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Jumping the gun/too hesitant - 9/3/2006 2:04:07 AM

Aine

Posts: 820
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline

Maybe it's just me.

Do people seem to be jumping into this lifestyle (And yes,people, this is a LIFESTYLE....there are things you (haveto) should learn!!!), calling themselves Masters and Mistresses when it's blatantly obvious that they can't control themselves let alone handle someone else placing themselves and their hearts/souls/lives in their hands? Perhaps this is just a late night hazy rant. But this is a huge pet peeve of mine.

I completely understand asking others for advice. But....wait for it....yep, it's an idea! Why not wait until y'all have at least a rudimentary grasp of what it means to actually have that kind of responsibility?!

Am I just too damned hesitant when it comes to stuff like this or am I way off in my feelings? I've been studying this lifestyle for about 4 years now...only one year active and even though I have some dear friends that have huge faith and foresight in me to be both a great submissive and a wonderful Mistress....I just don't feel comfortable with giving myself any kind of title. I'm a switch. I ain't a professional. I've got limited rt experience. I aspire to maybe one day be as confident as those are around me of who I might become.

Meh...bring the flames, I'm all too tired...I probably won't even remember posting this in the morning.

_____________________________

Honey, you obviously missed the "want to be used as a toilet fetish" thread or "where do I get instructions on setting my sub on fire" thread. LOL

Thank you, DelRay for that one.

Post #: 1

RE: Jumping the gun/too hesitant - 9/3/2006 2:14:42 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

No, there is nothing wrong with you (that idea strikes me as ludicrous). You're just smart and responsible (probably very honest, too). I'm sure not going to flame anyone for that. I don't usually flame - I think it's a waste of time. Every so often, about every hundred years, I do get mad, and then maybe write something kinda pointed. But - I'd never get mad at a post I really can agree with, as I do this one. But, I have my own personal reaons for "waiting to dive into the poolo" so to speak. I've had a bdsm relationship before, but it was with someone I'd known awhile, and trusted already.
Welcome!

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 9/3/2006 3:14:45 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Aine)

Post #: 2

RE: Jumping the gun/too hesitant - 9/3/2006 3:11:13 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aine

I completely understand asking others for advice. But....wait for it....yep, it's an idea! Why not wait until y'all have at least a rudimentary grasp of what it means to actually have that kind of responsibility?!

Given that many people are drawn to the lifestyle by their own fantasies and inner needs in general, I think it's quite understandable that they don't wanna just wait around outside once that door opens to them.

I've long since ceased to be amazed at just how trusting the couple of newbies I've been acquainted with were in order to experience the D/s dynamic. It does make me wonder about those who have also trusted readily only to discover that trust was misplaced and undeserved....

You can learn much from other people's mistakes but it's also true that sometimes you just hafta stick your own finger in the flame to appreciate what getting burnt means. Almost everyone thinks "it won't happen to me..." You can post all the warning signs you like but often you're just daring people to prove it won't happen to them - think "Wet Paint"....

Focus.

(in reply to Aine)

Post #: 3

RE: Jumping the gun/too hesitant - 9/3/2006 3:16:09 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

I don't care what other people do, and am not a member of the "saefety police", or anything, but yeah - I seem to see what you see, too. A lot. Appearances can be deceiving, but there are some folks who write stuff that is alarming at times, and I just kinda want to say a prayer for them that they are okay.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 9/3/2006 3:18:12 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 4

RE: Jumping the gun/too hesitant - 9/3/2006 3:31:09 AM

ExSteelAgain

Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline

Yes, it is absolutely something that needs to be said often. Most subs getting into this thing are screwed over by their desires. I have met women who had never done anything, but wanted to experience the passion that we all know it provides. Once they are flogged and spaced, a strong bond is going to be in place that can hurt the sub so much if the Dom does not show respect in every since of the word.

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 5

RE: Jumping the gun/too hesitant - 9/3/2006 3:58:43 AM

FangsNfeet

Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline

At some point, most people want to try something atleast once. However the experience works out, it changes a small part in you causing a slant view in the discovery of who you are or want to be and what you want.

No matter what you call yourself in the beginning, you either find yourself changing that title or become what most expect the term to really be.

