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RE: Regarding Asexuality - 8/28/2006 8:00:42 PM   
Homestead


Posts: 1005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nebbish

I'm asexual, and I don't date because of it.

It's pretty common for women to think that they'd be ok with it, or to think that I'll change. But when I have dated a woman like that, she's always been unhappy, and I've always ended it because of that.

For a long time now, I've just not dated.

I don't believe a relationship with one asexual partner and one person with a typical sex drive would work. It's probably as bad of a match as a gay partner and a straight partner.


And yet, people do engage in D/s and bdsm relationships with no sex involved. Not everyone is a sex junkie.

(in reply to nebbish)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Regarding Asexuality - 8/28/2006 8:12:01 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Homestead: I agree with you. However, do you think this is something the OP doesn't already know, or hasn't though about? She is in a relationship already with someone who doesn't seem to have loads of enthusiasm (for whatever reason) for sexual intercourse of the vaginal (or anal, perhaps) kind.

Do you think wanting sexual intercourse with someone with whom you have a long-term, meaningful relationship is an unreasonable expectation or desire to have? She is not, it seems to me, proposing 24-7, non-stop sex, and hasn't in any way described herself as insatiable. 

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/28/2006 8:15:12 PM >

_____________________________

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That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Homestead)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Regarding Asexuality - 8/28/2006 8:29:24 PM   
nebbish


Posts: 3
Joined: 7/17/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Homestead

And yet, people do engage in D/s and bdsm relationships with no sex involved. Not everyone is a sex junkie.


I know that there are people who would enjoy a BDSM only relationship, but I've gone into such situations twice, and in both cases the woman was unhappy that sex wasn't really on the table.

Most people aren't sex junkies, but most people want to have sex sometimes. Very few women want to be in a relationship that means that they won't have sex at all.

I'm not saying that no women feel that way -- just that most women don't.

(in reply to Homestead)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Regarding Asexuality - 8/28/2006 8:34:12 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		nebbish: Just for the record, I think it's very honorable of you to be upfront with women about your asexuality. Truly.

- Susan 

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to nebbish)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Regarding Asexuality - 8/28/2006 8:48:06 PM   
nebbish


Posts: 3
Joined: 7/17/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

nebbish: Just for the record, I think it's very honorable of you to be upfront with women about your asexuality. Truly.

- Susan


Well, that's nice of you to say, but I don't think it's really about being honorable. It's more about realizing that forcing things that don't work isn't in anyone's interest. It's no fun being with someone who is unhappy.

If I had gotten involved with the right person before I realized that, I'd probably have handled things worse than I ended up handling them.

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Regarding Asexuality - 8/28/2006 8:49:36 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		nebbish: Well yes, things have to work for you, as well.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to nebbish)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Regarding Asexuality - 8/28/2006 8:51:50 PM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		Wow, I'm glad I don't have that problem!
Poor guy! Yes, definately take him to a Doctor. He could have a low testosterone level (I'd be glad to give him some of my testosterone, I think I got an overdose!)
or it could be a thyroid problem or chemical imbalance or any number of things.
The thing is that you don't *know* until a Doctor looks at him and does some tests.
Homestead, I'm not one of those people.
I guess I'm just a "sex junkie." lol

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Regarding Asexuality - 8/28/2006 9:24:29 PM   
Homestead


Posts: 1005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: popeye1250

Wow, I'm glad I don't have that problem!
Poor guy! Yes, definately take him to a Doctor. He could have a low testosterone level (I'd be glad to give him some of my testosterone, I think I got an overdose!)
or it could be a thyroid problem or chemical imbalance or any number of things.
The thing is that you don't *know* until a Doctor looks at him and does some tests.
Homestead, I'm not one of those people.
I guess I'm just a "sex junkie." lol



Just try to remeber that the need for sex is not the default with every human being Popeye. Assumptions are a killer.

(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Regarding Asexuality - 8/29/2006 5:01:51 AM   
Chloelicious


Posts: 1078
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: belgium, Brussels, Forest
Status: offline 		Homestead,

You are not obsessed by with sex because as you say you are asexual but when you are sexually active and like sex it's really hard to have no sexual encounters. I know what i'm talking about because i'm in the same "state" that debutante, I'm with my man since 4 years and since then we did 'nt had sex. I'm dying about this situation!!!!

