!) between you and your Dom?
Is it you, changing?

(in reply to sleazybutterfly)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: When the "thrill" is gone - 8/25/2006 11:49:33 AM   
BlueHnS


Posts: 166
Joined: 9/5/2005
Status: offline 		My reference for this situation comes from the opposite side.  One of my boys is a switch. One morning about a year ago he told me he’d “lost” his submissive drive. Fortunately for us we’ve a very strong foundation.
He to missed his submissive side and was unsure about what to do. I was there for him as much as possible, as each of us has other obligations.  On occasion, we would have discussions and he would tell me “It’s just gone”. 
 
I would like to say I never pushed but I don’t know if that’s true. I do know that life has a way of sorting things out. About 2 months ago he “rediscovered” his submissive side, and we’re back to our old fun and games.
 
I’ll offer you the same advice I gave him. 
Don’t try to force something that is not there.
Don’t obsess that things are not as they were.
In addition
Focus more on being comfortable in self, then worrying about finding the right Dom at this point.
And finally… Don’t settle.
 
I hope that this in some way helps.
 
 
 
 
 
 

(in reply to sleazybutterfly)
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RE: When the "thrill" is gone - 8/25/2006 2:34:36 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		It may be a matter of perspective, but I wouldn't find being told * I don't want you talking to other men* a sweet gesture at all. That possibly is an age/stage thing, though. I wouldn't want a whole gender being *off limits*.

When *I* first knew about bdsm I *thought* I was submissive ......I'm not, though........It doesn't actually matter *what* I am...... and that was the most significant thing that I discovered......what mattered the most was what HE was.

He can control me, submissive or not and that is what matters to me. He doesn't NEED me to be a *submissive* he requires me to be just whatever I am, do the best I can, make at least a fair effort.

Do you miss the slave/sub part of you .........or are you missing *someone* to *give* to or belong to.?

Regards, agirl



(in reply to sleazybutterfly)
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RE: When the "thrill" is gone - 8/25/2006 3:11:52 PM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline

Is recalibrating such a bad thing? Sounds like you have new and interesting things to discover.


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RE: When the "thrill" is gone - 8/25/2006 3:15:49 PM   
WhiteRadiance


Posts: 247
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		Andrea:
 
I understand how you feel.. but of course I am on the opposite side of the spectrum.  Sometimes I don't feel very dominant. Sometimes, I want to be held and petted and told everything will be ok.  This is because I am human.
 
What you must remember is to be true to who you are as a person.  If you do not feel like being submissive, then explore it.. Changes are uncomfortable, because they are not familiar, but sometimes we need a change.
 
No one is 100% dom or sub.   
 
All the advice you have been given is excellent.  I do know what works for me is setting aside some time for the part of me that is dominant, and during that time- I am "on" 100%..(AND I LOVE IT)  and if I am at work, doing research, planning an event, hiking, writing, or whatever, I have time for those parts of myself too. 
 
You are not just a sub, after all!  You are Andrea.  :)

_____________________________

Staci

The drop of rain makes a hole in a stone not by violence, but by often falling.



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RE: When the "thrill" is gone - 8/25/2006 10:54:41 PM   
WhipTheHip


Posts: 1004
Joined: 7/31/2006
Status: offline 		My opinion is that you like being a bottom more than being submissive
and you've been with guys who are too dominant and controling.  Too
much of anything can lead to getting sick of it.   When people take
advantage of your submissiveness, you grow weary of being
submissive and of always being super controlled and dominated.
If you've experienced partner who are selfish and self-centered,
they can turn you off to kink.
 
My advice may be self-serving, but if I were you, I would seek
someone who is more into bdsm and less into D/s.  I would seek
someone who is more loving and less into ordering you around.
 
It is a lot easier to be submissive to someone who loves you,
who wants to make you happy, who cares about your pleasure,
than someone who just thinks about their own needs. 
 
This is just my personal opinion.

(in reply to sleazybutterfly)
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RE: When the "thrill" is gone - 8/26/2006 3:58:15 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

I just want the "old me" back, but I think she is pretty much gone for good.  That is what I am trying to find out, can I go back again.


And if she is gone, I don't think that's a bad thing.  Look at what you've been through recently.  This is your opportunity to build a new you.  A stronger you.  Take this time to learn some things about you.  Enrich yourself with involvements (not a relationship) - a new hobby or plan of self-improvement.  So you don't always feel submissive, that's not a problem.  As long as you feel submissive to the person whom you (eventually) submit to, that's all that matters here.  Each relationship is different.  Don't search for "old" when you can learn to enjoy the "new".


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to WhipTheHip)
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RE: When the "thrill" is gone - 8/26/2006 4:53:55 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		Katy's right...well, I think she is.  So what if the "old" you is gone?  Build a new you...a stronger you...that's always good.  You have been through a lot.  Time to reflect, sit back and make friends with yourself again.  And it sounds like that is what you are doing.  Andrea, if you like yourself, then you show that side to others.  Don't worry that the old you is gone...people change...that's life. 

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: When the "thrill" is gone - 8/26/2006 5:07:42 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		I believe that as we go through experiences in life we are changed by it. I am not the same person I was yesterday and today I am not the same person I will be tomorrow. That's called growth. You have had major dysfunction and upheaval in your life. You have a history, as LA said, of making some really bad judgements. Those are not things that change overnight....or in a month or two. Take the time you need to really figure out who you are and what you want out of life and relationships. Take ALL the time....even if it is a year or two. Being partnerless isn't the end of the world. Being partnerless provides us with the opportunity to learn about ourselves. I'm not saying you have to lock yourself in a room. Date...have fun....but do so casually and don't allow yourself to get into a situation where your emotions or hormones are running the show. In my opinion, pursuing a relationship at this time, before you have done all of the necessary work....would only set yourself and that relationship up for failure.

< Message edited by mistoferin -- 8/26/2006 5:08:23 AM >

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

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