RE: what every newbie should know about trainers

RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (Full Version)

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nefertari -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 12:48:10 AM)
snort LOL You're bad.

bignipples2share -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 1:09:46 AM)
Okay, that did it. I spit water on my keyboard LMAO ~Big

Samwhiplash -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 1:38:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CrappyDom What a load of hogwash. If you are supposedly experienced enough to "train" someone (which is bullshit in and of itself) then you should be able to spot someone who is emotionally needy or vulnerable and then politely tell them they aren't ready for your amazingly wonderful services. Most who offer to "train", "mentor" and anything else other than simply saying "I want to fuck/play/use you once in a while are full of shit unless they are doing this in the same room as you. Of course there are exceptions, but there are also born again Christians who aren't assholes and I am sure there is a white supremacist somewhere who is a kind caring sort of fellow too. Since by definition, these sorts of predators seek out inexperienced people (I mean who else would fall for this shit) they if they are "good" then should expect the sort of problems inexperienced people tend to have and keep things at a level where these sort of bonds don't form. Cldnt agree more! People on this board IMHO tend to be very hard on newbies, show some empathy when someone has been hurt.

defiantbadgirl -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 1:39:52 AM)
You're right. There is no way to make someone care. The problem is, he keeps confusing me. We have been split up for over a month now. I told him I loved him, which should have scared him off but it hasn't. Just last week he told me he wanted to start seeing me again.......more often this time, take me out on dates, and treat me right. The next day, he said he wasn't ready for that yet. He told me to disregard everything because he was drunk from 5-6 beers over a 5 hour period (that's only 1 beer an hour). Last night, he told me when he wasn't "drunk" that he was considering dating both me and the other woman, plus the bondage with me of course. Then, there's the whole cam thing. I have repeatedly refused to do cam bondage without any live sessions. Two weeks ago, he saw the view my webcam status on yahoo messenger and was jealous and enraged when I wouldn't let him view. This isn't a case of him telling me no more, never again and me being unable to let go. Knowing my luck, the moment I commit to someone else, he will decide he's "ready" to come back to me. I don't want to end up hurting anyone the way he's hurt me. This is a zoo........and the reason why newbies should stay away from trainers.

nefertari -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 1:58:08 AM)
This doesn't sound like this has anything to do with whether a Dom calls himself trainer or not. This guy just has issues and he's stringing you along because you let him. Stop.

wonderland -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 1:58:21 AM)
The guy is an asshole. He is jerking your chain just because he can. You told him how you feel about him and he knows you want him. He enjoyed using you and it sounds like he wants to continue to do so. I have talked to many men who want to keep a vanilla GF while having a sub/slave on the side. I have no idea why that is. I'm sure there are women who do the same thing to men. Bottom line if he was interested in you he would not have dumped you and gotten a GF. It was a harsh lesson to learn. But there are a lot of users out there.

ChainedExistence -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 2:12:07 AM)
You'll rarely see me jump into a contentious thread, as I tend to not be the confrontational type, but I feel quite strongly about the things that have been said here. Obviously, this is my opinion......... No matter how you slice it, a "trainer" is a user- what is he training someone FOR? There are no universal BDSM activities or ways of doing things, so the very notion of anyone needing training to start is nuts. Another Dom is simply going to have to spend time UNDOING most of the "training" anyway, as there are rarely any two people who see D/s in the same way. There are a handful of specialized services, like a Japanese tea service,that would require some training, but I dont think there's a huge demand out there for that. Can a person attend a demo, or go to an event to learn more about how to do something? Sure, but that's not what is being discussed here. This was a one-on-one "relationship" established for the sole purpose of getting some kink without having to make ANY kind of committment. Even those who don't seek out "love" relationships in BDSM can be committed to a partner. I have to agree with Crappy that any Dom who's been around a while should know that a newbie all frenzied up in the excitement over a first foray into D/s WILL get attached whether they are 18, or 38. It's just the way things are. The very nature of the back and forth between ongoing "training" and pulling away creates a desire in the sub to work harder to please the Dom. Besides, why do trainers always seek out those with no experience in the first place...the goodness of their heart? I think not! It's because they know that no one who's been around any length of time will take them seriously. There are opportunities for people to play more casually if that's what they want, but using a newbie for that is risking what happened here- she got attached because she had no idea how deeply emotional this was going to get for her. If a Dom wants a guaranteed emotion-free sub, then he should quit seeking out the newbies who don't yet know how they are going to see this. Anything different is irresponsible at best, and dishonest at worst. To the OP...I'm sorry this happened, even though it was pretty much inevitable. You cannot make him love or care for you, as that was never his intent in the first place. It's a hard lesson to be learned, but a lesson nevertheless. You will get over it in time, and be wiser for it. Obviously you prefer a Dom you can love, and those ARE out there! Take your time, and don't settle for anything less.

