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Uncertain Sub?? - 9/2/2006 8:50:53 PM   
GirlyDevil


Posts: 104
Joined: 6/11/2006
Status: offline 		I have been talking with a possible new sub, but he seems uncertain as far as what he wants or how to approach me. I have attempted to reassure him that I will be somewhat easy yet strict on our first play time, he's a new inexperienced sub. But to me it seems like he doesn't really know how to act. A couple examples is that he doesn't like going out for lunch/dinner even if it is a cheap eating. And should we go out, which may take a while, he isn't into talking to the host/hostess about getting a table. Am I asking too much of him? Is there any suggestions that I may bring him out a little more?
   Thank you to everyone
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Uncertain Sub?? - 9/2/2006 8:52:53 PM   
Homestead


Posts: 1005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GirlyDevil

I have been talking with a possible new sub, but he seems uncertain as far as what he wants or how to approach me. I have attempted to reassure him that I will be somewhat easy yet strict on our first play time, he's a new inexperienced sub. But to me it seems like he doesn't really know how to act. A couple examples is that he doesn't like going out for lunch/dinner even if it is a cheap eating. And should we go out, which may take a while, he isn't into talking to the host/hostess about getting a table. Am I asking too much of him? Is there any suggestions that I may bring him out a little more?
  Thank you to everyone


I think he may want you to lead, until he knows your ways a bit better.

(in reply to GirlyDevil)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Uncertain Sub?? - 9/2/2006 9:16:12 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GirlyDevil

I have been talking with a possible new sub, but he seems uncertain as far as what he wants or how to approach me. I have attempted to reassure him that I will be somewhat easy yet strict on our first play time, he's a new inexperienced sub. But to me it seems like he doesn't really know how to act. A couple examples is that he doesn't like going out for lunch/dinner even if it is a cheap eating. And should we go out, which may take a while, he isn't into talking to the host/hostess about getting a table. Am I asking too much of him? Is there any suggestions that I may bring him out a little more?
  Thank you to everyone

Do you know eachother offline?  That would change the advice I would give.

I think as long as you make it clear what your expectations are, then it should not be a problem.  Why not meet for coffee and cruellers instead? 

Or you could take it as clear signs that you aren't interested and say goodbye.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to GirlyDevil)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Uncertain Sub?? - 9/2/2006 9:22:34 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		If he is a very shy person, you arent going to be able to really bring that out until after youve met face to face. What exactly is his objection to going out to eat?  Does it hae to do with the social interaction, or the money? Sometimes, people are just not comfortable in a restaurant setting, especialy when they are meeting a domme for the first time and would prefer a more laid back venue.
Coffee is usually my icebreaker.  You pay ahead of time, you dont have to wait for a bill. Strange as that sounds, that is the sacary part. If things arent going well, you are trapped together until the bill arrives, and yuo either pay it or split it up. Maybe you might want to suggest something like that and see if he takes better to it.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Uncertain Sub?? - 9/2/2006 9:32:39 PM   
Sirandlittle1


Posts: 538
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline 		If he's new, of course he's uncertain. As a newbie, you have NO idea what to expect of the Dom/me, or what the Dom/me expects of you. Clarification of exactly what will transpire, what he is expected to do, and what he can expect of you should sort things out.
ie. We will meet for a coffee at such a place, we'll spend a hour chatting together and getting to know each other socially. At the end of which, we will go our separate ways. Try to remember you are communicating with a intelligent, just uneducated, vanilla.

Frankly, your being a little presumptious that there will be a play time that you can have the opportunity to be easy but strict? Supposing you dont push his particular buttons? I certainly had met quite a few Dom/mes before i found one i felt i could play with.
As for not being willing to ask a waiter for a table for two? ummm, if this were a vanilla situation, and the guy cant even order a table????? good luck! Sounds a little like a invertibrae to me.
littleone

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Uncertain Sub?? - 9/2/2006 10:10:53 PM   
cherylann


Posts: 11
Joined: 7/9/2006
Status: offline 		Pardon me for interrupting, but I thought I might post my thoughts as im in the same siduation (as a sub).