In my younger days, my first experiences had me thinking that being a Dom was just for kinky sex in the bedroom where I was the one tieing people up and giving some torture/roughness. However, I've evolved to better fit the discription by being in more controll in more than just the sexual aspect of a relationship. It took a little time to get there but still find my self not being perfect.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to Aine)

Post #: 6

RE: Jumping the gun/too hesitant - 9/3/2006 5:12:33 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

It amazes me sometimes how people in their enthusiasm leave common sense at home. i understand it to a point but i would rather not trust my body with someone i couldn't trust to hold my credit card. Does that make me "too hesitant"? It's just that i'm at an age where i know where i am and where i would like to go. Really, i think people should crawl before they walk, walk before they run and run before they attempt the high-hurdles.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to FangsNfeet)

Post #: 7

RE: Jumping the gun/too hesitant - 9/3/2006 5:58:55 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

It's not something exclusive to those who identify as Dominant....subs/slaves/switches are just as guilty. For some reason many new people leave their brains at the door upon entering. There are plenty of fools rushing in of all orientations.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Aine)

Post #: 8

RE: Jumping the gun/too hesitant - 9/3/2006 6:01:21 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened
i would rather not trust my body with someone i couldn't trust to hold my credit card.

I just love this. I would venture a guess and say that if you asked most of the people who meet and play with a stranger if they would trust their credit card with that person the answer would be no. Odd how we place things of monetary value above the value we place on ourselves.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to eyesopened)

Post #: 9

RE: Jumping the gun/too hesitant - 9/3/2006 7:26:42 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

Im not going to flame you. Some people that play roleplaying games online use titles that they do not have the right to all the time. I see those you are talking about as people who are into online roleplaying perhaps. I could call myself Queen_NuNu on my massively multiplayer online roleplaying game, but it wouldn't make me a real queen.

I do not agree on one account, I do not think that one needs a vast amount of experience to know if they are a submissive or a dominant. I think it would be advisable for them to get experience before making commitments in WIITWD, but as someone who researched about as long as you, and has about the same amount of real life experience as you, I knew I was a submissive right away. I have never had the inclination or desire to switch.

There are as many newbies discovering WIITWD now as when I was first introduced to it, they are often as clueless now as they ever were... there are an incredible amount of "with it" people here that have little or no experience too. I thinnk that people in general are often foolhardy in how they approach sexuality, and for some this is just something to explore sexually.

As far as your hesitancy, I think most people rush into things much too quickly, and it is refreshing to see someone that doesn't! Only you can decide what's right for you after.

Interesting thread

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Aine)

Post #: 10

RE: Jumping the gun/too hesitant - 9/3/2006 7:42:47 AM

spankmepink11

Posts: 1310
Joined: 9/28/2005
Status: offline

Aine,

How refreshing, of course there is nothing wrong with taking your time. I studied the lifestyle for a couple of years before i waded into the pool. (so to speak).

Once again, others have voiced my opinions much better than i could, i think eyesopened and ExSteel's posts summed it up nicely.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 11

RE: Jumping the gun/too hesitant - 9/3/2006 7:43:23 AM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

i think it's a smart thing not to "dive right in" to anything. People who take the time to observe and educate themselves will bring quality experiences to themselves as well as others. i read your profile and it says you are in a monogomous relatioship with your boyfriend, perhaps in this loving and safe realtionship you can get your feet a little wet and try out some things - probably did already :-)

i have been in chat forums for a number of years and i have found that many go there, and intend to stay there keeping this whole "lifestyle" a fantasy. They say they intend to meet others rt, and maybe, to be fair to them, they delude themselves into thinking they will. But you see them there year after year playing at the same game... sad really. Then there are others who make up multiple profiles so they can lie to multiple people. What it is they get out of it i have no clue. Seems time could be better spent serving food in a soup kitchen if you ask me.

i applaud your "hesitancy" it tells me you want to know what you are doing, before you actually do it, you're responsible, and thats a wonderful quality.

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to Aine)

Post #: 12

RE: Jumping the gun/too hesitant - 9/3/2006 7:58:10 AM

Sunshine119

Posts: 611
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aine

Do people seem to be jumping into this lifestyle (And yes,people, this is a LIFESTYLE....there are things you (haveto) should learn!!!), calling themselves Masters and Mistresses when it's blatantly obvious that they can't control themselves let alone handle someone else placing themselves and their hearts/souls/lives in their hands?

I've wanted to say this for a long time. There has been a ton of discussion about "subby fever" and how poor submissive women end up in bad places because they jumped at the first offer by a "Dom" and ended up getting used, abused, etc. I don't know how many times I've told new submissives to "take it slow" because the feelings are so overwhelming.

