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D/s and Virginity - 1/4/2005 4:40:43 PM

tabbycat

Posts: 23
Joined: 6/29/2004
Status: offline

i've never posted before but am doing so now upon advise from a Dom friend i've been speaking with. This is my problem....... i've been looking into D/s for over a year now and i'm sure that it isn't just a passing thing for me. (i tried to push that part of me away thinking that it wasn't "normal" until i no longer could)

After i had learned all that i could on my own i started to talk to others and just recently (last few months) search for a Dom. Well after meeting a few i've found i have a some problems. One of them being that i'm always "almost" (i hate that word now) what they want. But a big problem seems to be i'm a virgin. While i feel i know i'm a submissive just as i know what gender i prefer- it seems to keep some Doms away. (or they want to skip right to the sex lol)

i've had offers that help me become less "pure" thus take away that problem- what i want to ask is- i am i holding out for something i shouldn't be? i would love my first time to be with MY Dom- not someone with no emotional ties to me. Do i wait for a relaionship and that "click" or just do it? Maybe i'm just making to big a deal about the first time. Any advise would be very helpful- thank you in advance.

~tabbycat

PS- i wasn't sure if i should place this here or in the "ask a dom" secton please forgive me if this is the wrong place.

< Message edited by tabbycat -- 1/4/2005 4:42:13 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: D/s and Virginity - 1/4/2005 4:47:35 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

i've had offers that help me become less "pure" thus take away that problem- what i want to ask is- i am i holding out for something i shouldn't be? i would love my first time to be with MY Dom- not someone with no emotional ties to me. Do i wait for a relaionship and that "click" or just do it? Maybe i'm just making to big a deal about the first time. Any advise would be very helpful-

I have a 38 year old friend in this same position. She is a virgin still because of religious beliefs. So, I have to ask, how old are you? Why are you a virgin? If it is a belief or not. Or just dumb luck? Kids today, have sex at a very young age. So, no matter how old you are now you've waited for some reason.
First times really are'nt all they are stacked up to be, at least in my opinion. Although when I had sex my first time. It was also the males first time. We knew what we were doing, yet at the same time we didn't know what we were doing. We knew where things went and what to do. But no practical experience.
So, as you educate yourself you get better and sex becomes more rewarding.
As far as your question goes only you can answer it. Only you know why you have saved yourself. It sounds as if you want it to be with someone you love. That should not be an issue at all. I can see how many would want to take advantage of your virginity. It also sounds like you know how to weed through them.
So, you're doing well. It is just up to you if it is right morally to save your virginity for the right person. Or to give it to just anybody.
My advice to my friend was to stop telling people she was a virgin. It did keep a lot of the virginity predators away. She is yet to meet the man of her dreams. At the same time she doesn't have men wanting to take her out on one night stands anymore either.
Just follow whatever your heart is telling you and you'll know when it is right.

(in reply to tabbycat)

Post #: 2

RE: D/s and Virginity - 1/4/2005 4:59:43 PM

tabbycat

Posts: 23
Joined: 6/29/2004
Status: offline

i'm 21 years old and i'm a virgin becuause i haven't found someone i wanted to be with that way. i've always felt submissive, and i want to relationship with the D/s. So no i'm not waiting for marrige- i've been waiting for (you're right) someon that would care as much about me, as i would care for them. i tried but i can't get myself to remove the emotions from sexual acts. (Hard combo for most men it seems) And thank you for the reply.

~tabby

(in reply to sub4hire)

Post #: 3

RE: D/s and Virginity - 1/4/2005 5:09:29 PM

INSIDEYOURMIND

Posts: 483
Status: offline

Speaking from the side of the fence where decisions are made with the small head at times, I will add my opinion.

Your virginity is a trophy, or a merit badge for men, they want to know that they were the one, and not with the same meaning as the "One" you discuss.

Bdsm has everything to do with honor, respect, and trust, when you find a Dom that is looking at you as the prize, as opposed to your virginity, then and only then will you be sure.

It is your body until you give it willingly.

