How We Are Affected By Experiences

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babysburnin -> How We Are Affected By Experiences (8/26/2006 4:01:28 PM)
A previous thread got me to thinking ... What negative behaviors/insecurities have you brought to your current relationship, or from relationship to relationship? I was married, it wasn't good at all, I didn't date for literally years because I knew 1) I needed to figure out why I settled for that relationship, 2) What went wrong and what my part in it was and what was beyond my control, 3) What I truely needed to be happy, and 4) I didn't want someone else to suffer for the issues of the previous relationship. I know my time-off from relationships did a world of good for my self-discovery and security within myself. With that being said, and with all of my good intentions, my Dom tells me he "eats the fruit" of my past, meaning I still carried over some of the hurt. Mostly I think in just taking longer to trust, which isn't necessarily a bad thing in my opinion. Some experiences change how you view things forever, not necessarily negatively ... just differently. For example, I am a mother, I will never view the world in the same way as I did before I was a mother. I'm curious to know what issues are the most difficult for you to resolve within your relationships, as well as experiences that made you see the world through different eyes forever.

ownedgirlie -> RE: How We Are Affected By Experiences (8/26/2006 4:18:01 PM)
This is a rather personal topic for me so I will just begin by saying it was a lack of trust. Not just in him, but in myself. Because of that, I had trouble letting go of a lot of things. But Master has a unique ability to blend an intolerance of bullshit with incredible patience, and was able to help me work through this issue, which ultimately allowed me to become the slave I needed to become, and continue growing from there. A friend I sought advice from also helped me to see it, and it was very surprising to me when he told me, "You don't trust him yet." I spent a lot of time processing that one, as I thought I had already "arrived." There was this other piece of me, who only knew how to handle conflict and drama, as I spent most of my life surrounded in it. As a result, I had this horrible "habit" of creating conflict when things were going really well. By this I do not mean disobeying, but it seemed as soon as things were going wonderfully along, I would find something to become concerned about, or to create conflict over. I realized that was the only way I knew how to relate. Sad as that was, I created a lot of stress for us both as a result (gee I feel like this is confessions time). Once this was recognzied and overcome, we have been able to soar freely and unencumbered. Go figure :)

babysburnin -> RE: How We Are Affected By Experiences (8/26/2006 4:36:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie But Master has a unique ability to blend an intolerance of bullshit with incredible patience ... LOL ... My Dom is the same. He reads me so well and never lets me spin any B.S. His way ... all with loving care ... Guess that's one of the many reasons I adore Him so. I've met my intellectual and emotional match ... how sweet it is ... I trust we will resolve my unresolved issues (and His) together. But, with all of the introspection I did within myself, and the support of this wonderful man, He still feels my past.

KatyLied -> RE: How We Are Affected By Experiences (8/26/2006 4:50:19 PM)
My current relationship has ushered in a positive period of growth in my life. My Dom has encouraged me to face things and be proactive about situations, when I'd usually try to "hide" from them or worse be reactive without thinking things through. I've learned to slow down, process, and when necessary reframe my thinking.

Littlepita -> RE: How We Are Affected By Experiences (8/26/2006 5:18:47 PM)
I was married to a passive aggressive man for 18 years. I am 6 months living with my Dom and I know I bring much of my past with me. He is an incredible man and helping me work through my past with my ex and with my father. We are all products of our past and if we don't fix the bad we will repeat it. I have seen that way too many times in people and in myself. I guess the things I bring with me that are the most negative behaviors and insecurities are issues with trust and acceptance. I have had to work on trusting my Dom to be the man he says he is and I have had to work on believing that I am acceptable just the way I am. I have a long ways to go, but for the first time in my life I really feel I have broken many negative cycles that have kept me down and angry for so long. Thank God for my Joe!!

