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dom b/f? - 8/31/2006 8:24:15 PM

crimson102

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Joined: 8/19/2006
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hi, i'm new here and i joined b/c i'm looking for some advice/information about a problem i have. i've always been into bdsm and have recently read up on it and such. my b/f and i have been together over 2 1/2 years and he knows i have an interest in this. the last few times we've slept together i've asked him to dominate me and he's settling into it really well but he needs more self confidence....has anybody else been in this situation?? how does a sub go about "training" a dom?? please help

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RE: dom b/f? - 8/31/2006 8:47:42 PM

mstrjx

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Joined: 11/27/2005
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It can go both ways (you teaching him and him learning on his own). It is probably better if he learns some things independantly from you.

For instance, if you teach him what you want and like, then you always know what to expect. Wouldn't you prefer he surprise you with something that would actually put you in a deeper submissive headspace?

Find good books for him to read. There are many threads about introductory books.

One of the things he needs to understand is that it will be all right for him to be rough, either physically or psychologically (or both). This might not seem natural at first, but when he sees how it turns you on it will get easier each time.

Also important is that each of you are having fun, especially him. He's presumably doing this primarily for you, but there should be something in it for him as well.

This should get you started somewhat. Hope this helps.

Jeff

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Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

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RE: dom b/f? - 8/31/2006 9:08:31 PM

diamonddreamlove

Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
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I suggest that you both go to munches and play parties. Is a good way to make contact with others that can teach Him. Also there are large learn and play parties that are available in many areas. Those would also help. Nice thing about a party is that almost everyone is eager to help out with learning new things. At least they are around here.

diamond

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RE: dom b/f? - 8/31/2006 9:12:07 PM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
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Yes, I've been in this situation. Almost exactly. The answer, in my book is 'with great difficulty."

Over the course of four years we've gone from totally vanilla couple to one in which he's got the final say, period. Took a LOT of work. Mostly, the problem that I foudn was that we didn't mean the same thing when we used the same words. I think that's the biggest advice I have for someone in this situation. Define your terms!! When you say "I want to serve you" tell him what youactually -mean- by serve. Do you mean you want to do whatever he wants in the bedroom? Have sex on command? Serve dinner every night? A little of everything?

Try to understand your needs and wants, before taking them to him. Do your best to figure out what's important to you, and what fufills you most. I think once you figure all this out, at least, where you stand at the moment, it makes it a little easier to communicate it to someone else.

Something else that I found was helpful to me was to look at your relationship as one in which you're trying to make your partner's life easier. I tried to do acts that simplified his life. To slowly take over the stuff he didn't like to do, and take care of it myself so he didnt' have to bother with it. I used the phrase "That's my job" a whole lot. I wasn't aggressivly submissive (ie kneeling all the time, blah). I simply did the stuff that made things run a little better and a little smoother. I tried to make controlling me -easy- and non-threatening. I did my best to never make him feel like he was dominating me -badly-, because I worried that would make him insecure and not want to do it anymore.

Looking back, we should have -talked- about that fear. I should have reassured him more that he was exactly who I wanted, and should have told him I worried he felt like he wasn't being what I needed.

One other problem that we ran into was that I didn't communicate the -kind- of controll I needed. He thought that as long as I was doing what he wanted, and I was doing the dishes and keeping the house picked up and giving him blowjobs, I felt controlled. On the other hand, I felt like I needed actual -rules-, and things thata ctually affected my life, and I had to think about before acting. I needed him to tell me that I was expected to wear a collar at all times, etc.

We didn't fix that well. I found myself getting more and more frustrated because I felt like I was doing all the hard boring work without any of the benifits (for me, feeling the controll, feeling used, feeling owned). I felt like I shouldnt' -say- anything, because it might make him feel like his was dominating me wrong, or badly. So I got more and more frustrated till I ended up acting out quite badly, taking off my collar, saying, basically "hell with this, lets be vanilla." So, yeah, don't bottle it up. If something isn't working, then talk about it. Right then.

Dunno if that's worth anything to you. I know there were lots n lots of problems that we had. Mostly in communication. We didn't talk enough or we didn't talk clearly. Still, overall it feels like a success. Vanilla to Owner in 4 years? Not too bad in my book.

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RE: dom b/f? - 9/1/2006 8:40:42 AM

MasterRobert1

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Best advice I could give would be for him to find an experienced Dom and get some mentoring. If you're serious about this, get him some assistance in learning how to be a Dom and how to Dominate someone.

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RE: dom b/f? - 9/1/2006 10:08:23 AM

midnyt

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Joined: 8/27/2006
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these are all very good points. there is something eles thats very important here. when master started out we went to a local group here in Ct. and they did demos. well apparently there are certian spots on the body that should not be whipped becouse they could cause nerve damage. so in addition to learning to be dominant he needs to know how to use his toys properly. have lots of fun, midnyt

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RE: dom b/f? - 9/1/2006 10:41:56 AM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterRobert1

Best advice I could give would be for him to find an experienced Dom and get some mentoring. If you're serious about this, get him some assistance in learning how to be a Dom and how to Dominate someone.

I don't think this is wholy neccessary outside of learning specific skills. I think it's wise for someone who'll be hurting you to know safe ways to hurt you, but that knowledge doesn't always come through other dominant individuals. My Owner knows about safe places to hit people because he does heavy hand-to-hand armoured combat. Learn other, more esoteric skills though, he's gone to people that already know them.

While I think mentoring -can- be useful, I think that for quite a few people it makes the whole thing way too intimidating. One's partner saying "hey, I think we should find some other guy to learn with" can come accross as "I really want someone else" unless one is very very very careful as to how they word it. Especially if the dominant person in question is naturally monogamous. It can appear as a challege to that monogamous relationship, which can set back the growth process.

I don't subscribe to the "If you're dominant you'll automatically know how to own someone" but neither do I think it's impossible to learn by looking inside yourself and your partner. I'm not saying it's -bad- to find a mentor or join groups. Just saying that with us, especially because we were so young, we found it was, overall, better to learn each other on our own, before progressing into the larger community. We met with some...not so nice people...on our first foray, which set back our relationship quite a bit. Took a while to get past the insecurities that those intereactions caused. Now, we're quite enjoying becing active in our local community, but this is three years later.

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RE: dom b/f? - 9/2/2006 2:41:02 PM

Celeste43

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Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
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Positive feedback can never be underrated. If one day he's overcome with lust while you're bent over sorting laundry and just grabs you and has at it, then you need to tell him loudly and repeatedly how hot that was and please, please will he do it again sometime. Cuddling up to him kissing him constantly afterward is good, sitting down quietly doing the crossword puzzle is not. He needs both words and actions that tell him how much you enjoy it. If you journal and he reads it, put it in there. Write him a love (lust) letter telling him how great it was.

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