Its difficult to take the leap from online into real-life. Its one thing to imagine and talk about things happening, but its very different and more frightening to make it a reality. It took me a long time to give out my address to a local Dom I met here, and though he ultimately decided not to meet me, the three times we almost met had me extremely nervous. I dont know what to expect. What do I talk about? how do I act? is he going to be disappointed to meet me? What the heck am I doing? all those thoughts were running thru my mind. I call it the scared bunny rabbit feeling, and it still gets me when I come anywhere close to doing something in real life. It may take a lot longer than you want for him/her to really be ready to meet. I know I wouldnt want a Mistress/Master to give up, because it would discourage me from trying to pursue the lifestyle.

If you have the patience for him, then give him time, hold his hand and be patient. you can punish him for it later.


ever kneeling,
cheryl-ann

(in reply to Sirandlittle1)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Uncertain Sub?? - 9/2/2006 10:17:43 PM   
michaelGA2


Posts: 1533
Joined: 4/26/2006
Status: offline 		since i have never had any real life experience, i am in the same boat. i only know what everyone talks about and what the basics of the lifestyle is. as far as practical usage of this knowledge...that eludes me.

_____________________________

Are we having fun, yet?

(in reply to GirlyDevil)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Uncertain Sub?? - 9/2/2006 10:23:52 PM   
Sirandlittle1


Posts: 538
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline 		Id just like to add something. From a sub perspective, from a female perspective, from a lover's perspective.
The courting, the flirting, the anticipation, the fantasy, the chase. That is beautiful, and if you have the patience, should be as protracted as possible for the parties involved, it only happens once.
From a D/s perspective, time taken in getting to know each other, pays dividends.
littleone

(in reply to michaelGA2)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Uncertain Sub?? - 9/2/2006 10:25:02 PM   
mstrj69


Posts: 295
Joined: 5/27/2004
Status: offline 		Nervousness in first meeting is more extreme if you do not have a munch group in the area or a major event that you can both go to and meet there.  If you can find a major event or even a minor one or a munch going on someplace where you could both drive to it and would not have to give out home addresses if you did not want to and where you would be expected to act like a normal human being, not a submissive nor a dominant or whatever the case might be.  Take your time and rememberring the first meeting is not a collarring ceremony but just a chance for two people to meet and say hello and how are you.  Good luck to everyone expecting to meet someone for the first time.  John

(in reply to cherylann)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Uncertain Sub?? - 9/2/2006 10:32:40 PM   
Sunshine119


Posts: 611
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GirlyDevil

I have been talking with a possible new sub, but he seems uncertain as far as what he wants or how to approach me. I have attempted to reassure him that I will be somewhat easy yet strict on our first play time, he's a new inexperienced sub. But to me it seems like he doesn't really know how to act. A couple examples is that he doesn't like going out for lunch/dinner even if it is a cheap eating. And should we go out, which may take a while, he isn't into talking to the host/hostess about getting a table. Am I asking too much of him? Is there any suggestions that I may bring him out a little more?
  Thank you to everyone


Girly,

I hate to say this, but you are young.  In your profile you state that you've had a number of subs who you had to let go (except for one).  You seem to want a large poly family. 

If you can't lead, either your age or lack of experience is showing.  Why not keep to the one sub you have until you figure out all the pieces, gain some experience and are strong enough to know how to bring a shy guy out of his shell.




_____________________________


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

(in reply to GirlyDevil)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Uncertain Sub?? - 9/2/2006 10:39:35 PM   
mstrj69


Posts: 295
Joined: 5/27/2004
Status: offline 		I tried to email this to you but as I am not a sub and over 34 I am going to post it here also.  Your original post has you sounding like you are unsure of yourself and not ready to take control.  Per your profile, you should be taking charge and from what I read tell him to move on as he is not what you want per your profile.   Maybe he is getting this feeling of indecisiveness from your phone calls and that does not coincide with your profile so he is not sure if you are for real or the one for him.

(in reply to mstrj69)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Uncertain Sub?? - 9/3/2006 9:17:13 AM   
GirlyDevil


Posts: 104
Joined: 6/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: GirlyDevil

I have been talking with a possible new sub, but he seems uncertain as far as what he wants or how to approach me. I have attempted to reassure him that I will be somewhat easy yet strict on our first play time, he's a new inexperienced sub. But to me it seems like he doesn't really know how to act. A couple examples is that he doesn't like going out for lunch/dinner even if it is a cheap eating. And should we go out, which may take a while, he isn't into talking to the host/hostess about getting a table. Am I asking too much of him? Is there any suggestions that I may bring him out a little more?
Thank you to everyone

Do you know eachother offline?  That would change the advice I would give.

