mp072004
Posts: 381
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline
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Sadista may be correct in her suspicion that your lover is homosexual. However, this seems unlikely if he does want to have sex with you, and especially if he enjoys touching your body intimately ways that don't involve sticking his penis in it, like cunnilingus. By the way, please do remember that liking gay porn or sex and relationships with men doesn't mean a man doesn't like sex or relationships with women. My partner is a bisexual man, and he's certainly not the only one.
It sounds like your lover may have built up climaxing during intercourse in his head as a very significant event, likely because he has had trouble with it. I might guess that this causes him some anxiety that inhibits his sexual excitement and causes his physical arousal to diminish. When his erection flags, he may become despondent and not want to continue sexual interaction. Medications like Viagra and Cialis could help him maintain physical arousal and lessen the impact of his anxiety on his erection, allowing (forcing?) him to engage in intercourse to climax. If he's anxious about orgasm from intercourse because he perceives it as very significant, doing it once will remove some of its significance and so remove some of the anxiety surrounding it, and if anxiety and pressure are all that are keeping him from arousal and stimulation to orgasm, as they diminish, his ability to have intercourse and orgasm from it will increase. Like you said, once he is able to perform a couple of times, he may not need the pills because he'll be more relaxed.
I'm not sure whether sexual desire is your lover's problem. However, if it is, your medication options are more limited. There's a synthetic medication in the works, but it's not worth talking about yet. There are herbal and alternative ways to increase one's libido, and the most effective one I know of is yohimbine. If you do this, you would probably want to look for pills marketed as "Yohimbe" with (this is important) the amount of yohimbine in them listed on the label.
In general, you may want to deemphasize male orgasm in your sexual encounters. I realize that modern American het sex is very interested in male orgasm, indeed, very interested in orgasm in general, there's a reason I needed qualifiers of chronology, location, and gender pairing! If he has good sexual feelings that don't lead to orgasm, embrace them, and enjoy them. If his penis stops being erect before fluid spurts out of it, that's not a failure or a bad thing unless you and he want to regard it as one. Ceasing to concentrate on his orgasm may alleviate his anxiety about it, too, and so may even cause him to orgasm.
Debutante, you say that vaginal sex is important "for the closeness it brings." I agree that sex can be a powerful source of intimacy, expression of affection, and validation of attractiveness. However, you are likely to be happier, even if you and this man, (or another one, for that matter) have successful vaginal sex, if you have other activities that make you feel intimate with, loved by, and attractive to your partner, just because the more things you have that can provide those good feelings, the more good feelings you'll get.
If your lover is not interested in vaginal intercourse, but comes to enjoy sex, you may not have a problem, especially because you're kinky and so have a greater array of sexually satisfying activities that don't involve sticking penises in vaginas. Many het couples can perceive their sex lives as fulfilling and can have even frequent sex without ever doing vaginal intercourse, and, anecdotally, as couples who don't do vaginal intercourse incorporate other activities into their sexual interactions, their sex lives get happier. I'm not arguing that YOU can be happy and sexually satisfied without your lover's penis in your vagina; I'm arguing that some people are.
Monica
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Regarding Asexuality - 
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