On the other hand, I have observed many, many people calling themselves Masters or Experienced Dominants asking questions someone with the most rudimentary understanding of this lifestyle should have. I see nothing wrong with newly discovered dominants asking questions about the lifestyle etc, but I am horrified when these new "doms" end up with new people living with them WHEN THEY HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE HOW TO MASTER THEMSELVES!!!!

You can tell how experienced they are by the questions they ask. Doms can, and do, cause damage. Just like a submissive, in subby fever, gets hit by reality in the face and she realizes that her new life doesn't just consist of lying in bed with her legs tied and being played with 24/7, new Doms need to figure out what to do with a submissive when they aren't playing! D/s is a lifestyle. BDSM can be only role playing at different times. Some of these new "Dominants" don't even know the difference.

The only way to become an experience Dominant is to first be a newby and admit it.

Sunshine

_____________________________

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

(in reply to Aine)

Post #: 13

RE: Jumping the gun/too hesitant - 9/3/2006 8:01:49 AM

Homestead

Posts: 1005
Status: offline

When I was new, I watched and learned.

When I had done this for a decade, I watched and learned.

I'm in no hurry.

(in reply to Sunshine119)

Post #: 14

RE: Jumping the gun/too hesitant - 9/3/2006 8:03:24 AM

greneyedjewel

Posts: 64
Joined: 9/26/2005
Status: offline

"It amazes me sometimes how people in their enthusiasm leave common sense at home. i understand it to a point but i would rather not trust my body with someone i couldn't trust to hold my credit card."

Eyes i agree with you 100%. i for one have had this interest and these desires for many years, i just never acted on them. When i did, it was with One who i talked to and become comfortable with, a situation that took a great amount of time for me, almost 6 months in fact. i have not seen Him in 8 months which is sad to me, but i suppose that is what He wanted. in that time i have met several i would talk to minimally and only 2 i would consent to having a session with.

For me, trust must be established before anything happens, if it isn't there, then i'm not there and no one can change my mind. This sentiment has caused many to retaliate by attacking my character and calling me names when they don't get what they want. thankfully these types are weeded out before a session happens and i'm only emotionally bruised and not physically. The one thing these people who have attacked me verbally have taught me is to stay strong in my beliefs and not back down until my trust and instincts tell me to.

It may take me quite a long time to find my One, but at least my body will not be wrecked and bruised and my mind will continue to stay intact.

_____________________________

"Boil thou first i' the charmed pot! For a charm of powerful trouble, Like a hell-broth boil and bubble. "

(in reply to velvetears)

Post #: 15

RE: Jumping the gun/too hesitant - 9/3/2006 10:31:08 AM

cherylann

Posts: 11
Joined: 7/9/2006
Status: offline

I must admit, I have jumped into this lifestyle, and I am jumping into my new life. I havent served anyone, been tied up, tortured or slept with anyone yet. However, while I do still need to work things for myself out I dont believe I need to know 100% before I try it. After all, that is how we test ourselves to see if our fantasies really match our desires. I am at the point in my life where I want to try this out. I believe it is right for me and I know I am submissive. What I dont know is if I can handle the ropes (so to speak), not to mention truely putting a Dom/me's wishes and choices above my own. I am not going to lead a person on, I am totally forward about things. I'm not going to take a collar without knowing them and myself better, it would be a dis-service to us both (and I take collars very seriously). When I meet up with someone I will be subservient to thier desires, wishes and choices. I wont know if I honestly can do that until I test myself with it.

So yes, I am jumping into this lifestyle... but is that so wrong?

ever kneeling,
cheryl-ann

(in reply to greneyedjewel)

Post #: 16

RE: Jumping the gun/too hesitant - 9/3/2006 10:40:32 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

I didnt quite dive in, I was more like thrown. My first expereince with the lifestyle was when my soon-to-be mentor asked me to watch her pets. Granted, it worked out well, becasue she had judged my abilities wel. However, it was a risky proposal, becasue it culd have just as easily freaked me out completely and ruined the friendship she and I had at that point.
After that, when I am getting to know a pet, I have learned to take things very slowly. It took 4 months to meet my boy face to face the first time. Another 2 before we saw one another the second (which is coming up in 10 days) and itll be a few months after that before I move down there.
Feeling out a situation is always better than rushing it. Taking too long might be a risk, but if there is something that is concerning you that makes you want or need that extra time, there is usualy a good reason for it. Instinct works out for me often, and when it just doesnt "feel right" nine times out of ten, it probably isnt.

