RE: What is my Problem???

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: What is my Problem???

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: What is my Problem???

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/27/2006 6:26:48 PM

subsa

Posts: 196
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

thought i'd mention something else as a possibility... you said

quote:

In the middle of completing a very fair punishment, I acted out again in exactly the same disrespectful, angry, accusatory way. Nasty and horrible.

and

quote:

I would start feeling miserably anxious and that would turn to anger. Serious anger, out of control anger. Totally insane sense of being lost, freefalling and out of control.

you said you've not acted this way in other D/s relationships. i'm not saying that there isn't some underlying problem. but considering your age it could be hormonal. the words you use to describe your behavior fit with an 'estrogen rage' . which is common in peri-menopausal women. perhaps you might discuss it with your dr. just a thought...

(in reply to ChelseaSalome)

Profile

Post #: 41

RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/27/2006 7:17:33 PM

ChelseaSalome

Posts: 20
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline

Thanks for the interesting ideas!~you know, actually, over the last couple of days, close friends have pointed out to me that I have acted out in other relationships in different ways. Not to this extreme, but in constantly challenging authority kind of ways.
So once again, I am brought back to the certainty that while I may not bear all the fault, its still MY REACTIONS and my BS that is the problem here and I gotta continue working on them.

< Message edited by ChelseaSalome -- 8/27/2006 7:38:05 PM >

(in reply to subsa)

Profile

Post #: 42

RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/28/2006 10:59:04 AM

Davidwr

Posts: 15
Joined: 8/25/2006
From: Central Florida
Status: offline

Dear Noah, you are entirely correct. It is the curse of the world that those who truly have no control of themselves are enslaving millions of other people with their neurotic, pathological behavior. I failed to limit my statement in application to the unusual situation [the rare situation] where two people are constructing a D/s or M/s relationship purely for bdsm purposes - the Alternative Lifestyle we here on collarme pursue. The world at large, the mass of humanity, is largely in the state you describe: millions enslaved by the neuroses of others. It is so widely true that people addicted to some behavior or substance is "controlling" others - many times whole extended families and all their friends - that it is like saying the sun rises in the east.
My reply to Chelsea - perhaps not clear - was specific to her situation and her particular "dom" relationship. But the biblical reference was bona fide: When Christ heard the Centurion's words, He exclaimed: "Nowehere in all Judea have I found someone with such Faith!" In that case, the Centurion's faith was based upon the fact that he understood levels of authority and that they exist in a genuinely spiritual way. What he knew of Christ was that Christ obeyed God's law and therefore possessed the God-like Power to cure the Centurion's servant by "just saying the word".   Step aside for the moment from the fact that humanity has become a mess where the "inmates" are clearly running the "nuthouse" and envision the levels of power in the Roman armies: So long as the Centurion obeys - without question - the orders of his superiors, he can exercise authority over the men under him. What would happen if his men saw that their Centution didn't obey the authorities over him? Obviously, they wouldn't obey him either: if you've spent time in any military service, this would be obvious - and it occurs all the time.
Unfortunately, the world is in the mess you describe: addicts controlling non-addicts, family, friends, lovers, on and on.   We have even put people in control in political offices who haven't got any significant degree of personal self-control at all: I've seen dozens of them arrested for criminal use of their offices.
Confining ourselves strictly to bdsm relationships where one party is supposed to be in control and another submissive, I use the adverb "entirely" in the sense that all of the "relevant" details [in the life of the person in "control"] like his or her financial affairs, matters relating to personal security, to home and property, family and friendships are in a good, stable, settled or well-planned state. He may be a smoker - an addiction but not especially relevant to the bdsm relationship. He may be a poor housekeeper, but that's not especially relevant. In my case, my boat is up on blocks and needs one new engine and a new water pump on the other. I consider it "out of control" right now because it's not seaworthy, but it isn't relevant to any bdsm relationship I have. And I have a plan for it's "refitting" this winter.
But my financial affairs, my home, my personal security, my family'e circumstances are "entirely" under control. Also, I exercise enough discipline over myself to be of value to my clients, trustworthy to my friends and dependents, and many people trust me with their affairs and seek my advice on solving problems for them.
If I were an alcoholic, an addict, co-dependent, or otherwise impaired, no responsible sub would want me to dominate her. Many subs do seek this kind of "dom", but it's only because they really want, unconsciously,  to "top from the bottom", a neurosis I don't have time for. I seek a responsible sub: my equal in many ways, perhaps even superior to me in many ways.   Does that answer your question, my friend?   David

