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A Soft Place To Land - 9/1/2006 7:23:32 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I was wondering how dominant men handle when things do not go their way in life and if it impacts how they treat their submissive. We all have things that are unexpected and unplanned for happen. Things that make us feel out of control in life, when things go wrong. Perhaps you get sick, or lose your job, or have something else happen...Perhaps your teenagers get out of control or something.

My question is this, do you have a hard time feeling "dominant" when things spin out of your control? Do you worry that you may lose face in front of your submissive and that she may question your ability to dominate her? Do you ever turn to her for support when these sorts of things happen, or do you think of it as being "undomly"?

I endeavor to be "a soft place to land" for my Daddy. I do not want him to think I feel he is "less domly" because life kicks us in the teeth at times. This has not been a huge deal so far in our relationships, he does not seem to feel life's travails reflect badly on him. I have been involved with another that it was not this way with. He seemed to think "dom" meant that he could never be weak in front of me, ever.

If you are a sub reading this thread, do you try to be a "safe" person that your dominant can come to when he needs someone to talk to, someone to just share a burden with? Do you believe that your dom should never show they have any doubts, weaknesses, troubles? I think this is part of what makes all of us human. I am a mother-type by nature, and I want to serve my dom in that capacity when I can see he needs it... show him I can be there in all sorts of weather and that I am not a quitter...

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

Post #: 1

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/1/2006 7:55:50 PM

midnyt

Posts: 40
Joined: 8/27/2006
Status: offline

julia, i feel the same way. they may be dominant but they are still humans. i think they need to know we are a soft place to land and that it is ok for them to share thier burdens. they have to be so strong all the time...of corse thats thier nature but, even the strong ones fall sometimes and they need help getting back up. ~midnyt~

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 2

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/1/2006 8:02:06 PM

deltadawn

Posts: 224
Joined: 7/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

If you are a sub reading this thread, do you try to be a "safe" person that your dominant can come to when he needs someone to talk to, someone to just share a burden with? Do you believe that your dom should never show they have any doubts, weaknesses, troubles? I think this is part of what makes all of us human. I am a mother-type by nature, and I want to serve my dom in that capacity when I can see he needs it... show him I can be there in all sorts of weather and that I am not a quitter...

I hope to always be the one he can turn to. I try always to let him know that I am here.

This post comes in a time where this hits very close to home. I think it is hard for any Man, but especially a Dom to allow us to be there, allow us to tell them all will be ok..but if we let them know we are there, then hopefully when that times comes they can safely land.

dawn

_____________________________

Beneath his wings, I can fly.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 3

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/1/2006 9:21:09 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
My question is this, do you have a hard time feeling "dominant" when things spin out of your control?

Most do, but either ignore it and/or overcompensate by being an ass.

quote:

Do you worry that you may lose face in front of your submissive and that she may question your ability to dominate her?

Most do, yup, and with good reason- most subs do NOT deal well with clay feet.

quote:

Do you ever turn to her for support when these sorts of things happen, or do you think of it as being "undomly"?

If there is an emotional component to the relationship, I would certainly hope that they could.

quote:

do you try to be a "safe" person that your dominant can come to when he needs someone to talk to, someone to just share a burden with?

I try to do that with everyone I am close to in my life, most especially my long term partners.

quote:

Do you believe that your dom should never show they have any doubts, weaknesses, troubles?

To me? Not at all. That would be making them into some ethereal object for my own illusions.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 4

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/1/2006 9:44:58 PM

raiken

Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline

julia,

That is the type of person i am with everyone i care about, so i am just there that much more, when those i have relationships with of any type, are in need of support. i got their backs. i don't believe in ridgidity when life's struggles interject themselves. It is more of a go with the flow, what ever works type thing. During those times, titles, ideals and nomenclatures, fly out of the picture, and real life planning, support and nurture enter in. If i am more proficient at handling something, those i serve have no problem delegating, and it doesn't cause me to feel their dominance any more or less, then any other time. In fact i am honored to be there and to lend a hand. It is a very good feeling to know that others can trust me to care for them in the same way they care for me. *smile

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 5

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/1/2006 9:49:34 PM

lolade147

Posts: 1
Joined: 8/27/2006
Status: offline

hey alll

(in reply to raiken)

Post #: 6

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/1/2006 9:52:53 PM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
My question is this, do you have a hard time feeling "dominant" when things spin out of your control?