ownedgirlie -> RE: How We Are Affected By Experiences (8/26/2006 5:30:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: babysburnin quote: ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie But Master has a unique ability to blend an intolerance of bullshit with incredible patience ... LOL ... My Dom is the same. He reads me so well and never lets me spin any B.S. His way ... all with loving care ... Guess that's one of the many reasons I adore Him so. I've met my intellectual and emotional match ... how sweet it is ... I trust we will resolve my unresolved issues (and His) together. But, with all of the introspection I did within myself, and the support of this wonderful man, He still feels my past. Isn't it wonderful though? We all bring our pasts with us, but to be in the hands of one who sees beyond that, and who sees the great potential within us, is truly divine. We can talk about our ugly and negative baggage all we want, but I think in doing so, we forget the GOOD we also bring. They chose to accept our submission for a reason, right? Because above all the crap we feel we have lugged around through the years (and yay for finally letting go of it), we continue to perservere. We continue to fight for ourselves, and to want to work through the ugliness to get to all the good. While I can say I have been knocked down repeatedly, and as a result I carry around some battle wounds, I know what is inside of me and what has finally risen to the surface. Master saw it all along - a passionate spirit, an enormous capacity to love, a need to submit totally, and a yearning to please him as much as possible.

stockingluvr54 -> RE: How We Are Affected By Experiences (8/26/2006 5:37:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie quote: ORIGINAL: babysburnin quote: ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie But Master has a unique ability to blend an intolerance of bullshit with incredible patience ... LOL ... My Dom is the same. He reads me so well and never lets me spin any B.S. His way ... all with loving care ... Guess that's one of the many reasons I adore Him so. I've met my intellectual and emotional match ... how sweet it is ... I trust we will resolve my unresolved issues (and His) together. But, with all of the introspection I did within myself, and the support of this wonderful man, He still feels my past. Isn't it wonderful though? We all bring our pasts with us, but to be in the hands of one who sees beyond that, and who sees the great potential within us, is truly divine. We can talk about our ugly and negative baggage all we want, but I think in doing so, we forget the GOOD we also bring. They chose to accept our submission for a reason, right? Because above all the crap we feel we have lugged around through the years (and yay for finally letting go of it), we continue to perservere. We continue to fight for ourselves, and to want to work through the ugliness to get to all the good. While I can say I have been knocked down repeatedly, and as a result I carry around some battle wounds, I know what is inside of me and what has finally risen to the surface. Master saw it all along - a passionate spirit, an enormous capacity to love, a need to submit totally, and a yearning to please him as much as possible. Well said....it's posts like that, that kinda keep a person going and not giving up...thanks

juliaoceania -> RE: How We Are Affected By Experiences (8/26/2006 5:50:34 PM)
Wow this is very personal...smiles. I will share a little... I have at different points in my life had different patterns that I would not call the most positive. I would take a few years between serious relationships to figure out what went wrong. All of the sudden I am pushing 40 and I refuse to wait to "figure it out" before dating others again. I feel like I can spot familiar patterns more quickly than I used to and not get bogged down by them. Instead of spending a year or two licking my wounds when something doesn't work out, I spend a month or two. I just do not want to dedicate that much time to "finding where it went wrong", because I am thinking it is wasting my life when someone terrific could be around the corner. I feel relationships teach us about ourselves, even when they do not end well (especially when they do not end well..smiles). I can only really learn from someone if I am relating to them. I am not going to learn by rehashing it and playing a game of trying to figure out why it didn't work, because 50% of the equation is missing, the other half of the relationship failure. I agree about not making others suffer because of our own baggage. I tend to try to go into each situation when I know I can invest myself into someone without projecting my issues on to them. I tend to assume others are capable of doing this too, and I have found out the hard way this is not always the case. It is a really rotten feeling to have the bad behavior of others projected on to you. At the same time we have to keep our eyes peeled to watch for old destructive patterns that we repeat, so how does one find a balance? Motherhood and a failed marriage changed my views irrevocably. My first Ds relationships changed me too, it broke me down and I had to rebuild myself, which was a painful expereince... but I am a phoenix and I persisted and survived. In fact I feel new again in many ways and much stronger. I cannot write about the rest of my "issues", because they are particular to me, and it is something I shouldn't share with anyone but him, and I have been doing that one step at a time. Building a new relationship is fun, exciting, passionate, and lovely... it is also challenging, scary, and a lot of hard work.. anything worth having is![:)]

babysburnin -> RE: How We Are Affected By Experiences (8/26/2006 6:01:11 PM)
[/quote] Isn't it wonderful though? We all bring our pasts with us, but to be in the hands of one who sees beyond that, and who sees the great potential within us, is truly divine. [/quote] I couldn't agree more. I see that in Him as well. I've waited for what seems like forever to feel this close to someone ... and even if it doesn't last forever, I have been blessed forever.