SusanofO -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 2:20:58 AM)
Chained Existence: Excellent advice to the OP, I think. And terrific, thoughtful, observations. [:)] - Susan

eyesopened -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 2:31:53 AM)
When Shakespear said "all the world's a stage" he was not far off the mark. Imagine yourself the director of a play with all the actors on stage and all the stage props available. But only you have the script. How well do you think the play would go? It would be a disaster any way you look at it. You could argue that the stage was set, the props obvious so the actors should have known what the play was supposed to be about. Sometimes we keep a life's script in our mind of how we want things (life) to go but we forget that it's own own script and no one else has read it. So instead of trying to script your life and your interactions with people, try improvosation. And if some aspect of your "life script" is important, then communicate that to others. All of life's disappointments are the result of other people not behaving the way we wanted or expected them to. The key to having few disappointments is to have fewer expectations of others.

gillybean -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 2:46:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl Trainers and those who are "married, but looking" have something in common. Both are emotionally unavailable and both search for partners to use on a short term basis. I used to think a trainer was someone who preferred an inexperiencd partner because they could train without having to untrain. I'm going to tell my own experience to better explain. I joined this sight as a newby. When the guy I became involved with told me he was a trainer, I thought I had found the perfect situation. I didn't know what the title "trainer " in the bdsm world meant. I really cared for this man and was very good to him. In return, he ignored me on Valentine's Day, stood me up on my birthday, refused to ever take me on a date, and constantly cancelled planned sessions because something suddenly came up. As a newby, I thought I was doing something wrong or not learning fast enough and doubled my efforts. In the end, he dumped me when I did nothing whatsoever to deserve it. Trainers only want short term and no amount of effort on the trainees part will convince them otherwise. If I had known what a trainer was to begin with, it would have saved me a lot of heartache. There are plenty of doms and switches out there not seeking a short term fling who are willing to train someone with little or no experience. I hope this warning will prevent someone else from being hurt. Thanks for taking the time to post on a subject that has obviously left you deeply hurt. I have not read all the replies to your post, i got rather sick of seeing people tell you that basically you should of known better. To me your post appeared to be more of a 'don't jump in head first but take your time or you will get hurt' warning kind of message based on your experience rather than a moan or a winge as some have suggested. Newbies get warned all the time to take care and i personally see your post as being another warnings for newbies on something to watch out for and be aware of. i agree with you that often newbies don't have any kind of clue what they're letting themselves in for and (as we all find out eventually) there are many who are prepared to take advantage of this. By and large newbies haven't read widely on the subject before they jump on in. We all have things we can learn still, so newbies doubtlessly have much more to learn. It's always good to hear when i've not been alone in my boat, and i'm sure it is useful for others to see your post too and to use it to possibly rethink their situation, read up a lot more, and learn to accept and move on when the reality of such a situation as you found yourself in comes to light. I am sorry that so many people have decided to respond to you in the manner they have. I have read your post in a completely different way to how some others seem to have. I wish you luck in the future and hope you find what you are looking for now you have a better understanding of what you do and don't want.

Mavis -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 3:43:18 AM)
i don't think the problem here is that the guy is a trainer... it's that He's already stated He's "emotionally unavailable" being married.. and you have left open the door for him to keep coming back? Can't swear to it, but possibly the wife will think he's a jerk too. Especially if she were to think you planned for him to spend valentines with you, not her. Although it's possible she has given her blessing on his training activites.. do you know that for sure? and does it change the fact that now you LOVE him and that being the case, you should back off so as not to eff up his marriage? that would be the loving thing to do, yes? Well, carry on though.. it could be worse. i mean, just think, you could have been his wife.

