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RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/26/2006 12:49:00 AM

abytchgoddess4u

Posts: 268
Joined: 10/17/2004
Status: offline

My two cents?

Major abandonment issues and codependency along with fear of rejection. You said, "Why would I do this when I've wanted it so bad and for so long?" Because, as deep as you can possibly go inside yourself, you feel you don't deserve it. But you do...you deserve to be loved. And if he is trying...really trying, not just giving lip service, you can't believe you're worth it. You'll "make" him leave, b/c he was just going to eventually anyway...

You asked how to stop, how to change? Work, hardass work.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0894864025/104-2666646-6174366?v=glance&n=283155

That was the book that broke my cycle...:)

But, in reality...any book/program/support group/counseling/etc. WILL work, if you actually DO the work. Just pick a random one at the bookstore, I'm sure you'll do great...not for him, but for yourself.

_____________________________

"Everything in the Universe Is within you.
Ask all from yourself." Rumi

"The world will know and understand me someday. But if that day does not arrive, it does not greatly matter. I shall have opened the way for other women."
George Sand

(in reply to ChelseaSalome)

Post #: 21

RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/26/2006 12:53:07 AM

abytchgoddess4u

Posts: 268
Joined: 10/17/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Davidwr
The Master or Dom must be in absolute control of himself and his little corner of the world. The only way he achieves this is by submitting to the discipline of work and the "superiors" [people or factors] that govern his life. When he himself is in total submission to his own "superiors", he can exercise control over another. Otherwise he cannot. That much is certain.

I call horsepucky!

_____________________________

"Everything in the Universe Is within you.
Ask all from yourself." Rumi

"The world will know and understand me someday. But if that day does not arrive, it does not greatly matter. I shall have opened the way for other women."
George Sand

(in reply to Davidwr)

Post #: 22

RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/26/2006 12:59:20 AM

Steelriven

Posts: 300
Joined: 12/26/2005
Status: offline

Heer! Heer!

I second the call of "horsepucky."

quote:

ORIGINAL: abytchgoddess4u

quote:

ORIGINAL: Davidwr
The Master or Dom must be in absolute control of himself and his little corner of the world. The only way he achieves this is by submitting to the discipline of work and the "superiors" [people or factors] that govern his life. When he himself is in total submission to his own "superiors", he can exercise control over another. Otherwise he cannot. That much is certain.

I call horsepucky!

_____________________________

steelriven who's just a lil_twisted

-Don't asume, instead ask.

(in reply to abytchgoddess4u)

Post #: 23

RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/26/2006 9:03:17 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: abytchgoddess4u

Major abandonment issues and codependency along with fear of rejection. You said, "Why would I do this when I've wanted it so bad and for so long?" Because, as deep as you can possibly go inside yourself, you feel you don't deserve it. But you do...you deserve to be loved. And if he is trying...really trying, not just giving lip service, you can't believe you're worth it. You'll "make" him leave, b/c he was just going to eventually anyway...

i really admire what abytchgoddess has to say.

The way i stopped sabotaging my relationships was to realize i was just hunky-dory fine as frog's hair without a relationship. i would like a relationship, i would be more fulfilled if a relationship but i am the exact same wonderful person all by myself.

When you realize that this guy or that job or some new car or thinner body or whatever it is outside of yourself is NOT what happiness is you are on your way to finding it. Happiness is a CHOICE not an entitlement or lack of entitlement. Sounds easy but once you make your mind up to BE happy, you will.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to abytchgoddess4u)

Post #: 24

RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/26/2006 9:19:50 AM

MrrPete

Posts: 614
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cheekierjess

in my opionion it is simply that you have found the thing you were looking for and now you dont know what to do you act out as maybe somewhere deep inside you dont think you deserve him who knows just my opinion

This is what it sounds like to me. " I don't deserve him, he dersves better, how can I make him go away."
Maybe you need to realize you are worth a good Dom.

edited to add:

The answer is submission. When you are acting out you're not in submission. Commit yourself to submission
when ever the Monster raises his ugly head. Is THAT who you want to submit too. Who is your Dom. It's
up to you to decide who you will serve , your Dom or the monster inside.

I witnessed a very amazing woman demonstrate how she asked for forgiveness one yime when she really wronged her Dominant.

She started from about 10 ft away in a standing position and then went to her knees. nex she put her face to the floor with her arms extended in front palm down. She then "slinked" forward slowly like a big cat first one hand slid forward then the other. Hr face and breasts were in contact with the floor the whole time. What an act of submission.

Whenever that Monster from with in wants out you need to slap him down hard and get submissive.

< Message edited by MrrPete -- 8/26/2006 9:37:36 AM >

_____________________________

Awrabest,

Mr. Pete

Boycott Citgo

(in reply to cheekierjess)

Post #: 25

RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/26/2006 10:27:09 AM

happypervert

Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline

A number of the responses here are actually amateur psychiatric diagnoses. It is hard to tell which is right, but I agree that it appears that you have major issues and you should consider getting treatment from a professional instead of asking us.