babysburnin -> RE: How We Are Affected By Experiences (8/26/2006 6:14:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: juliaoceania I feel relationships teach us about ourselves, even when they do not end well (especially when they do not end well..smiles). I can only really learn from someone if I am relating to them. I am not going to learn by rehashing it and playing a game of trying to figure out why it didn't work, because 50% of the equation is missing, the other half of the relationship failure. This was the flaw in my logic. In retrospect, I could have jumped "back on the horse" earlier. As you stated, rehashing isn't always the best option. I just turned 40, and I agree that "time can be wasted". I don't feel I wasted time being alone, it was time well-spent. But, having done so, I won't need to do it again ... Happy for me, I know who I am now, flaws and strengths ... ready to accept both and not rip myself up for not being perfect. I actually like myself ... imperfections and all.

juliaoceania -> RE: How We Are Affected By Experiences (8/26/2006 6:19:12 PM)
Maybe that is what happened the last time things went awry in a relationship (which is going on a year ago), I know who I am so it did not take as long to get back on the horse this time...hmmmm... I never thought about it that way, and it has a ring of truth to it, thanks for the insight!

SusanofO -> RE: How We Are Affected By Experiences (8/26/2006 9:04:12 PM)
A fear that a person I may fall in love (or at least very heavy "like" with) is going to seem wonderful, and treat me wonderfully, for about 6 months to a year, (if we are growing toward an LTR), and then turn into Mr. Hyde (vs. the Dr. Jekyll I'd grown to like and-or love) through no fault of mine (really). I am trying to "get over" this feeling, so I am more able to trust a potential Dominant. I know I feel this way because it happened to me in my marriage, in a serious and detrimental way, for years. Talking about it is part of my grief counselling process - because I don't want to carry this "baggage" into a new relationship, if I can help it. I have also been incredibly tenacious, once or twice in my life, in very difficult circumstances where some might have "thrown in the towel" without a second thought. I am proud of myself for that. It's also taught me what I am capable of overcoming. I've been: Homeless, poor, experienced a long-time ex-lover's suicide, and the suicides of a couple of close relatives. I've been hospitalized for very severe depression I was told I'd never recover from, graduated from college Magna Cum Laude, despite having been told by some that, despite my brains, because of severe depression it would be "too difficult" for me to attempt college, and I attended graduate school and landed a wonderful and interesting professional job. I have overcome an alcohol-abuse problem (still in "recovery"). I've been married to somone who could not show me they loved me, and who also denied me children, and have been laid off a wonderful, great-paying job. I've also had many parts of my life that have been blessed: I've got an incredibly supportive family and many good friends, held some wonderful and interesting professional jobs, have two hobbies that intensely interest me, and rewarding volunteer work. I also live in the United States, and have a fairly good standard of living. I think I've had an incredibly interesting, and fulfilling, life so far, despite the "detours". I am aware of how lucky I am. I've seen what life can do to people, and there are many who haven't been so lucky. - Susan

Steelriven -> RE: How We Are Affected By Experiences (8/26/2006 9:36:35 PM)
Yeah, this is a personal question to ask... Is it cause and effect? Or adaptation? I'll say one thing, being truly homeless effects and changes you for the rest of your life. I'm not throwing a pitty party here, but you tend to look at people alot differently who seem to have it easy. As far as relationships. I tend to be a little insecure, and less trustworthly now. I don't have regrests, I have lessons I learned.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: How We Are Affected By Experiences (8/26/2006 9:38:03 PM)
My pattern as an insecure perfectionist is to take everyones issues onto myself, make myself responsible for FAR more than I should, not let other people help me, and not believing praise and compliments. This pattern was pretty much inbred to myself by a family that treated me completely as the baby and incapable of knowing or dealing with the adult issues (and as a southern family, there were lots of skeletons in lots of closets) and an innate drive to perfection and realizing that the only way I was ever going to get out of poor-ville was to kick my ass and get a full scholarship to college.

babysburnin -> RE: How We Are Affected By Experiences (8/26/2006 10:43:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross My pattern as an insecure perfectionist is to take everyones issues onto myself, make myself responsible for FAR more than I should, not let other people help me, and not believing praise and compliments. You are not alone in that. I must say, you are wise ... not beyond your years (what is that?), but wise in relation to what you have experienced and the way you see things. I was as smart as you at your age, just not as worldy and secure. It's nice to have an insight into Ms. LA ... Don't you get tired of giving good advice and being smart, resourceful and thoughtful? I hope someone can step-up-to-the plate for you.