_____________________________

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How would you know?

(in reply to tabbycat)

Post #: 4

RE: D/s and Virginity - 1/4/2005 5:27:37 PM

tabbycat

Posts: 23
Joined: 6/29/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: INSIDEYOURMIND

Speaking from the side of the fence where decisions are made with the small head at times, I will add my opinion.

Your virginity is a trophy, or a merit badge for men, they want to know that they were the one, and not with the same meaning as the "One" you discuss.

Bdsm has everything to do with honor, respect, and trust, when you find a Dom that is looking at you as the prize, as opposed to your virginity, then and only then will you be sure.

It is your body until you give it willingly.

i like the way you put that very much!

(in reply to INSIDEYOURMIND)

Post #: 5

RE: D/s and Virginity - 1/4/2005 6:06:55 PM

SirTyson

Posts: 126
Joined: 12/8/2004
From: Chicago, Il
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Dont do it just do it. You will most likely regret it afterwards. There is nothing wrong with waiting until you feel right about it. And thats the main thing, how you feel about it. INSIDEYOURMIND was right on point when He said "Bdsm has everything to do with honor, respect, and trust, when you find a Dom that is looking at you as the prize, as opposed to your virginity, then and only then will you be sure."

BDSM is much more then just sex, and and if they want to skip to the sex right away then they dont respect you and honor you as a sub. A Dom should understand your virginity is something special and should be honored that you would want to give it to Him just as a Dom should be honored that you chose to submit yourself to him. Who your decide to submit yourself to as a sub is your choice, just as who you decide to give your virginity to. Make sure its someone you feel comfortable with and you'll be glad you waited because then it will feel right and feel special to you and Him.

(in reply to tabbycat)

Post #: 6

RE: D/s and Virginity - 1/4/2005 6:37:57 PM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline

Also, one doesn't have to be sexual at all to be in a power exchange situation. I chose to remain a virgin (negotiated it in advance, as a matter of personal believe) for quite a while after I become invovled in BDSM. My first partners knew that vaginal/anal penetration wasn't on the table, and did everything else.

I guess what I'm saying is that with the right partners, one can do what one wants to. If you'd like to explore BDSM while keeping your own sexual exploration reserved for a special or commited relationship, well, I'm proof that it can be done.

If potential partners are having a problem with the fact that you are a virgin, well, they -can't- be the right partners for you, eh?

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to SirTyson)

Post #: 7

RE: D/s and Virginity - 1/4/2005 7:07:11 PM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
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It is a gift, the right Dom will know how valued you are, stand tall and proud little one.

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Post #: 8

RE: D/s and Virginity - 1/4/2005 7:52:33 PM

bumblebee

Posts: 29
Joined: 12/1/2004
Status: offline

I was thrilled to see your post tabbycat as I'm in the same boat as you but wasn't brave enough to post myself. I've found similar reactions from prospective Doms. Some were scared off and some were way too interested for the wrong reasons.
I see it as just another part of what makes me who I am like hair colour or height or personality. Some Men will find the whole package attractive and others will not. I think the answer is just to keep sorting through until you find the right "One".

Thanks again for posting. I thought I must be the only one.

(in reply to tabbycat)

Post #: 9

RE: D/s and Virginity - 1/4/2005 9:12:17 PM

topcat

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline

Midear Tabby-

Wow- That would daunt me.

Being the first Dominant is tricky enough, But I have managed to step up to it a few times. Being her first lover is really tricky, But I have had the honor, and it's gone well.

But both in one package? That might be a bit too much pressure for most men, and is certainly bait for males who wouldn't qualify as men in my book.

Just between us cats- Most male dominants are hyper-responsible, and you could ruin the poor guy for his fear of ruining you...

I think the best way to approch it is to take personal responsibilty for your shameful condition, and really make it clear that this is something you are determined to get, and mean it.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to tabbycat)

Post #: 10

RE: D/s and Virginity - 1/4/2005 9:15:25 PM

SirTyson

Posts: 126
Joined: 12/8/2004
From: Chicago, Il
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: topcat

Just between us cats- Most male dominants are hyper-responsible, and you could ruin the poor guy for his fear of ruining you...