Most do, but either ignore it and/or overcompensate by being an ass.

And then send them to the 'throwing in the towel' thread, no doubt.

Fortunately I've never had much adversity to face. I've led, for the most part, quite the charmed life.

I suppose by rights I shouldn't bother risking bringing someone into what might happen in the future.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 7

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/1/2006 10:00:44 PM

xkittenishx

Posts: 38
Joined: 7/20/2006
Status: offline

I absolutely am and strive to be the safe harbor that my Master occasionally needs me to be. I think that it would bother me more if I *didn't* see him get upset over the occasional bad things that get thrown his way then to never see him upset/nervous/sad...

I agree in that I'm the mothering type as well - therefore I much prefer getting it all... even the bad stuff...

(in reply to mstrjx)

Post #: 8

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/1/2006 10:03:11 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

Most do, yup, and with good reason- most subs do NOT deal well with clay feet.

I think there maybe some truth to that from what I have read over the last few years in different venues.... rose colored glasses on the part of the submissive. I would feel sorry for dominants in the case of submissives that want to treat them as though they are God, but indeed some dominants probably do have God complexes and want this sort of starry-eyed submission. We all have clay feet, being human we just aren't made of stone...smiles.

Being a soft place to land is so not a dominant thing to be, it is the anticipation of needs, the desire to serve on a deeply emotional level. It is giving someone you are connected to freedom to be who they are all the time, and that is what it is all about for me

And like many have already said, we should try to be a soft place for everyone we love, even when they do not make that easy for us.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 9/1/2006 10:04:40 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 9

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/1/2006 10:10:19 PM

popeye1250

Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline

If things go wrong in life it's no big deal to me. I just try to roll with the punches.
It doesn't do any good to worry anyway.
I'm on a pension and retired so life is pretty good.
I'm single and don't have a submissive/slave right now bit if I did and something went wrong I don't think it would affect how I treated her at all. That's just "business" anyway.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 10

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/1/2006 10:19:16 PM

raiken

Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline

On the flip side, those that i have served, have also been a softened landing pad for me. Egads! yup! ya heard right, the "slave" was...gulp... 'served'...imagine that...*grin Landed right on top of em at times, and they did not let me fall. Thank goodness for those who know how to take those god complex shades off and see life for what it really is. *smile

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 11

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/1/2006 10:27:21 PM

diamonddreamlove

Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline

After my vanilla husband died my favorite Dom continued to be extremely supportive of me. Shortly afterwards this Dom had an auto accident which upset Him a lot. W/we had a play session scheduled and kept it. Dang that is when i learned the lesson of being supportive when needed. I have never been whipped so hard or for so long. Nor had i ever had the scratches, bruises or abrassions like that before or since. A few days after the session i spoke to Him about the intensity of the session and what it had meant to Him and i shared what it had meant for me. Today He went to court and W/we had another play session scheduled. I must admit that there are days when the death of my husband has really gotten to me and play is a million miles from my thoughts. My Dom sences those days and does not ask for me to play then. Today with His having gone to court i have to admit my first thought was dang don't want to play it might be another super tough session, however i remember His commenting that He had needed the session after the wreck to let out His emotions. Decided He might need the same today but He was gentle meeting my need for today. Being together means being together through the good and the bad, understanding the partner and communicating. He may have clay feet but they are good feet and He is a wonderful Dom and a wonderful man. I do not see Him as anything less than that even when He has the strength to admit to weakness and a mistake. I look to Him for guidance because i know He is my guide through life. So if He does in deed have clay feet that is fine they are my clay feet to serve!

_____________________________

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

(in reply to popeye1250)

Post #: 12

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/1/2006 10:37:14 PM

Rayne58

Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline

We have been through a lot since I came to live with Him 2 1/2 years ago - hospital stays, surgical procedures, changes in His treatment. I have seen Master in tears of pain and frustration. It doesn't make me think any less of Him.