Chloé


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(in reply to Homestead)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Regarding Asexuality - 8/29/2006 5:12:15 AM   
Homestead


Posts: 1005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Chloelicious

Homestead,

You are not obsessed by with sex because as you say you are asexual but when you are sexually active and like sex it's really hard to have no sexual encounters. I know what i'm talking about because i'm in the same "state" that debutante, I'm with my man since 4 years and since then we did 'nt had sex. I'm dying about this situation!!!!

Chloé



You are putting words in my mouth here. I never said I was asexual, just that it was not a huge obesession with me. As such I avoid those with very high sex drives.

(in reply to Chloelicious)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Regarding Asexuality - 8/29/2006 6:46:49 AM   
Chloelicious


Posts: 1078
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: belgium, Brussels, Forest
Status: offline 		Homestead,

You are right and  would you accept my apologizes cause i've mixed your message and nebbish one.

Chloé


_____________________________

If the Evil spirit arm the Tiger with Claws, Brahman provided wings for the Dove...... Guns and roses

If global warming continue, we will have SOLAR bears !!!
( unknown)

If love is blind......I guess I will buy myself a cane (guns and roses

(in reply to Homestead)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Regarding Asexuality - 8/29/2006 6:48:07 AM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nebbish

I'm asexual, and I don't date because of it.

It's pretty common for women to think that they'd be ok with it, or to think that I'll change. But when I have dated a woman like that, she's always been unhappy, and I've always ended it because of that.

For a long time now, I've just not dated.

I don't believe a relationship with one asexual partner and one person with a typical sex drive would work. It's probably as bad of a match as a gay partner and a straight partner.


There are groups for asexuals out there. Perhaps you can find one and meet a partner through such a group. Do a google on it.  i was just reading about such a group, but did not bookmark it.  If i find it i will forward it to you.  Good luck to you. 

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to nebbish)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Regarding Asexuality - 8/29/2006 8:28:16 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: debutante

I recently started seeing a man who identifies himself as asexual. He is a few years older than me (I'm 21, he's 24), and he has never had sex. We both switch equally and regularly.

He informed me right away that he is moderately asexual. He enjoys pleasing me, but is not turned on by the idea of vaginal intercourse. He enjoyed the blowjob I gave him, and I have also given him a couple of handjobs, but no sex. He doesn't have a problem getting hard, but when it comes to sex itself he loses his erection and can't continue. Also, when I give hand/blow jobs he doesn't come.

He has also confessed that he has a very hard time relaxing enough to come, as in he can't let go. He gets nervous and anxious about it, so he holds back.

He has told me if we become serious he will try to go on something like viagra, or a similar pill. I want sex, and he wants to give it to me, but can't. Would viagra (or other erection medication) work in this situation?

Is there anything I can do to help him out without giving up and heading right for medication? I like the guy, he fits my needs for things like bdsm, but I don't know if I can go without sex for too long, as I have always enjoyed it in the past with other partners.


So any advice would be wonderful. Thank you!


No offense but wow, I wouldn't ask someone to take pills for me.

I mean, he and you could try therapy if he thinks this is something he wants to change.

And there are strapons, fingers, tongues, dildoes, even entire hands if you really want to be penetrated vaginally. Sex isn't just vaginal intercourse though.

Personally I don't think it is good to try and make someone who is asexual into a sexual person -- folks have all different reasons and biologies and I think these differences are best respected if you can. Heck, he can have other types of sex so I think you're doing great together.

I'd make the pills the last thing you try because any chemical we put in our bodies does affect our bodies and sometimes not in good ways.

Ultimately you have to decide just how necessary vaginal intercourse is to you. If it is really important you can open up the relationship and get another partner or simply move onto another relationship all together.

I'm just jump speaking out my butt here. My spouse has a very low sex drive himself, intercourse is of 0 interest to him unless we decide to start a family. We have a great poly family and we are very much in love but I know intercourse is not that important to me -- I'd rather receive oral or manual personally.

< Message edited by thetammyjo -- 8/29/2006 8:31:19 AM >

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(in reply to debutante)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Regarding Asexuality - 8/29/2006 10:46:53 AM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		What? Homstead's A sexual too?
Must be a lot of that going around!