DivaDuchess -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 4:35:24 AM)
What you might consider is a 24/7 situation if you are bisexual (have not read your profile, sorry). For instance, I have trained and am up front from the get go. I am married, We have children. I am Bisexual, He is not. I have any slave I train sign a contract for a limited time. I make SURE they understand this is not a 24/7 position, I am simply 'informing' them. Period, full stop. At this time, We are looking for a slave for Our own home. That would be a different situation as affection, feelings even love would enter into that equation. Of course, it helps when the couple you have met are also of a Polyamory nature, as we are. You found yourself in a very difficult situation ... next time, get it in writing and perhaps search for someone without the vanilla baggage to begin with if happily ever after is your dream/desire. It's not his fault ... it's not yours ... it BOTH of you. You gave, he took, then ... he tossed you away. It's not right, but it does happen. Be more careful in the future. Good luck to you.

krys -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 5:31:35 AM)
This isn't a newbie/trainer problem, because this will not happen to all newbies who seek out a trainer. Newbies who know, understand and most importantly accept what it is they are getting into. If you did not understand what a trainer was at the beginning, you certainly should by now. But you are still playing games and grasping at false hope. And you are hurting yourself in the process. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is not try to find the right combo of manipulation and guilt to trap him, but to walk away and let this go. Stop being his free entertainment.

lauren0221 -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 6:12:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl You're right. There is no way to make someone care. The problem is, he keeps confusing me. We have been split up for over a month now. I told him I loved him, which should have scared him off but it hasn't. Just last week he told me he wanted to start seeing me again.......more often this time, take me out on dates, and treat me right. The next day, he said he wasn't ready for that yet. He told me to disregard everything because he was drunk from 5-6 beers over a 5 hour period (that's only 1 beer an hour). Last night, he told me when he wasn't "drunk" that he was considering dating both me and the other woman, plus the bondage with me of course. Then, there's the whole cam thing. I have repeatedly refused to do cam bondage without any live sessions. Two weeks ago, he saw the view my webcam status on yahoo messenger and was jealous and enraged when I wouldn't let him view. This isn't a case of him telling me no more, never again and me being unable to let go. Knowing my luck, the moment I commit to someone else, he will decide he's "ready" to come back to me. I don't want to end up hurting anyone the way he's hurt me. This is a zoo........and the reason why newbies should stay away from trainers. No matter what this guy calls himself, sounds like his title should be jerk. Please, please wait for someone who is right for you, instead of settling because you found a "Christian" who would not pressure you for sex.. And putting 100% of the blame on him, inhibits the learning part of the learning experience. We all make mistakes, the important thing is to learn from them.

sublizzie -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 6:23:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl You're right. There is no way to make someone care. The problem is, he keeps confusing me. We have been split up for over a month now. I told him I loved him, which should have scared him off but it hasn't. Just last week he told me he wanted to start seeing me again.......more often this time, take me out on dates, and treat me right. The next day, he said he wasn't ready for that yet. He told me to disregard everything because he was drunk from 5-6 beers over a 5 hour period (that's only 1 beer an hour). Last night, he told me when he wasn't "drunk" that he was considering dating both me and the other woman, plus the bondage with me of course. Then, there's the whole cam thing. I have repeatedly refused to do cam bondage without any live sessions. Two weeks ago, he saw the view my webcam status on yahoo messenger and was jealous and enraged when I wouldn't let him view. This isn't a case of him telling me no more, never again and me being unable to let go. Knowing my luck, the moment I commit to someone else, he will decide he's "ready" to come back to me. I don't want to end up hurting anyone the way he's hurt me. This is a zoo........and the reason why newbies should stay away from trainers. He's not a trainer and he's certainly not acting in a Christ-like way. There are Christians, on this site and others, as well as many Christian BDSM groups. I know. I'm on a couple and own one, groups that is. It's easy to get caught up in sub-frenzy. It's a pain when someone uses your excitement to bolster his selfish ego. But you learn and grow and move on. In your case, I'd say moving on would probably be the best thing you can do. He's not interested in your well-being, which is kind of important in a D/s relationship. He's not training you; he's using you. If he's not your Dom, then he doesn't have the right to use you. I am learning that it is very important to have a high self-image, high self-esteem, and very good boundaries as a submissive. Once you have those, then the users masquerading as Doms/Masters/"trainers" tend to disappear.