I think as long as you make it clear what your expectations are, then it should not be a problem.  Why not meet for coffee and cruellers instead? 

Or you could take it as clear signs that you aren't interested and say goodbye.


I don't know him offline yet. Since he's not sure how to approach me about asking to meet

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Uncertain Sub?? - 9/3/2006 9:29:13 AM   
GirlyDevil


Posts: 104
Joined: 6/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

If he is a very shy person, you arent going to be able to really bring that out until after youve met face to face. What exactly is his objection to going out to eat?  Does it hae to do with the social interaction, or the money? Sometimes, people are just not comfortable in a restaurant setting, especialy when they are meeting a domme for the first time and would prefer a more laid back venue.
Coffee is usually my icebreaker.  You pay ahead of time, you dont have to wait for a bill. Strange as that sounds, that is the sacary part. If things arent going well, you are trapped together until the bill arrives, and yuo either pay it or split it up. Maybe you might want to suggest something like that and see if he takes better to it.

DV



Going out for lunch at Chili's, Chipoltes, Qdoba, etc. So nothing too expensive. He has no car and money is tight for him, as is for me as well. I suggested coffee but he would rather go to a park and hangout. That's pretty much what I got out of him

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Uncertain Sub?? - 9/3/2006 9:32:38 AM   
GirlyDevil


Posts: 104
Joined: 6/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sirandlittle1

If he's new, of course he's uncertain. As a newbie, you have NO idea what to expect of the Dom/me, or what the Dom/me expects of you. Clarification of exactly what will transpire, what he is expected to do, and what he can expect of you should sort things out.
ie. We will meet for a coffee at such a place, we'll spend a hour chatting together and getting to know each other socially. At the end of which, we will go our separate ways. Try to remember you are communicating with a intelligent, just uneducated, vanilla.

Frankly, your being a little presumptious that there will be a play time that you can have the opportunity to be easy but strict? Supposing you dont push his particular buttons? I certainly had met quite a few Dom/mes before i found one i felt i could play with.
As for not being willing to ask a waiter for a table for two? ummm, if this were a vanilla situation, and the guy cant even order a table????? good luck! Sounds a little like a invertibrae to me.
littleone



I have told him that once we do feel comfortable with each other than we can discuss play time, until then it would just be casual friends. He's had a vanilla relationship before and was always the shy one, hence the reason why he doesn't feel comfortable getting a table

(in reply to Sirandlittle1)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Uncertain Sub?? - 9/3/2006 9:33:18 AM   
Mavis


Posts: 828
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GirlyDevil

I don't know him offline yet. Since he's not sure how to approach me about asking to meet


Um... ok.. than how exactly do You know he DOES want to meet?   am i hearing this right..  the guy wants a date but hasn't asked?   

If You know he wants to meet, then appearantly he DOES know how to approach You about meeting, because You got the message. 

If not, then are You using the crystal ball "I know he wants me" system?

(in reply to GirlyDevil)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Uncertain Sub?? - 9/3/2006 9:38:52 AM   
GirlyDevil


Posts: 104
Joined: 6/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunshine119

quote:

ORIGINAL: GirlyDevil

I have been talking with a possible new sub, but he seems uncertain as far as what he wants or how to approach me. I have attempted to reassure him that I will be somewhat easy yet strict on our first play time, he's a new inexperienced sub. But to me it seems like he doesn't really know how to act. A couple examples is that he doesn't like going out for lunch/dinner even if it is a cheap eating. And should we go out, which may take a while, he isn't into talking to the host/hostess about getting a table. Am I asking too much of him? Is there any suggestions that I may bring him out a little more?
Thank you to everyone


Girly,

I hate to say this, but you are young.  In your profile you state that you've had a number of subs who you had to let go (except for one).  You seem to want a large poly family. 

If you can't lead, either your age or lack of experience is showing.  Why not keep to the one sub you have until you figure out all the pieces, gain some experience and are strong enough to know how to bring a shy guy out of his shell.