(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Regarding Asexuality - 8/29/2006 10:49:25 AM   
Homestead


Posts: 1005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: popeye1250

What? Homstead's A sexual too?
Must be a lot of that going around!


No, I'm not.

I'm not hypersexual the way many of YOU seem to be.

(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Regarding Asexuality - 8/29/2006 11:18:24 AM   
Chloelicious


Posts: 1078
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: belgium, Brussels, Forest
Status: offline 		Popeye,

No Homestead is not that's me who had misunderstood and mixed two reply.

CHloé

(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Regarding Asexuality - 8/29/2006 11:54:46 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: debutante

I recently started seeing a man who identifies himself as asexual. He is a few years older than me (I'm 21, he's 24), and he has never had sex.  We both switch equally and regularly.

He informed me right away that he is moderately asexual. He enjoys pleasing me, but is not turned on by the idea of vaginal intercourse. He enjoyed the blowjob I gave him, and I have also given him a couple of handjobs, but no sex. He doesn't have a problem getting hard, but when it comes to sex itself he loses his erection and can't continue. Also, when I give hand/blow jobs he doesn't come.

He has also confessed that he has a very hard time relaxing enough to come, as in he can't let go. He gets nervous and anxious about it, so he holds back.

He has told me if we become serious he will try to go on something like viagra, or a similar pill. I want sex, and he wants to give it to me, but can't. Would viagra (or other erection medication) work in this situation?

Is there anything I can do to help him out without giving up and heading right for medication? I like the guy, he fits my needs for things like bdsm, but I don't know if I can go without sex for too long, as I have always enjoyed it in the past with other partners.

So any advice would be wonderful. Thank you!


You find yourself in a difficult situation.  Having been in a relationship wherein my partner's sex drive went downhill after the birth of our second child while mine stayed the same...and seemed to increase the more it was denied or given into without enthusiasm...I can feel empathy for you.

For me, it just didn't work.  I tried patience, I tried negotiation, I tried discussion, I tried out and out argument.  We did not seek counseling and that was a mistake but only in that we had two children and many interwoven financial dealings.  If there are no children involved...and at your age...I am not sure how long I would put up with such a situation.  Yes, if he will get counseling, by all means go for it.  If the counseling points out that the problem is not a physical or emotional problem but just his outlook and feelings about sex...take it or leave it, mainly leave it...then what?  Yes, you love him...but if you try all these things and they still do not work, then what?  Hang on, hoping it will change?  Why?  Dissatisfaction leads to frustration and anger and those are all great killers of love.   Would it not be better to walk away with the idea of loving a man who was not a good fit for you than to walk away hating the man BECAUSE he was not a good fit for you and nothing could change that?

Every situation is different but given the short amount of time involved with this gentleman, I would suggest you go through the options you have been offered...from the least drastic (discussion) to a little higher (counseling) to the most drastic (medication:  if needed, wanted, and utilized properly)...and get started at them now.  You are young and your options outside of this relationship are wide open still.  Do not let indecision delay you from either a happier, more fulfilling relationship with this man...or another down the road.

(in reply to debutante)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Regarding Asexuality - 8/29/2006 12:03:13 PM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		Homestead, do you think once or twice a day is "Hypersexual?"
I don't think so, to me that's normal.
I may take a day off once in a while to "prime the pump" so to speak.
I guess "normal" is 2.3 times per week according to some govt. figures some where.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Regarding Asexuality - 8/29/2006 12:04:56 PM   
Homestead


Posts: 1005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: popeye1250

Homestead, do you think once or twice a day is "Hypersexual?"
I don't think so, to me that's normal.
I may take a day off once in a while to "prime the pump" so to speak.
I guess "normal" is 2.3 times per week according to some govt. figures some where.


I'm just making the comment that there is no "norm" in sex drives, and to compare others to yours is meaningless.

(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Regarding Asexuality - 8/29/2006 12:08:28 PM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		Homestead, what's "normal" to you, twice a week?

< Message edited by popeye1250 -- 8/29/2006 12:09:04 PM >

(in reply to Homestead)
Profile   Post #: 40
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