quote:

ORIGINAL: Mavis
He wished to get up, i never ONCE , in SIX days, woke Him, His alarm was a much more efficient slave.

quote:

A hotel would be an appropriate punishment if i can't get my shit together and make Him WANT to stay here.

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Has anyone had similar, and did it forever color Your view of sub?

quote:


What makes the difference between a one time event and a downward spiral that ruins the relationship for good?

quote:


i feel silly saying and doing "submissive things" now, because i fear it won't be accepted as genuine now.  How can i go back to being me without it looking like an act to cover my ass?

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i know part of me was begging "Somebody stop me!" but i know They were Both right to make Me stop myself. Would daily or weekly reports on what i am doing to ready for next visit be helpful, or is that like rubbing salt in to bring up the failures?

quote:


Would it help or hurt if i gave Them notes recognising and thanking for what They did right, since i was so full of what was wrong.. i'm half afraid the response will be "well then, those good things should have caused you to want to be better, not worse."  i sure don't need to give Either more ammo, i'm already shot thru by my own hand.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mavis


i am not a slob, or a reluctant hostess. i love serving B/both, but the only person being served this visit was ME.  i hate that wicked selfish person, but i fear that's the lasting memory Master will take home.  i feel like, To Him, the real me inside was revealed, and although Hubby knows that's not the case, i don't think Master will ever get past thinking i am a fraud-slave. 

For the moment, i wish to address something here.  In the above statement, you claim to hate a part of yourself, calling it wicked and selfish, then saying it is the "real" you.  Is this how you truly feel toward and about that part of yourself?  i have to wonder what is going on inside of you, at deeper levels within the context of this thought.  Perhaps this part of yourself is in need of some deepened nurture, healing, or at least consideration.
 
Everyone, slaves included, at one time or another tend to need to be accepted and understood even, and sometimes especially, when they feel they are acting out with undesireable behaviors, considered to be outside of their norm.   There is most always a deeper underlying cause that needs to be addressed, healed, nurtured, etc.  Perhaps the one being served that day was you, because you needed to be cared for.  You needed a break or a brief respite, and consciously you did not recognize this, but the underlying behavior was perhaps a cry from somewhere below conscious recognition.  Sometimes when a person is going and going and serving and pleasing, they get lost from themselves, and subconsciously cry out to receive some of the same care, service and nurture, a healthy dose, so they can then, after receiving a healthy fuel up, can carry on in service to others. 
 
You seem like you have many daily responsibilities that at times stress you in ways you may not be fully aware of.
 
Caregivers often experience this, as they tend to neglect themselves as they care and serve others.  Sometimes behaviors of this sort are a cry for respite, help or just plain ole understanding.  Other times the person may be going through stress overload or in the case of women, hormones and cyclic occurences also need to be taken into account.  Just sharing some thought for your consideration in this area. *smile
 
It may or may not apply to your unique situation, but it is always good to consider other possibilities just in case. *smile

< Message edited by raiken -- 8/31/2006 2:06:09 PM >

(in reply to Mavis)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mavis

... A hotel would be an appropriate punishment if i can't get my shit together and make Him WANT to stay here.

quote:

ORIGINAL: raiken

In the above statement, you claim to hate a part of yourself, calling it wicked and selfish, then saying it is the "real" you.  Is this how you truly feel toward and about that part of yourself?   

quote:


Sometimes when a person is going and going and serving and pleasing, they get lost from themselves, and subconsciously cry out to receive some of the same care, service and nurture, a healthy dose, so they can then, after receiving a healthy fuel up, can carry on in service to others. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: NastyDaddy

Who said it would be him staying in the hotel?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mavis

asking Masters because i really need to hear the "historical fallout" facts, and i know You folks won't candy-coat anything.  but please remember i am already down, a kick here and there is understandable, but "bury the hatchet in the false-slaves head" would truly break me at this point. Please forgive that this is hugely long, but that's how bad it was.

quick background, i am sub to my husband, slave to a Master that lives away, and the Two of Them work together sharing and splitting areas of responsibility over me.  The dynamics of that aren't important, only note there is full openness and They spend a lot of visiting time out doing guy-things together without me, and They have more in common than just managing me. 

This last visit, i did some horrible stuff.  i got my cycle, and although i don't normally have really bad mental issues, once in a while i have a bad one.  i think that added to my imbalances, but with hindsight, i can see i did a lot of stuff subconsciously even before the onset of "the mooding".

Usually, the week before a visit, i'm doing the normal "company's coming" routine.  This time, i didn't even prepare the guest room.  i didn't prepare a guest menu, stock the house with His fav foods and drinks. Didn't even have ice in the house. Laundry was backed up.  The car was filthy. my nails weren't done. The dog needed a bath.  When it was time to go out, i didn't have my wardbrobe selected, i spent time staring at my closet unable to see anything worth putting on to go out, til One finally said Just grab something in 20 seconds and put it on. Now.

Prior visits, i got up before Him / Them and brought coffee and served breakfast. This time, i woke up AFTER Them.. They got the coffee, and i made breakfast after it was suggested oatmeal might be nice. The last day, He noticed that even though i asked what time He wished to get up, i never ONCE , in SIX days, woke Him, His alarm was a much more efficient slave.

i was late to the airport for pickup (accident on road, not my fault, but i should have left earlier, and i know it.)  The ride for drop off was filled with my bitching, yes, even raising my voice, about all the things HE didn't do.. and WHY didn't He care that i had been smoking despite orders given long ago to stop.. "Don't Either of You CARe enough to enforce it?" i wailed.  (answer: "No.  If you didn't care enough to obey, it's not important enough to discuss." touche')

It's obvious i was pulling some kind of test.. at the time, my actions seemed perfectly reasonable to me.. But i can see it was a case of asking how awful can i be and still have worth to You.  That shows i WANt to have value, but i did everything in my power to reduce my value to B/both!  WTF?

i am not a slob, or a reluctant hostess. i love serving B/both, but the only person being served this visit was ME.  i hate that wicked selfish person, but i fear that's the lasting memory Master will take home.  i feel like, To Him, the real me inside was revealed, and although Hubby knows that's not the case, i don't think Master will ever get past thinking i am a fraud-slave. 

Nobody is talking about releasing me, but He admits all the wonderful good times W/we had (there were some!) will be overshadowed by dissapointment, and He is considering getting a hotel next visit.  Bless His heart, He's letting me know He's not giving up on me, but isn't going to put up with this behavior.  A hotel would be an appropriate punishment if i can't get my shit together and make Him WANT to stay here.

My questions:
Has anyone had similar, and did it forever color Your view of sub?
What makes the difference between a one time event and a downward spiral that ruins the relationship for good?
i feel silly saying and doing "submissive things" now, because i fear it won't be accepted as genuine now.  How can i go back to being me without it looking like an act to cover my ass?

i know part of me was begging "Somebody stop me!" but i know They were Both right to make Me stop myself. Would daily or weekly reports on what i am doing to ready for next visit be helpful, or is that like rubbing salt in to bring up the failures?

Would it help or hurt if i gave Them notes recognising and thanking for what They did right, since i was so full of what was wrong.. i'm half afraid the response will be "well then, those good things should have caused you to want to be better, not worse."  i sure don't need to give Either more ammo, i'm already shot thru by my own hand.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Estring

Next time behave yourself. What more needs to be said?