< Message edited by happypervert -- 8/26/2006 10:29:01 AM >

(in reply to ChelseaSalome)

Post #: 26

RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/26/2006 10:46:13 AM

ChelseaSalome

Posts: 20
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline

This has been incredibly helpful. Thank you for all the responses. I have gotten something out of each one.

I DO think there is something to the idea that a Dom needs to be in control of His corner of the world and that requires some insight into those forces and responsibilites that require and demand His attention. There is a sort of modelling behavior that I have been looking for in this relationship that has been lacking.

Having said that, nothing about my behavior has been ok, or justified in any way~and I think much of this has to do with my sense of selfworth and value. I've been a crazy woman because I don't think I wanted to acknowledge that there was a fundamental flaw in the relationship that might mean that it couldn't work. I have hated the idea that I would lose *this* and have to go back out into the world again.

So, knowing that I must work on that, I think I have realized, for me, maybe its not too much to want a Dom who calls, most of the time, when He Himself says He will, or shows up, more or less, on time.

Every episode between us started with me feeling horribly disappointed that He hadnt done something He said He would do. So, maybe THAT is the level of insecurity that I can't get past.
I spent a whole lot of time waiting on Him, a whole lot of time.
There was, because of this, a deep sense of shakiness within the relationship that was further fueled by lack of trust. Maybe some of that WAS His responsibilty. He and I often agreed that He didnt have the control over me that He, and I, wanted. I'm not so sure now that He could ever get that.

I might be able to confront lots of my willfulness and control issues, but the "I need you to do what you say you will do when you say you will do it" issue may be too huge to "fix" and maybe I need to just find someone who doesn't trigger that inappropriate reaction in me.

I completed my written punishments and had them couriered over to his apartment this morning. I feel good about that, I feel like I closed the circle and didn't leave anything undone. I don't even, right now, feel that I need to have it acknowledged. I kinda feel that I, at least, was able to do what I said I would do. And, well, I did benefit from the punishment even if I lost the relationship.

Actually, I am beginning to feel relief along with everything else.
Thanks again. You are all really great.

(in reply to MrrPete)

Post #: 27

RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/26/2006 10:47:58 AM

ChelseaSalome

Posts: 20
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline

<<<It is hard to tell which is right, but I agree that it appears that you have major issues and you should consider getting treatment from a professional instead of asking us. >>>> LOL yeah, I don't think there is any question about that!

(in reply to happypervert)

Post #: 28

RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/26/2006 11:13:32 AM

SexyRed

Posts: 529
Joined: 8/19/2004
Status: offline

I don't care if you are Dominant or submissive. Everyone ultimately is in control only of THEMSELVES. And behavior is controlled not by another but YOURSELF. When you recognize your own issues, only then can you work on them. If you take ownership of your issues and not blame others, that is the first step.

In abusive relationships, it is also 50/50 responsibility. You may say that someone is abusing you, but it is half the fault of the one being abused for letting them.

When you know you are reacting in a certain way, there are usually reasons, internal and external to account for the behavior.

To the poster who said find a Dom who controls his world and will therefore control you, I say, nonsense. People control themselves. They choose to give up power and control with the context of a safe and trusting relationship, but the overall behavior is one that you need to control yourself.

< Message edited by SexyRed -- 8/26/2006 11:14:28 AM >

_____________________________

A trucker will slow down for a blonde, stop for a brunette, but back up 500 yards for a redhead!

(in reply to ChelseaSalome)

Post #: 29

RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/26/2006 11:45:09 AM

MissTlTTYMilk

Posts: 142
Joined: 6/17/2006
Status: offline

Pardon me if i repeat any of the above posts.....You state that the reason for your behavior when he does not call in what you say is not within an appropriate time is not mistrust. i suppose only you can answer that for sure as i would assume that might be a common reason for lashing out. Again, you can only control your reaction to whatever stimuli that is "provoking" you (him (not to say is or is not to blame but just a behavior) or your thought process). Assuming that He is entirely innocent of any behavior (again, not necessary his fault) and truly cause by an internal factor entirely. Do you believe he understands your definition of and can legimately call you in what you deem is a "reasonable length of time"? Have you discuss what a reasonable time means with each other, and does his work or personal demands allow for it? i wonder if subconsciously, you feel you are treating him the way you want to be treated as far as frequently calling and that any "slight" on his part intentional or otherwise you perceive as not acceptible or do you view this as a rejection? It is hard to believe you lash out without being provoked by your thoughts or from him. As stated above only you can resolve issues with how your react, but you have to be first and foremost honest with yourself on why you do it. Others have suggested mistrust, an issue of self worth, or are you just impatient with a lack of urgently on his part in returning phone calls? Only you can answer what provokes you.