My 2 cents
DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to cherylann)

Post #: 17

RE: Jumping the gun/too hesitant - 9/3/2006 10:46:37 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cherylann
So yes, I am jumping into this lifestyle... but is that so wrong?

Is it wrong?....well no

Does the practice of doing so have a history of working out well....um....Nope.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to cherylann)

Post #: 18

RE: Jumping the gun/too hesitant - 9/3/2006 11:17:41 AM

Aine

Posts: 820
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cherylann

I must admit, I have jumped into this lifestyle, and I am jumping into my new life. I havent served anyone, been tied up, tortured or slept with anyone yet. However, while I do still need to work things for myself out I dont believe I need to know 100% before I try it. After all, that is how we test ourselves to see if our fantasies really match our desires. I am at the point in my life where I want to try this out. I believe it is right for me and I know I am submissive. What I dont know is if I can handle the ropes (so to speak), not to mention truely putting a Dom/me's wishes and choices above my own. I am not going to lead a person on, I am totally forward about things. I'm not going to take a collar without knowing them and myself better, it would be a dis-service to us both (and I take collars very seriously). When I meet up with someone I will be subservient to thier desires, wishes and choices. I wont know if I honestly can do that until I test myself with it.

So yes, I am jumping into this lifestyle... but is that so wrong?

ever kneeling,
cheryl-ann

You have a good head on your shoulders. You seem tohave a better grasp as a person and as someone who identifies with possibly being a submissive, than some of the people in the group that I refer to. There's a line between going about it smartly and being honest about it and jumping into it without presenting any kind of mental/emotional safety net for yourself. I'm more referring to those that throw themselves at complete strangers' feet with no kind of regard for their own self worth or safety. Putting the responsibility on the other person, rather than on themselves.

And the same thing relatively goes for new Dom/mes. There's something to be said for getting experience. I have nothing wrong with that as long as it's done safely and in a VERY controlled environment. I'm talking about those manic, over-the-top, child-like people who think they know everything and they don't need to do things a certain way (and I say certain as in the broad, general shit that I think most everyone can agree on that someone needs to know to deal with people on ANY kind of level). Those people are a complete menace to those unwitting other newbies who don't know any better.

I know this probably sounds like just another rant and bash session, but for me this is really a sore point. I've tried talking to many newbies and offer my take on things when I'm asked and helping people(or at least trying to) get a better grasp of how things are and should be. I try to go from as a subjective point as I can, gleaning what I can from thier ideas and wants to help them work out things for themselves when they are unsure. Telling them that it's imortant to learn constantly from others, that the journey is never ending, that there is no end in sight when it comes to learning all there is to know. Much as it is in life in general. I try to help them see things that will help them as a person FIRST before they apply it to themselves as a Dom/me or a sub.

But then pretty much every single time, they throw my hospitality and kindness and the -asked for- help right back into my face and go back to being the dickwad they were in the first place.

_____________________________

Honey, you obviously missed the "want to be used as a toilet fetish" thread or "where do I get instructions on setting my sub on fire" thread. LOL

Thank you, DelRay for that one.

(in reply to cherylann)

Post #: 19

RE: Jumping the gun/too hesitant - 9/3/2006 11:18:10 AM

Bearlee

Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline

Well, here's where I consider myself lucky. It happens I used to live in Denver where there are several active clubs and more munches. I met my friend Sid in a chatroom, who introduced me to his slave. Through them, I met several other very experienced 'lifestylers'; mostly D/s or M/s couples.

As it turns out, they all sorta took me under their wings and 'mentor me' ...if you will. The first couple times to a club I kept my cloths on and wouldn't do a thing but watch. Finally I got curious and did a 'show & tell' with Sid..where he went through one of his toy bags with me and let me pick things to try. I actually took my shirt off! LMAO...kept my bra on, though!!! <rolls eyes>

Anyway, I got flogged a bit, got a feeling for paddles and canes and that wartinburg wheel. I'd say we did this probably 3-4 times before I was ever brave enough to let him single-tail me a bit...or try electrical stuff on me; or...OMG...put a hood on me! <cracks up> I took to it all like a duck to water though. Good friends and safe places are a good send...I'm not lookin' back!

beverly

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 20

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