defiantbadgirl -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 6:58:57 AM)
What? He is NOT married. He's never been married. I never said he was married. I would NEVER get involved with a married man. He also did NOT have a gf when I first got involved with him. I have ALWAYS AVOIDED married men because I knew they were emotionally unavailable. What I said was, married men and trainers (2 totally different types of guys) are both users because they have emotional unavailablity in common. The message I was trying to send was that avoiding married men (like I always have) isn't enough, Newbies should avoid trainers as well. It was a comparison. Is this why so many people have jumped down my throat?

deltadawn -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 7:04:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl Trainers and those who are "married, but looking" have something in common. Both are emotionally unavailable and both search for partners to use on a short term basis. I used to think a trainer was someone who preferred an inexperiencd partner because they could train without having to untrain. I'm going to tell my own experience to better explain. I joined this sight as a newby. When the guy I became involved with told me he was a trainer, I thought I had found the perfect situation. I didn't know what the title "trainer " in the bdsm world meant. I really cared for this man and was very good to him. In return, he ignored me on Valentine's Day, stood me up on my birthday, refused to ever take me on a date, and constantly cancelled planned sessions because something suddenly came up. As a newby, I thought I was doing something wrong or not learning fast enough and doubled my efforts. In the end, he dumped me when I did nothing whatsoever to deserve it. Trainers only want short term and no amount of effort on the trainees part will convince them otherwise. If I had known what a trainer was to begin with, it would have saved me a lot of heartache. There are plenty of doms and switches out there not seeking a short term fling who are willing to train someone with little or no experience. I hope this warning will prevent someone else from being hurt. Another "Training" thing. Let's say you are a 'New Cashier' at your local walmart store. They send someone to you to aid in your training. Is that person now considered your boyfriend? Is he someone you are necessarily going to date? Does he have the responsibility to send you cards on your birthday, valentines day? I know that is making this all seem way to simple, but what do people really expect when seeking out a "Trainer".. The title itself tells you what he is, a Trainer. I would not have posted here but the generalization that ANYONE who aids in training is a jerk, moron, and only looking for someone to 'use' is simply WRONG. I have met many people, both Dom and sub who consider themselves mentors or trainers......they are defiantely not people I would consider to be users. Common sense is a good thing to use...how would the OP feel if this "Trainer" came here and posted what a horrible trainee she had been? I am not one who advocates using a Trainer. I find one learns much more about who they are and what their needs are by using their own mind, but to put every Dom who calls himself a Trainer/Mentor/Teacher in a group such as the OP did.....how simple is that? deltadawn

mistoferin -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 7:09:28 AM)
No, I think only one or two people got confused by the married thing. The reason people have been hard on you is because you STILL do not seem to recognize your responsibility for the situation.

sapphirepleasure -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 7:15:45 AM)
Personally, I don't agree with the assumption that 'all trainers are users who will break your heart', and I will explain why in a moment. As far as married men, (or those who have girlfriends) I avoid them unless it is an open relationship or better yet, a healthy poly situation, and those are rare and rather complicated. It seems from the venom in the posts directed towards 'trainers', that the term has been used in less than scrupulous ways. Since I had an excellent experience with a dom who agreed to train me for a specified period of time (3 months, 24/7), I thought it important that I share my perspective. Certainly it was a challenge to not become emotionally involved, but for me it helped knowing that there was a definite end to the training period, and at the end of that time I was moving across the country. So yes, I loved him, and probably always will, but I kept myself from falling 'in love' with him, as he had told me from the beginning to be careful of, as he would be. Now yes, there were times where I wished he would decided to keep me, and even a time where he was considering doing so, but when I really thought about it, I knew that the feelings that I had that he helped open up, were because of discovering who I was, and that he and I were not really what each other was looking for in the long run. We were honest with each other, and remain friends and I value his opinions and advice (though am finding my own way as well). I have absolutely no regrets and enduring gratitude for the time I experienced with him. Maybe part of that is because I owned my own feelings whenever they began to stray across the line and discussed them with him when appropriate, without expecting that just because I had feelings for him he had some responsibility to change his mind and keep me! We were both adults and I knew the limits going in, and respected them. And that's why I think it was a beautiful experience that gave me an amazing start in this lifestyle. sp

defiantbadgirl -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 7:18:14 AM)
Bondage play and cashier work are 2 totally different things. Being trained in cashier work is completely platonic. Bondage involves physical pleasure, kissing, and hugging. Training (in exercise) is his professional job title. Of course I didn't think anything of it. When I asked him in the beginning why he called himself that, he told me what he did for a living.

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