I do know there are times when He feels bad about not being healthy. There are so many things He would have liked to do with me, show me, but which are just not possible. But there are other things He does which do make me feel so special - lots of hugs and kisses and cuddles, He will buy me flowers, just the way He looks at me when He thinks I am not looking

. His illness is long term and there's no cure apart from a kidney transplant. His chances of surviving it are not good, so we go with what we have and make the best of every day

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 13

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/2/2006 1:02:31 AM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

If you are a sub reading this thread, do you try to be a "safe" person that your dominant can come to when he needs someone to talk to, someone to just share a burden with? Do you believe that your dom should never show they have any doubts, weaknesses, troubles? I think this is part of what makes all of us human. I am a mother-type by nature, and I want to serve my dom in that capacity when I can see he needs it... show him I can be there in all sorts of weather and that I am not a quitter...

He provides an anchor that guides and keeps me steady when life's torrential waters crash. I am his respite, a place he knows he can find solace and acceptance. This doesn't imply that I will turn a blind eye to the things I see. It is my ability to say what is true even when I am compromised that makes the union worthwhile. It is not during the moments of strength that we reveal the substance we possess, but the humbling hours that leave us open and vulnerable that showcase the heart and the substance within. We yield to and offer support for one another.

porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 14

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/2/2006 2:02:01 AM

Wolfie648

Posts: 600
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline

My personal opinions. Voters may vary.

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I was wondering how dominant men handle when things do not go their way in life and if it impacts how they treat their submissive.

It depends on if the submissive is the source of the 'problem'. And to a very small extent, yes general life influences my subs experience.

quote:

We all have things that are unexpected and unplanned for happen. Things that make us feel out of control in life, when things go wrong. Perhaps you get sick, or lose your job, or have something else happen...Perhaps your teenagers get out of control or something.

My question is this, do you have a hard time feeling "dominant" when things spin out of your control?

Not yet.

quote:

Do you worry that you may lose face in front of your submissive and that she may question your ability to dominate her?

Personally I feel I can never lose face in front of my submissive - she either accepts my leadership (regardless of situation) or does not - I am not perfect, life is not perfect, and sure as stinky stuff I know my slave is not perfect. There isn't a topic that she can pick that I can't teach her something on.

That _does not mean_ that there are topics that she doesn't know more about than myself - just that I can wind the top up and watch it spin. It's fun.

**edit* and in the process teach her something.*

quote:

Do you ever turn to her for support when these sorts of things happen, or do you think of it as being "undomly"?

To date I have never asked for a slaves support - other than to do what I have told them. A dom is as a dom does as a dom gets. What goes for me is not what goes for you or them (well maybe it is, but just because I say it doesn't make it so for you).

quote:

I endeavor to be "a soft place to land" for my Daddy. I do not want him to think I feel he is "less domly" because life kicks us in the teeth at times. This has not been a huge deal so far in our relationships, he does not seem to feel life's travails reflect badly on him. I have been involved with another that it was not this way with. He seemed to think "dom" meant that he could never be weak in front of me, ever.

You may endeavor to be a soft place to land but is that what 'Daddy' wants? Do you want to be who you are or Daddy's fantasy in reality?

D (owner of j).

< Message edited by Wolfie648 -- 9/2/2006 2:03:33 AM >

_____________________________

Possibly.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 15

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/2/2006 3:48:01 AM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I was wondering how dominant men handle when things do not go their way in life and if it impacts how they treat their submissive. We all have things that are unexpected and unplanned for happen. Things that make us feel out of control in life, when things go wrong. Perhaps you get sick, or lose your job, or have something else happen...Perhaps your teenagers get out of control or something.

That is called life. Things happen.

quote:

My question is this, do you have a hard time feeling "dominant" when things spin out of your control? Do you worry that you may lose face in front of your submissive and that she may question your ability to dominate her? Do you ever turn to her for support when these sorts of things happen, or do you think of it as being "undomly"?