< Message edited by MissTlTTYMilk -- 8/26/2006 12:04:21 PM >

_____________________________

"I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. "
"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts. "
--Bertrand Russell

(in reply to SexyRed)

Post #: 30

RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/26/2006 11:48:24 AM

babysburnin

Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

Even though you are feeling better and feel that you have some closure, keep in mind that you will bring this behavior to your next relationship if it goes unresolved within yourself.

I appreciate your feelings about dealing with someone who does not do what they say they are going to do ... nothing is more frustrating for me, and it ultimately destroys all trust.

But ... you are responsible for your actions. It boils down to personal limits and being mature about handling the situation when those limits have been crossed. It is your responsibility to rationally address the issue rather than acting out with childish behavior. Your Dom was obviously pushing buttons that really bothered you, to the point you felt powerless, devalued, etc.

I think you should ask yourself why these issues bother you so much. Is it something from your past? Is it as simple as not calling when you say you will is rude and disrespectful? Then, ask yourself why didn't you just say, "this is not acceptable, and I will not be treated this way"? What did you gain from acting out and being irrational other than just "blowing off steam"?

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to ChelseaSalome)

Post #: 31

RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/26/2006 11:57:11 AM

abytchgoddess4u

Posts: 268
Joined: 10/17/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened
The way i stopped sabotaging my relationships was to realize i was just hunky-dory fine as frog's hair without a relationship. i would like a relationship, i would be more fulfilled if a relationship but i am the exact same wonderful person all by myself.

When you realize that this guy or that job or some new car or thinner body or whatever it is outside of yourself is NOT what happiness is you are on your way to finding it. Happiness is a CHOICE not an entitlement or lack of entitlement. Sounds easy but once you make your mind up to BE happy, you will.

Thank you...I agree with you too.:)

But, oddly enough...I stopped sabotaging mine when I realised I was okay "in" a relationship. That I could still be me and not lose myself. Same actions, same effects, different triggers...I love how everyone is different!

Btw, to the OP...

Obviously, none of us is offering absolute advice and you are smart enough to know that if you need help, you'll go to the appropriate venues...:)

Also, I like that you say this...
"I might be able to confront lots of my willfulness and control issues, but the "I need you to do what you say you will do when you say you will do it" issue may be too huge to "fix" and maybe I need to just find someone who doesn't trigger that inappropriate reaction in me."

I agree. If the person you are with is not attemptring to aid you in trusting them, there is no point in being with them. I don't think it's unreasonable to have basic expectations of our partners...I know I expect people to do as they say or explain why not...and I own that behaviour of myself as well.

_____________________________

"Everything in the Universe Is within you.
Ask all from yourself." Rumi

"The world will know and understand me someday. But if that day does not arrive, it does not greatly matter. I shall have opened the way for other women."
George Sand

(in reply to eyesopened)

Post #: 32

RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/26/2006 1:02:10 PM

DivaDuchess

Posts: 402
Joined: 8/17/2006
Status: offline

Ask yourself how ... in love with your Dom you are. If that emotion is involved in a romantic sense, you may just be jealous of any time He spends with anyone else, including phone and in person contact. So ... if He is late calling you, your mind tells you He's with someone else, even if you will not admit that consciously. I had a slave 'in love' with Me several years ago. Conversation and admittance of that on his part went to helping Our/our relationship move along more smoothly. Just My humble suggestion.

_____________________________

Duchess

Courage is not the absence of Fear,
But rather the judgement that,
Something else is more important than Fear.

The Brave may not live forever,
But the Cautious do not live at all.

(in reply to Noah)

Post #: 33

RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/26/2006 2:42:15 PM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

I'll throw in two more cents worth.....

Maybe he has made you feel secure enough in the relationship that you have that you now feel comfortable enough to vent on him some suppressed anger from previous relationships. Subconciously punishing him for the wrongs of others? We always hurt the ones we love.....because we know we can. Because we know they'll forgive us no matter what. But we still beat ourselves up afterwards because we know we shouldn't treat someone we love the way we just did.

Just another theory.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to DivaDuchess)

Post #: 34

RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/26/2006 2:48:54 PM

glisten

Posts: 4
Joined: 8/23/2006
Status: offline

Insecurities bring fears that cause what I call a 'mind failure'. (My own term please don't jump on it)

There could be many reasons for your insecurities, maybe a bad experience in the past with someone you may have trusted to much?

Look at this from a positive angle. This almost relationship brought your insecurities out for you to see. Now look within to see what they are and work on them before looking for a relationship. It is not so bad being alone.