porcelaine -> RE: How We Are Affected By Experiences (8/26/2006 10:57:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: babysburnin A previous thread got me to thinking ... What negative behaviors/insecurities have you brought to your current relationship, or from relationship to relationship? I'm curious to know what issues are the most difficult for you to resolve within your relationships, as well as experiences that made you see the world through different eyes forever. In the past I was still clinging to a breach of trust that made it impossible for me to completely let go with my partner. Eventually I reached the point where I realized this individual was no longer permitted to have free room and board in my life. Our relationship had ceased and it was foolish for a ghost to hold power over me and impact my decisions and future in a negative vain. I believe some therapists liken this to the point where we are simply tired of hurting and say the heck with it all and finally let go. I feel much lighter and freer because of this. I no longer wear glasses with a delicate pink hue. I see things as they are and valiantly attempt not to read my personal wishes into a situation. I've learned to ask rather than assume. More than this I've taken ownership for my experiences completely and refuse to become anyone's slogan. I find the latter most prevelant in my relationships and find it colors the persons I will consider for a potential partner. When I didn't know any better I looked for a dominant. One day I learned the error of my ways and began to seek a man. That lesson alone was priceless. porcelaine

Homestead -> RE: How We Are Affected By Experiences (8/26/2006 11:14:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: babysburnin A previous thread got me to thinking ... What negative behaviors/insecurities have you brought to your current relationship, or from relationship to relationship? I was married, it wasn't good at all, I didn't date for literally years because I knew 1) I needed to figure out why I settled for that relationship, 2) What went wrong and what my part in it was and what was beyond my control, 3) What I truely needed to be happy, and 4) I didn't want someone else to suffer for the issues of the previous relationship. I know my time-off from relationships did a world of good for my self-discovery and security within myself. With that being said, and with all of my good intentions, my Dom tells me he "eats the fruit" of my past, meaning I still carried over some of the hurt. Mostly I think in just taking longer to trust, which isn't necessarily a bad thing in my opinion. Some experiences change how you view things forever, not necessarily negatively ... just differently. For example, I am a mother, I will never view the world in the same way as I did before I was a mother. I'm curious to know what issues are the most difficult for you to resolve within your relationships, as well as experiences that made you see the world through different eyes forever. I take the time to see who a person is now. Not who I would like them to be.

Sunshine119 -> RE: How We Are Affected By Experiences (8/27/2006 12:32:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SusanofO d-or love) through no fault of mine (really). I am trying to "get over" this feeling, so I am more able to trust a potential Dominant. I know I feel this way because it happened to me in my marriage, in a serious and detrimental way, for years. Talking about it is part of my grief counselling process - because I don't want to carry this "baggage" into a new relationship, if I can help it. After my 20 year marriage ended suddenly, with no warning, I realized that I had no idea who my ex-husband was. The learning to trust again was more a matter of me learning to trust ME again. If I could have been so wrong about someone, for so long, what did that say about MY judgement. I took a long time off from relationships, got some professional help and when I met the man I am with, he keep gently teasing me of not trusting him in the early months. Since I didn't want to bring past garbage into a potential new relationship, I only stated pretty much what I wrote in the paragraph above and told him that in some ways, I felt my capacity to trust implictly was broken forever. He wrote me a beautiful letter, which I still keep. In it he wrote a prayer, asking God that if I were broken, he wanted God to break him like me because in my brokenness, he only saw perfection. After crying for hours over that letter, I knew that I could finally let go of the past. We are hoping God gives us many years to be broken together. When you are ready, I'm sure you will find someone whom you can trust too. Sunshine

SusanofO -> RE: How We Are Affected By Experiences (8/27/2006 12:34:16 AM)
Sunshine119: What a sweet thing to say, and an encouraging example from one who has been there. I really appreciate it. Sounds like you found a great guy, getting a letter like that would have made me cry, too! [:)] - Susan

KatyLied -> RE: How We Are Affected By Experiences (8/27/2006 5:00:47 AM)
quote: make myself responsible for FAR more than I should This resembles me. When I had relationships that failed, I always blamed myself. Even where there was glaring evidence that I had nothing to do with the failure. This is where reframing how I think about things has really helped me.

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