_____________________________

"Time is the coin of your life." Carl Sandburg

(in reply to Noah)

Profile

Post #: 43

RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/28/2006 1:06:26 PM

liljoy

Posts: 577
Joined: 3/25/2004
Status: offline

The first thought that came to my mind when i read this was that you might be seeing red flags that you aren't admitting seeing because i've been there and done that. i guess i wanted everything to be rosey so i ignored on one level the things that said it wasn't but acted out because on a deeper level i knew he was just a creep.

i guess it could be a case of insecurity but then i'd think you'd have seen it in previous relationships. Same with the idea of fear of being happy

lil_joy

(in reply to ChelseaSalome)

Profile

Post #: 44

RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/29/2006 5:10:23 AM

midnyt

Posts: 40
Joined: 8/27/2006
Status: offline

hmmm......i see 2 key words here, lack of time for you and mistrust. this concerns me becouse first and foremost you have to have trust...oh so very important. how do you give up your power to someone you cant trust? lack of time.....when a submissive feels neglected sometimes we do tend to lash out inaproppiately. did you express yourself to Him, communicate to Him how you felt or did you just lash out in fits of anger? try not to beat yourself up to much about this situation...just learn better ways to handle your emotions. use this relationship as a tool to learn from. i understand that your heart is really hurt but use that emotion to learn from so you dont make those mistakes again and miss out on something really wonderful and satisfying. ~midnyt~

(in reply to ChelseaSalome)

Profile

Post #: 45

RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/29/2006 7:32:25 AM

ChelseaSalome

Posts: 20
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline

Update: I was summoned over to his apartment to talk, but only after some drama. I was out with a friend when He called and He assumed I was at home waiting for Him to call although that was not requested. He has His own mistrust issues. (Yah, I am really beginning to see that there are some serious problems here that go beyond any particular event)
Once I got there, I was able to some extent, although not completely sucessfully, put forth my bigger concerns about the incompatibility between my abandonment issues and His disregard for time. We talked at length and very constructively about addressing this together with some great mutual disclosure and understanding all around. The night ended well and there was some good close interaction on all levels

The thing is, that it would be sooo easy to end this relationship because of a rather extensive history of blow ups around the same issue over and over again~but, and there is no way to express this enough, when we are in the company of each other, it is near perfect. We hit on all cylinders and both of us agree that we have never found anyone else with whom it works this well.
There is a strong motivation to fix it if it can be fixed. It is has been very difficult to find someone who is my match on so many kink and vanilla levels.

When we parted following, the mood was good, but there was still some sense of hurt and distance.
Its been 24 hours since we and there has been minimal contact. I am feeling, and I imagine it is mutually, some emotional exhausion. I have decided that no matter what, my job here is to be as pleasant, open and balanced in response to Him as possible and to just, for once in my life, smother my flight to strongly react.. Even if it means we have no contact for awhile, I may just have to let things be. Even if it doesn't turn out the way I want. This is so hard for me, I hate feeling so afraid. That is exactly why I have to do this.

I have an appointment with a therapist who knows the lifestyle today, and I am pretty excited about it.
I am reasonably certain that the ultimate conclusion will be that this is not the right relationship for me. Or Him. That there is just too much that won't work and can't be fixed.
As other people had mentioned, and I do think this is the underlying issue, as a submissive, I need a Dom who exerts a much more intensive level of control over me. I do feel that I am "coming apart at the seams" I also think that the right Dom would keep me contained. I would be really pleased for our relationship to work, I mean, happy couples have overcome much bigger problems I suppose, but I realize that it may not be possible.

This thread has been extrodinarily helpful and I continue to benefit from the feedback. Thank you

(in reply to midnyt)

Profile

Post #: 46

RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/29/2006 10:41:35 AM

liljoy

Posts: 577
Joined: 3/25/2004
Status: offline

"I do feel that I am "coming apart at the seams" I also think that the right Dom would keep me contained."

ahh well yes and no. you really need to be able to hold yourself together. The right Dom for you can assist you with that but shouldn't be expected to do it for you. i think it's great that you are seeing a therapist about your issues

(in reply to ChelseaSalome)

Profile

Post #: 47