Stay warm,
Lawrence

You let out our secret Lawrence!!!! LOL!!!

(in reply to topcat)

Post #: 11

RE: D/s and Virginity - 1/4/2005 9:51:13 PM

happypervert

Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline

quote:

First this from Insideyourmind:

Bdsm has everything to do with honor, respect, and trust

and then this from Topcat:

Most male dominants are hyper-responsible

Well gents, I think you are painting an unrealistically rosy picture of the guys she could expect to meet. Though those statements would apply if she met either of you, there is really no reason to expect that she couldn't also encounter a fair share of cads, rakes, rogues, jerks, liars and assholes just as she would in the vanilla world.

So I'm just tossing this in so she be aware that if she is lucky and/or careful she'll eventually meet up with guys with the values you describe, but she shouldn't enter into any relationship with blinders on either.

_____________________________

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(in reply to INSIDEYOURMIND)

Post #: 12

RE: D/s and Virginity - 1/4/2005 11:17:51 PM

tabbycat

Posts: 23
Joined: 6/29/2004
Status: offline

WOW! i want to thank you all for everything you have said. i'm honored at the amount of thought you have put into this for me, and by how welcoming you have all been. i've been reading here for a while now so i know how wise some of you are (unless you're just really really good at faking it

)

i'm also glad to know i'm not the only sub that has had this problem. i hope to take this advise with me and remind myself that good things are with waiting for. Maybe if i'm not as shy around here i'll be able to learn a little more- so good or bad you might be hearing more from me. (don't worry i'm always fairly nice, i promise)

~tabbycat

(in reply to happypervert)

Post #: 13

RE: D/s and Virginity - 1/5/2005 6:09:20 AM

topcat

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline

quote:

Well gents, I think you are painting an unrealistically rosy picture of the guys she could expect to meet. Though those statements would apply if she met either of you, there is really no reason to expect that she couldn't also encounter a fair share of cads, rakes, rogues, jerks, liars and assholes just as she would in the vanilla world.

M.HP-

I quite agree, and in fact think our melieu has more cads, bounders, creeps and mashers that the general populance. I did breifly differentiate between 'men' and 'males', but should have also offered 'dimdomwannabes' as a contrast to 'male dominants'.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to happypervert)

Post #: 14

RE: D/s and Virginity - 1/6/2005 11:43:15 PM

Suleiman

Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline

Well, hon, my first time was in a BDSM context, and while we never entered into a formalized or long-term relationship, I can honestly say that I am no worse for the wear (aside, perhaps, from being a little jaded in my tastes). Virginity does often have the problems you mentioned - either scaring off prospective dominants because they don't want to deal with the risk that it's just a phase you're going through, or else attracting the blowjob doms who just want the opportunity to be your first - but if this is how you want your first time to be, then by all means go for it.

Really, whether leather or nilla, you should hold off until it feels right. Unfortunately, there is no concrete way to define the rightness of a situation, which is why poets, rather than engineers, are in the business of discussing love. If you find a top, and it feels right, go for it. Personally, I'd suggest finding someone who's willing to play with you in a non-sexual context first, so that you can gauge the rightness of the scene. Obviously, it helps if you're involved in the local community, and can find people to vouch for the character and quality of your prospective dom (but that's true for everybody, really).

I still vividly remember that first date, the little dungeon in his basement, how nervous I was. Being a sub meant that I didn't have to know what I was doing, I didn't have to 'perform' at all - all I had to do was obey. Later, after the scene, when we went to bed, I fell asleep wondering how far we would go, and I decided that I was willing to go as far as he wanted. I can honestly say I have no regrets about that decision.