I am not a dominant, so cannot answer, but from my experience - some do, some don't.

quote:

If you are a sub reading this thread, do you try to be a "safe" person that your dominant can come to when he needs someone to talk to, someone to just share a burden with?

No, I am just me. I don't 'try' to be anything different.

quote:

Do you believe that your dom should never show they have any doubts, weaknesses, troubles?

I believe any person should be true to themself, dominant or not and if they have worries, that isn't a weakness.

quote:

I think this is part of what makes all of us human. I am a mother-type by nature, and I want to serve my dom in that capacity when I can see he needs it... show him I can be there in all sorts of weather and that I am not a quitter...

This is true, but there will always be people who believe they can and do wish to only cope alone. That doesn't make them assholes, that just makes them not compatable with someone like yourself.

Peace and Rapture

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 16

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/2/2006 3:49:50 AM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

quote:

I would feel sorry for dominants in the case of submissives that want to treat them as though they are God, but indeed some dominants probably do have God complexes and want this sort of starry-eyed submission.

And I am sure that most people would not appriciate your 'pity'.

quote:

And like many have already said, we should try to be a soft place for everyone we love, even when they do not make that easy for us.

No, that isn't the majority - what gives you the 'right' to sit here and tell something like its 100% truism? Some people do not desire a soft place - just because you may want it, doesn't mean that applies to everyone.

You may want to be a soft place - but that doesn't matter - it is what your dominant wants that matters, and if that is of little importance, then that person isn't your compatable partner, so you move on.

Peace and Rapture

< Message edited by darkinshadows -- 9/2/2006 3:52:46 AM >

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 17

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/2/2006 5:45:08 AM

GeekyGirl

Posts: 905
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline

I certainly think the outside factors in a dom's life can affect their ability to be "domly". This is exactly why me and my last dom ended things...his life had spun so far out of control that he couldn't take care of me anymore. I was willing to be there for him but he was going such a time of sadness and anger that he didn't want me there and pushed me away.

I wanted nothing more than to be supportive of him and be there for him in his sorrowful times, but he was the kind who couldn't handle allowing me to see him at a time when he felt weak. It really reaked havoc on things for us. The more I tried to be there for him the more I got accused of being smothering, and finally it became obvious that things just weren't going to work out until he solved his problems on his own.

It was a very difficult situation and I sympathize with any who are going through something similiar.

< Message edited by GeekyGirl -- 9/2/2006 5:52:18 AM >

(in reply to darkinshadows)

Post #: 18

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/2/2006 5:52:49 AM

sublizzie

Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline

I am interested in a real relationship with a real person. To me that means I am available as a soft landing pad, or a practice pad, or a cook, or whatever else that person needs. But above all, I want a *person* more than a position. How can a trust someone to be in control of me if I haven't seen how they work through their own bad times? No one is 100% "on". I want to see how he deals with his own emotions during his bad times. Since it's healthy to express those emotions, then I want to be trusted enough to see them. (Being unable or unwilling to express emotions and being willing to be comforted IMO means he's too stiff and brittle and will likely break at some point. Don't want to be with someone who is going to break because he's afraid to be real.) Once he's expressed them, I want to watch his process of dealing with them, taking control of the situation. You can't be in control of something that's never been out of control. What is the process of taking that control?

I'm the motherly-type too. I'm a very soft spot to land and be comforted. For me, it is a service that I am particularly adept at providing. Knowing that someone can use me in that capacity but will take control of the uncontrollable once he's allowed himself to emote is something I need as well. I'm not interested in only being someone's soft landing pad.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 19

RE: A Soft Place To Land - 9/2/2006 6:11:15 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

An excerpt from my profile:

quote:

I love being the warm, welcoming light at the end of a long day, the partner who you turn to and find sanctuary from the roughness of the world. I enjoy making home a peaceful and fulfilling place to be.

I believe that in any long term relationship the influences of the outside world sometimes come in. Both partners need to be able to recognize and understand that regardless of our "roles" we are just fallible human beings. Sometimes we all need a soft place to land and successful relationships are ones where the involved parties provide that for one another.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 20

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