I've had 4 at the most, and some of them have either lied various times, or have disrespected me in ways that I would've considered very rude

(in reply to Sunshine119)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Uncertain Sub?? - 9/3/2006 9:42:13 AM   
GirlyDevil


Posts: 104
Joined: 6/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mstrj69

I tried to email this to you but as I am not a sub and over 34 I am going to post it here also.  Your original post has you sounding like you are unsure of yourself and not ready to take control.  Per your profile, you should be taking charge and from what I read tell him to move on as he is not what you want per your profile.   Maybe he is getting this feeling of indecisiveness from your phone calls and that does not coincide with your profile so he is not sure if you are for real or the one for him.


So far I have not called him and vice versa, I don't like to give out my number.

(in reply to mstrj69)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Uncertain Sub?? - 9/4/2006 8:14:14 AM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cherylann

Pardon me for interrupting, but I thought I might post my thoughts as im in the same siduation (as a sub).

Its difficult to take the leap from online into real-life. Its one thing to imagine and talk about things happening, but its very different and more frightening to make it a reality. It took me a long time to give out my address to a local Dom I met here, and though he ultimately decided not to meet me, the three times we almost met had me extremely nervous. I dont know what to expect. What do I talk about? how do I act? is he going to be disappointed to meet me? What the heck am I doing? all those thoughts were running thru my mind. I call it the scared bunny rabbit feeling, and it still gets me when I come anywhere close to doing something in real life. It may take a lot longer than you want for him/her to really be ready to meet. I know I wouldnt want a Mistress/Master to give up, because it would discourage me from trying to pursue the lifestyle.

If you have the patience for him, then give him time, hold his hand and be patient. you can punish him for it later.


This is one of the reasons that I get a cell number for someone I'm meeting. If I can't get them on the phone within a half hour of our meet time I don't go because they aren't going to show up. Freak outs about meets are normal. This is one reason that I don't get a home address until we've met. This decreases the fear factor a little bit. Meeting in public decreases it another bit. I just tell them we're meeting for coffee, what we discuss we'll work out then. I usually go dressed as comfortably (while still sylish) as I can, the "normal factor" tends to relax them a little more. I drop subtle private hints about kink but normally won't discuss it at all for at least an hour. It's fun looking at them wondering when is she going to get Domly and whip me or boss me around? Waiting for them to want it makes things easier in my book.
While I respect subs limits and voicing their opinions especially up front, I think someone telling me that they don't go here and don't do that when these are things I greatly enjoy with a companion I'm seeing red flags. Not to say I'm going to dismiss someone that doesn't like coffee but a failure to compromise or give options is a hint of things to come.  

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to cherylann)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Uncertain Sub?? - 9/4/2006 8:21:33 AM   
DivaDuchess


Posts: 402
Joined: 8/17/2006
Status: offline 		Before play or scene work ... there is getting to know a person as a person.  A simple conversation works good with Me and my Mate.  Small talk, coffee and perhaps snacks.  Do NOT go somewhere like bowling ... first it's very noisy and second you spend the night with your butt facing them and visa versa, though that may be a good thing if you hit it off, you'll know how much rope you need *lol*.  Seriously ... just talk to him.  A normal conversation about interests, likes, dislikes ... heck, throw in politics and everyone's health.  Ice breakers.  If he still will not open up or communicate, back away.

_____________________________

Duchess

Courage is not the absence of Fear,
But rather the judgement that,
Something else is more important than Fear.

The Brave may not live forever,
But the Cautious do not live at all.

(in reply to theRose4U)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Uncertain Sub?? - 9/4/2006 8:23:11 AM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

So far I have not called him and vice versa, I don't like to give out my number.

So get a throw away cell phone, plug a phone into your modem line, use Skype or msn voice chat. There are TONS of ways to speak with someone that don't risk your privacy. I think you're as worried about this as he is. If you're not willing to take the forward steps of hey meet me here at this time on this day or come up with a solution to the phone issue you don't want this guy, you're going through the motions. If there's someone you really click with the urge to meet consumes you, if you yourself come up with reasons to justify his behavior and your reluctance it's not happening and probably better that you move on.

< Message edited by theRose4U -- 9/4/2006 8:24:15 AM >

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to theRose4U)
Profile   Post #: 20
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