_____________________________

Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

(in reply to tabbycat)

Post #: 15

RE: D/s and Virginity - 1/7/2005 7:07:40 AM

cynnacent1

Posts: 340
Joined: 6/25/2004
From: Massachusetts
Status: offline

As i have already replied to the message you'd sent, i won't repeat the same thoughts here. As i agree with all of the advice others have offered here, i won't offer my comments regarding what has already been addressed by others either.

quote:

i tried but i can't get myself to remove the emotions from sexual acts. (Hard combo for most men it seems)

True that studies show that many men do not relate quite as emotionally as women regarding sex. i'm not buying it. When speaking of men who enjoy D/s that does include sex, i would tend to think that these men might indeed have a tendency to bring their own emotions into the scene, on a different level no doubt, but still, i say many do. Otherwise, i'd like to know what else 'Dom space' would indicate. i do know that 'sub space' as discussed on other threads of the forum, exists as heightened emotional state. Would 'Dom space' not be comparable in this sense? Is Dom space not an emotional state? Putting the discussion of 'Dom space' aside, when a man enjoys the act of dominating with 'sexual' dominance taking place, is that enjoyment he experiences 'sexually' not also an emotional response? i don't take claim to knowing a whole lot about what a Dom may or may not experience emotionally, yet i won't buy into the generalizations of statements which claim that ALL men are not capable of and/or do not respond emotionally during sexual acts.
Why should you even try to change the way you relate to sexual acts emotionally? Would it benefit you if you did? Would you be happy with a man who does not identify emotionally on a sexual level? Rather than entertain the thought in suggesting that you should change, i would suggest that you practice patience in the search for the right Dom for you, rather than settle for a man who can't identify on an emotional level in regard to any sexual act, if that is what you need and want.

you've received plenty of good advice here on this thread from all who have replied. It's nice to see you are participating, welcome to the collarme forums.

¸,ø¤º°cynnacent°º¤ø,¸ (proudly owned by, and devoted to INSIDEYOURMIND)

< Message edited by cynnacent1 -- 1/7/2005 7:17:48 AM >

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(in reply to tabbycat)

Post #: 16

RE: D/s and Virginity - 1/7/2005 4:45:27 PM

txparanoid

Posts: 31
Joined: 12/31/2004
Status: offline

Here's the great thing about being a virgin by choice: You can change your mind at any time.

(in reply to sub4hire)

Post #: 17

RE: D/s and Virginity - 1/7/2005 4:57:21 PM

Calinewbie

Posts: 1
Joined: 12/28/2004
Status: offline

This is going to sound cheesy but thank you for posting, I'm in the same position and am generally pretty shy about posting anything. It's nice to know I'm not the only virgin interested in the lifestyle. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

(in reply to txparanoid)

Post #: 18

RE: D/s and Virginity - 1/7/2005 11:52:31 PM

ShadeDiva

Posts: 1005
Joined: 3/31/2004
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: topcat
'dimdomwannabes' as a contrast to 'male dominants'.

I use the term domlets, myself, when needing to make that distinction. Plus it's easier to type LOL!

~ShadeDiva

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(in reply to topcat)

Post #: 19

RE: D/s and Virginity - 1/8/2005 3:47:52 AM

EStrict

Posts: 729
Joined: 1/11/2004
Status: offline

I have always went was best for me. From everything I heard, the first time wasn't the best, and everyone I knew who had it with the only person they were ever with seemed to have thoughts of if they had shorted themselves of other experiences. I had an older sister and judged a lot by what I heard her friends complain about. I was a virgin until I was 18 (well that could be argued, but a different topic), and the first time I had I sex, I chose a guy I found cute but shallow that I wouldn't mind disliking for not giving me the best experience. He didn't disappoint as he only survived about 3 strokes, even though I suffered the *pain* of entry.

I laugh about how serious he was in what he told me knowing all he told his friends at the same time, and never regret that *I* am the one to chose how to get over the unpleasantness and many other experiences I allowed myself between then and finding Master. I have no regrets, nor will I ever as I have tried more things in my life than most and have learned the that like the only stupid question is the one not asked, the only truly regrettable chosen experience is the one you chose to forgo....

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Sandy

Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway...

(in reply to ShadeDiva)

Post #: 20

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