(in reply to ChelseaSalome)

Post #: 35

RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/27/2006 7:24:15 AM

ChelseaSalome

Posts: 20
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline

Thanks again for all the thoughtful and insightful responses. I know at this moment, I could be in serious danger of turning this into His problem, i.e. the calling and being on time stuff. I want to be very careful and clear with myself that REGARDLESS my behavior has to be addressed as do the underlying causes.

Also, I need to recognize that even at the beginning, I chose to pursue this even though I had concerns regarding His trait of chronic lateness. He was late the first time we met! I mean, really late, like over an hour. Now, normally, that would have been completely a deal breaker for me, BUT there was so much else good that I let it go. So, in essense, by letting it go, I made a decision to accept it! I am wondering if by doing that, I can't fault Him for just being the way He has always openly been. It's certainly not as tho we were together for months and months and this part of Him came out suddenly.

So this is all very interesting. I do know that the lateness(in showing up and calling) has been the trigger for all my emotional outbursts. I just don't think I can work that around to being a non issue and I don't think He can change that even if He wanted. Now, it is completely not allowed for me to be even a minute late to the extent that I am expected to be at the restaurant or whatever waiting for him when he is late. Which is ok, I really really don't want it to be accepted that I am ever late. I actually think being late is a sign of complete disrespect in myself and my friends. Hmmm, maybe this is based in some fear that He doesn't respect me.

Any way, He's left a couple of messages that he was pleasantly surprised and pleased to get my envelope. I can't respond to him now, because I am not at all sure how to respond. I just cannot let acceptance of my punishment bring us back to where we were before, waiting for the next episode. I'm not exactly sure how to tell Him that I although I must accept my own "stuff" here, I cannot do this anymore. Nothing has been resolved. I want to be able to convey this to Him clearly but without it turning into any perception that I am blaming Him in any way.

(in reply to glisten)

Post #: 36

RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/27/2006 7:28:49 AM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline

Honey, you are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay overanalyzing this. Do what your heart tells you to. If chronic lateness is a deal breaker, then it is what it is. If you can't accept what is a part of Him, then stop agonizing over it and just call it quits. You did a nice thing. Accept that too. Just tell him what you told us in your last paragraph.

(in reply to ChelseaSalome)

Post #: 37

RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/27/2006 8:32:38 AM

angelic

Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline

"Every episode between us started with me feeling horribly disappointed that He hadnt done something He said He would do. So, maybe THAT is the level of insecurity that I can't get past. "

This comment stood out for me... is it possible that it's NOT all your fault? If his word isn't good (i.e. he consistently says one thing and does another), it sure would make it difficult to trust him, imho.

You seem to be taking the whole relationship on your own shoulders. Doesn't he have some responsibility to call when he says, be there when he says, etc... ~shrugs~ i don't know it just sounds like he has placed all blame on you and none on himself.

~my 1/2 cent~ for what it's worth.

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci

(in reply to bandit25)

Post #: 38

RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/27/2006 8:33:32 AM

LadyJulieAnn

Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: abytchgoddess4u

My two cents?

Major abandonment issues and codependency along with fear of rejection. You said, "Why would I do this when I've wanted it so bad and for so long?" Because, as deep as you can possibly go inside yourself, you feel you don't deserve it. But you do...you deserve to be loved. And if he is trying...really trying, not just giving lip service, you can't believe you're worth it. You'll "make" him leave, b/c he was just going to eventually anyway...

You asked how to stop, how to change? Work, hardass work.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0894864025/104-2666646-6174366?v=glance&n=283155

That was the book that broke my cycle...:)

But, in reality...any book/program/support group/counseling/etc. WILL work, if you actually DO the work. Just pick a random one at the bookstore, I'm sure you'll do great...not for him, but for yourself.

I think you hit the nail on the head right here. I have a vanilla friend who behaves in the same manner, and it's a constant cycle of sabotaging relationships that approach being loving and supportive because she isn't comfortable in them.

Be well,
Julie

(in reply to abytchgoddess4u)

Post #: 39

RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/27/2006 11:05:10 AM

DivaDuchess

Posts: 402
Joined: 8/17/2006
Status: offline

Hmmm ... is he a Dom? Perhaps (and this is off the wall I know *lol*) ... He's using this personality trait to push you. I've used things like ... ignoring Our slaves to not showing up at all. I've done that with my Husband's slave at times ... to see how balanced they were inside themselves. If they become argumentative, like MY time is their choice, that's a deal breaker in many cases, not all cases though. Could he perhaps be using his traits to see how far you will obey in a vanilla type of situation. Not everything in kink is ... kink. There is and MUST be a balance.

Just my thoughts ... as out there as they are at times *s*.

_____________________________

Duchess

Courage is not the absence of Fear,
But rather the judgement that,
Something else is more important than Fear.

The Brave may not live forever,
But the Cautious do not live at all.

(in reply to LadyJulieAnn)

Post #: 40

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